**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 95.12.30 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> Compiled by Hazed plus a team of specialist newsdroids **>> your news and gossip and get paid good groats! **>> HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OUR PLAYERS! Best wishes for the new year, from all of the Fed Team. May 1996 bring you whatever you wish for. **>> RING OUT THE OLD... AND OUT THE OLD... AND OUT THE OLD... Join the non-stop super-duper-monster-mega-bash New Year party tomorrow night, as we celebrate the new year moving across the Galaxy's time zones. That's right, you don't just toast the new year once - you get to do it over and over again! The party starts at 10.00pm eastern and continues right through the night, until everyone falls over in an exhausted (and no doubt drunken) stupor. This is the best party of the year... old or new! Be there. **>> NEW ADVANCED IDIOT'S GUIDE! At last, the updated Advanced Idiot's Guide is available, after delays due to an unexpected business trip, an illness, and Christmas! It covers the ranks from Squire to Duke and is up to date with the game's current state. It includes all the new features that have been added recently for planet-owners, such as investment builds. On GEnie, you can download the Advanced Guide from the official Federation library on page 220. On Delphi, it is in the database reached by typing GO GAMES FED TALKABOUT DATABASE. **>> GRAPHIC MAPS Also in the Fed library and the Delphi database are four lovely graphic maps. The map of Solar System space is a detailed map, showing the locations of the planets. The sketch maps of the planets Earth, Mars and Venus do not show every location, but they show the relative positions of the important areas on those planets and will aid new players in finding their way around before they make their own full maps. These four files are all in Windows BMP format, and have been zipped up so they won't take long to download. You'll need a utility to unzip them, and if you don't already have one you can download PKUNZIP.EXE from the Fed library; it's file number 6. **>> SOME ANSWERS TO SENDMAIL... Hazed has received a few questions in sendmail and she thinks the answer may be of interest to everybody, so rather than replying individually to those who asked, here are the answers. Q: It seems odd that networth decreases as one spends 200 meg per build. Shouldn't networth stay at least even? Since planet value should go up with more investment, shouldn't networth show this? A: No, it makes sense if you compare a planet to a company. With a company, it makes no difference how much money you have put into the company by issuing shares, or how many factories the company owns. The only figure that affects your networth is the profit the company makes. Similarly, with a planet, what is important is how much money the planet has, how much accumulated stock, how big the deficits are... not how much money has been invested in it. You invest in the planet in order to improve it and thus make it more profitable. Q: Is it true that JPs are spy-proof? A: Yes and no. JPs are not ALL spy-proof, but once they get a certain way into the fiendish GM puzzle, they become spy-proof. This makes it harder for other players to walk them through the puzzle without them solving it themselves; conversely, it stops other JPs watching what they do to pick up puzzle secrets. **>> NEO SCHOOL GIRLS ABDUCTED FROM CHAOS An angered Duke Chance reported in a statement earlier this morning that crew men from Nexus launched probes and were the chief suspects in the abduction of several young Neo students and the theft of valuable merchandise from the dock on Chaos. When asked for further details about this heinous crime, the duke produced witnesses who saw the crewman land their probe and head immediately for the nearest tavern. After consuming exceedingly large portions of Chaosian Beer, these Nexian crewman were observed lurching in the general direction of the Smell the Glove Sex Shoppe; they were next spotted suspiciously lingering in the location where several crates of Guardian Dual Steel- Belted Radial Condoms where awaiting delivery to the Smell the Glove's warehouse. By the time that the warehouse workers came off their break and reported the missing cargo to the CISF, other witnesses reported seeing the crewman on a dangerously swerving transport truck, heading in the general direction of the Neo settlements and transition camps. Distraught Neo settlers reported seeing these drunken Nexian crewman dragging several screaming young girls in various states of scanty attire from their classes at the Neo Secretarial and Personal Assistant Training Camp. When this newsdroid questioned the duke about the scanty attire of the students, Duke Chance took the opportunity to point out that the Neo population on Chaos had arrived with virtually nothing and that the poor girls, none of whom were over the age of 17, had little else to wear and sighing sadly said that the general school uniform of the students at the Neo Secretarial School consisted of stiletto heels, fishnet stockings, and cheap teddies. The forces of the CISF were summoned but were unable to fire upon the crewmen before they lifted off and used the IL at Chaos since the crewmen were using their innocent young hostages as shields. Duke Chance ended the interview by condemning the crewmen from the Nexian- launched probe and demanding the safe return of the young students and the cargo. Our determined newsdroid crew managed to be present when the probe landed at an undisclosed location. As the hatch opened, the newsdroid team got footage of drunken crewmen and the kidnapped girls, all by this time in varying degrees of nudity and singing bawdy tavern songs. When they spotted our vidcam crew, the girls smiled wantonly at the crew, blowing kisses and wiggling various parts of their anatomies. Duke Chance, upon seeing this footage, remarked, 'Obviously, these poor, innocent girls have been deeply traumatised,' and added this heartfelt plea: 'All I want is for these hook... umm, poor innocent girls to be returned to the safety of Chaos.' **>> YAKS MUTILATED... FOR THE SAKE OF RELIGION OR FOR PROFIT? Yesterday, Senator Nightstalker issued the following statement, 'I just wanted to say there's no truth to the rumor that the Temple of Winslow is being modified to prevent cost overruns.' However, when questioned about gelded yaks found wandering totally sheared around the temple site, the senator quickly turned defensive. Senator Nightstalker's wife, Nocturne, seemed concerned that the Senator had been gelding these animals for use in sacrifice in the building of the new temple. Nightstalker, however, assured Nocturne that he had found the poor, highly frustrated creatures crated on the grounds and simply couldn't bear to leave them crated with all that fur just begging to be sheared. When Nocturne asked if yaks had fur, Nightstalker replied that it is not generally commercially marketable, being a rather long and stringy substance, but that he felt that he could find a market for it in the LCP. **>> THERE'S NO JOKE LIKE AN OLD JOKE The demi-Goddess Hazed was reclining against the bar in CDs (her habitual position), sipping a pink frothy drink, thinking divine thoughts, when JP Admiral sidled into the bar and up to the demi-G. 'Hey Hazed,' he whispered, 'Can you make me a GM?' 'Of course, darling,' replied Hazed. 'Just give me the wool and I'll make you one!' Oh yes, the old jokes are the best. **>> AS CHANCE WOULD HAVE IT... There I was, strolling down the spacelanes, minding me own cargo when I comes across this high-tootin' rich person. I says to meself, 'Self, this here man is no body's to reckon with.' It was a good thing, too. What I saw made me socks go straight! I be swearing that this here's the truth. I saw Chance, that colorful poppinjay, talkin' up two fine-looking birds. Always did hear that he was one for them ladies, but I never encountered him with two. Not that I ever encounter the man, mind you. But jumpin' jupiter, there he was, talkin' up these two fine ones at the same time. Maybe I should clarify this a slight hair, he wasn't necessarily talkin', if'in you know whats I mean. I sorta saw it in me old rigged up, black-market viewer. I says to meself, 'Self, this here's mighty intriguing. Someone's playing around. Hey, that's no someone, there's at least three people!' Shor enough. Chance was courtin the ladies Rchael and Shandi! I blinked once. I blinked again. This here's something the populace should know about, I thought. So here's I am, writing this piece about Chance getting his piece... err... pieces. On me own cargo, it's the truth! Cryptosporidium strike me down three times if I be lying! I shor do hope this makes the paper, cuz I think it's a humdinger of a story! -Jack O'Schmairn **>> RUMORS, LIES, AND SCANDALS Mosquito, after wedding Wildstar for the second time, has been seen making eyes at several young men around the solar systems. It will be interesting to see how this develops once Wildstar catches wind of it, but we won't tell him! Nightstalker, the kept man of Nocturne, has been seen making elicit deals with Epini. The deals are to remain secret, that's why we won't tell you that they are making an alliance! Jordan has yet to have done anything spectacular to warrant any type of write up. Kirchansky, the alleged Chief of Security for the LCP, has been caught embezzling the League's funds. It is rumoured that no action will be taken against her due to her relationship with the alleged leader Budwarp. Admiral continues to incite war on any planet he feels like harassing. Next planet to be attacked is said to be his own!! Apacolypse is still waiting for Budwarp to fund a teleporter for him. He seems patient enough, but he must be a saint given how long it is taking the duke to come up with such a vast amount of groats! Aja was seen last Tuesday in CDs doing a strip act. It is said that riots broke out when men struggled to retain a red glove or a piece of her dress. Her next showing (and she'll be showing all of it!) is scheduled for next Tuesday after Aja exclaimed that "Two for Tuesday" just seemed to fit. Chance has suggested that he was setting up raiding parties for late night hours. The target would be any LCP planet. Drinks at this party will be served before the raid commences. Shandi has vowed celibacy. This is obviously a fabrication! Satriani has decided to lay down his guitar. He said that music just doesn't get him keyed up anymore. His latest hobby consists of chasing mars rats to please Diesel, bombing Musica, and trying to gain the favours of Hazed herself. Drspock is on the look-out for any available and interesting female. Someone told him that he would be happy should he find a mate. Bets will be taken in one week after he finds one to see if he is happy or not. Dierdre was seen eating the infamous Dung Beatle Berry Ripple Ice Cream, and she even promotes it. She states that the flavour is unmistakable and it is a must to try! She was also heard asking, 'Well, I don't get this. There's no dung beatles in it, why's it called that?' It is assumed that she will figure out what "berry" means eventually! Brandy, the gorgeous Duchesse, has been seen with several men as of late. When asked about this, she claims, 'Of course they were expensive! I must keep up my appearances.' Detros has decided that he will seduce every female in the galaxy regardless of their marital status. The confidence surrounding this gallant is intoxicating, and as of yet he has been quite successful. Gentlemen (or equivalent) do you know where your lady is? [Excuse us? Detros, seducing LADIES? We don't think so! -Ed] **>> VOIDING CONTRACTS Report by Budwarp and Dierdre Last weeks news contained, as discovered by DrSpock, the up to now unknown Federation law "All contracts are NULL and VOID with each new version of Federation Dataspace!". Falsely surmised by the newsdroid was that Budwarp and Duchesse Dierdre have been living out of wedlock. As some of you may recall in March of 1995 , Duke Budwarp suffered a minor setback and went dead-dead and with the help of many within a week returned to planet owner. During that hectic time Dierdre and Budwarp renewed their marriage vows. A certifed copy follows: ~~~~~~~~~~ Federation II log start Sat Mar 11 19:48:00 1995 Aren is here no comment, Amigan is here There is a 34.4% chance that Pulcherrimus is here Arm around Katrina's waist Fastjack is here Pain in the ass Freya is here a smiling China is here Cheering for the Tar Heels, Xavier is here Silk is here Bud's Best Man, Brain is here looking happy Katrina is here with the lady fo the evening Barberousse is here Cardinal Tellurian is here >Tellurian hands each the other's ring with a smile on his face. "I will ask you first, Dierdre, to repeat my words. >Tellurian says, 'I, Dierdre, renew my bond of Love and Life with you, Budwarp. Until the stars are no more, I am yours.' >Tellurian motions for the ring to be slipped on Bud's finger. >Dierdre takes up the ring and slides it onto Bud's finger >Dierdre says, 'I, Dierdre, renew my bond of Love and Life with you, Budwarp. Until the stars are no more, I am yours.' >Tellurian turns to Budwarp, smiling. "Repeat these words... >Tellurian says, 'I, Budwarp, renew my bond of Love and Life with you, Dierdre. Until the stars are no more, I am yours.' >Budwarp says, 'I , Budwarp , renew my bond of love and life with you Dierdre until the stars are no more' >Tellurian smiles as he waits for Bud to slip the ring on Dee's finger. Taking their two hands and joining them together, he raises them up slightly. >'I call to Night the Herder, and unto St. Pegasus, to join these rings as one. Let none who try to break this bond go unpunished. So must it be!', exclaims Tellurian. ~~~~~~~~~~ Duke Budwarp and Duchess Consort Dierdre have sought verification of their union with numerous Federation legal entities including but not limited to the Senate Council and have received the following ruling: ~~~~~~~~~~ Senate Ruling Original Available for view in Earth Court Dierdre's and Budwarp's vows clearly stipulate "until the stars are no more" which must be judged to transcend any such trivial "Federation Version Number" as cause for Budwarp and Dierdre to be living out of wedlock. Signed by: Barberousse, Amigan, Tellurian ~~~~~~~~~~ Squire Kirchansky and Duchess Brandy, with the assistance of Kassandra the Oracle and Menua the Druid, have completed exhaustive research and concur with the Senate findings. Drspock, learning of the depth of Dierdre's and Budwarp's vows, stated "Dierdre's and Budwarp's vows and union are clearly of a higher status than any mere contract". The Godfather himself was carefully approached by Epini's legal team of Benson, Draco and Satriani and were advised in terse terms that anyone found to be casting aspersions on Dierdre's and Budwarp's union are to be terminated with extreme prejudice. The esteemed Godfather and Epini's legal team are now preparing a libel suit against the Federation News and have conducted memorial services for the errant news droids. Happy New Year ! Budwarp and Dierdre Duke and Duchess of Epini **>> SPYNET REVIEW Alas poor JP Patrick and JP Randyith, both dead for reasons unknown. RIP! Congratulations to those who were promoted during the past week. The new Captains were Novice, Tofer, Chester, Ste, Bryan and Bodhi. Tofer, Apocalypse, Rdget and Chester made it to Adventurer. The Traders Guild admitted Tofer, Tarazed, Apocalypse and Delilah to its ranks. Tofer and Delilah both reached Merchant. Detros proved his economic prowess by making it to JourneyPerson. **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. The current Federation Game Hosts are: Freya, Porcupine, Grannie, Sparky, Zzzax, Geezer, Magneto, Syfari and Goblin. Their function is to answer questions, help new players get started, and make fun things happen. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed or one of the Game Hosts in the game * a message to Hazed * send mail on your host system to the Federation team: on GEnie, mail FEDII.2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Delphi, mail FED2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Cris, mail FEDERATION2 You can buy a copy of the very excellent Idiot's Guide to Federation for the paltry sum of $15.95. On GEnie, type ORDER from any main menu page. On Delphi and Cris, send a check for $15.95 to: Leah Parker, 4543 La Crescenta Avenue, La Crescenta, CA 91214-2912. **>> BULLETIN ENDS