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AOL NEWS YEARBOOK Earthdate December 1996 |
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AOL NEWS YEARBOOK Earthdate December 1996 |
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THE MONTH IN BRIEF Flat-rate AOL meant unlimited time in Fed, and the players rushed in and stayed on. By the end of the month the game was maxing out at just over 400 players almost every night. Unfortunately the enormous usage brought a few technical problems, with crashes and lags common until the TechDroid could sort things out. As part of this sorting-out, changes were made to the way factories run in order to stop them using up too much background processing. The most radical was the removal of Time in Hand, with a consequence that factories now only run when their owners are in the game. See the story below for the full details of all the changes made. A cosmetic change, but a very attractive one, was the new artwork for Fed on the main screen, which you see when you first go to the Fed area. The brighter, more colorful picture also has more buttons letting you access information and features easily. Alan Lenton made a special appearance in Fed giving players the chance to ask him questions about how (why, even!) he designed and programmed Fed. A transcript of this session is in the Official Library. The Christmas festivities got off to a good start with the opening of the Christmas planet. The setting: Christmas Eve... and you realise you've forgotten to send Santa your letter! So it's off on a last-minute dash to the North Pole to deliver your list of wants in time. Federation t-shirts went on sale at the beginning of December, bearing a full color picture of our Fed icon, Selena of the Spaceways. The Fed News appointed a new regular columnist; Kintaro 78 brought his twisted view of the Fed universe to readers. His articles are printed below.
Factories no longer operate unless the owner is in Fed. Time in Hand has gone away completely. If you are asleep in Fed (i.e. you haven't typed anything for over 5 minutes) your factory will not produce anything. A new entry on your company display shows you the profit so far this cycle. This will make it easier for you to keep track of how close you are to getting that promotion. The list of factories on the company display now shows whether the factories are open or closed. (A closed factory is a factory on a closed planet.) You cannot use the SET command on a closed factory. You also cannot set output to warehouse if you don't have a warehouse on the planet. Closed factories will start up immediately when the planet opens - you don't have to log off and on again to kick start them. You cannot sell a closed factory. Instead, you have to use LIQUIDATE FACTORY, which will dispose of the plant in the same way that SELL does, except that you won't get any money for it.
Mobiles move just a tiny bit slower now - instead of increments of 5 seconds, they now move in increments of 7 seconds. The QUICKWHO command can now show you the people in a specific system, or on a specific channel, in the same way that WHO can.
Anti-matter is very dangerous if not handled correctly, because it has a habit of combining with matter and the two things cancel each other out. Scientists working on the early research into anti-matter had to develop special techniques to store and handle anti-matter, to prevent the sudden disappearance of parts of their anatomy that came into contact with the substance! Those who store anti-matter in warehouses have to be equally careful. Simply storing and fetching lumps of anti-matter is safe, because the substance is kept in special magnetic fields to prevent it coming into contact with matter. The problems come when anti-matter and matter get mixed up. If you try to add two bays together where one contains anti-matter and the other does not, the anti-matter and the matter will cancel each other out and both will vanish. For example, if you have one bay with 5 tons of anti-matter and another with 10 tons of furs, attempting to add the two will leave you with just 5 tons of furs and no anti-matter at all. Conversely, 10 tons of anti-matter combined with 5 tons of droids leaves you with 5 tons of anti-matter. And, as you can probably work out for yourself, 5 tons of anti-matter added to 5 tons of anything else simply leaves you with two empty bays. So use caution when dealing with this highly dangerous substance!
When you have played 1000 games, Bella shows up and pins a long-service medal on you. This medal now shows up in your inventory as part of your permanent kit. Bella now only shows up for your 1000th game exactly, not for every 1000th game. However, something nice does happen every 1000th game - a so-far undocumented feature. Your insurance premiums get halved. This has been happening all along, but nobody knew about it.
1. To keep the bars from
filling up
Top Ten things that annoy Merchants 10. Not being a JP
Hi all! You've probably never heard of me, and if you have, then you probably think of me as a psychotic nut. Well, I don't care. Each week you're gonna have to listen to my ranting anyways. I'll be telling you a neato-torpedo story, or I'll be doing some other crazy stuff that wastes your time. Well, this first week, I'm gonna let you off easy. Enjoy the story. So there I was, sitting in Chez Diesel, reading the newspaper, when I heard a knock at the door. "Probably another person looking for the GM," I told myself. But no. Instead, the door exploded, and a half dozen guys wearing Santa outfits jumped inside and pointed guns at everyone. I barely noticed. This sort of think happens all the time in FED. "Ho ho ho!" Exclaimed the first one. "We are the Christmas Jihad! We've come to take over FED! Ho ho ho!" The rest of the Santas ho ho ho'd along with the first one. The holidays sure do wierd things to people. Of course, Diesel wasn't going to stand for this. She smacked the first one with her baseball bat, but then she dropped all of those luncheon vouchers she collects. She fell to the floor and scrambled to pick them all up before they got damaged. Meanwhile, the rest of the Christmas Jihad opened their sacks and planted toys along the floor. Strangly enough, it seemed like it was the perfect thing for them to be doing. Hmmm, maybe I should have my brain examined. I, of course, didn't have time for this sort of thing. So I went over to the waitdroid and told it to bring out ten rounds of tequila. Within two minutes, I was the only one in the room left standing. Stepping over the drunken bodies, I sauntered out the door. I was just entering my ship when I heard a huge explosion from Chez Diesel. Okay, so maybe the toys weren't JUST toys after all...
Holiday Sale at FED Mart! Snert Grenade 500000 ig
each Sober-No-More beer 600 ig
for a six pack "Get off my engine
turbines or I'll fry you" bumper sticker 850 ig Tb Off Switch 5000000 ig The Hand-Held laser 650000
ig "Fedders do it in
cyberspace" T-shirt 350000 ig "FEDman" comic
book subscription 4000000 ig "FEDman"
super-duper action play set 7500000000 ig PRICE FORM: SUBTOTAL:_______________________________________ TOTAL(finally!):____________________________________ All checks made payable to FED Mart. We will accept cash. Big bills are okay. We'll send you the change. We promise. FOR DELIVERY:
Nobody likes Christmas shopping, especially not me. But it IS Christmas shopping, so what can you do? It's an ancient tradition for people with bad migraine headaches to drop everything and run off to Toys 'R' Expensive, FED Mart, and Comp F.E.D. in search of holiday 'sales.' In fact, they aren't even sales. They just up the price of the object and put up a '25% Off!' sign. It's so very depressing. Well, nothing's going to change. So, I'm here to help you with your Christmas shopping. I'll give you a few tips in order to be able to successfully survive this disgusting ritual. Holiday tip #1: Whenever you go shopping, bring an eight man SWAT team. They'll help you beat off other frantic last-minute shoppers. Plus, they never hurt when it comes to getting a FED Mart employee to help you. Just order the team to surround the unlucky employee and fire off tear gas until you get what you want. Holiday tip #2: If someone in your family says, "You don't need to get me anything this year," they're lying. That phrase actually translates into, "I don't care if you've gotta steal your son's lunch money. You'd better bring me something or I'll disembowel you!" Holiday tip #3: If you have absolutely no idea what to get someone, then a stripper never hurts. Make sure that someone is a male, though. Holiday tip #4: Sometimes you just can't think of anything to get someone. It's happened to me before. So, in an emergency, put a few million groats in a box, wrap it, and give it to that someone. Remember to use this ONLY as a last resort, however. Well, I hope this will help you in your quest for presents. As a final tip, remember: buying all the presents you need is your ONLY goal. Nothing else matters. Lying, cheating, stealing, whatever it takes to get that potential gift. Use every ounce of psychotic strength you have to complete your shopping list before anyone else. On a lighter note: Merry Christmas, everyone!
Are you addicted to FED? Probably. Are you able to tell the differance between FED and reality? Hey, don't start defending yourself. A lot of people are seen knocking on the front door of the white house, trying to ask the president if he's seen the GM. The biggest problem, however, is that usually people can't tell if they don't know about reality. So, take this test and find out if you need psychiatric help on the subject. Remember, ALL referances take place in reality unless otherwise noted. 1. You have been invited
to a party. At this party, you spot an attractive person
of the opposite sex. What do you say to break the ice? 2. As you enter the local
Safeway, Giant, or whatever, you spot your best friend,
Bob. You... 3. Your car has run out of
gas. There are no gas stations within miles. Your only
hope is to... 4. You have no money. This
month's rent is already three days late, and your cereal
supply is running out. What do you do to make money?
(Sorry, you can't answer, "Hit your parents up for
cash") Now give yourself one poin for each 'C' answer. SCORING:
Setting: Q234rt55Hm's Office, Q234rt55Hm is taking forty winks here. Enter stage right: You and Boboli44. Boboli44 loves whenever there's a sleeping rip van winkle. Boboli44 he takes out his rip van winkle set from underneath his new armani and sets out his equipment. "Let's start with the drill, shall we?" you ask. Boboli44 starts to turn on a power drill and makes two precision holes in Q234rt55Hm's feet and one right through his helmet. "Now for the cinder blocks." you say. Boboli44 strains to lift the first block and plops it out on Q234rt55Hm's left foot, then does the same to his right. "How about some glue?" you ask. Boboli44 takes the crazy glue and spreads a liberal amount across Q234rt55Hm's eyes and into his hands, then places Q234's hands over his eyes. "Next on the list is the hair cut," you say. Boboli44 takes out his razor and shaves off all Q234's hair. "Lesse, now for a change in outfit," you say. Boboli44 takes out his Tibetan vestment, and drapes it over Q234's suit of armor. "Very nice. now for some makeup," you say. Boboli44 takes out his makeup bag and gives Q234 some blush, toner, concealer for that zit, and some bright red lipstick. "I guess that just about sums it up, yes, it does," you say. Q234rt55Hm slices you both in half with his broadsword. Boboli44 falls in two halves over the remains at Q's feet. "Ouch", you say. Q234rt55Hm feeds Boboli's remains to his dogs. Boboli44 thinks to himself, "How's Q managing all this without smudging his makeup?" Q234rt55Hm pokes Boboli in the ribs. "Ack!" you exclaim. Boboli44 's two remaining halves of his body begin to fuse back together. Q234rt55Hm hacks whatever is left into a fine paste. "Then again, maybe not", you say. Q234rt55Hm pours his bottle of wine on Boboli. Boboli44 grins maniacally. Q234rt55Hm lights a match. "Uh oh...", you say. Q234rt55Hm drops the match. Boboli44 disappears in a puff of smoke. Q234rt55Hm watches in satisfaction as Boboli goes up in a cloud of black smoke. Q234rt55Hm waves. Boboli44 's spirit tells you informatively, "I've been waiting for 15 minutes to get a job you know..." "Yikes!", exclaims Q234rt55Hm. "Yikes indeed", you say.
Act (manly) hug: stiff clap on the back of the subject after reaching arms around. Males must NOT reach around more than 180 degrees from the front of the subject! Warm hug: this hug is done while in close contact with subject in order to pass as much body heat as possible. However no extra little squeezes allowed! Nice hug: quick hug. Arms stay above the waist and touch only the lower shoulders and upper back of subject. 250 degrees is the limit of arm extension. Sloppy hug: subjects each try to put arms above or below the arms of the other. An entanglement is the result. Eventually they are able to get arms around the other but the time of hug has almost passed so only a slight touch occurs. Subjects disengage. Hot hug: Subjects hold each other tight. Extra little squeezes are allowed and encouraged! Arm extension reaches 270 degrees. Tender hug: Subjects hold each other firm but gently. Bodies are pressed close and the outline of the other is easily felt through the close contact of this hug. Arms curl around to comfortable extension. Hug is very comfortable and it is very hard to disengage. Friendly hug: The two subjects know each other well so no extraneous squeezes, tickles and touches occur. Arm extension is allowed to go beyond 270 degrees because they aren't under sexual tension. Passionate hug: Subjects hold each other securely but leave enough room for movement. Arm extension passes beyond 270 degrees so that more flesh is brought into contact with the other person. Hands move against the other person and seek to squeeze forbidden flesh.
In a surprise move, Wavenrg, Duke of Mirror, visited the Clinic on Buffet and emerged Wavenrg, Duchesse of Mirror. Evidently the hardest adjustment for him, er, her, to make was typing styles, as shown with the comment "Wavenrg says, "god I hate this new keybiard :/" " Wavenrg's fellow Mirrorians offered much-needed advice, such as reminding her that ladies don't scratch certain parts of their anatomy in public, and never to order the most expensive item on the menu on the first date. Wavenrg declared that she'll continue using the Ladies' Room for an entire week, and plans on applying for a position at Chez Diesel's. Wave was last seen asking for makeup tips from Pockets55, and searching Fed for the lows on Nair.
It was a time of revolution, protest of ongoing war in where else, Warzone, led to new and expressive ways for protesters to gather. Students from Earth to Gigenheim started a craze which swept the Empire: streaking. All through the galaxy, streakers ran down the main thoroughfares of planets, wreaking havoc in exchanges and running through the streets in their birthday suits. Such was their fervor that the entire face of the planetoid Castillo was destroyed above ground level. Several unsubstantiated reports even claim that the Emperor himself participated in a streak. Well, now it's the 90's, and guess what...it's baaaaack. Yes, streaking has returned to Federation. Now a bonafide sport, streakers may happily plod down the main thoroughfare of Mars stripped past their tighty-whiteys. The flame of streaking is said to have been rekindled when the Duchesse Wpoco found herself drinking heavily in Fedruckers one evening. She is said to have shouted "Froontlevaarden!", stripped off her clothes, and was seen teleporting to Mars to prance about in a frenzied state. In an effort to control such erratic behavior, the Imperial Bureaucracy in its infinite wisdom organized a formal streaking event this past Monday evening on Mars to celebrate the new pastime. The first Fed Streakers who joined in the festivities were: PufsofKoKo, UTGuy, Dhyslop, ChasRoll, Semper14, Coffeeee, and Gigfog. After shedding their clothes and inhibitions in Tux Deluxe, the streakers strutted their stuff' right down the main thoroughfare of Mars into the Spaceport. Onlookers and gawkers ogled and appraised and cheered for their favorite streaker as they paraded down the boulevard. Upon reaching the end of our tour, the handing down of the Prestigious Wet Towel Award and four megagroats to the best undressed streaker commenced. It was decided that UTGuy, with the appropriate description of, "Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes!" was the most qualified recipient for the Wet Towel Award and the prize. (Actually it was a camel-hair towel which resides in a bucket of Clorox.) After the serenading of the winner with chants of "Huzzah! Huzzah! Three cheers for the Great White Whale," the streaking came to a happy end. Watch for this event, coming soon to a planet near you!
Thanks to some fancy finagling by a mysterious tipster who identified itself as 'Deep Grope', we have the low-down on one of the steamiest (and scariest!) affairs of the year. Deep Grope delivered to the Spynet Report live video footage of a liaison between Wpoco and DarkValor! Our informant describes how life and limb were risked to obtain the video disk, apparently stolen directly from the private archives of the Duchess of Weasel. Undoubtedly a harrowing experience! The video shows Wpoco and DarkValor at some undisclosed location, engaging in carnal relations. DarkValor was tied up and seemed to be struggling, but that was undoubtedly just part of their 'game'. Wpoco stimulated him with various disgusting implements and then threw herself upon him. It all culminated in a series of whumps, farrumps and squirrelamarrumps. After this disgusting display, Wpoco quickly departed, but not before she told DarkValor to expect a visit from his new son in about two weeks. (Apparently the gestation period for weasels is considerably shorter than for humans.) Copies of the video will be available from the Spynet Report offices. To secure a viewing of this seamy affair, leave a large deposit of groats in an unmarked brown envelope.
It recently came to the attention of FilmNoir's overlord NickDan141 that Icedrake had set his eyes on the planet of FilmNoir. "Mmmmm," Icedrake had said, "Looksss very tasty." Terrified at the thought of his beloved planet being destroyed by Icedrake's ravenous hunger, he and his fellow conspirator Deor decided that the only way to save FilmNoir was to try and convince Icedrake to eat something else. So, Deor took Icedrake on a journey to pick up Nick at space station Union. (They figured that bringing him to FilmNoir might be too much!) The only problem was, Deor and Icedrake weren't entirely sure WHERE to find Union. And so they jumped through link after link, staring at a set of incomprehensible directions. "We fly straight forward for a while," Deor read, "and then turn left and right somewhere." Two days later, Union was finally in sight, and the two parked themselves in orbit. It was then that they suddenly discovered that Nick had no spaceship and would need to be picked up somewhere on the Station itself. Fortunately, Nick had drunk three Diet Cokes while waiting, so he was QUITE ready for their arrival when it finally came. With Icedrake being somewhat ravenous (and the stomachs of Deor and Nick were starting to rumble too, for that matter), they headed off to their eating establishment of choice. (Icedrake almost wrecked his spaceship at the sight of the planet McDonalds, though. Yes, he must've been REALLY hungry by this point!) But finally, their goal was in sight. And after zooming around for several hours trying to find a landing pad, the trio descended on the unwitting eatery. The next two hours cannot be related due to the sheer number of sentients who would be mortally offended, but we understand that the topic of creamy cheese was discharged several times. Other topics included crusts, queen cuts, being groped by the waitress, wanting to grope the waiter from the next table, and groping up the dinner instead. And when it was over, Icedrake picked his teeth and smiled. "Ssso..." he said. "That was a nice appetizer. Let'sss go to FilmNoir for the main course!" Nick and Deor were unavailable for comment, but the asylum assures that they'll be just fine in a couple months.
Your comm unit relays a message from AABOUND, "You haulers have it easy these days..........I didn't even get my first ship till I was merchant....I had to hitchhike - and I liked it that way!". Your comm unit relays a message from MONEY12, "what rank do you have to be in order to be a captain". Your comm unit relays a
message from Gergall, Hazed, if you go the hospital and
type change, will you become Demi-God Hazed?' Your comm unit relays a message from LucasW123, "I just got a TB from ImAtNasa saying there will be men on the moon someday. What horrible lag!". FedSys: ::scowl:: Will you people stop breaking my game?
Your comm unit relays a message from THUMB1214, "I have an Imperial Class whip with 312 ton cargo capacity; anony need a hauler? I need Tcs...". Your comm unit relays a message from FrogMans1, "I once had many goats, but I lost them all when someone shot me for no reason".
Troop65 tries to find another way to entertain himself.
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