**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 95.03.03 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> Compiled by Hazed plus a team of specialist newsdroids **>> your news and gossip and get paid good groats! **>> BACK FROM THE MYSTERY VAN! That red-haired bombshell dressed in altering shades of purple has returned after a long absence! This would be none other than Daphne. Daphne has been missing for well over five Mercurial years, only to appear popping out of the mystery van to say hi. When asked if she would stay for a while, she languidly stated, "MMm, I think I'll just crawl inside the van again for one more...". Newsdroids were never able to figure out what she wanted more of but does recall a hazy mist that surrounded the van when Daphne emerged. To find out just what Daphne wanted, the newsdroid followed her right up to the van. The door was slammed in its face, hindering entrance. All other efforts were abandoned when the droid spied a sign which read, "When This Van's Rockin', Don't Bother Knockin'". **>> RENEWING PERMITS Permits obtained in Federation must be renewed! This has been stated time and time again, but yet people find themselves with expired permits. Not only is the expiration of a permit happening, but incomplete permits are hindering this galaxy. We are not talking about simple, unimportant permits like ship owner's, trader's and planet- owner's permits. No, what we are referring to is marriage permits! In the case of Galaxy v. Budwarp and Dierdre, the couple was able to verify beyond the shadow of a doubt that their marriage was "until the stars are no more" rather than "until a new version of federation". They had proper documentation. But for those poor souls who rush into the blissful union without proper research, little can be done and they must renew their permits (or 'vows' as some put it). Kirchansky and Trafalgar were married in such haste. Or they did not foresee anything that could invalidate their marriage until Trafalgar changed his name to Ishmael! But such was the case and the couple had to apply and renew their marriage. Let us hope they were able to add all the proper clauses on this go-around! **>> SOCIAL SERVICE SCAM! It is not unknown in the galaxy for social service scams to run amok. There have been tales of business scams, marriage scams, and even embezzlement of social funds to enhance some planets. What has been unknown, up until now, is that POs can take foundlings under their wings (or equivalent) and reap the benefits! The act of taking in foster children has been practiced for quite some time by Budwarp and Dierdre. Most think that this is out of the kindness of their hearts, to take in those who have no other family and offer them a warm place at the hearth. But is this as upfront as it appears? Not at all! It is now known that Dierdre and Budwarp take in these foster children - adopt, they say - in order to collect social service checks! This was found to be so upon their latest adoption of Bodhi. They have been taking into the bosom of their family these lost souls, giving them a location in their basement, and cashing their checks to use the money towards the Duchy of Epini! Investigations into this practice are still being conducted. The case is classified as "Top Secret" and will not be available to the public until a much further date. Luckily one of our newsdroids was able to get a public servicedroid drunk in order to extract this highly sensitive information. Those without a family are warned to practice caution now when offered a family of their very own! **>> CHANCE TURNS TOWARDS THE LIGHT We have received a sliver of gossip indicating that Chance has thrown out the dark. We assume this refers to his chocolate preferences, and have therefore passed the word to factories to switch from making bitter chocolate and concentrate on manufacturing milk and white chocolate. **>> RODENT DECLARED SAFETY HAZARD Galactic Administration officials today issued a statement that all spiny rodents were to be shorn of their quills before being allowed into public places. The ruling is the result of a successful case brought against the Fedruckers bar by a Mr. George Seedhampererster, who claimed damages from the bar following an incident where he tripped while drunk and fell onto Porcupine, scratching himself rather badly on her sharp points. In the case, Judge Righto ruled in favor of the plaintiff and awarded actual and punitive damages, to be paid by Fedruckers. His ruling stated that "It was quite outrageous that ordinary drunken citizens should be put at risk by nasty aliens and other so-called intelligent beasts who could endanger life and limb of proud upstanding earthlings by their very presence in the bar." Although Fedruckers is appealing against the ruling, the Galactic Administration is determined to make Fed DataSpace a safe place for all its citizens and is starting by tackling the problem of dangerous porcupines. Porcy has been told to comply with the order by removing all her quills within a week, or risk being sent to jail. She is protesting the decision, and has issued a statement saying that it is a violation of her civil rights and she is quite prepared to go to prison to uphold her right to have spines. However, hordes of angry earthlings have been seen gathering outside her ship, wielding scissors, razors, shears and even weed whackers, and they seem determined to forcibly remove her hazardous spines if she won't do so voluntarily. **>> DIS-RUPTIVE More news from Bryan, who you will recall from previous issues of the news has been possessed by the spirit of Dis. At the time of writing, Dis is still inside Bryan's body (must be a bit cramped!) and is in league with Menua, threatening to destroy the universe. Pointing out to Menua that if the universe is destroyed, he gets blown up along with it seem to fall on deaf ears. Much of the time, Bryan appears completely normal. Well, relatively normal. But when Dis pops up and exerts power, look out! Even when Dis is not actively animating the puppet-body of Trader Bryan, the deity "leaks" a powerful force called the Dark Power. Bryan is able to control this force and can use it to hurl huge blasts of evil around (very handy in bar brawls, we're sure). Bryan has begged us to warn all Fedders about the evil Dis' presence in his body. If you see his hands start to shake and an evil force come crackling out of them, take cover! **>> JOKE OF THE WEEK Thanks to Byterunner for the following joke: Q: What do you say to a plastic parrot who advances its planet to mining level? A: Polly you're a Thane! Everybody groan in unison, please. **>> SPYNET REVIEW Bliss continues to exert a grip on the Tungsten Tourist Trap Throphy, hvaing won it four times in the last week. Musica also did well, claiming the trophy (and the accompanying groats) twice. But a challenger appears: Conception won the trophy once. Could this have anything to do with our mention of the planet's delightful watering hole in last weeks news? It's been a bad week for Adventurers and Adventureuses, with Starre and Gandalf both shuffling off this mortal coil. We also lost JP Trafalgar. RIP! Otherwise it was quiet, with Fawn being promoted to Captain, Biz to Trader, Brain to JP, Sailor to GM then Explorer then Squire of his new planet Mist, and Shandi also making explorer. **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed or one of the Game Hosts in the game * a message to Hazed * send mail on your host system to the Federation team: on GEnie, mail FEDII.2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Delphi, mail FED2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Cris, mail FEDERATION2 You can buy a copy of the very excellent Idiot's Guide to Federation for the paltry sum of $15.95. On GEnie, type ORDER from any main menu page. **>> BULLETIN ENDS