**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 95.02.11 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> Compiled by Hazed plus a team of specialist newsdroids **>> your news and gossip and get paid good groats! **>> NO NEWS IS DEFINITELY NOT GOOD NEWS! Many apologies for the late and somewhat unorthodox appearance of last week's news. As some of you know, Bella was away visiting the US for two weeks; she had planned to continue to put the news up each Sunday as usual, but hadn't banked on the problems she would have getting online as she moved around. Missing long-distance connections, bad weather, lost telephone cables, no access to downloading: these are just some of the problems that prevented her from putting the news up on time two weeks ago, and at all last week! For those who haven't yet read last week's news, we uploaded it into the Federation official library on page 220 on GEnie, and into the Fed database on Delphi. In both places, the file is called 950205.TXT. This week, the news is back to its normal position on the game menu, easily accessible to all. **>> FEDMEET NON-REPORT While in the US, Bella met a number of players at a Fed Meet. Newsdroids weren't invited to the meet (we didn't -*want*- to be there, anyway!) so we don't have a detailed report of what happened. However, Bella did talk to those assembled about various matters, as follows: It was agreed that there is currently an imbalance in the commodities needed for building facilities (both for Duke builds, naval base builds, and infrastructure) and those consumed by workthings. The imbalance is resulting in Galaxy-wide shortages of certain commodities. Tellurian volunteered to prepare a table showing all the commodities that are used for building and consumption, and Bella agreed to make adjustments to the requirements as soon as she receives the table. Barberousse raised the suggestion that rather than continuing to work on the Secret Senator Commands, the next code Bella should work on should be the Emperor election code. Bella indicated she was prepared to do this, but she wanted a large measure of agreement from the existing Senators before she did this. Barberousse agreed to organise a meeting of the Senators to discuss this. Another matter was not discussed directly at the get-together, but came up separately. The idea, which flows out of both the Emperor elections and the commodity discussions, is that Senators should be able to trade in futures. Linked to this is also the question of high-level players being able to set up their own banks. Bella feels that both of these ideas have a lot of possibility, but the case of banks is complex because it needs to be tied to both Senators and planet-owners. A lot of thought will have to go into these ideas to make sure they do not unbalance the Galactic economy as a whole. **>> PALACE PATTER Emperor-for-life Ming apparently has not been enjoying his title. No sooner had the Decree been read than invitations, gifts, and groveling subjects appeared to kiss his... curry his favor. Alas, the invitation from two illustrious Senators for a picnic in a lovely green knoll ended in a tragic drive-by shooting (although there were reports that there was a second gunman firing from an abandoned warehouse, but that is unconfirmed.) Fortunately, the Emperor-for-life and his party were insured. On a brighter note, congratulatory presents have been pouring into the palace. However, there was some dismay that a few of the gifts had been tampered with. A case of fine cigars from Epini were found to explode when lit. Two bottles of Valarian wine were tainted with belladona. Eire's offering to the Emperor included a box of cookies, which were thrown away unopened as they were accompanied by a personal note from a certain Technocrat hoping that the Emperor likes the new receipe. Fortunately, on all occasions, the Emperor-for-life was insured. **>> REMINDERS... If you're reading this in time, don't forget that Lyrynna will be hosting a Valentine's Trivia contest tonight (Sunday) at 6pm eastern in CDs. Come and show how much you know about romance, and the minutiae of Fed! We've got some special stuff lined up for Mardi Gras. Festivities start Friday night, February 24th, and continue through Fat Tuesday, on the 28th. More details in next week's news. Delphi and Cris players: don't forget you can now order yourself a copy of the printed version of the very wonderful Idiot's Guide to Federation by sending a check for $15.95 to: Leah Parker 4543 La Crescenta Avenue La Crescenta, CA 91214-2912 Remember to include your address with the order. **>> PEACE BREAKS OUT? Could it be that at long last Eire and Ulster will be joining forces? One of our ace investigative newsdroids followed Sean and Ciaran the other night into a friendly neighbourhood pub that looked a lot like McSorley's. Hiding behind a hatstand, the droid recorded the two as they imbibed a few pints of dark ale, and engaged in intense discussion, which the droid recorded. Alas, our poor droid was waylaid by the Irish Mafia as it left the pub. Mangled beyond all recognition, it managed to crawl back to the H-by-A office before it expired in front of Our Beloved Editrix's desk (spotting her clothes with oil and grease, much to her annoyance). We recovered the droids blackbox, but only three words were recognizable on the tape: the rest was drowned out by the mechanical squeals of terror, and the thud of large coshes on metal, as our poor intrepid reporter was panel-beaten into something resembling a piece of avant-garde statuary. The three words were: 'Marcia', 'Empress', and 'Good'. Make of this what you will! **>> ABSENTEE DUKES Names and particulars don't matter: but when we recently told a planet- owner that a problem they were having was something their Duke should have warned them about, they said they hadn't seen their Duke in ages. This leads us to wonder why they don't switch to a duchy where the Duke will take an active interest in the welfare of his underlings! **>> BREAKING NEWS Reports from the Imperial Palace indicate that Emperor-for-life Ming has a cold. **>> FACE TO FACE WITH THE CANDIDATES The Emperor Elections are fast approaching and favored status among the Senate has shifted like tides. During the past weeks, well-known holo personality, Bahba Wawa conducted a series of on-the-spot, unrehearsed interviews of Emperor hopefuls. From these conversations, the following expose was drawn in an attempt to bring you a candid glimpse of the person beneath the political facade of each of these consummate players who is hoping to garner the ultimate glory of Federation's first Emperor! A notable fact of this election is that the issues are as divergent as the personalities involved, ranging from the ethical interpretations of the limits of power to such basics as conjugal rights. And the old expression, 'the only thing constant is change itself' seems to be the dominant motif of the whole affair. Candidates have come and gone, and many's been the nocturnal, whispered conference between co-conspirators, backers, cabbages and would-be kings. One of the most intriguing queries of these interviews was 'which of youah opponents would you pwefer [prefer] to see finish in the lead, should you not pwevail?' [prevail] While Barberousse replied with a blunt "None!" to this, Topper announced he'd support Tellurian. However, it's interesting to note that at the time these words were expressed by Senator Topper, Tellurian had already withdrawn his bid for office and, in the next breath, Topper stated "I have no opponents, Bahba..." So, one could draw from this that upon this issue, candidates were generally in agreement, which is to say, all unanimously disagreed with anyone other than him or herself. (Now, is that perfectly clear?) Seriously though (did we really say 'serious' in the context of Fed?), on one topic candidates were, for the most part, in consensus, that being the controversial new Emperor prerogative of 'flog'. Those who have had occasion to witness its debut in the past weeks have seen it to be a vicious punishment, rumored to have been master-minded by Emperor candidate, Topper. Since its inception, denizens of Fed have mounted boycotts against it, as well as vociferous outcry from poor-person and powerful alike. Suffice it to say, the coming weeks until elections should prove interesting, and certain to entail turns and twists of plot impossible to foretell at the present point in time. We wonder, how one can fail to bring to mind a certain Chinese 'benediction', that being "May you live in interesting times"? Without further preamble, we take you now to the first of our candidates, Senator Barberousse, for his comments and viewpoints. Bahba: Ah... some of owah candidates nowah. Greetings Babawusse and hello Tewwurian. [[Barberousse laughs]] Topper: Amazing what a film crew will attract eh? [[Tellurian sits back in his Senatorial Chair and passes out stogies to all his compatriots]] [[Marcia grins and accepts it]] Bahba: Okay now... Toppah, what does being Empawah mean to you? Topper: I would like a joint interview with my esteemed colleagues. Bahba: Each won sepawately. Bahba: Toppah... Did you heaw my qwestion or awh you wefusing comment? Topper: Did you hear my response? Bahba: That you want a gwoup intahview? [[Topper nods]] Bahba: That's not my style. I'm best won on won. Topper: I didn't ask if it suited you. Bahba: Well, since it's my film cwew, I make those decisions. Topper: As you wish. Tellurian: What questions have you, Bahba? I'll answer any. Bahba: I'll get to you at another time Senatah Tewwuwian. Bahba: Bawbawusse? Would you gwant me an intahview? Barberousse: With plaesure. [[Bahba smiles and motions her crew over to Barberousse]] Bahba: Mawcia, I undahstand I need to add you to my list of intahviews. [[Marcia smiles at Bahba]] Marcia: Yes, I suppose you do. [[Bahba makes some notes to the effect of having her secredroid call Senator Marcia's secredroid later in the week]] [[Dierdre wonders if Occy is due in soon]] Tellurian: Bahba? I'll translate Occy for you, if needed. Topper: You may need multiple interpreters. [[Bahba smiles at Senator Tellurian and nods her thanks]] Bahba: Okay Bawbawusse... [[Tellurian grins and winks at Barbe]] Bahba: What does being Empawah mean to you? Barberousse: When I am one I will tell you. Bahba: Ah! Vewy politically cowwect answer! Barberousse: Right now it means a race. Bahba: Now then... with that in mind, what owiginally led you towant the title? Barberousse: Mostly my friends insistence. [[Tellurian grins at Barbe]] Bahba: Cayah to elabowate on which fwiends? [[Dierdre raises her hand]] Dierdre: Me and my Duke. [[Tellurian puffs lazily on his cigar and nods to Dierdre]] [[Topper looks shocked and asks, "Dierdre! You're not voting for me?!"]] [[Dierdre raises an eyebrow at Topper]] [[Topper looks innocent]] [[Tellurian coughs]] Barberousse: I consider everybody my friend, even those running against me. [[Bahba gives a politically correct smile to the camera, then to Barberousse]] [[Barberousse smiles (of course correctly)]] Bahba: Bawbawusse, do you think yowah the best choice fowah the job? Barberousse: I think my friends have a good perception of what they want in anemperor. Bahba: But what is yowah opinion? Barberousse: I would not be running if I thought that I was not worthy. Bahba: Vewy good! Now... we undahstand thewah will be new commands associated with this new position... Barberousse: We do. Bahba: Do you have in mind any suggestions that you'd like to see implemented? Barberousse: Yes, no flogging command. [[Tellurian nods to Barbe]] Topper: What? Bahba: I see. What other contwibutions to Fed would you seek to make, should you be ouwah fiwst Empawah? Barberousse: Depends on how far the emeperor powers extend. Bahba: So youwah refwaining fwom comment till mowah is known? Barberousse: I would use those powers to help further the FEDERATION. Bahba: Ah! Anothah politically cowwect answer. [[Barberousse smiles (of course correctly)]] Bahba: Bawbawusse, they say behind evahwy successful man theyah is a good woman. Do you have any thoughts regawding this? [[Topper coughs]] Barberousse: I always have toughts. [[Bahba notes the candidate's charming accent]] Barberousse: Merci. Bahba: Well then, will theyah be anyone at youah side if youwah Empawah? Barberousse: So far none have considered it. Topper: He's gonna be looking for a looooong time. [[Bahba smiles and motions the cameradroid to get a close-up of Barberousse]] [[Barberousse smiles (of course correctly)]] Bahba: Bawbawusse, if you don't win, which of youah opponents would you pwefah to see finish in the lead? Tellurian: Oooh. Tough question. [[Tellurian grins at Barbe]] Topper: She slipped in a zinger. Barberousse: None. Bahba: Ah.... well that was an honest if somewhat bwunt wesponse. Tellurian: Federation Politics tend to be that way, Bahba. Bahba: One last question Bawbawusse... Barberousse: Oui.. Bahba: Youah almost nevah heah these days. Is it twue youah condidacy is weally a fwont foah a secwet Twade Union whose leadah wants to contwol evahwebody in Fed? [[Topper shudders]] [[Tellurian blinks]] [[Bahba smiles smoothly]] Barberousse: Tell, mind tranlating this? Topper: She asked if Budwarp or Sean are really pulling your strings. Tellurian: She said... You're almost never here these days. Is it true your candidacy is really a front for a secret trade union whose leader wants to control everybody in Fed? [[Barberousse laughs]] [[Topper looks innocent]] [[Bahba wonders if innocent is politcally correct.]] [[Topper mutters and you think you catch..... 'my interpretation was more accurate']] [[Tellurian coughs]] Barberousse: Well my bill says the contrary in regards to time on. As for a secret anything, I sure would like to know about it. Bahba: Ah, vewy good! I'm assuming that was a negative then. Tellurian: Good answer. Topper: Vague is good. Tellurian: Yup, just ask Bella. Topper: Exactly. [[Topper laughs]] [[Barberousse smiles (correctly of course)]] [[Tellurian grins]] Topper. We all take lessons from Bella. Bahba: Bawbawusse, I thank you vewy much fowah youah time andgwaciousness! Barberousse: Bienvenue. Bahba: It's been a weal pleasah. Barberousse: Merci. **>> MORE BREAKING NEWS Reports from the Imperial Palace state that Emperor-for-life Ming had a very BAD cold. Fortunately, Ming was insured. **>> BID YOU, WELL! Auctions are not a new concept to Federation DataSpace. In fact, there have been many a famous auction. Those for the favors of a lovely lady, objects for stat points, factories for planets, slave girls, and even spaceships! But who would think a photograph would come up for the bidding? (Blackmail perhaps...but bidding?) It did, and the bidding was heated. The photograph in question was one of Caterpillar in a compromising position. Newsdroids were unable to obtain a glance to see just which position, but we can speculate that Cat was just knotted! The bidding went back and forth between Caterpillar and FastJack. What FastJack wanted the photo for, he would not comment on. Biddings were shouted back and forth until the amount escalated to 26 meg, made by Fastjack. When Caterpillar finally got around to seeing which photo was up for bids, it laughed and said "Ooo, thaT 1?" in which case Fastjack immediately withdrew his bid. Looks like blackmailing was the intended purpose of the picture! Caterpillar ended up paying out 25 meg for the photograph. It was determined to honor the rules of an auction. Who received the groats?? China's prodige in lepidoptery, Erica. She saw her opportunity and seized it with both hands. Way to go in earning a creative groat, Erica. **>> MOST RECENT BREAKING NEWS Emperor-for-life Ming is still alive. **>> TWO TO WED After much kissing, snogging, and giggling Benson popped the question to China. The much sought after China gave up the hopes of Jeb ever getting 6 gig to watch her and gave Benson a juicy yes. This sounds all beautiful and romantic, not a problem in the world. Such a new relationship could never go through the trials of jealousy. We know this to be flightless fantasies, for the engagement has not gone untouched by strong emotions. What set the fight that almost destroyed this storybook relationship? China's mood! It wasn't that she was cranky or even that she was a tyrant. It was the fact that she entered CDs (SS of the S) with the mood "Following her love". That shouldn't be bad in itself, but she followed Fastjack into the bar! After exchanging words, exchanging spit, and correcting China's mood, the wedding date was set. Benson and China will be married on the Moon. This will take place on February 18th. We hope the relationship doesn't fall into more tests and the couple is happily married. We plan to have newsdroids watching the couple for at least a month after they get hitched. Keep up the hard work you two! **>> NEWS FLASH!!! - EMPEROR-FOR-LIFE MING IMMORTAL!!! Breathing a sigh of relief that the health and well being of beloved Emperor-for-life Ming, is now assured, all Fed DataSpace rejoices that Goddess Bella has bestowed the ultimate gift upon her favorate worshipper... immortality. **>> STOOPID IS AS STOOPID DOES Oh joy, oh rapture! The newsdroids dance and sing, clapping their hands (or equivalent) with glee as they once again have something interesting to write about. Yes, Fed DataSpace is honoured by the presence of that rare breed, the Obnoxious NewBod. Fox is the name of this cherished species, who provides so much merriment and entertainment to everyone, especially to jaded newsdroids who can't think of anything interesting to write about. Fox specialises in annoying everyone. He doesn't discriminate on grounds of rank, he is just as happy to be rude to a Senator as he is to a Poor Person. This has lead to his insurance premium getting slightly inflated, as he's been gunned down several times. Indeed, he even managed to insult the demi-Goddess Hazed by calling her "Sir" after she stumped up the cash for an insurance premium that was beyond his means! (Anyone who doubts the sex of our beloved Editrix needs their eyes tested (or comes from some alien race that thinks that all humans look alike)). Having made rude comments to Erica, Fastjack (by request of many other players) went after Fox and blew him up a few times. But undeterred, Fox was last seen causing Tellurian to buy a fighting ship, bristling with weapons. Oh dear: we suspect another death is in the offing. On a related note: Fastjack is considering offering his services as a Bounty Hunter. He will levy charges on a sliding scale, based on the rank of the intended victim, and whether the contractor wishes the hunt to be to the death, or the dead-death (with the proviso that he will only kill someone d-d if everyone in Fed at the time requests it). His minimum charge will be 5 meg. However, he seemed a little reluctant to take on assignments against players of a higher rank than his... **>> GOSSIP, SCANDAL AND LIES Scrooge and Helena have been steaming up the spybeams with their... erm... activities. I think one could say they are now an item. We've been told that Bgg has officially dissolved his harem. What, he's dropped them in a glass of water or something? **>> PLANETS AND DUCHIES It's been all quiet on the planet and duchy front. After the recent rush of new planets, there were no additions this week. We sent our explorerdroid to take a look at Forest and Dark, which were linked towards the end of last week. Its review is below. Barons are still frantically building, but we don't know who is likely to be in a position to take the trip to Horsell first. We assume that nobody is actually going to have to do anything as hard as try to solve the Duke puzzle on their own - game politics being as they are at the moment, Senators and Dukes are sure to be handing out the solutions to their allies. In case you can't spot the sarcasm here: no, we don't approve of this, particularly when the Senators likely to hand out the answers to their proteges are the ones who have been complaining bitterly about JP and GM puzzle secrets being given away. But all's fair in love and polics, isn't it? **>> FRUSTRATION STRIKES As promised, our explorerdroid went to check out the two planets that linked at the end of last week, and promptly ran across a series of problems. Dark has movement table errors, trapping anyone who goes north of the LP. As soon as the problems are fixed, we'll go check it out again. And Forest, while it has very evocative location descriptions, is a very difficult planet to get anywhere on. There is a maze right off the LP, and it's extremely dangerous. When you do find an object or mobile, most of the time the name is not obvious, and you can't EXamine or GET them. Reminder to building Explorers: For mobiles that do not move, and for objects, unless you give a REALLY good hint in the description (the 80 character description in the workbench), it will be very difficult for anyone to do anything with these items. This leads to frustration, and your visitor will go elsewhere. PS to this report: we understand that Erica has solved Forest's puzzle and gained the reward: but she died 24 times in so doing. We hope the reward covered her insurance!! **>> CRITTER UPDATE The flurry of new planets has made the list posted a few weeks ago slightly out of date. Here are a few more additions to the list. System Planet LP loc Ex loc ExDir Bar Loc Cafe Cafe 2 * 4 * S 23 Tyr Tyr 6 * 17 PLANET 11 Esquire Esquire 2 * 6 * E 3 Nexus Nexus 5 3 W 4 Opera Opera 5 3 * E 1 Hedonist Hedon 3 * 4 * E 15 Greenvale Forest 2 3 * D 3 Dark Dark 5 * 3 * S 5 **>> SPYNET REVIEW Welcome to all our new players, and congratulations to those who were promoted during the last week. The new Captains were Pyke, Grannie, Calypso, Rockin, Greyspirit, Legion, Arjuna, Barty, Harry, Foureyes, Hanz, Joker and Samantha. Poohbah, Wildstar, Ukla, Pyke, Legion, Dirkcrasher and Greyspirit have made it to Adventurer. The Traders Guild has accepted Conman and Chicago as members. Adrianna, Waldo and Varian were promoted to Merchant. The awesome JP puzzle was solved by Kainaw and Helena. Alf cracked the fiendist GM puzzle and then moved on to become an Explorer. **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. The current Federation Party Hosts are: Mira, Redqueen, Caterpillar, Lyrynna, Gazoo and Grannie. Their function is to answer questions, help new players get started, and make fun things happen. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed or one of the Party Hosts in the game * a message to Hazed * send mail on your host system to the Federation team: on GEnie, mail FEDII.2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Delphi, mail FED2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Cris, mail FEDERATION2 **>> BULLETIN ENDS