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AOL NEWS YEARBOOK Earthdate August 1997 |
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AOL NEWS YEARBOOK Earthdate August 1997 |
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THE MONTH IN BRIEF August 1997 was the last month for Fed on AOL, and the last AOL Fed news bulletins. So this is the last of the AOL Fed Yearbooks. Icedrake awarded another of the very rare, and very coveted, Walrus of Merit awards to Detros for his excellent planet, Sin. Another quiet month for the players; but behind the scenes much frantic activity to get things set up for the move to the web. Originally scheduled for early to mid August, the date got pushed back... and back... until it actually all happened at the beginning of September. The rest, as they say, is history. Or it will be once it's been properly reported in the news. There was an air of finality all month, as some people who had decided not to move with us to the web suicided dead-dead and flounced off in a huff... only to slink back a few days later as GroundHogs when they realized they couldn't live without Fed. At the end, there were a few days after the backups files of all the Fed data had been taken to transfer over to the new Fed, when nothing that anyone did in Fed counted; so an "end of the Universe as we know it" party was held. A great time was had by all. Bye-bye AOL!
There seems to be general confusion about the use of the comms in Sol, so here's a detailed explanation of the what, where, when and why of it all. The intention of having restrictions of use of certain types of communication is to protect new players from screen scroll. When you are experienced in Fed, you get used to scanning messages as they roll onto the screen and discarding those that aren't relevant to what you are doing, only paying attention to those that you think are important. But new players can't do that. They are in a new environment, they don't know what to do, it's all bewildering. They don't know how to tell which of the messages on their screen are important and which aren't; they have to read each message carefully to see what it says. If messages come too fast, they miss seeing things that are important to them, such as location descriptions, help from Navigators and so on. This is why we don't allow chatter and general conversation on Channel 1 - we want it kept clear of extraneous messages so new players only see important information. There is an anomaly with the COM command, because although it can't be used in the Solar System, COM messages can be received in Sol when they are sent from other planets in the Sol duchy. This will be cleared up after we have completed the move to the web; we are going to stop COM messages appearing in the Solar System, not to mention bringing back the Duke puzzle which will make far more duchy spaces available anyway. But until that happens, we are not allowing COM messages to be sent from within the Sol duchy, and although when the game is not busy we will be lenient (particularly if the messages are entertaining or funny), when the game is busy we'll be strict in enforcing this rule.
After our explanation in last week's news of how much money the Emperor Ming has, a Fedder who thinks he knows better writes, "Are these people stupid? Don't they know that Galactic law permits any single person from having more than 2,147,483,647 IG? That answers the question: Ming has 2,147,483,647 IG." Well, of course that rule exists and everybody has to abide by it. Except... the Emperor makes the rules, and as the ultimate authority, do you really think he can't break them if he chooses? Of course he can! He just gets bigger moneybags to stash the coins in.
Someone who is concerned about space safety writes, "This being a British game, I was wondering if the steering wheels on your spaceships are on the left or right?" Oh, we did laugh when we received this letter. Steering wheels! What kind of antiquated ship is this person flying anyway? Obviously one with outdated technology, since modern models are no longer controlled with such crude, primitive devices as steering wheels, or helms, or anything else mechanical. These days, as anyone who reads What Spaceship magazine regularly will know, most ships have palm contacts that detect the slightest twitch giving precision finger-tip control. Of course, this can be a problem if you've had a hard night's drinking and develop a touch of the shakes; before you can say Mind That Bollard you've flown into a black hole! But that's the danger of being at the cutting edge of spaceship technology.
A not-so-intrepid explorer asks, "Why are the ruins on Mars so dangerous?" Well, once upon a time, the ruins weren't ruined; they were a thriving community inhabited by Martians. The Martians were an advanced civilization with technology that even now we haven't come close to understanding. When the Martians packed up and left (and no-one knows why they did, or why they keep trying to come back and have to be thwarted by wannabe-Dukes) they turned off all dangerous machinery and left the ruins in a clean, tidy and orderly state. Over time... many, many centuries... the nice neat buildings and installations became - well, ruined - until their city became simply a set of tumbled down, abandoned buildings. Then came humanity. When humans first colonized Mars they discovered these ruins, and overly-inquisitive scientists started to examine the technology left by the departed Martians. They fiddled and poked and prodded it, and managed to get some of it semi-functional. For instance, something that someone did turned on a great nuclear reactor housed in a deep pit; someone else got a teleporting-device of sorts working again. But mankind moved on and spread out to the stars, and scientists found more important projects in other star systems, so the ruins were abandoned again. But this time they were left with certain areas half working, which makes it very dangerous for those who wander in unawares. You have been warned!
A concerned PO asks, "What happens to workthings when you offline your planet?" As you may be aware, workthings are considered expendable in today's society. There are no health and safety regulations governing their treatment; if they fall into the machinery in their factories and get horribly mangled then nobody cares. However, in the case of planets closing for business, there is quite a bit of effort expended to ensure their safety and well-being. This is because the Galactic Administration has decreed that it is the sole right of the planet's owner to flog, beat unmercifully, kill, maim, mistreat and otherwise harm his, her or its workthings. So when a planet is offlined, the workthings are all transported along with the planet itself to Slarti's workshop. While the PO is in the workbench modifying the planet, the workthings go to Slarti's Workthing Lounge to socialize, drink, swap flogging stories, show each other their scars and whatever else workthings might do to entertain themselves (breed more workthings, perhaps?). After the planetary work is finished, they return to their planet and get teleported back to Fed DataSpace with it when the planet is brought back online; back to their miserable existences as slaves subject to the every whim of their POs. Consider it a kind of holiday for them.
A little bit ago I received an intriguing little piece of philosophy through the grape vine. The fact of Doctors agreeing if a person is to exist or not in the Federation Space. For example, 9 out of 10 Doctors agree that Jeremy817 has arrived. Ok, that may be proof of ones existence, but what if the contrary was to happen. 9 out of 10 doctors do NOT agree that Alexy22054 has arrived. Does that mean that she hasn't arrived, or left, and if so, doesn't that contradict the laws of Physics? Well, of course not, Fed is a contradiction in itself in many ways. Now I could go on about all of the contradictions, but that would be dull, so let me continue. Doctors have no real bearing on lives except to prescribe medicine and write in their own secret little pen language that no one can read. They don't decide what we see. It reminds me once of all those moods pertaining to "You do not notice that Pugmarley has arrived." Well, of course we do, but at least play along with the silly little buggers. So getting back to the question at hand, an individual once said, "Who is to believe what is real anyway?" I've spoken my piece, and anything YOU would like to add, please throw it in my general direction.
Well, now I'm a GM (and no I will not promote you to trader so you little adventurers, stop asking me!!!) and that brings another article, coming over the topic of the confusion with GMs. There are three types of GMs: GM as in Grand Master, GM as in Guild Master, and GM as in Galactic Midnight. The first GM (Grand Master) will most commonly be talked about on channel 3 where all the adventurers hang out. They are talking about finding the Grand Master, the elusive fellow hiding somewhere in SOL. And I know where he is! ::taunts the Adventurers:: Syke! But anyway...many adventurers get Grand Masters confused with Guild Masters. Guild Master is a rank. And a Guild Master has no power in getting you promoted! A Guild Master is commonly mentioned on 6 and 7. On channel 6, JPs comment they are soon becoming Guild Masters, and on 7, we own the channel! Muahahahaha! And the last GM, is Galactic Midnight also called Midnight GMT. You hear about Galactic Midnight on channel 5, 6, and 9 mostly. With merchants, JPs, and POs talking about promotions. Galactic Midnight and lag also belong in the same sentence. At Galactic Midnight, a huge 40 second lag comes along and if you aren't in your lag restraint, you know how bad it hurts... So for all of you, heed my words and never, ever, EVER get GMs confused again! (Disclaimer - Since writing this article Gavin had the unfortunate accident of DDing. We, at the News, felt it was still a good article and felt it should be published.)
In an attempt to claim some kind of bragging rights in FedSpace, CpnHarlock (author of the Ship Building Guide) hopes to have claimed the Purple Procrastinator's Award for longest time spent as an Explorer. Having spent over a year as a JP and thirty seconds as a GM, he has now logged more than half a year as an Explorer. He vowed that he would stick it out as an Explorer until the end of the universe. Unfortunately, due to various political issues, the end of the universe as we know it was scheduled for early August. So - much to the relief of the planet-owners who have hosted his factories for the duration - CpnHarlock has finally opened the link to Kambria and settled in as Squire. Was it worth the wait? Come spend some tourist time on Kambria and find out!
In TN3's search to locate missing planets, he sent mail to the MailDroids asking about Uranus. After searching through their information and not being able to locate any records of such a planet, they sent him to the one who is known as the planet expert. Icedrake. TN3 promptly received his reply from Icedrake... *burp* It was delicious. Icedrake Devourer of Worlds
Here's an interesting prospect. Did you ever think that snerts had rights? I never thought about it much until I heard about this mood: Wearing a coat made of REAL SNERTS, ------- has entered the room. Now, snerts had usually kept quiet about their bill of rights, but when they heard of the desecration of their brethren (sistren?) on this man's coat, they took immediate action. I interviewed a highly recognized snert, whose name, by choice, was kept anonymous. Here is what he had to say: "We snerts don't ask for much, a few megs for weapons for our harrier ships, money for puzzle pieces, and some respect! So when we heard of this man, and what he did, we took immediate action." So they went to the Courts on Earth to present their case. It was heard, but as of yet, a decision has not been made. I never really did care for most snerts, a few of them are friends of mine. Actually, I had a summer home on MogglyBoggly. It was a quaint little place, and there was always peace and quiet. I also interviewed KIPanther, Pirate Prince and Rogue Editor, about his views of this. Here was his first reaction (edited for content): "Well, sometimes I just like to douse them in mustard and eat them for a between meal snack." I then asked him what he thought about the Snert Abolishment act, stated in the TykoCelchu Treaty article 4536354625.643. "I think that the first rule of survival applies to everyone, even snerts. Snerts add an edge to the universe, but it is those irresponsible snerts who take it one step beyond, to the point of harassment. And they should be kicked in their big snert booties into the nearest air lock" It is true, where would we be without snerts, even the ones that we wear on our clothing. They add an aspect to the solar system that nice people cannot provide. Like you would ever see me slapping someone just to see if the command works, or "It wasn't me that DDed your wife, it was the one armed Man!". Take it as a gesture of gratitude to the snerts, you know you love them.
While quaffing (isn't that a lovely word?) a few ales in the Cantina this reporter heard a few ads over the com's: Your comm unit relays a message from SecondFuzz, "PARTY IN THE GENTS LOO, EVERYONE WELCOME!!!!" This was soon followed by another Ad: Your comm unit relays a message from SecondFuzz, "PARTY IN THE LADIES LOO, EVERYONE WELCOME". Sucking down the last of my mug I set out to trek over to the loo, braving the hordes of groundhogs. Realizing I really needed to get there for other reasons I hurried, making only 2 missteps, one into the cafe, where I said hello to Godot and told him once again he needed to go take a walk (he never listens to me though), and the other into the University. Reaching the loo, I did the "I gotta go real bad" dance while trying to remember which one was for us guys. Taking a chance I went west and startled some tourist from Missouri. She took it pretty well, only screaming once before shrugging and deciding "When in FED...". I finished and looked around for a party. Not seeing anyone, the tourist must've lost her curiosity and left, I exited and entered the Gent's loo. I could hear some strange voice singing as I opened the door, and upon entering I was greeted by a strange fellow dancing with a pizza in his hand. He was singing and jumping around the place, once or twice stopping to stuff his mouth with the pizza (which, by the way, had some sort of strange brown and green toppings I'd never seen.) I asked the fellow what he was doing, the conversation going like this: SecondFuzz starts to sing. I realized he wasn't going to respond to my inquiries, so I called the hospital which dispatched two nice young men in clean white coats. They coaxed this Fuzz fellow into a long-sleeved white coat and snugly secured him. Finally recognizing that someone was in the room with him, he screamed at the young men. "Don't forget my Yak pizza!! Bring my pizza with you!" He winked at me and whispered "It's made from Yak by-products, I'm gonna be a megagroataire!" As he was lead out of the loo I grabbed a slice of the pizza and tried it. It was delicious! After a couple of bites I felt like jumping and singing..
Recently very bored POs have turned to rather strange ways of keeping each other entertained. Many have started DDing people who they believe to be snerts. Others will fight mobiles. But perhaps the strangest ways of entertainment are the planet owners who feel like changing their sex. You heard me right, a few POs have started using the change command for enjoyment. Though the purpose of this command was otherwise I admit is a rather illustrious idea. When a well known PO changes his/her sex it stirs up quite a laugh on channel 9 such as TazDudeToo's simple change did a few days ago. Who knows what the POs will try next, perhaps changing the sex of snerts?
Our Lenton, who art in
Britain, hallowed be thy Fed, (Side note from the author - I only aim to amuse the readers and do not wish to make any political or religious statements or cause a controversy.)
Oh Fedders, the one thing
you dread By: Astro87, the spirit of the DDed Natasha9f. If you see me tell if you liked this poem!
10. It beats being a Commander 9. Thanks to the generalized rank of "PO" you're on the same level as people four ranks above you 8. You can end any argument with "Oh yeah? Well, I just bought my own PLANET!" 7. You can finally pay back the person who paid off your loan 6. When you meet an executive with his or her own company in RL, you can say, "Been there, done that." 5. You finally have a use for that 600t hauler who was whining about your 300t bays 4. You'll be individually recognized in the news, right next to the other 600 new POs that week 3. You can write a top ten list about it 2. You have a *really* good comeback when someone brags about being an Explorer 1. You need four gigs to promote, and suddenly it doesn't seem like all that much
10. Form a bay of over 1 million tons in size 9. Sell your planet's warehouse 8. Challenge your Duke to duke it out in the arena, and if you win, rub it in by gloating about it publicly 7. Find out what's under the altar in the Martian Ruins 6. Turn the Martian Ruins into a large, smoking crater 5. Crack the route to Ghostbase 4. Grant 20 arts factories on your planet 3. See how high you can jack up your insurance premium 2. Repeatedly land your ship without enough fuel until you exhaust the hull, and see what happens 1. Give 2 gigs to the first beggar that comes along, then laugh hysterically with the knowledge that he won't have it the next day, and you'll have it back
Most of us in Fed live very isolated lives, only complaining about crashes, lag, punts, and typos. Well, it is the sad truth that you are all walking blind to the problems of Fed. We have much greater things to address then lag. Just to name a few things wrong with Fed... Population Survey for Homes: 57.31% of the DataSpace population is homeless, and sleep in their ships. 2.69% of the DataSpace population live in their work office, without food replication units. 39.9% of the DataSpace population have planets with their own living quarters on them. Only 0.1% of the DataSpace population have homes on a planet. NOTE: We are all homeless people with substandard living conditions, assuming we have living conditions in the first place. Population Survey for Bars: 98% of the DataSpace population spend 2 hours or more in a bar each day. Of that 98%, 92.4% will drink 256 beers, 4 coffees, 7 cappachinos, and 1 kool-aid within those 2 hours. Of that 92.4%, 99% of them drink non-sythahol drinks. NOTE: We are all drunk homeless people with substandard living conditions. Population Survey for Gambling and Lottos: 59.7% of the DataSpace population spend 1 hour of more a day in the Casino, or at Lottos. Of that 59.7%, 90% lose 10megs or more. NOTE: We are all POOR, DRUNK, HOMELESS people with substandard living conditions. Population Survey for Parties 100% of the DataSpace population goes to 1 party every week. Of that 100%, 99% get drunk and wander off into dark rooms with the opposite sex, and come out with money in their pockets. NOTE: We are all POOR, DRUNK, HOMELESS, PERVERTED, people that are degrading ourselves with one night stand, and have substandard living conditions. And YOU want to complain about lag??
Mickeyclown wrote us wondering what a family in FED would be like... Mother: "Davey eat
your cereal! you'll have a long day working on that
puzzle and hauling for your father!"
Your comm unit crackles
with a message from RRenf81650, "any females want to
have some fun???" Your comm unit relays a message from Xfile1965, "< notes that the crazy glue fairy has been visiting many cap lock keys lately>". Your comm unit relays a message from Modom12345, "And as part of our Modom Enterprises Bring Your Kids to Work Day, we have about 90 extra workers... they may be small, but their little hands can do a lot! :)". Your comm unit relays a
message from Gator71519, "Is anyone home??? This
channel is now pronounced DEAD!". CytoPlasma asks, "If a tree talks in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does the random qualifier put its name before or after what it says?" Your comm unit relays a message from MaleyMan, "Definition of a Bio-Chip : Dehydrated Workthing". Your comm unit relays a
message from Friend888, "is going to catch up Aravis
REAL soon ;pPpp". EMANO267 exclaims, "If Duke was easy, how come noones ever promoted past it!!!"
With a shimmer of..damn it broke! Gidget9081 is here. That little voice in your head says Cyclopjj is here. Tryin' to be perky as hell ZoGr82BMe is taking forty winks here. Ouch!! Fed crashed on me!! AnglFire has just disappeared. Wearing a coat made of REAL SNERTS, SuedeHeadJ has entered the room. Made my groats and I promotes!!! AnglFire is here. Lost GM, if found plz return it. Sc0uRgE has just arrived. Wishing that moods were longer t... Skeeteretr has just arrived. For lack of anything better to do Tom6445 has just moved west.
210574:005 - Grendul: The plant of Altavia's Social Security department welcomes its two new workthingies to a long and prosperous life, unless of course they get crushed under one of the upcoming builds. 210587:683 - RetUSAFSP: If you're a loser and can't get your own dates, don't bother paying someone else a meg. Save the meg and buy a life. :P
Coffeeee has bought you a glob of fresh lag! The waitdroids spins it slowly on the table towards you, and you find yourseelf unable to move quickly enough to wolf it down.! Coffeeee has bought you a Screen Freezie! The waitdroid is just about to spin it on your table when time seems to stop on a dime. Now you'll never be able to wolf it down...!
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