**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 95.04.30 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> Compiled by Hazed plus a team of specialist newsdroids **>> your news and gossip and get paid good groats! **>> TRIVIA - TRIVIA - TRIVIA Next Sunday night is trivia night in Fed! G'Hostess Lyrynna will be taxing your brains and testing your knowledge of Fed-related facts, with groats as prizes for the winners. That's Sunday May 7 at 7.00pm eastern. Win groats, and the admiration of your friends! **>> REGULAR EVENTS Regular events in Fed are as follows: Every Wednesday: Tea and Questions with Freya. Time and venue will vary. 1st Sunday of each month: Lyrynna's Trivia. 3rd Sunday of each month: Training Schools covering a variety of subjects. If you have any ideas for more regular events you'd like to see in Fed, have a word with Hazed or one of the Game Hosts, or sendmail Hazed. **>> SPY-PROOF ROOMS We regularly get questions about spy-proof rooms from all kinds of players. Here's the scoop on them! There is just one spy-proof room in Fed DataSpace. It's on Surfer's planet, and it is The Ritz bar location. There is no spy-proof room anywhere in Sol space. But if anyone gets timewarped to Horsell, you won't be able to spy on them because the chrono field damps out the spybeam. Surfer paid an enormous amount of money for the spy-proof Ritz, and while it's in the game no other player-planet can have one. If Surfer ever promotes to Duke, or dies, and his planet vanishes then an auction will be held and the highest bidder will get a spy-proof room on their planet. But the reserved bid will be very, very high. **>> ZATURNIAN ZICKNEZZ! Uh oh... if there's one thing more unpredictable than a Zat..., er, Saturnian Spy, it's a SICK Saturnian Spy! Zzzax materialized earlier this week complaining of contracting a disease unknown to Saturnians... the dreaded COLD. After complaining about the cold and how "it waz an evil plan to bring ze Zaturnian Empire to itz kneez", he asked for a remedy to get rid of the cold. Baron Dirge, passing through, suggested suicide. Ambassador Zzzax thought this was an excellent idea; that way, his cold-infested body would be no more, but his new one, waiting in clone storage, would be just fine. Of course, Zzzax couldn't just kill himself, because that's not the Zatur... SATURNIAN way. So, he got in his ship and flew north of Mars, inviting people to come blow him up. Zolak rose to the challenge and fired some well-placed shots. This, of course, attracted everyone's favorite space-virus, Cryptosporidium! The next thing everyone knew, Zolak was running for his life, leaving Cryptosporidium to finish off the job and blow Zzzax out of ze zkiez. Tellurian pouted for a bit because he didn't get to shoot Zzzax down, but he settled for blasting Admiral from the skies and knocking sizable chunks out of Zolak's and Sparky's ships when the two took his challenge to claim Tellurian's sizable reward. Meanwhile, Zzzax waz dizcovering zat ze viruz had invaded hiz clonebankz and he ztill had hiz cold! He finally decided zat he couldn't fight ze viruz and would get back by zabotaging ze Newzdroid azzigned to cover ze ztory... Hazzzed vowz revengz az zoon az zhe can zap ze viruzzzzzzzzzzzz... **>> CRIME OF PASSION! There's been an outbreak of snog-n-run attacks in Fed DataSpace. Innocent men are being set upon by Senator Marcia, who unexpectedly snogs them and then vanishes. It's not so much the snogging that upsets the victims... it's the fact that she won't stay around to follow through! **>> FREAK FREAKS OUT, BOND BOUND - DEATH AND SUICIDE ON TRILIGHT By Arthur Eire It doesn't take much to attract innocent Fedders into death traps, and such impetus was provided by none other than Erica who on Sunday night, as the Easter Season reached it's climax, announced a 20 million groat prize to the first person who solved her puzzle on Trilight. Several people leapt to the challenge, each determined to win the great prize. Few returned with their insurance intact. Freak led the way, heading into the east of Trilight where, among the ruins, he spied a trail leading to a perilous forest. Upon entering it, he panicked. His plaintive cries where heard on everyone's coms as he offered money, favors, and his body for sexual pleasure should anybody come to save him. Regrettably, he was in a place that no one could reach, as it might have been interesting to see what he would have been required to do. Bond in the meantime, was trying to assist Freak, but was trapped in a very deep hole in the north of the planet trying to figure out what he was to insert into a small hole at the top of three columns. Freak, in a final despairing act, killed himself. Bond, upon hearing the news, expressed shock and surprise. Careful investigations revealed that there was a deadly forest with a hiker who would lead people to their doom. Several news droids and naive stringers were lost in the initial investigation and consequently, it was not a financial option for Fed News to fully explore the forest. Nevertheless, the high fatality rate suggests that perhaps Erica should have to answer to the Senate for failing to establish proper security around the place. Especially in light of the fact that passes to the restricted area, in which the forest is located, can easily be found just lying upon the ground. At the time of this article's writing, it is unknown how many more people have perished in that forest, though rumors have suggested at least three. This is Arthur Eire, your Fed news correspondent, signing off. **>> FROM YOUR SOCIAL REPORTER Edited by Arthur Eire It was a slow night for a Monday, but romance was in the air. There were engagements being discretely discussed and new love blooming. And then Bgg called over the com and wanted to know which Babes were not attached. Babes? Oh come now. Surely there is a better way to refer to the female of the species. Granted, in today's 'liberated' environment we cannot refer to them as the 'gentle sex' or 'the better half' or even perhaps as 'that gender with the expanded mammalian protuberances' (clearly a dry scientific description if there ever was one). But let us remember that words mean things. Babe denotes a description based upon sexual availability. You take a lady to dinner, or engage in scintillating conversation with her. A babe you take to the back seat of your car, or bed. Clearly there is more to a woman than just sexual accessibility for the male of the species. And Fed, according to many reports, is one of the most gender balanced places in the net. Here is where women have clearly come into their own. They are in the highest levels of government, creators of clever and innovative planets, and skilled at making their way throughout Fed DataSpace. Even those women, who have behaved in a manner that suggests that they could be safely titled 'babe', have proven somewhat cleverer than most men would normally suspect. And if you will forgive me for philosophizing for a moment, I suspect that much of this can be laid at the feet of the sexual revolution. The sexual revolution told us that we should not suppress our sexual cravings, for they were perfectly natural. Granted, but we were then told to completely submit to these 'natural' cravings. As a consequence, when the male of the species develops a craving, every woman in sight that is attractive to him suddenly becomes "A Babe". And women are not dumb. More than one of the 'babes' in Fed is actually engaged in manipulating the men of the species. Thus instead of an aura of mutual assistance, we have an aura of mutual manipulation. Thus I am issuing a clarion call! Men of Fed, control your impulses! Learn discipline! While you may initially regard this with the same esteem that you would normally apply to the bathing of the wife's pet cat, I can assure you that you will not be disappointed. For you will discover that the female of the species has a brain and some very clever ideas. And two brains working together are far better than one. This is Arthur Eire, your Fed news correspondent, signing off. **>> QUOTE OF THE WEEK From Ukla: 'I thought Fed was a vacation from real life'. **>> INSANITY IN GOVERNMENT? - INVESTIGATION DEMANDED In our belief, Tellurain has been behaving in a manner not considered fit for the role of Senator. According to our sources, Tellurain seems to possess the delusion that he was engaged to Adventurer Bond and is now threatening violence to the same Bond for dropping the alleged engagement. Bond is at a complete loss to explain the Senator's behavior. Bond was in possession of the diamond at the time and offered it to anyone who might wish to use it. Tellurain took it and promptly began, in Bond's words, "to behave in a dreadful manner, acting as if we were engaged." Bond made an effort to discourage the Senator in a manner appropriate to the respect due to such a high office. Tellurain, according to witnesses, flew into a rage and used innuendos that could not be regarded as flattering to Bond. Clearly an investigation is in order, and we at the Fed News Service wish to be the first to announce the clarion call to the Emperor to bring this matter to his full attention. This is Arthur Eire, your Fed news correspondent, signing off. **>> GREYBEARD EXPRESSES LATENT DEATH WISH It was a calm night for a Monday. Then Greybeard, that dashing gentleman of the Fed, announced the following over the Com: "Afk" he said. There was a brief moment of silence before the full reality of what he had just done became apparent to all. It was as if the entire population of Fed DataSpace had taken a collective breath, fearing the worst, which was shortly to come. "Did someone say AFK over the comms?" queried the soft- and cold-voiced Tellurian. "My My My!" The matter had become sinister. "GB! You fool!" screamed Chance desperately. His cries of anguish rent the airwaves and screens of the Fed. "You want my hunting knife Tell?" came Wildstar's cold and cruel whisper. "Don't need one," laughed Tell with a wicked grin. "Are they going to gut him or what?" silently pondered Aren, who was still musing over his own wife's death. And the seconds ticked by with the speed of hours before Greybeard's voice was once more heard over the Comms. "Back," he said. It was clear that he remained completely oblivious to what had just happened. The voices of Tell and Wildstar were no longer heard. But the consequences of their statements left a lasting impression. But what of Greybeard? What are his feelings? According to Ukla, who was there when Greybeard was informed of the event, he had no reaction. This is equally disturbing. Does Greybeard really appreciate the viciousness of his enemies? Or does he just not care? Either way, one can not help but wonder if Greybeard simply has no fear, or secretly is looking to die. This is your Fed News Correspondent, Arthur Eire, Signing off. **>> UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER Strangeness abounds in FED, but even our newsdroid was surprised (although only slightly) when Aren took to space and shot down his own beloved wife, Erica, this past week. It seems that Erica, in a bold attempt to win groats, challenged Nightstalker to a duel. If she won she would get 1 Gig from Nightstalker, if he won, he would be entitled to her services for the night. But the Senator wouldn't fight, and Erica taunted him for cowardice, burning the comms with scorn. Finally, Jacko offered 100,000 groats to the first person to shoot Erica down (presumably to shut her up). Aren, ever obliging and never backward to earn a groat himself, went to Saturn, called his unsuspecting wife to his side... and shot her down. After disciplining his offending wife, Aren offered a bent and used wedding band to anyone who wanted it, along with a request for recommendation of a good divorce lawyer. We don't recommend lawyers for any purposes other than shark-bait, but, if someone wants to get rid of a spouse, several methods have been used in the past. Dissolutions have been granted by the Duke of the system the couple was married in, by the owner of the planet the couple was married on, and by decree of whomever officiated at the couple's wedding. And, going d-d ends a marriage, but we think that's a bit drastic. Divorces are usually announced in the News, of course, so that everyone else will know that person is out of the relationship and that he or she is available to be openly pursued so that we can all watch and be amused. **>> MORE RELATIONSHIP NEWS Speaking of divorces: Anais is in a sorry state. She's lost her husband! Quite careless of her, but he just hasn't been seen since their wedding a month ago. She didn't even get a wedding night and the marriage is still uncomsumated! Now she is giving him one more week. If he doesn't show up by then, she's open to offers. All those gents wishing to relieve the poor girl of her virginity, please form an orderly queue around the block... Spacesinger lost his wife, too. Goddess vanished without trace leaving SS very frustrated. He appealed to the public for help, wondering if anyone had seen his lost spouse and could return her to him. Luckily, Snookums was able to put the poor chap out of his misery and relieve his tension... by finding Goddess and handing her over! Chicago and Snookums seem to be something of an item. Ukla and Helena have also been seen together - but then, Helena's been seen with just about every Fed man, presumably using her face to launch their ships. Finally, Monday May 1 is wedding day for Freya and Prospero. Please join them at the ceremony in the Church on the moon, at 9.00pm eastern. **>> PLANETS AND DUCHIES There are no new planets this week - well, there are some new-old ones, as two people came back from the dead! China's Satin is back in because she's made it back to Squire. It's the same planet as before, so nothing new to report. Ciaran's Ulster is also back, as a mini-planet - Ciaran is so desparate to get his lost teleporter back he's concentrating on his builds rather than making his planet attractive to tourists. Ciaran's Ulster has joined Zagmar's Valaria, while China's Satin has allied with Budwarp's Epini. Meanwhile, Sparta and Kama have both left Amigan's duchy of Athens and moved to Aja's Sphinx. Devon's Tanarith has advanced to become a mining planet, Silas' Silo is now industrial, and Aren's Naug has upgraded to a leisure world. Chicago's City and Spacesinger's Block are now fit for inspection, so we sent our explorer droid to take a look. See the reviews below. **>> CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK Spacesinger's planet, Block, is finally ready for inspection. He has a puzzle on the planet and is offering a reward to the first three people to solve the puzzle. To prove you've solved it, you have to get to the credits, and tell him who gets thanked and how their names are spelt. Our explorer droid didn't get as far as the credits so can't claim the prize, but it did have a lot of fun looking around Block. The planet is an unusual one, in that it's not a globe, or even a flat disc: it's a cube, with six suns in geosynchronous orbit, one for each face of the cube. This gives you some idea what to expect on Block. Expect the unexpected! The planet is populated by wizards and magic crackles in the air. The spelling used by the natives is idiosyncratic, giving the place a certain Olde Worlde charme. South of the landing pad is the town square (or Towne Sqayr) and you are well advised to keep hold of your belongings, because the natives don't seem too honest. The Spam Barre and Grylle offers a little peace from the hustle and bustle, although the over-friendly vegetation can make your stay longer than you anticipated. Heading out from the square leads... well, we don't want to give anything away, but we will say, if you have time, go the long way round! Spacesinger's planet is fun, it's been written with a great deal of humour and we thoroughly recommend it. You'll enjoy exploring it. **>> THE BIG CITY Chicago's planet, City, also has a quest in which you have to retrieve some of Chicago's belongings by acting as a Captain in the local police force. As the name suggests, the planet is a metropolis and your quest will take you all over the city. Our explorer droid had only started to explore when it was the victim of a false arrest and was thrown into jail! A call to a lawyer soon got the misunderstanding straightened out and it was able to go free. But it decided it wasn't cut out to be an officer of the law, so has left the quest for someone else to solve. **>> SPYNET REVIEW Merchant Freak has gone d-d for reasons unknown... although the review showed his reward increasing rapidly just before his demise! The new Captains this week were Zeb, Foraker, Darling and Soolaimon. Hallo, Phalanx, Ringo and Jacko were promoted to Adventurer. The Traders Guild admitted Klatu and Ringo to its membership rolls. Hannah and Instill became Merchants. Ciaran made it back to the planet-owning levels and zoomed through the ranks from Squire to Baron. China also became a Squire as her planet returned. Devon became a Thane by advancing his planet, Silas became an Industrialist, and Aren is now a Baren... erm.. Baron. **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. The current Federation Game Hosts are: Freya, Phoenix, Chrysalis, Lyrynna, Grannie, Sparky and Zzzax. Their function is to answer questions, help new players get started, and make fun things happen. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed or one of the Game Hosts in the game * a message to Hazed * send mail on your host system to the Federation team: on GEnie, mail FEDII.2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Delphi, mail FED2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Cris, mail FEDERATION2 You can buy a copy of the very excellent Idiot's Guide to Federation for the paltry sum of $15.95. On GEnie, type ORDER from any main menu page. On Delphi and Cris, send a check for $15.95 to: Leah Parker, 4543 La Crescenta Avenue, La Crescenta, CA 91214-2912. **>> BULLETIN ENDS