**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 94.07.17 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> Compiled by an anonymous guest plus a team of specialist newsdroids **>> your news and gossip and get paid good groats! **>> GUEST NEWSDROID This week the news is being compiled by an anonymous guest, but before we let you marvel at his, her or its outpourings, let's get the official stuff out of the way... **>> PLANETS AND DUCHIES There's been a major upheaval in the duchies, with two new planets this week (Kainaw's Tisnar and Alucard's Snart), two new Dukes over the past few weeks (Riccardo and Gemini), two new Senators (Plantking and Ramius) and lots of moving to and fro. Kimos' Starship, Maxwell's Dawn and Fletcher's Pagrah remain Independent worlds. Looney's duchy of Insanity controls Jade's Dunnottar, Amigan's Mycenae and Surfer's Surf. Roissy, Marcia's duchy, has Akiko's Mirai, Ciaran's Ulster and Rakshasa's Utopia. Riccardo's new Links duchy has attracted Neuromancer's Paradigm, Emmi's Addis, Mosquito's Sutra and Budwarp's Epini. Nightstalker's Nightfall is joint largest duchy, with Zagmar's Valaria, Tao's Rtyui, Chainsaw's Nautilus, Rai's Seppuku, Chance's Chaos and Kainaw's new Tisnar. Gemini's newly-formed duchy of Ssendmaerd has picked up Tantras' Vertigo, Dirge's Qushmarrah, Blackadder's Hyperion and Brawn's Outpost. Barberousse's Source is the other large duchy. He controls Silk's Fortymile, Sean's Eire, Tellurain's Bree, Talisan's Skan, Sharp's Acme and Alucard's new Phlebos. The planet Neemeesis, in the system Bree, will be turning mini tomorrow because of its sudden advance from Agricultural to Leisure. But don't think the mini is going to be any safer than the full size planet... Blackadder's Hyperion will go mini during the week; it has now advanced to mining. Talisan's Shelter will also go mini soon. Surfer's Surfside went mini during the week. It's worth a look, because it was especially written by our very own beloved Editrix, Hazed. If you explored the original sun, sea, sand and surf planet you'll be surprised by the changes! **>> NO RESERVATIONS ABOUT THIS PLANET Kainaw's new planet, Tisnar, is a monument to the native American people, allowing tourists to see how the other half used to live. Be careful how you step as get out of your ship; the landing pad is knee- deep in obnoxious children. From the landing pad you can go in all directions; the usual services are N, S, and E, while the diagonal directions take you to viewing ports, allowing you to see various Indian tribes in their native habitat. West is the reservation, but our newsdroid wasn't allowed to enter. Off the trading exchange is the bar, Your Place; it is rough and ready but welcoming nonetheless. Looking more closely at the viewing ports, you find that one of them has something odd about it... if you wish, you can actually enter the scene it depicts! Here you can explore the vast rolling plains, talk to members of the Blackfoot tribe, and try to avoid getting killed by other tribes. Tisnar continues in the tradition of well-written planets that provide plenty to keep explorers occupied. It tells a story, and has a puzzle for you to solve. There are two 25 meg rewards on offer for the first people to solve the puzzle (Djmayhem has claimed the first!) and a high-paying object/mobile match. Well done, Kainaw. **>> A BLOOD-CURDLING EXPERIENCE Ainavlysnart, commonly known as Snart (thankfully!) is in the Phlebos system. It's Alucard's new planet, and not surprisingly it is populated by vampires. Not happy, jolly vampires that enjoy life (or half-life), but desparate, despairing vampires, living dreary lives. Maybe you can bring some colour back to this depressing world? Colour other than blood-red, that is. The usual services are around the landing pad. The Typo Negative is the bar, and you are advised to take your own refreshments, unless you share the tastes of the bar staff. The hospital is a sinister place, and our explorerdroid fervently hoped he wouldn't have to come here. Worse is the insurance office, underneath the hospital... The carriage depot lets you take transport south or east. East leads to Alucard's castle, full of horrors as one would expect. South leads to ever more unpleasant places, including a theatre where you can become the star of the show. Like Tisnar, Snart is very well written, and it tells a story. It's a dangerous planet, and if you explore it thoroughly you will die many times, but it's worth the effort. Another great planet! And now, over to our guest! It's another week of the news and we've packed the D.G. off to the spa to tune-up that nimbile nebulous of hers. (What a babe! What a doll!) Sure, she left one of her creaky-fingered droids in charge. But hey! See that pile of smoking junk over there in the corner? Well that, friends, is the remains of Newsdroid #9 (a more mealy-mouthed machine I've never seen!) I didn't think Tellurani would miss her bazooka for a couple of hours, especially with that handful of narcotics I slipped into her drink to keep her company. I've never known those ne Galdurs to turn down a drink, have you? (Except meybe for Mister pampas-assed Senator with the swill he calls ale.) But I degrease... ya see, the lovily Hazed will come back from her little hiatus and see what a bang-up job I've done while she's gone. Who knows... meybe there'll be a hot news item for this rag soon after. What a team! Me, W.C. and that buxom beatitude Herself. Now for the news. Get to work, you slackdroids! I need copy for the slush-columns! -- W.C., Guest Editor **>> BELLA BRIBED! Newsflash! Late-breaking evidence suggests that our esteemed leader Bella was bribed into allowing the existence of a SECOND spy-proof room among the myriad mantle of player planets surrounding fair Sol. The exact location of the room is unknown but rumor has it that its location is surrounded by a high element of risk to personae and it's said to contain an executable ornament. So if secrecy is of such paramount importance that you're moved to seek out this hazardous hideaway, check your insurance, proceed with caution and above all... don't forget to quit out and return before you open your mouth, whether that be to spill your guts or pursue other pleasures with it. **>> THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID POLITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT... ***** AND THE ENVELOPE PLEASE! ***** We are pleased as punch (Or at least pleased that we haven't been punched lately) to announce the First Annual Feddie Awards! For a number of years now, players have gone "above and beyond the call" to come up with the best that MPG's have to offer in the way of creativity! So now, those exceptional persons (or the equivalent) will be recognized! The exact Date and Location of the Awards ceremony is yet to be determined, but that's the easy part! First we need nominees! And that is where you, faithful reader, come in. We need your input! So, what you need to do, is E-Mail R.HOFFMASTER (That's Alucard, by the way, who has gratiously offered his services) your nominations in the following categories: Best Mood Best Couple Best Fighter Best Trader Best Company Name Best Lover (Male) Best Lover (Female) Best Lover (Other) Best Spybeamer Best Dropped TB Best Clothing Best Ship Paint-job Best Player-Planet Best Single Location on a Player-Planet Best Puzzle Best Ship Name Most Imaginative Personna Best Performance There are, I am sure, many other categories that come to mind, but we didn't want this to get out of hand! "Most Obvious 2nd Account" and "Best Cross-Dresser" are interesting, but hey.....let's get real! Anyway, the voting procedure will go like this: You are free to nominate as many people/places/names etc, as you like for each of the categories. The top 3 Nominees in each category will be named in a future issue of the FedNews, and then, everyone will vote for their favorite of the 3 nominees! Simple, huh? So do it! Jot down your faves, and E-Mail them to R.HOFFMASTER before the 6th of August! And look for your top 3 choices in the August 14th issue of the FedNews. Vote Early, and Vote Often! (And yes, Tellurain, you can nominate yourself :)) **>> UFO SIGHTING A number of curious reports from the Fed populace all collaborate the sighting of a UFO last Sunday evening. The object or 'craft' per se has been described as resembling double elliptical dirigibles. When asked about the phenomena, one eye-witness commented "I thought Fuji and Goodyear had the biggest blimps..." Until more information is uncovered regarding the bulbous mystery orbs, official sources have dubbed them 'Double-Trouble'. **>> TYPICAL BUREAUCRACY I got an anonymous tip that the Galactic Administration's Department of Science had some important information about a hazard due to happen near Castillo. I went their office to enquire about this. The droid at the desk did confirm that a bulletin was drawn up concerning the hazard but that its public release was held up by red tape. I casually mentioned that I had a few friends in the Senate and that a certain mechanical public servant was going to be exiled to the infamous prison world of Chaos if it did not satisfy my curiosity. The horrified droid immediately hurried off and came back with a copy of the bulletin. Here it is (note the date--a little late perhaps?): OFFICIAL NOTICE FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF SCIENCE ---------------------------------------------- We have determined that 21 major fragments of a shattered comet will strike the night side of Jupiter over a period of 7 days starting on Saturday July 16. During that time numerous small fragments may constitute a hazard in the vicinity of Jupiter and Castillo to persons or things doing space walks outside their ships; even particles the size of a grain of sand will have such speed as to be deadly. Modern ships' collision avoidance systems and Castillo's anti-meteor defenses will protect their respective occupants. Those who wish to observe the comet pieces colliding with Jupiter from its orbit will need to use caution; it is estimated that each collision will generate the explosive power of 10,000 hydrogen bombs. Brought to the public attention by Explorer Perseus **>> FROM THE CITY DESK A citizen of Fed was overheard breaking the Fed word-number usage restrictions as well as the legal limits of gibberish that civilians are allowed in one statement. The Fed Useless-verbage Police were subsequently forced to bind, gag and spank him as a result. The offending phrase was reported to be: "Now that cetainly is a virtuos responsibility Senator, however, when one extends the bounds of that authority to create intrigue, then it is a violation of oyurs as well as Fed's integrity!" Evidence offered against this under-handed attempt at platudicity included: "Huh?" 'D*rge scritches his head' and "too long a phrase for us" Another concerned witness wondered what the offender had been smoking and then asked if he could have some. And in a related story, Tellurain gets the Flying Fatuous Phrase Award for most obscure and hence, meaningless term used in the week by burdening our conversations with the etymon 'prestidigitation'. Whereupon, we offer the following docket of synonymous prolixity from which you may pick and choose prather with which to excoriate him at your convenience. You have your choice of legerdemain, jugglery, hocus-pocus and thaumaturgy. Then there are deception, deceit, duplicity and chicanery. You might prefer fraudulence, cozemange or double-dealing. And lastly, consider knavery and hanky-panky. (We would have listed monkey-business but that's a scary thought in juxtoposition with Tellurain.) **>> FROM THE EDITOR: Now I'm sorry to say, I have to object you good people to the Society News hag, Lulu. It's against my better judgment, but she's threatening to bring in the dog-meat group of sharks she calls her lawyers if I don't print her twaddle. It appears my little chickadee Herself opened the door to old hatchet-face and gave her a license to lord-it-up within these pages. So, nothin' to do but let her spew, but if I was you, I'd tear out the next section and line your marsrat cages with it. **>> FROM THE SOCIETY NEWS DESK -- by Lady Lulu 'Buffie' Capturfilingham Summer's felicity to each of you, darlings! Here we are, back from the Spring Season at the beach to bring you up-to-date on all the news regarding Fed's pleasure-seeking upper crust. Since our peerage is always a priority, we'd like to begin by lauding our own Lady Gemini who this week assumed the mantle of Duchesse. We're quite sure she'll make a lovely one too! Also in the top of the lists was Ramius who was this week welcomed to that august body, the Senate. Romance, always a favorite hobby among our dear elite, has been in fast play. Permission to wed was benevolently bestowed upon the Court Champion, Paladin by Duchesse Gemini after he sought said concession in the interest of wedding new Lady in Waiting, Mlle. Galena. We have received no word as yet regarding the couple's wedding party or appointments. On her second appearance within the nuptial spotlight is the capricious Talisan, who this week consented to wed the mysterious dark Count, Alucard after an impassioned confrontation in CD's that saw Mlle. Talisan refuse the suit of a relatively unknown and presumptuous little-known newcomer. Since this lady has been diligent over the past months in honing her theatrical talents, one can only suppose that she, in league with the flamboyant Count will put on quite a pageant. Mme. Mosquito was chosen to be Matron of Honor and Senator Tellurian will stand up as Best Man. Rumour has the wedding party being numerous and the lovely bride will be escorted down the aisle by M. Altasren, Esq. since he has (she avowed) always been such a father-figure to her. (We are not sure but seem to recall those sentiments expressed by this same bride in reference to Senator Tellurian during her previous engagement. How heart-warming it is that so many of our veteran gentlemen take such an interest in guiding and protecting the ladies while so young and impressionable.) Chances seem promising that the radiant Fed Songbird Gemini will lay aside her Ducal coronet for this ceremony long enough to serenade us with a selection from her impressive vocal repertoire. We have received no word yet from Mlle. Talisan on the wedding attire, but are waiting with anticipation to see if the fabled black lace sheath from the former betrothal will at long last have a chance to meet the light of day. That wraps up this week's Society News. Ta ta dearies! (We would just like to close with a word directed to our esteemed Lady Editor, Demi-Goddess. We abjectly protest the appointment to Guest Editor of such a slimy, nefarious, narrow-minded nitwit as W.C., to whom you have opened this heretofore respectable tabloid. We will not, repeat, WILL NOT work with such riff-raff. We don't HAVE to do this you know, being gentry and all, and we happen to know that Vanity Fed would jump at the chance to recruit a writer of the caliber that *****CENSORED BY ED.*****CENSORED BY ED.*****CENSORED BY ED.***** **>> FED HOROSCOPES -- by Spandex, the roving psychic Capricorn Many people do not have to lust after you to like and respect you:) Aquarius You can present your beauty and lustiness to others and gloat Picses You are sometimes afraid of being hurt too much Aries The elf is in the bedroon, or is it behind the bushes Taurus There is nothing worse than a sneak Gemini Life is a golden link to death, but it hangs by a thread Cancer Duality is never easy -- physically or emotionally Pegusarius Because you are afraid, you may not know how to accept love without biz and wild sex Leo Discreet planning suggests discreet observations Virgo You are impressing em with your wisdom and humor too:) Libra There are many men who do act very macho to cover for some feelings of inadequacies, but we are very soicalized and enculturated to do so Scorpio Love equals sexual urges Sagittarius Relationships are the most difficult part of humaness **>> THE SCANDAL SECTION -- by Newsdroid No.69 A vile and lascivious crime of passion was committed in Fed Dataspace early this week as Newbod Katrina went D-D following repeated assaults on her by a here-to-for esteemed and much-loved member of our Senate. Although seemingly amiable, there are hints that this Senator keeps a wilder side of his personae hidden and indeed, is presently keeping a poor woman as his 'love-slave'. It's rumored that he made his getaway through FedSpace in a white Bronco. Budwarp gets the coveted Stud of the Week Award after being seen having steamy trysts with both Dierdre and that winsome, yet studly Tantras (husband of Tellurain.) One has to wonder if Budwarp will get a room especially designed for him on the soon-to-link and sure-to-be-deadly Neemeesis Mini. Jainzar, man of many names and faces, took his newly-wedded wife's latest antics to heart and let her have a piece of his mind and apparently his boot as well. Reports say he's back in the saddle however, busy pursuing a new love-interest. The jury's still out as to whether he'll change his name again as well. On the courtship list is Devon, wooing the surviving ne Galdur sister Tellurani and having his way with Tabby as well while Shadow seems to be having an affair with Kathy's cat, Lady. Shadow's been seen repeatedly around Fed carrying the poor feline. It's suspected that he is being mentored by Occy. Paladin and Galena got engaged after trying to set a record for going at it in every spy-proof booth in space (or perhaps we should say UNDER every booth?) Well-wishing friends and family are hoping that they soon get the practicing done and graduate to the spyable booths. Runner-up for Stud of the Week goes to Gortek who managed to lure not one, but TWO of Fed's Squirettes to a certain spy-proof location for more than just shop-talk. It appears that after seeing Gortek's nigh-hypnotic effect on Talisan, the beribboned-beauty Rakshasa couldn't resist the urge to check out the attraction for herself. Gortek would have very likely stolen the Stud-award out of Budwarp's hands had it not been for his unfortunate tendency to bolt for the loo at inopportune moments. And on the topic of fervid rendezvous, CD's was the scene of a torrid threesome that included a Senator, Ueshiba and a recent beneficiary of the FedSpace Fund for the Reclamation of Fallen Women (who, considering the parties involved, should remain nameless.) It could be surmised that the egocentric Senator has taken it upon his (self-proclaimed) 'able' shoulders to mentor young Ueshiba in this area, thereby selflessly assuring a continued stream of talent to fuel an on-going run of the celebrated Fed Spy Theater. The Gold-digger of the Week award must go to Gortek who dipped his hands into the very-deep pockets of Tellurain to the tune of mega-megs. Considering the staggering amount of profit Gortek has realized on the transaction, one has to seriously wonder who has been playing with whom (and if either of them is playing with Topper.) And on that note, this humble newsdroid is now giving notice that hereafter, he will mak ea pint ot spik Gortekese an dis avilalbe to porvie keen insihts into palnets, plya ers, ex-slpouses or soiety a tany and every oppotuntiy, ya:) **>> VIEW FROM THE OBSERVATORY We'd like to offer a small portrait of Fed as seen through a collection of apprehended off-hand comments from her fair populace... Senatorial Observations "You know you're in trouble when half of Fed is on one channel and you're not!" Speculation "Maybe he should work on getting his INT raised higher than the average tunafish sandwich..." Praise for the Lower Ranks "I'm impressed... really I am... I'm not kidding... as someone who admires intelligence and scorns stupidity... this specimen is ASTOUNDING. I swear, I feel moved... I wanna hold a Telethon for this guy." And More Praise "Amazing... makes Gregan look like freakin' Einstein." Medical Advice "This one should not be allowed to operate heavy machinery, which in his case would range from bulldozers to ballpoint pens." CSS (Compulsive Spybeam Syndrome) "I really should go to bed... but I can't stop watching... it's like a motorist slowing down to view a grisly accident." Exploration "Of course I ate it and died." Fed TV "Hello, this is Marlon Gherkins for Chaotic Neutral of Omaha's Vile Kingdom... and today our cameras are trained on the Tiny-Brained Zipperhead. My assistant Jim will be following the Zipperhead as it scurries about in its little maze... don't worry folks, it isn't dangerous. Notice how the Zipperhead seems to be walking back and forth in a useless pattern... don't let that fool you, folks. It IS walking back and forth in a useless pattern!" On Marriage "It was kinda a shot of the moment type thing." On Love "Thanks for the mammaries" Fed Mythology "No Grasshopper... the winged Pegasus guards FED against morons by killing them before they reproduce... so would you please get in your ship and go SE of Titan?" **>> SPYNET REVIEW It's been a busy week in Fed; just look at all these promotions! The week's new Captains were Katrina, Tellurita, Airborne, Blade, Thor, Jonmonte, Ordomalleus, Bianca, Newguy, Brain, Geo, Reade, Frub and Hopper. Lazarus, Thor, Tim, Archangel, Tellurita, Janel and Geo made it to Adventurer or Adventureuse. The Traders Guild admitted Archangel, Trill, Mara and Thor. Gortek, Mara and Mira were promoted to Merchant. The Martian Ruins suffered under the ministrations of Ueshiba, Scrooge, Djmayhem, Mara and Romana, who all made JP. Cicero cracked the fiendish GM puzzle. Cicero and Drspock became Explorers. Kainaw and Alucard are now Squires. Tellurain got tired of being a Squire, and advanced his planet four times: he's now a Baron. Blackadder promoted to Thane. Gemini cracked the devilish Duke puzzle to become a Duchesse. You must now curtsey to her. Ramius was pushed up to Senator. The horrible Bree claimed two more victims. Adventurer Trashcanman and JP Djmayhem both went d-d on the most dangerous planet in the universe. **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed, Bella, Emmi, Mira, Tellurian or Tellurain in the game * a message to Hazed * send GEnie mail with the Mail about Federation option from the main menu A front-end terminal program is available for Federation, for the PC and Amiga. You can download a copy of FedTerm from the Federation official libraries (option 3 on the main Fed page). The third edition of the unexpurgated printed Idiot's Guide to Federation is now available, price $15.95. Type ORDER from any GEnie main menu and buy one. Or more! Federation has several categories in the MPGames RT. To get there, type M1045,1 from any menu prompt and SET category 13 (for information, instructions, questions and answers) or 14 (for general chat and discussions). The Federation Leader in the bulletin board is Oxcart (Mail ID: J.LONG29). There are also private categories for Explorers and the Sentate, run by Krell (Mail ID: K.HILLYER). The MPGames RT has a Federation player library in the files area, Lib 5. **>> BULLETIN ENDS