**>> SPYNET BULLETIN  
 **>> EARTHDATE 92.04.26 
 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE  
  
  
 **>> FROM THE THROAT OF POISON PEN - THE UNOFFICIAL UNCON UNREPORT 
 
Sure, we know what you're all thinking. "Why did we have to wait so long for
this!?!', not to mention 'It had bloody well better be good!!!'. 
 
You must understand, gentle readers, two things about the yellow journalism
business: These things take time, and There are no guarantees. First of all,
nobody - well, almost nobody - will talk while the embarrassment of what they
have done [or what they think they may have done but can't remember] is still
fresh in their minds [or equivalent]. Secondly, it takes TIME to track down all
the would-be informants and get them sufficiently drunk to make them overlook
such little things as being discreet when the shady-looking newsdroid sitting
across from them has its tape-recorder unit running. Or, in the cases where
even that doesn't work [we have noticed to our dismay that some Fedders, we
shall not mention any names, seem to have developed the ability to keep their
wits about them until the moment they pass out on the floor. We assume this is
due to their considerable experience in that sort of situation, but it
certainly isn't appreciated by the shady-looking newsdroids, who after all are
paid by the word.] ... as we were saying, in the cases where plying them with
liquor didn't work, we had to set our team of investigative reporterthings to
digging up all the past dirt on the reluctant ones, and convince them to
voluntarily provide the Real Truth, or at least try to make something up, so we
wouldn't be forced to print all that OTHER Real Truth that they'd rather not
have anyone know about. 
 
These things take time, as we said, and frankly the results of all our
relentless investigations were rather disappointing! We simply couldn't come up
with too many details of the sordid occurrences in Washington, and many of the
details we DID come up with were simply not fit to print in a family-oriented
publication such as this one. [You will not, for instance, be able to get your
jollies reading about what ****** was trying to do to *********, right in front
of everyone in the conference room; though we hear there are photographs
available from certain unscrupulous sources.] 
 
Either not much really happened at the UnCon and the rumours were mere rumours
with no basis in fact whatsoever [we doubt that seriously], or the ready
availability of hotel rooms with locking doors and the unfortunate absence of
spybeams in Real Life prevented most of the good stuff from being reported to
us, or, the most likely excuse in our humble opinion, those who attended the
UnCon simply did not have enough functioning braincells remaining to remember
what happened, or indeed if anything happened at all, and certainly not enough
to exert the necessary creative mental effort to make something up! 
 
Therefore, such stories as what exactly Oxcart was doing walking around wearing
nothing but a trenchcoat and a rubber chicken, what REALLY happened to
Galauriel's shoes, the incident at the Lincoln Memorial, and Hazed's little
spanking escapade, cannot be reported in their entirety. You shall all just
have to use your imaginations. 
 
We did, however, uncover a few fascinating true-life facts about certain
people, which all you paranoid types can set down in those complete dossiers
you keep on everyone you've ever met, just in case: 
 
     Fact: The Vile Cryptosporidium is ticklish! Just ask Galauriel. 
     Fact: Hazed drinks alcoholic beverages! Shocking! 
     Fact: Slew and Tal are not, as rumoured, the same person. [Rumours 
           that they are anywhere from six to twenty-seven different 
           people all manifesting their personalities in two bodies are 
           unconfimred, however] 
     Fact: Tony and Destiny are NOT actually camouflage-clad, Uzi-toting, 
           card-carrying members of the People's Liberation Front. 
 
And the most amazing True Fact of all: 
 
           Oxcart is like that in Real Life!!! 
 
Speaking of Oxcart [Seems we're always speaking of Oxcart! Doesn't  anyone else
ever do anything? Well, some of you do, we suppose, but since most of what goes
on is unfit for publication, our sleazy newsthings, who are rather disappointed
by not being able to see their investigations in print though they do have a
bit of fun giggling over all the unprintable things in the reporters' locker-
room after work, would like to make a request that once in a while, instead of
hiding off in some remote corner of a rarely-visited planet, you might think of
carrying on in public a bit more, and perhaps a bit less explicitly, so we'll
have something to print without incurring the wrath of the Legal Department...]
As we were saying, speaking of Oxcart... whose love life, we must admit, has
been a shambles lately - after Bessy's death and subsequent infidelities with
Maxis, and being rejected by just about every female in Fed... Oxcart may have
found True Love at the Con after all, in the form of Reginald. 
 
Reg, for those of you who do not know about this already, is a chicken. We have
received conflicting reports claiming that Reg is either a rubber chicken, or
simply a chicken in a rubber suit. Since we obviously cannot rely on the
unclouded perceptions of our informants, and since either option is equally
perverted, we shall not attempt to come to any conclusions about which is true.
All we know for sure is that Reg spent a considerable amount of time in
Oxcart's trousers [when Ox bothered to wear any, that is], and that there was a
certain unmentionable incident involving either grapes, limes, or some other
sort of small round objects. 
 
There is apparently no truth to the rumour that Oxcart was actually thrown out
of the hotel, though we hear he recieved quite a bit of eager assistance from
the hotel staff in carrying his luggage out as quickly as possible when he
finally decided to leave. 
 
As we have mentioned, we cannot provide too many details of the spanking
incident. Hazed claims it was unintentional, though we can't imagine how one
can spank people by accident, unless she meant somehow spanking the wrong
people, perhaps due to a somewhat incoherent state of mind at the time. Freya
was in no way involved in that particular incident, and neither was Paladin, we
have been told - but, as we have mentioned, the accuracy of the reports we
recieved leaves much to be desired, so we shall let you all come to your own
conclusions. 
 
We have also got reports that Tony, Destiny and Slew all acted as perfect
gentlemen throughout the UnCon. Some of our newsthings have considered quitting
the business altogether if their informants are going to persist in making up
such shocking fabrications! 
 
Seems no one reported any rumours at all about Russ... certainly makes us
wonder what actually went on there, as it seems it can't even be mentioned...
And the reports we were given concerning Juliet, Silversteel, and Rezrov were
so thoroughly confusing that we can't even begin to try to figure out what they
actually mean. 
 
And, last but not least, it's not true that Cryptosporidium was deported from
America as a national security risk. Seems it was all a big mistake involving
Crypto being mistaken for some sort of new biological warfare device, and once
things were straightened out with the Oval Office and all that, Crypto was
reluctantly allowed to remain. It is rumoured that certain government officials
were convinced by the explanation that the UnCon was an astronaut's convention. 
 
Well, after our newsthings have a holiday [there is some argument as to whether
they deserve one, but unfortunately it's in the Sleazy Reporter's Union
contract...] we shall once again get down to reporting all the true, sordid
incidents that go on in Fed Dataspace, which is certainly much easier than
trying to report true sordid facts going on in Washington! 
 
 
 **>> PLANETS - ON-STAGE, OFF-STAGE, AND WAITING IN THE WINGS 
 
Davidge intends to remove Maya from the game next week, from Monday May 4. He
advises all factory owners to sell their planets on Maya before the weekend. We
don't know the reason for this, or if it is going to be out of the game for
good - Davidge, tell us what's going on for next week's news! 
 
Otoole made a surprise appearance in Fed recently, which meant his planet
Brewski came out to play for the first time in five months. It was short-lived,
though: he's been gone for over seven days now, so Brewski has been packed up
and folded away again. 
 
Mirth's planet is ready, and will be going into the game as soon as Flatliner
gets the problems with his mini-planet sorted out. If you're reading this,
Flatty: Extract That Digit! 
 
 
 **>> POOR POOR PERSON 
 
Mattster was really chuffed about making it to Adventurer. It had taken a lot
of hard work, and he really felt he was getting somewhere in Fed. His stats had
gone up - and best of all, he could use the hyperspace link to visit other
systems! 
 
His joy, however, was short-lived. On his way through Zodiac space, he was set
upon by a battlecruiser, and died. He woke up in the Hospital on the planet,
and set off to find the Insurance Broker... but lost his way and died again!
Dead-dead!! 
 
He has started again and is back up to Adventurer, thanks to help from friends.
But his tale throws up a few morals. 
 
A moral for planet owners. Always make sure the Insurance Broker is near the
Hospital, and there are no hazards between them. If your planet gets a
reputation for being dangerous, you'll deter the tourist trade. 
 
For players who find themselves in this situation: if no-one can give you
directions to the Insurance Office on the planet where you died, and you don't
want to risk searching for it, you can sell your spaceship and <TRAVEL> back to
the Solar System. It's an expensive way to do it, but it's better than dying! 
 
 
 **>> SCIENTISTS FOR SALE 
 
Niun informed us that he wishes to sell pieces of unsuccessful scientists,
which would be ideal for hospitals needing clone parts. The sun of his world
was recently swallowed by a passing black hole (presumably three shredded wheat
were not enough for it) and the scientists claimed they could build an
artificial sun. Niun paid them an enormous amount of money to do this, and they
have so far failed to come up with the goods. The situation is now getting
desparate: the planet is frozen solid, with just enough geo-thermal energy to
keep the Mall, the Trading Exchange and the Landing Pad open for business. 
 
Every time the scientists deliver a negative report to Niun, he slaughters
another one and tears the corpse limb from limb: hence his "for sale" notice.
We suggest he contacts Diesel with a view to providing a new range of "novelty"
pizza! 
 
 
 **>>CONTACTS  
  
The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you  
don't have to read it if you already know it.  
  
In the event of a problem or question, you can:  
  
 * talk to Hazed or Bella in the game  
  
 * leave a <TYPO> message in the game log  
  
 * <SEND> a message to Hazed or Bella  
  
 * send mail with the Federation Feedback option from the main menu  
  
You can order a copy of the unexpurgated printed Idiot's Guide to Federation by  
typing ORDER at any GEnie menu. Cost - a mere $12.95. (New edition will be 
available shortly!)  
  
Federation has several category in the new MPGames RT. To get there, type  
M1045,1 from any menu prompt and SET category 13 (for information,  
instructions, questions and answers) or 14 (for general chat and discussions).  
The Federation Leader in the bulletin board is Krell (Mail ID: K.HILLYER).  
There are also private categories for Explorers and for the Conclave; these are 
run by Krell and Oddball (Mail ID: D.STALZLE).  
  
The MPGames RT also has a Federation library in the files area, Library 5.  
Library 18 holds the Federation News Archives.  
  
 **>> BULLETIN ENDS