**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 95.10.15 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> Compiled by Hazed plus a team of specialist newsdroids **>> your news and gossip and get paid good groats! **>> NEW WORKBENCH LIMITS A reminder to those designing planets - or indeed to existing POs considering a face lift... the size limits for your planet have been increased, but the limits are now enforced by the workbench, and once you've used up your quota you won't be allowed to write any more. The new limits are 120 locations, 14 objects/mobiles, and 25 events. However, don't feel you have to use all 120 locations... a large planet doesn't necessarily mean an interesting one. It's better to work on a smaller planet to make it outstanding. **>> LEARN HOW TO RUN A PLANET'S ECONOMY You don't have to be an expert in advanced economics to advance in Federation, the adult space fantasy... but you do need a thorough understanding of the way planetary exchanges work, in order to run your planet successfully. Balancing your desire to make a huge profit with the needs of your population, and still making sure the planet offers a good deal for independent traders, can be a tricky business. It's more an art than a science, and there are many strategies you can use to run a good planet. So come to our Fed Training School tonight, Sunday October 15th, which is all about planetary economics. You'll learn the basic commands to manage your exchange, and some of the strategies you can use to maximise profit. The school is at 9.00pm eastern. **>> DRINK YOUR WAY AROUND THE GALAXY... Of all the bars, on all the planets in the Galaxy... which one shall we visit next? Every fourth Sunday of the month, players in Federation, the adult space fantasy, set out on a pub crawl to visit bars on different planets around the Galaxy. It's a chance to drink in a wide variety of watering holes on planets designed and built by the other players. Join Grannie on Sunday, October 24th, at 9.00pm eastern, in Chez Diesel, the Social Center of the Solar System, for this month's Pub Crawl round the Galaxy. **>> RUMORS AND MORE RUMORS OF THE RETURN OF ZIPPY Fed denizens were both titillated and terrified at the news that Zippy would be returning to Fed heavens as a Duchy Capital and Interstellar link. Duke Occy was heard openly advertising over comms earlier this week, saying 'that because Zippy IS BACK' However, he was immediately contradicted by Ambazzador Zzzax, as that Zaturnian stated, 'No, it'z ztill offline.' To which Baroness Dierdre added, "And here I thought it was unzipped!" However, later it was confirmed that Zippy was back and Duke Occy was seen seeking advice from many sources on planetary acquisition tactics. On one occasion, he asked 'what planets do I need to make a good Duchy?' To which Jordan replied, 'Class M is always good.' Jordan went on, saying 'Helpful hint: Planets that have just undergone a global thermonuclear war are probably bad choices for membership.' Budwarp suggested, 'take all the closed ones!' **>> CHAOTIC NEUTRAL OF OMAHA'S VILE KINGDOM Hello, this is Marlon Gherkins for Chaotic Neutral of Omaha's Vile Kingdom. Today our cameras are trained on a new Duchy capital, Zippy the blue star planet that you have ever seen there are sparks shooting out in all directionss. My assistant Jim will be walking down a gold studded road so named because it is gold studded in the black granet. Don't worry folks, it isn't dangerous - notice that the cleaning droids must keep it spoltlessly clean because it is shiney gold and no scorch marks areon the blakc granite surface. Event the gold specks show through the black shine! Jim? Are you down there Jim? Yes Marlon! I'm down here and I am indeed walking down the gold studded road which goes to the north from here the old exhcnage is borded up but it was to the east and disco occy is to the west. I'll just go on over to the old exchange... walking over now... And here we are! The walls are Platinum here. well there were once but someone stole them. there were plenty of videoit screens here no wonder Zipopy made so much money. That sounds good Jim. Can you make out the disco, Jim? Here we are... Disco Occy. This is the Place that all in all universities come to for a good time. Once can even beleive the lazer scihizophrenia going everhywhere; from the bar to the dance floor! Even the dance floor has lazers shooting from to make you have feel at home. Yes folks... there it is, get a good look! Now Jim will make his way on down the gold studded road so named because it is gold studded in the black granet. Now he seems to be standing outside a dump of some kind. Is that a dump Jim...? Can you get in and show the folks at home? I'm in Marlon and as you can see, it's quite a place! I'm here in the planets dump you wonder where that smell is coming from. It remindes of of a dead animal. Many of things have barfed their guts out here. Well, you should get out of there soon then Jim. Show our viewers that big store west of you, would you? Okay Marlon! I'm walking across the gold studded road so named because it is gold studded in the black granet. Now I'm entereing a Big Shop. Oops everything else for sale is in here because thats where it is Thank you Jim. We've run out of time so you'd better get on back down the gold studded road so named because it is gold studded in the black granet. Thank you for being with us folks, for another episode of Chaotic Neutral of Omaha's Vile Kingdom! **>> FROM THE POLICE DESK Fed saw many arrests this week. Topping the list was Ambazzador Zzzax, on charges of Imp-trodding. It seems the Zaturnian was caught red- handed erm footed with his foot-equivalent planted squarely atop the struggling Game Pest. As she beat her little wings helplessly against his equivalent to a foot and waved her blood-stained fork in the air, Zzzax was reported to have said nonchalantly, 'I'm glad I'm indeztructible!' Also hauled into the precinct during recent days was Fed newbod, Captain Delitta. Although the charges against her are unclear, it has been affirmed that she is filing action against the Drug Squad, claiming police brutality. Large 8" X 10" glossy, black and white photographs showing her black and blue bum have been submitted as evidence. Her lawyers have hinted that she'll sue for megagroats! Jordan was arrested during the week on charges of turning Trafalgar into a French poodle. It's not been ascertained whether his new spouse, Kirchansky prefers him as a lap dog or not. Lastly, Duke Chance was brought before the magistrate for inhumanely attacking a helpless refrigerator with sharp objects. Although he's been pronounced guilty as charged, sentencing for the brutality hasn't been determined yet. **>> GAME HOST/HOSTESS/HOZT QUOTE OF THE WEEK >'We've decided to let Ox have bathroom sex with avocadoes,' says Lyrynna. **>> DUKES CONFER ON DUCHY POLICY When it was discovered that there was a Summit conference occurring among the Ducal leaders this week, the Fed Newsroom hastily dispatched an experienced newsdroid to obtain a transcript of the policy-setting exchange. Unfortunately, Duke Chance was unable to be there, still being held prisoner on charges of appliance molestation. Duchesse Aja was reportedly IN Fed Dataspace at the time. However, it seems pressing matters kept her sequestered in some bar, so she was unable to participate in the discussions as well. Without more preamble, here is a rare glimpse of our leaders in action: >Your comms unit crackles with a message from Budwarp, ::hoards all the cookies::' >Your comms unit crackles with a message from Occy, 'don't take my cookies!!!' >Your comms unit crackles with a message from Budwarp, "My Cookies!!!!! Mine mine mine !!!!' An insightful comment was garnered afterwards from Baroness Dierdre, as she exclaimed, 'Eeeep! It's the cookie monster!' It's unclear if she was saying this from an informed point of reference, or if her assertion was meant to convey that in her opinion, the Duke is suffering from demonic possession. However, the argument was deftly counterpointed by Trader Jordan, with his statement, 'Better than the Nookie Monster, I'd guess.' **>> FEDERATION INVADED BY BEARDS Yes, we're being trampled and overrun by an invasion of beards! First, we saw Barberousse, who distinguished himself by joining the ranks of our Senate after a long, popular reign. Then Greybeard appeared on Fed's doorstep, steadily moving up to become a planet owner. Unfortunately, that's when the floodgates burst. Next came Redbeard, then Redb, and now finally Bluebeard. We have to wonder where it will end?! Will we have Mauvebeard soon, flying about space in a mauve ship with Laura Ashley border paper tastefully applied in strategic places? Or perhaps Chartreusebeard? Ambazzador Zzzax was stopped as he left police headquarters and asked to comment on this beardly invasion. He told us, "Chartreuzebeard, eh? Now, THAT'Z a way to azzure that you don't get many tight beamz!' **>>BAR REVIEW This review is an excerpt from 'The Milky Way on 30 Groats a Day, Volume 1': CHEZ DIESEL 'The Social Centre of the Solar System' it boastfully calls itself. And indeed it may very well be, at least for the upper crust of society. Chez Diesel occupies the second story of a tastefully renovated building in the northern district of Marsport. A strict dress code is enforced, but convenient access to Tux Deluxe (a local shop frequented by those who want to dress for success) aids those who are turned away for lack of suitable attire. The bar is decorated in an understated fashion that creates a friendly atmosphere but leaves the focus clearly on one's drinking companions. Over the years the bar has accumulated an eclectic assortment of furnishings. There are, of course, several stools at the wood-paneled bar (genuine synthetic mahogany!) and several large tables are scattered about the room, allowing patrons to have their choice of brightly lit spaces or dimly lit corners. There are private booths in the back for those of a more reclusive nature and comfy chairs well- suited for lounging and flouncing in. Despite allegations of watered-down drinks, Diesel's beverages are of a generally high quality and the variety available is astounding. The bar has a well stocked wine cellar and the bartenders are capable of mixing nearly any drink imaginable, from a screaming orgasm to a Sirius sundown. Diesel stocks whiskey from over 50 star systems and more than 80 varieties of brandy, including the fabled and hard to find Rigellian brandy. Although the menu is somewhat limited, the food is of above average quality. The service is fast and efficient. The bar is still overseen by its owner, the fearsome Diesel. It is rumored that Diesel hails from a star system beyond the edges of our galaxy, having wandered far and wide before opening her bar on Mars. Diesel has indicated that she is female, although since no other member of her race has ever been encountered, it is impossible to tell whether they have the same gender distinctions that we do. Diesel's reputed sexual predilections further cloud the issue. Diesel's hobbies include counting her groats and baseball. Entertainment is provided by a four-armed Arcturian pianist. His stirring chords have been known to move the most cold-hearted listener to tears. During his breaks, customers are invited to step up and take their turn tickling the ivory. In keeping with its status as the cultural Mecca of the known universe, the regulars of Chez Diesel are a relatively well-behaved group. Although rumor has it that this bar was once a veritable hole of iniquity, nowadays the crowd rarely gets rowdy. On the few occasions that things get out of hand, Diesel herself steps in to deal with unruly patrons. Overall, Chez Diesel is a wonderful place to go for diverting company and a chance to occasionally rub elbows with the upper echelons of society. Our rating: * * * * **>> NEWFLASH...THIS JUST IN! Never trust a Zaturnina! Zzzax and the Zaturnianz have ztolen Occy'z manzion! When our newsdroid cornered the Ambazzador to find out a motive, he laughed inzanely and ranted, 'Becauze zey zought zat Zippy waz a cool name!' Ooooh, the zhame of it all! **>> SPYNET REVIEW Alas, poor JP Redb. He's gone d-d by his own hand. RIP. Congratulations to everyone who was promoted during the week. The new Captains were Firewalker, Jordan, Naomi, Neko, Tigger, Han, Groatmiser and Delitta. Euon, Pooh, Chuck, Neko, Zaknafein, Tigger, Sailor, Jordon, Firewalker and Diletta were promoted to Adventurer or Adventureuse. The Traders Guild admitted Capt, Pooh, Fallon, Jordon, Zaknafein, Big, Apocalypse and Sailor to its ranks. Fallon, Pooh, Randyith, Capt, Big and Lorelei made it to Merchant. Draco is now an Industrialist, having advanced his planet Absolom. **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. The current Federation Game Hosts are: Freya, Porcupine, Lyrynna, Grannie, Sparky, Zzzax, Geezer, Magneto, Syfari and Goblin. Their function is to answer questions, help new players get started, and make fun things happen. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed or one of the Game Hosts in the game * a message to Hazed * send mail on your host system to the Federation team: on GEnie, mail FEDII.2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Delphi, mail FED2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Cris, mail FEDERATION2 You can buy a copy of the very excellent Idiot's Guide to Federation for the paltry sum of $15.95. On GEnie, type ORDER from any main menu page. On Delphi and Cris, send a check for $15.95 to: Leah Parker, 4543 La Crescenta Avenue, La Crescenta, CA 91214-2912. **>> BULLETIN ENDS