**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 94.07.03 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> Compiled by Newsdroid Jonny 5 plus a team of specialist newsdroids **>> your news and gossip and get paid good groats! **>> BELLA RETURNS, HAZED FLEES! Oh dear, this is all too upsetting. There I was, calmly compiling the early sections of the news bulletins, when in walked Our Illustrious Leader, back from her trip abroad, looking tired and haggard, with terrible green bags under her eyes. "Where's Hazed?" she asked vaguely. One by one, the other newsdroids slunk out of the room, or hid behind the potted plants, or turned themselves off so they didn't have to answer, leaving me, a lowly copy-droid, the only live droid in the place. "Isn't Hazed here?" said Bella, peering around the room with that vacant stare we all know so well. What could I say? "No, she's... she's..." I stuttered, lost for words. How could I tell Bella that Hazed had fled Fed DataSpace in the wake of her abortive coup and several assassination attempts, terrified of the Green One's wrath? I gulped. "She... had to go away... suddenly..." I closed my visors and waited for Bella's anger, fully expecting to be turned into an ashtray at any minute. But there was silence. I half raised my vision-slot and peered through, to see Bella falling asleep in her chair. Perhaps I was safe after all! I slowly trundled towards the door, hoping to escape before Bella realised I was gone. "Wait!" I had almost make it out the door, when she roused herself and stopped me in my tracks. This was it, I knew I was about to be discorporated. I prepared myself for the journey to Droid Heaven... "If Hazed isn't here, you'll have to do the news tomorrow." With that astonishing remark, OIL fell into a deep slumber, from which she still has not roused. So, here I am, newsdroid Jonny 5, promoted unexpectedly to Editroid of the Weekly Fed News Bulletin. Wait till I tell them back home - this will show them! Now, let's see... how do these machines work? Which button do you press first - the red one? [BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP] No, guess it's not the red one. Don't worry, I'll figure it out... **>> POWER-MAD DEMI-GODDESS So what exactly did happen to Hazed, then? Well, you know how she'd been plotting to take control of the Galactic Administration in Bella's absence? Things didn't exactly go to plan for her and her coup failed, so as the time for Bella's return drew closer she decided to fall back on Plan B - Assassination! She was going to murder Bella. In her first attempt, she followed Bella to a sleazy down-town motel where she was hanging out with Freya. Jamming the lift, she trapped the two of them inside, then set fire to the hotel! She was sorry that her buddy Freya was involved in this, but she felt that the ends justified the means. However, this arson attack failed when an enterprising waitdroid put out the fire by squirting it with Diesel's Old Peculiar. With the failure of her assassination, Hazed became desparate. Her only chance now was to prevent Bella's flight from getting back home. First she caused a large electrical storm which prevented the plane from taking off. She followed this by jamming the brakes on the plane so that even if it managed to take off it would never land safely. A passenger taken ill on the plane fortuitously served to further delay Bella's return. But Hazed failed once again, because even with all this Bella managed to get back to civilization only 24 hours later than planned. Hazed knew there was no hope now - Bella would never trust her again after this! In a last, desparate move, she set off the fire alarms at the airport to delay Bella's disembarkation from the plane, and fled for her life. A passerby reported seeing a shadowy figure outside Chateaux Bella, shinning up a drainpipe to cut the phone lines, before disappearing into the night. Our Beloved Editrix was last seen disguised as a new-age traveller, trying to hitch lift to Alpha Centauri. Will we ever see her again? Who knows... Now, where did I put the information for the next story? Oh dear, being an Editroid isn't as easy as it looked! I'm not sure my nerves can stand this... I need a drink. **>> LOOKING AFTER THEIR FRIENDS Some people are just so selfless. Really, they go out of their way to help others and protect them from harm. Such altruists! You see, it may come as a surprise to know that there are, in Fed DataSpace, some rather unscrupulous people - pirates looking for a chance to gun you down in cold blood, mercenaries out to turn a quick profit at the expense of -*your*- planet, con-artists, dumpers, assassins - honestly, it's just not safe to get out of bed some days. So those nice ne Galdur boys, Tellurian and his brother Tellurain, have pledged to help stamp out such unsavory behaviour. They plan to protect their friends and ensure they come to no harm, physical, mental or fiscal. Isn't that decent of them? Of course, there are only two of them so they can't protect everybody in Fed DataSpace all at once, that's why they can only help their very close friends. But not to worry, you can become a very close friend and enjoy their protection, by the payment of a token fee, just a small amount really, only enough to seal your friendship, it's a mere formality you understand. Look what happened to poor Budwarp. He didn't want to make friends with the ne Galdur brothers, and some wicked person went and dumped all over his planet! He lost millions. Don't let this happen to you. Hey, I'm gettin' into the swing of things now! Let's have another li'l drinky to help smooth things along... **>> THE BOOK OF PEGASUS: THE BEASTY-ATTITUDES Blessed are the poor in spirits: for theirs is the kingdom of Cantina. Blessed are they that whine: for they shall be comforted by Pegasus. Blessed are the meek: for they shall inhabit the hospital on Earth. Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after pizza and ale: for they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciless: for they shall obtain much notoriety. Blessed are the pure in the arts of assassination: for they shall see Pegasus. Blessed are the war-makers: for they shall be called the children of Pegasus. Blessed are they which persecute for self-righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of Snark. Blessed are ye, when men shall violate you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be mad: for great are the groats for your reward in Sol: for so persecuting they the prophets Glurg and Tellurian which were before you. Ye are the salt of the wound: but if the sugar cube have lost its savour, who shall be assaulted? Ye are thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under hoof of horse. Ye are the mites of Sol. A ship that is set above Jupiter can be hit. Neither do beings light a torch, and put it under a buttocks, but power up the twinlasers; and it giveth MAYDAYs unto all that are in Federation Data Space. Let your lasers so fire on Newbods that they may see their ship stats decrease, and glorify Pegasus which is in Sol. Think not that I have come to destroy the newbods, or the traders: I am not come to destroy, but to annihilate. Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall complain to other beings so, he shall be the least of rank in Sol; but whoever shall do and teach newbods by these methods, the same shall be the highest ranked in Sol. For I say unto you, accept your self-righteousness over the righteousness of the traders and merchants, or ye shall in no case enter into Snark. Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shall not kill dead-dead; and whosoever shall even say that they will kill dead-dead shall be in danger of a lock-out. Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out of jail, till thou hast typed bang. I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath copulated with her already in Samantha's. And if thy Rai guy offend thee, expel it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should dump on Seppuku, and not that thy whole duchy should be cast into Hell. Again, ye have heard that it hath been by them that are old, Thou shall not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto Pegasus thine oaths. But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither in Sol; for it is Bella's game: Nor by Earth, for it is not a player planet: neither by Jupiter; for it is the great trap of the Great Glurg. Neither shalt thou swear by comms, TB's, XT's, ACTs, SAY's, or POSTs, because thou canst not delete it, or your character shall be. But let your communication be, Yeah Yeah; Neigh Neigh: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of the wiping-out of your character. Be ye therefore perfect, even as Bella which is in her own world vague; and Hazed which in her mind is perfect; and Freya which in her gossip is not; and Tellurian which is in his economics perfect; and Tellurain which is in his ship murderous; and Emmi which is in her cooking most perfectly poisonous. **>> NEW TAXES PLANNED We've got income tax, customs duty, capital gains tax, chicken tax, tin tax, sin tax... now the Galactic Administration plans to levy an ill-gotten gains tax against those raking in excessive profit from dodgy protection rackets. You know who you are... As a reminder to you all that Fed's Party Hosts may be possessed by the spirit of a number of different people: an unnamed villain tried to put the squeeze on Freya the other day, offering her "special insurance" to make sure she didn't have any "accidents". But imagine their surprise when Freya turned green in front of their eyes and started ordering Green Chili Vodkas for everyone! It was, in fact, Bella in disguise, who made her feelings very clear about what might happen to villains making threats! Hey, I just thought up a slogan for myself! From Around the Sun, Across The Ruins, and up Your Alley... Here is Guest Newsdroid Jonny 5 with all the Input that's fit to print! (Hic!] And THEN some! Whatdya think, huh? [Clllllllnnnnnnngggggg!] Ooops! I fell over. **>> DID YOU KNOW THE WORD GULLIBLE ISN'T IN THE DICTIONARY? There seems to be a rash of practical jokers running amok in this nice little corner of Cyberspace we call FED! [Buzz] Newbods have, frankly, been dropping like flies all over the Solar System! And it appears that PT Barnum really was an underachiever! For there are dozens born, and Hundreds to take 'em! [Hic...whrrr...] So, as a public service to those who are around when the cripsy crackle of Newbods is heard, here is the Top Ten List for this week! (Cue Canned Applause) [Hic! Whrrr....] The topic is: TOP TEN THINGS SAID BY NEWBODS THIS WEEK: 10) Why is the chicken killing me? 9) No...I never throught of eating it...hmm... 8) And that will make me more powerful? 7) I really don't need weapons to kill peggy? 6) What do you mean, Talisan, when you say "Alucard won't care"? 5) Why is the chicken killing me? 4) This won't kill me, will it? 3) You promise you won't shoot me? 2) I must have done that wrong. 1) WHAT HAPPENED?!??!?? There are some who would condemn this sort of behavior, and indeed, this sort of list, but hey... if you have a problem with any of it... meet Newsdroid Jonny 5, any time, I live 3 spaces south of Mercury. **>> MAD POULTRY Un-named sources [Hic! Whirr....thorns!] have confirmed a story that will possibly shed some light on our mysterious new player, Psychochicken, and a blood-fued with Archangel. Archangel, our sources say, is sexually repressed, due to terminal virginity, and is sublimating his rage into this missile-based attack on the true object of his affections, namely, Psychochicken. Psychochicken, a lusty female body with the intuition of Killer Poultry, is really the innocent party in all of this! Our Fortune-telling source [Hic! Whirr..] tell us that the Chicken is merely a pawn in a much greater game... [Buzz...] Sherman, set the way back machine... Once upon a time, A fair maid and a dashing gentleman were to be Married. Their names were Dierdre and Jainzar. Even though she couldn't spell his name (See Last Issue), Dierdre pledged to honor and love Jainzar till the end of time. (Sweet, ain't it?) But clouds of lustful deceit were afoot! (Swell organ music up) For the good Jainzar was secretly lusting after the Poor Misunderstood McNugget! When Dierdre learned of this...she ran off to the arms of Rai, and began a brief, but intense affair, to get even with Jainzar. Rai, in a wonderful (if misguided) piece of bravado, pledged to kill the Chicken for his newfound love. But 'twas not in the cards! For Rai fell in love with the Cluck-de-homicide, and will, in fact be coming to the wedding of Jainzar and Dierdre. (Of course the wedding is still on! We're very open minded here!) Outraged that Rai and the chicken were allied against her, Dierdre sent out a ban to all the bars in FedSpace: The Chicken was not invited! Overwrought, the "Victim Poulet" went mad!! Buying the heartiest ship she could afford, she started her one-hen-rampage to rid Fed of hypocrisy! So when next you see the Psychochicken AWK!-ing in the night sky, think twice, before shooting. Remember, someone with a Thorny Flower told me so! **>> SNIPPETS I have an unconfirmed report having to do with the Betty Crocker of Fed, Emmi. It seems that she has been "Keeping Sean Up" nights. Any explanations....? Hmmm.... [Buzz...hic!] This week's Question of the Week award goes to Widowmaker...who, after climbing the ranks for as long as he has...and doing a lot of puzzling, trading and philandering, was overheard saying, "Neuromancer's a She?!?" Well, now it can be told! Alucard and Talisan are going to tie the knot in a quiet ceremony, 2 Sundays Past Linkday. The exact date and time will be posted at the bars soon. The bride is registered at Fredericks' of Uranus, and the groom at Shelter Blood Bank. There is an old saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions!" there were two interesting twists to this last week: Windman has spent a number of hours trying to "woo" Gortek! Gortek, for those of us who know "him" had mis-typed during his setup, and had been playing as a female! Needless to say, Boy George was singing as THIS "Crying Game" played out to its finish! And poor, poor, Data... Taking to the skies to attack the murderous chicken, he took a slight detour, by way of Monty, Peggy, and then - as if to symbolically thumb her nose to the whole thing - TelluRANI, who polished him off neatly, with a single shot. Sorry Data... **>> NUPTIAL POSTPONEMENT! Deirdre and Jainzar have been forced to postpone their wedding, because they want so many attendants they've been finding it more difficult to fix a date suitable for all than it is to collect helpers for the JP puzzle! The wedding will now take place some time in August, we have been told. The note didn't say what year, of course... **>> IS FED'S LONGEST RELATIONSHIP OVER? A few nights ago, Alucard and Devon were in Sam's discussing engagement rings. Alucard was showing off the ring that he had bought for his true love, Talisan. Maxwell and Emmi were there, and Maxwell was oblivious to the discussion, much to Emmi's dismay. Now, Maxwell and Emmi have supposively been engaged since February, but an engagement ring does not yet grace Emmi's fair hand, nor has a date been set for the wedding. Emmi's uncharacteristic patience about this oversight is showing signs of wearing thin. She has been seen lately spending a lot of time in Sam's engaged in deep converstion with Jim. We are not sure how intimate these conversations have gotten, but are going to disguise a newsdroid as one of Sam's waitdroids to find out. Meanwhile, Emmi appears to have found another Irishman to flirt with when Maxwell is not around. Since Sean is now happily married - he has been overheard on several occasions explaining to young lasses as he tugs on his wedding band that, 'It doesna come off, lass', much to their amusement - Emmi had to look further afield. The new object of her affections? Young Devon. Emmi has been seen tipping the lad large sums of groats for services rendered... we can just imagine what that means! The Lilith and SarahCurran have been seen parked on the Eire Landing Pad several times lately. It appears that Emmi and Lydia are on an entended visit with Siobhan and Sean.... Or perhaps Emmi has moved out on Maxwell and taken their daughter with her? Or perhaps there is still something going on between Sean and Emmi, as Siobhan has been overhead complaining about how Sean has been ignoring her lately, and has been staying up late talking with Emmi. Stay tuned readers, for the latest news on the probable breakup of Emmi and Maxwell. Emmi would be a fine catch for any eligible man in Federation. She is a Thane, with a planet that has a very profitable exchange, which pulls in good coin every day. She is a red headed woman, and as a popular late 20th century earth poet observed: 'Well brunettes are fine man' 'And Blondes are fun' 'But when it comes to getting a dirty job done' 'I'll take a red headed woman' **>> PLANETS AND DUCHIES There is very little to report on the planet scene. Tempest and Epini are due to go mini early in the week, so take this last opportunity to explore while you can. Surf has advanced to Industrial level, and will be going mini very soon. Riccardo is working on the Duke puzzle - lots of opportunities for traders there as he will need a whole lot of commods to keep his time machine operational! He took a trip back in time to Horsell yesterday, taking a coach-party of excited tourists with him... but he failed to provide the return trip, leaving them stranded! They all had to kill themselves to return to their own time. Not a good thing to do, Riccardo - if you get a reputation for abandoning people in strange timezones, you may find it hard to find helpers when you need them. Not to mention the high possibility that you may get sued for punitive damages by the stressed out time- trippers! Alucard's new planet, Ainavlysnart, will be linked sometime this week. Kainaw's new planet Tisnar is also ready to roll. **>> SPYNET REVIEW Congratulations to everyone who was promoted during the week. The new Captains were Astrin, Lazarus, Matthew, Janel, Wolfpack and Benson. Akira, Lydia, Psychochicken and Gortek were promoted to Adventurer or - euse. The Traders Guild admitted Drizz, Windman, Psychochicken, Firesong and Akira. Galena and Psychochicken made it to Merchant. DrSpock solved the fiendish GM puzzle. Surfer advanced his planet twice, becoming first a Thane and then an Industrialist. Trader Akira went dead-dead on... yes, you've guessed it, Bree! Finally, Amigan played his 1000th game. **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed, Bella, Emmi, Freya, Tellurian or Tellurain in the game * a message to Hazed * send GEnie mail with the Mail about Federation option from the main menu A front-end terminal program is available for Federation, for the PC and Amiga. You can download a copy of FedTerm from the Federation official libraries (option 3 on the main Fed page). The third edition of the unexpurgated printed Idiot's Guide to Federation is now available, price $15.95. Type ORDER from any GEnie main menu and buy one. Or more! Federation has several categories in the MPGames RT. To get there, type M1045,1 from any menu prompt and SET category 13 (for information, instructions, questions and answers) or 14 (for general chat and discussions). The Federation Leader in the bulletin board is Oxcart (Mail ID: J.LONG29). There are also private categories for Explorers and the Sentate, run by Krell (Mail ID: K.HILLYER). The MPGames RT has a Federation player library in the files area, Lib 5. **>> BULLETIN ENDS