**>> SPYNET BULLETIN **>> EARTHDATE 95.03.17 **>> AN H-by-A SERVICE **>> Compiled by Hazed plus a team of specialist newsdroids **>> your news and gossip and get paid good groats! **>> EXPLORE THE LABYRINTH... We'll be linking in a special Easter planet for you to explore, with a large complex puzzle to solve. More details in next week's news! **>> PORCUPINE PLUCKED AND POT ROASTED! Regular readers will recall from previous issues of the news that the spiny rodent had fallen foul of new Galactic Administration safety laws, which decreed that her quills had to be removed. Porcupine was absolutely adamant that she would not give in to such an outrageous violation of her civil rights, and she intended to start a "Save the Spine" campaign, enlisting all her friends and colleagues to march on the Galactic Adminstration's Department of Health and Safety. But before she could marshall her campaign, she was seized by the Galactic Administration's Fascist Bully-boy Death-squad troopers and carted off to a secure establishment, where her quills were plucked out one by one, and treated with a special chemical (Quill-B-Gone (patent pending)) to ensure they would not grow back. Thus shorn of her spiny covering, she was released to find her own way back to her ship. But disaster struck. As she slunk through the backstreets of Earth, dazed and disorientated (not to mention cold) she was netted by a passing Goblin and taken off to his kitchen. He didn't recognise this bald pathetic creature as his spiny little chum, and the ex-spiny one was too upset to speak. Thus it was that Porcupine became a pot-roast for a hungry Goblin, and was never more seen in Fed DataSpace. A sad fate for the ever-popular rodent. **>> CHAOSIAN SCIENTISTS TRIUMPH! The following statement was issued by Chaosian authorities earlier today: Chaosian scientists have discovered the source of the msyterious plague which has been wreaking havoc through Chaos recently; it's the Epinian Flu! While this disease is relatively harmless to Epinians, causing only green blotching of the skin and a mild headache, it is fatal to other races. Chaosian scientists theorize that this disease is harmless to Epinians because the average Epinian brain size; the cerebral cortex of an Epinian takes up only about 13% of the space inside their skull. So, after about 3 days of bedrest and watching repeats of Duke Budwarp's 'State Of The Duchy' address, the average Epinian's brain shrinks back down to it's normal size. But, when the virus infects people with brains occupying all the space afforded by their skull, the results are quite different, and messy, as you can well imagine. Once the Chaosian scientists realized that it was the Epinian Flu that they were dealing with, they wasted no time in tracking down the host (believed to be a transport pilot from Epini) and coming up with an antidote. The virus is no longer spreading, and Duke Chance is pleased to announce that those now infected are expected to make a full recovery. Dukes Chance and Nightstalker are rumored to be in negotiations with other factions in the galaxy to provide them with the antidote to Epinian flu before it spreads to other sentient life forms. **>> NEWSDROID PANIC The previous story was received with great sighs of relief by the few remaining newsdroids in the H-by-A office, who have been forced to watch their colleagues' heads (or equivalent) explode while wondering which of them will be affected next. The droids are eagerly awaiting delivery of the antidote. Meanwhile, Hazed continues to be unavailable, having barricaded herself in her ship to avoid contamination. Speaking via her comm unit, she said she would not come out until all her droids (well, all those remaining) had been tested clear of the disease. **>> A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE The Imperial Surgeon General has discovered that the prescence of Kudzu in ones family tree may be hazardous to ones Intelligence Quotient. Citing evidence of shrinking brain size among some inhabitants in the more heavily inbred regions of the galaxy, he urged all couples of any persuasion seeking to marry or just to mate with the potential of offspring to seek advice from the nearest genetic screening facility first. **>> KARNAC STRIKES AGAIN Possessed by the spirit of Karnac, or just driven to madness by the garish hat of the fabled psionist, Duke Nightstalker has issued his predictions for the week... Nightstalker: The answer is the plane of Hell will freeze over. Envelope: When will Bliss win fewer Tourist trap awards than all the other known planets? Nocturne: Doesn't Nightfall contain the Icy Gateway to Hell now? NS: That question wasn't sealed, and therefore does not require an answer NS: The answer is seventeen. Envelope: What will be the official census count for unrelated blood relatives in all of Federation DataSpace in the current year? NS: Seventeen. And the question is: How many players will go d-d on Tisnar during the current year? Nightstalker: The Chaos Gift Shop And the question is: What corporate entity stands to gain the most from the sale of, "I Survived the Epinian Flu T-Shirts?" **>> SPYNET REVIEW Bliss and Stonehenge tied this week for the most popular planet, both of them winning the Tungsten Tourist Trap Trophy three times. Musica also won the award once. Alas, poor Merchant Fawn... she went d-d in Morpher. RIP. Congratulations to everyone who was promoted during the week. The new Captains were Fieldmouse, Blademan (twice), Kyrie and Shauna. Kyrie made it to Adventurer and then Trader. Fawn was promoted to Merchant before her unfortunate demise. Ishmael proved his economic prowess, making enough profit to become a JourneyPerson. **>> CONTACTS The following information will appear at the end of every News Bulletin, so you don't have to read it if you already know it. In the event of a problem or question, you can: * talk to Hazed or one of the Game Hosts in the game * a message to Hazed * send mail on your host system to the Federation team: on Genie, mail FEDII.2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Delphi, mail FED2 or use the option on the main Fed page on Cris, mail FEDERATION2 You can buy a copy of the very excellent Idiot's Guide to Federation for the paltry sum of $15.95. On Genie, type ORDER from any main menu page. **>> BULLETIN ENDS