**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 95.10.22 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> Compiled by Hazed plus a team of specialist newsdroids **>> your news and gossip and get paid good groats! **>> PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS... There continue to be assorted wierd things going on with factories, mostly to do with what happens to them when the planet they are on gets closed for business. The TechDroid will be sorting out all these problems by changing the way the game loads factories. Right now, factories are loaded in and out of memory when they start and stop running. The plan is to change this so that factories are always present in the game, even if they are not actually operating. After all, even if the workthings knock off for the day, the building or mine or whatever stays where it is! Apart from technical issues, this will have two main consequences as far as players are concerned. It will mean planet owners can see a list of all the factories build on their planet, not just the ones that happen to be running; everyone else will get an abbreviated list telling them how many factories of a particular type are on the planet. And it means that you will be able to set up factory pipelines to other player's factories even if the destination factory is not actually running. More details on this next week. **>> DRINK YOUR WAY AROUND THE GALAXY... Of all the bars, on all the planets in the Galaxy... which one shall we visit next? Join Grannie tonight for a pub crawl to visit bars on different planets around the Galaxy. It's your chance to drink in a wide variety of watering holes on planets designed and built by the other players. The bar hop starts at 9.00pm eastern tonight, October 22nd! **>> TEA AND QUESTIONS WITH GRANNIE This week, Grannie will be holding a Tea and Questions session on Thursday evening at 9.00pm eastern. Come along to talk to the old lady of Fed. **>> WANT TO COME TO THE BEST PARTY IN THE GALAXY? It's Party Time in Federation, the adult space fantasy multi-player game. Every Sunday in Fed there's a special event going on... and in those months when there are five Sundays, the fifth is always PARTY NIGHT! It's your chance to forget about the hard work of hauling cargo or trading goods, to let your hair down - or put it up - and just have some fun. Join us on Sunday, October 29th, at 9.00pm eastern, in Chez Diesel, the Social Center of the Solar System, for the best party in the Galaxy. **>> COMMENTARY We live in a time wherein people seem to be going to great lengths in their endeavors to become difficult. Is it the moon? Is it a backlash to political correctness? Whatever the cause, it's noticeable that almost everyone can play this game with precious little effort. It might not make you popular if you do... in fact, it might get you killed repeatedly. Nevertheless, in this day and age of a plethora of 'how-to' primers, we felt moved by the excess of talent around us to gather various and sundry techniques and present to you the... 'How to Get Yourself Killed Quick Guide' THE LOWER RANKS: Don't read the Guide. Suggest over open comms that someone come immediately to your aid. Tight-beam the upper-ranks. Demand jobs over open-comms and at frequent intervals. Emblazon the barboards with posts that you were here. Accept responsibility for holding an item during a puzzle then decide to log off because you grow bored standing around. Badger RP's for groats and ask repeatedly for stat items over comms. Wear a trite mood. Wear a description that announces the bulge in your trousers or bodice. Make overt advances to everyone you meet of the opposite sex and be determined about it. PLANET OWNER: Link you planet with multiple movement table errors. Adopt the strategy that the more exchanges your new planet has, the more groats it will make you and put it into practice. Be sapidly cloying and announce that there in no risk of death on your planet in the link description. When someone requests your exchange location over comms, reply that you aren't in the indulgence business. Sell numerous factories, then take your planet off-line for a protracted period for renovations. Put a death location on either side of your exchange. Make buying insurance an interesting journey from your LP. Make the orbit an interesting journey from the link. Make your planet's puzzle dependent upon higher mathematics. Have complicated feelings about the morality of Fed antics and have your planet be a commentary upon those ideals. HIGHER RANKS: Be egotistical. Threaten to kill the lower ranks at frequent intervals. Take up the challenge to keep the ranks from getting top-heavy by thwarting promotions. Offer to reveal the entrance to the secret spy-proof room on Titan to the lower ranks. Frighten the teeming masses, struggling to be rich. Decide to teleport into the ruins for a stroll at highly inopportune moments. Teleport rapidly in and out of CDs, making rude gestures during the split second you're present. Be oppressively forward with all new arrivals of the opposite sex. Have congress with animals. Be an animal. Be a one-celled organism with an unpronounceable name. Make repeated shifts in allegiance because, hell, you've earned the right to run that planet as you see fit! And lastly, lest you think we are unable to take a convivial look at ourselves, we... those sweet, lovable and helpful individuals you all know and love... HOSTS/POWERS THAT BE: Answer pleas for help, but late and without attention to detail. Intervene in daily affairs in a manner that suggests you haven't been following the events. Give people who have no concept of the difference between what is interesting only to them and what is actually interesting the ability to own a planet. Make people spend time in the Explorer's Workbench and then let there be bugs in it. Let there be Fed-romance. Let there be Fed-relatives. Let there be Fed-angst. **>> LOLLIPOP, ANYONE? A curly headed young lady in a red plaid skirt, white blouse, and black vest, carrying a large heart-shaped lollipop has been seen running in and out of the Martian ruins lately. Rumour has it that Nancy is trysting secretly with boyfriend, Sluggo, in a hideaway deep under the surface of the red planet. Sluggo reportedly gave Nancy both the diamond and the opal as a come on at their first meeting, and Nancy was so impressed by the two big rocks that she's taken to calling Sluggo her hero and waving her lollipop excitedly every time he shows up. Does Aunt Fritzie know what her niece is up to? Does she even know where she is? Stay tuned for an update on this torrid affair! **>> WHO'S GOING TO PAY FOR THIS? It was a slow night, or at least that was the excuse being given. Oxcart was sitting quietly (for a change) in the Khan al-Khalili Coffeehouse on Sphinx waiting for his wife (such a tractable lad he's become) and playing with gelatin molds. Just then he felt the familiar rumbling that signaled a ship landing at the pad outside. He looked up just as the newest Captain, Wolff walked in the door and sauntered over to the table. Not minding each other's company the two chatted amiably for a bit when another ship landed. In walked Merchant Daphne, still wildly waving her Trading Permit. And so the conversation continued. Before the topic could turn to anything worth mentioning, yet another ship landed. A quick check of the WHO list showed only 4 people present, so the trio was none too surprised when Merchant Jordan burst through the door. Just as the gang was about to invite Jordan to join them, he burst into song (Elvis, no less), picked up a chair and threw it through the window! There was shocked silence for a moment as everyone pondered this new and interesting development. Wolff then stood up, announced that he was wearing dirty clothes, and overturned the nearest table sending sparks from the braziers flying everywhere! Not having sense enough to question this, and not wanting to be left out of the fun, Oxcart set fire to the tablecloth and, less intentionally, himself. A word of warning for those of you who wish to try this in the future: Gin does not make a good fire extinguisher. As the destruction continued, Daphne kept looking over her factory logs muttering "25 meg. 25 meg. 25 meg". Once she looked up to see what was happening, shook her head and sighed "men...", and went back to perusing her company. By the time security could be called in to bring order, the coffeehouse was a complete loss. The cleaning droids took one look at the wreckage and threw up their hands in despair. Their union steward simply refuses to allow any work to be started without a substantial cash deposit. Unfortunately, the current economic crisis has left the Duchesse Aja, as well as the other ducal leaders, without any steady means of support. "What am I going to do about this.. this mess!?", she bitterly complained. **>> LIFEGUARDS IN THE GENE POOL Dear sir or madam, I am but a simple citizen of Federation DataSpace and I have no position of power or influence. I am forced to speak out, though, regarding something that has been bothering me lately. I speak of our ever shrinking gene pool. As you know, any breeding population must sustain a certain amount of diversity in its genetic material, else the species will become stagnant. In our small community this is even more important. Up until now it hasn't been a problem. Recently, it is becoming increasingly apparent that we are on the verge of sad times. I speak of the rash of "relatives" that we seem to be experiencing lately. I lie awake at night now, worrying what will happen when two siblings, unable to comprehend the fantastic and complex family trees, decide to marry. Incest! Yes, it can, and I believe will, happen eventually. What comes after that is too terrible to think about. Hordes of slow-witted, three-toothed, one-eyed children clogging the space lanes, with their horrified ancestors looking on. I believe it is my solemn duty as a good citizen to warn everyone of the dire consequences that await us if we continue down this dark path. Fight for the cause! Divorce your parents today! It's not too late to save our civilisation. Thank you for your time. Sincerely, Commander Genesis **>> FREE TRADING TIPS Yes, that's right. Merchant Capt, that master of the trading lanes, is offering free advice on how best to maximise profits while trading! This is a limited time offer, so act now! **>> FEDRUCKERS This review is an excerpt from 'The Milky Way on 30 Groats a Day, Volume 1': Although it has a sordid and storied history, Fedruckers has become a place that families would, and do, frequent. Isolated as it is on Castillo, Fedruckers doesn't get many visitors. It draws some traders in from the nearby exchange. Apart from that the clientele is predominantly composed of unfortunate aliens who were suckered by travel agents into a week's stay on Castillo. Although occasionally overrun by hordes of screaming kids, it is usually a pretty quiet place despite the proximity of the trading floor. The bar is painted in a ghastly cacophony of clashing colors. Yellows and blues dominate with just enough other colors thrown in to make it truly ugly. The furnishings are rather spartan and the only eye- catching feature is the row of 'Martian Invader' holographic video games. Despite the uninviting atmosphere the eatery is clean and the food hearty. The portions are large and well-prepared if somewhat bland. Unfortunately Fedruckers is sadly lacking in the area of alcoholic beverages. Of course one doesn't expect much on an out-of-the-way planet like Castillo, but still we were rather disappointed at the lack of selection. Back in its heyday, when it was still known as Sam's, this bar was one of the rowdiest, raunchiest establishments in the solar system. Some years back, though, a hard-working farm family from earth bought the bar. After changing the name they managed to shed the unsavory image as well as most of the former customers. Today it is a rather unexciting, laid back establishment that caters to only the blandest of tastes. Our rating: * * **>> MOSQUITO BITES BACK After a long unexplained absence, the Baroness Mosquito of Kama has reappeared. She appeared suddenly Friday night to the intense delight of Wildstar, who has been wandering Fed full of gloom and doom. When questioned by our roving newsdroid regarding her absence, the sweet and innocent Duchess (tm) shuddered and clung to her husband, "It was awful, held captive by those horrid Martians. They will stop at nothing, then, now, and in the future to take over Fed. We must warn every one to prepare, to consider and to defend against these monsters!" At this point, Wildstar stepped in, threatened to turn our NewsDroid into one of his many ashtray projects if he didnt leave right now. The reunited family went back into the seclusion of their home, Skeets, Wildstar and their new daughter, Lorelei. Another story for another time. **>> IF MUSICA BE THE FOOD OF LOVE... Benson's Musica has been in the game for a long time, but only now does he feel that his planet is ready to be reviewed. We sent a reviewdroid along to take a look. Musica's Landing Pad provides everything a traveller could possibly need: all the services are right here, just step out of your ship. Very convenient. Looking around, it's clear that the inhabitants of the planet take a great deal of care of the place. It's clean and tidy, the buildings are all impressive and beautiful. There are two main areas to the planet. Benson's house is reached along a wooded path that climbs up a mountain. Here we see the splendid style in which this particular PO keeps himself. The house is very luxurious, with all mod cons, but it has an aura of age and majesty about it. It also has stunning views from the balcony. The other direction from the landing pad leads to the city itself, with concert halls to the north-east and the industrial area to the south-east. Benson has put a lot of work into his planet, but unfortunately there are still some problems with it. There are a lot of spelling mistakes, and in places the movements are very peculiar. Many locations do not have exits in the same place as their entrances, and there's no indication which way you can go: our droid wandered around lost in several areas. It seemed impossible to draw a sensible map of some parts of the planet. This is a pity, because the planet itself is a nice place, with some very good ideas, and if only Benson would tidy up these problems it would be excellent. **>> SPYNET REVIEW Alas, poor Baron Sorak, Explorer Starman and Merchant Briarrose: they've gone d-d. RIP. Congratulations to everyone who was promoted during the week. The news Captains were Nancy, Sluggo, Daphne, Hawkins, Wolff, Doc, Tk, Marka, Nite and Tesla. Sluggo, Stinger, Daphne and Tesla were promoted to Adventurer and Adventureuse. Daphne and Euon joined the Traders Guild. Jordon, Apocalype and Daphne made it to Merchant. Bluebeard and Randyith displayed their economic prowess by successfully running their companies and becoming JPs. **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. The current Federation Game Hosts are: Freya, Porcupine, Lyrynna, Grannie, Sparky, Zzzax, Geezer, Magneto, Syfari and Goblin. Their function is to answer questions, help new players get started, and make fun things happen. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed or one of the Game Hosts in the game * a message to Hazed * send mail on your host system to the Federation team: on GEnie, mail FEDII.2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Delphi, mail FED2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Cris, mail FEDERATION2 You can buy a copy of the very excellent Idiot's Guide to Federation for the paltry sum of $15.95. On GEnie, type ORDER from any main menu page. On Delphi and Cris, send a check for $15.95 to: Leah Parker, 4543 La Crescenta Avenue, La Crescenta, CA 91214-2912. **>> BULLETIN ENDS