**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 91.02.10 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> POOR PIRATE! It seems there are many Rich People who have discovered an easy way to make themselves even richer. They are shooting Monty the Fierce and Terrible Pirate to collect the reward. The poor chap only has to poke his nose back into Fed Data Space when some bounty-hungry maniac appears, scorching him with twin lasers and lobbing missiles up his tail-pipe. He is at a loss as to what to do - he can't make a decent living preying off innocent ships any more, and is thinking of packing it all in and going to work in a factory somewhere. Perhaps we should start a charity - the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Pirates. **>> PARTY ANIMALS PART I Trader Mondo was bored. Very bored. The thought of buying yet another load of pharmaceuticals (and spelling it wrong three times) just made him want to scream. He decided enough was enough. He didn't want to be a Trader any more. Life was simpler when he just chugged around the Interplanetary Wastes delivering other people's cargo. He committed suicide. But before he did, he held a vast party. A sort of premature wake. The Great and the Good of Fed Data Space flocked to see him off, got exceedingly drunk, then cheered as he drew the blade of his Swiss Army Knife across his wrists. As the blood flowed out of his veins onto the floor, they lapped it up. Erm... not the blood... the occasion, the atmosphere... well, you know what we mean. As he sank into oblivion, his final words were... "I'll be back!" And he was right. He did come back. Reincarnation in Fed is just a matter of picking the new body you wish to inhabit - none of that tedious mucking about being an ant or a toad because you were once rude to your grandmother! He reincarnated as Samantha, and made Trader in just 13 hours of play. But how long will it be before Samantha gets bored with Trading? **>> PARTY ANIMALS PART II Kevin is going away for a few months and he will be given a send-off tomorrow night. The "Bye Bye Kev" party will start at 9.00 Eastern time. All welcome, dress for the occasion. **>> PARTY ANIMALS PART III And if that isn't enough partying (naaaah... no such thing as too much partying!) don't forget the Valentine's Day Massacre... erm... we mean Party... on Thursday February 14 in Chez Diesel. At 6.00 Eastern time, Explorer Hazed will be turning the lights down low, putting on some smoochy music, and playing match-maker. As a special service, she will pass on anonymous Valentine messages. Mail your message, including the persona you wish it to go to, to her before Thursday, or whisper it in her ear during the party itself, and she will relay it to the object of your desire. We must point out that there is absolutely no truth in the rumour that Hazed is providing this service as a sneaky way of finding out gossip for the News Bulletins! **>> NEW (FOR VERY RICH PEOPLE) Aeron and Piemur, who are still slaving over a hot editor to design their planets, will be delighted to know that the next part of the Explorer's Workbench will be available soon. The tools that enable them to enter the details of the objects and mobiles they wish to plant on their worlds are being tested at the moment, and provided they are approved by the stringent standards set by the testers, will be available tomorrow. The object writer and lister will be available, but the editor (which enables them to go back and change something later) isn't ready yet. Instructions will be uploaded in the Fed BBS as soon as those jolly nice H-by- A people get off their behinds and write them. **>> PUBLIC ENEMY... OR NOT? Over the last few weeks our news has given the impression that Blackmark is hated by everyone. He was (understably) not too pleased with the bias of our reporting, and complained that we hadn't printed his side of the story. We offered him the chance to redress the balance, but he declined. However, we decided to do a little digging and see if we could find anyone who had anything nice to say about him. Well, we had difficulty. We only found one person who was prepared to defend him - more on that in a moment. But reading between the lines of the nasty things people were saying, we were forced to modify out attitude slightly. One of the things of which people accuse him is going around shooting everyone. A quote from someone we spoke to: "He shoots indiscriminately which is why he has such a reward on his head". However, further questioning showed that it's possible he hadn't been deliberately killing people, but had been going after Monty and a few innocent bystanders had been caught by a stray missile. Yes, well, that's an excuse we have used ourselves on many occasions - along with "I'm sorry, I was just testing my lasers" and "My finger slipped and hit the wrong f-key". But it could be true. The story we printed in last week's news, in which he fooled a new player into suiciding, was certainly a nasty trick to play on anyone - but it was by no means the first time such things have happened. However, going back to the one person who spoke up for Blackmark, Occy seems to think he has had a raw deal, and people are ganging up on him more because of his reputation than because of anything he has actually done. If Blackmark himself is not prepared to tell us his side of the story, I doubt we will ever find out whether he really is a villain or not. But if he does not do something to convince the other players that he isn't a baddy, he is going to be saddled with a very unfortunate reputation. **>> ALAS POOR ... Bandor was very excited about his immiment Traderhood, and was rushing around trying to find the Grand Master who would confirm his appointment. He died, in the excitement he forgot to reinsure, and he died again. We are not sure whether he will be returning to Fed Data Space, but if he does, we hope people will help him regain his position as soon as possible. **>> WHO HAS THE KEY TO ARIEL'S CHASTITY BELT? Remember our vague mention last week about Ariel being locked into a chastity belt? Masher's mood stated that he was the lucky person to have the key! Whether Masher did have the key, or whether he was just indulging in wishful thinking, we don't know. Indeed, we don't even know if Ariel really was locked up! We do know that she had previously been somewhat free with her favours. However, Logan took exception to Masher having the key, and to Masher's insinuations about Ariel's character and behaviour, and decided to defend her honour. He challenged Masher to a duel to the death. The two leapt into their ships, primed their weapons, and started chasing each other round the Solar System. The result: Logan - 2, Masher - 0. Yes, Masher ended up dead-dead. At least, that's what Logan said, although we haven't seen or heard any confirmation from Masher himself. However, in these days of liberation, is it really necessary for men to embrace the ideals of chivalry and leap to defend the honour of women? Surely Ariel was quite capable of punishing Masher herself if she thought it necessary. Or was Logan just engaging in some macho showing-off? **>> YET MORE VIOLENCE! We really don't know what has come over Fed Data Space. There was a time when we lamented the fact that you were all such a peaceful, law-abiding bunch, who wouldn't dream of buying missiles. Maybe it is sunspots affecting people's brains... Anyway, the latest in a long line of challenges is that Samantha has decided to kill Logan dead-dead because he said something nasty about her friend Kevin. Her boast was, in fact, that he would be dead before this News Bulletin hit the streets! Well, in these days of liberation maybe it is right for a woman to leap to the defence of a man. We should point out that is incredibly difficult to dispose of someone permanently unless they either co-operate, or are very very stupid. If you know someone is out to get you, just don't leave the planet! You'll be quite safe on the ground. And if feel staying planet-bound would cramp your style, you'll be much safer if you navigate between the planets manually, rather than using the command. And it goes without saying, if someone kills you once, don't even think about making a mad dash for the Insurance Office on Venus while they are still lurking in space. Wait until they've given up before you venture into orbit again. **>> SLOGAN From time to time, Fedders come up with slogans that sum up life in Fed Data Space in a succinct sentence. Anyone below Trader will sympathise with "I'll just do one more job, then I'll quit" which became something of a cliche in the early days of Fed. The latest slogan we have heard almost beats that one: "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how fast you get the goods to the desired location." Unfortunately, we've lost the name of the person who came up with that! If you would like to claim credit for brilliance, mail us. **>> PROMOTIONS NEWS Polar has been promoted to JP. Congrats, Polar! Have fun with GM... (evil grin). Occy is still struggling with the GM puzzle, but was confident that the next time she tries it she would be successful. But surely we've heard that before...? Ender made Trader - thanks to Hazed! Poor Ender was determined to do things the hard way - he hadn't downloaded the instructions, he had no maps, yet he was attempting to find the Grand Master. Not surprisingly, he had no luck. After several days, he begged his friend Hazed to help him, so she started leading him around by the hand, intending to visit every location until he gained his promotion. But that wasn't necessary - only a few steps from their starting point, Ender found the GM! Hazed must have brought him luck. **>> IT'S SURVEY TIME Our Illustrious Leader has been busy over the last few months changing displays to take advantage of 80 column screens. But before she converts any more of the displays, she would like to know how many of you are using computers that can only display in 40 columns. Please mail us, using the Feedback option from the main Fed menu, if you are using a 40 column screen. **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed, Cryptosporidium, Bella or Clem in the game * leave a message in the game log * send mail with the Federation Feedback option from the main menu You can order a copy of the unexpurgated printed Idiot's Guide to Federation II by typing ORDER at any GEnie menu. Cost - a mere $12.95. Federation II has a category in Scorpia's Games RT. To get there, type M805,1 from any menu prompt and SET category 29. The Scorpia RT also has a Federation II library in the files area, Library 22. **>> BULLETIN ENDS