THE
MONTH IN BRIEFAs
players sent in their checks the Universe started to be a
bit more lively again. Meanwhile, we were frantically
working to get the credit card billing software running;
during March we got 90% of the way there but that final
10% of work proved to be more difficult than the rest.
Ten days after we started to charge
for Fed, the planets belonging to those POs who had not
bought any time credits closed - 500 of them, leaving
almost 1000 still open, so it still wasn't safe to do a
Sol price check.
We started offering free time as
prizes for the Fed events.
The news contained many
exhortations to players to be mindful of security, now
that accounts had real money in them.
On the web site, the secure server
was installed to make looking at your account details
safer from prying eyes; and the Who's Who in Fed page was
posted containing bios of many of the Hosts and
Navigators.
The Carpenter Award for excellent
planets was bestowed by the Devourer of Worlds upon
Blaze's Gossamer, Pinonnut's Pinon and Mysticchem's
Paragon.
THE
MYSTERY OF THE BROKEN TELEPORTERS
Now that the DNI computer is back
in action, Barons who had been waiting patiently (or
not-so-patiently) for the Duke puzzle have found they
can, at least, build the necessary facilities even if
they can't use them.
Of course, the result has been a
whole new generation of teleporting Barons, popping
around the Galaxy in delight at their new mobility. But
the Galactic Administration's Bureau of Statisticians and
Number-Crunchers have spotted a worrying trend.
Everyone knows that
newly-teleport-equipped Barons have a greater risk of
dying than the general populace, but in the past few
weeks there has been an enormous rise in the number of
Barons who die dead-dead through lack of insurance. It
seems not a day goes by but an ex-Baron is seen creeping
shamefacedly back into the game as a Poor Person.
The StatsDroids were concerned at
these anomalous figures and decided to investigate. Yes,
strangely enough, sometimes those number-crunchers leave
the purity of their temple of statistics and venture into
the real world, to examine the source of the numbers they
so happily crunch.
They visited the scenes of death
and death-death for all of the recent tragedies, and
using their expert pattern-matching abilities were able
to spot similarities between the incidents that had
eluded the viewing implements of the PoliceDroids that
had dealt with the individual cases. The pattern they
spotted was that in each case, it appeared that although
the first deaths were due to the usual variety of causes,
the final death had this in common: the Barons had always
been teleporting to the insurance office on their own
planet - and they had all suffered a fatal teleporter
malfunction that sent them off-course to die in the cold,
unfriendly wastes of space.
Of course, no technology is
fool-proof and teleporter malfunctions do happen from
time to time, but so many in such a short space of time?
Resulting in so many DD Barons? If the StatsDroids had
been equipped with nostrils, they would have smelt a
marsrat!
It was obvious, they felt, that the
teleporters were malfunctioning through no normal process
of wear and tear or construction defects. This was
something more sinister, more deliberate. This was...
sabotage!
But who would want to kill off
Barons? Who had a vested interest in wiping out players
from that particular rank. Sure, Fed DataSpace has more
than its fair share of homicidal maniacs who like to
kill, maim, and wound, but they usually prey on the lower
ranks, and their chosen methods are twin lasers and
deathtrap planets; they are certainly not known for going
after just one rank with such precision.
At first the Droids thought that
the culprit must be a Duke, or perhaps a consortium of
Dukes. After all, soon the Duke puzzle will be back in
the game, at which point hordes of Barons will promote,
upsetting the economic balance and flooding the Galaxy
with new duchies. Surely this would be a threat to the
existing Dukes' cosy set-up. Perhaps the Dukes had
decided to take steps to prevent their power being
thinned by new blood.
But careful observation of
prominent Dukes showed that they are far too busy
bickering amongst themselves about how to hold onto
power, attempting to set up councils, and telling other
Fedders how to behave, to be involved in such a subtle
but effective campaign.
So who else could it be?
And then our trusty statisticians'
attention was drawn to what happened to the Barons after
their untimely death. Of course, they were coming back as
Poor People, determined to climb back through the ranks
to assume their previous positions as fast as possible;
and this meant they were doing jobs in order to get
through those first, grim ranks. And who was standing by
to offer them the jobs they needed? Why, the massed ranks
of the GMs, of course, who only a few weeks ago had been
complaining bitterly about the lack of Poor People to
accept the jobs they needed to give out for their own
promotions.
And so it became obvious just who
it was that benefitted from sabotaging the teleporters.
It was the GMs.
It wasn't Barons in particular that
were being targetted; any Rich Person would have done.
It's just that teleporters are particularly easy to
sabotage, and when Barons die in teleporter accidents
everyone just shrugs, laughs perhaps at the foolishness
of the Baron, then forgets about the incident.
Of course, having got to the bottom
of the problem, the StatsDroids were happy. They felt no
need to do anything about it, or to report it to the
authorities. They just needed to know where that
statistical blip came from. So no doubt, the Barons will
go on dying so that the GMs can advance. Life - and death
- will go on as normal.
Ah well, it makes for good news
stories!
THE
ULTIMATE HOLIDAY DESTINATION
With the discovery that the Snark
puzzle is still out of action due to a bug in its closing
stages, an enterprising businessman has hit on something
to fill the gap. He has formed a new company to exploit
the desire of rich young travellers to visit exciting and
dangerous places for adventure holidays. He's offering
package tours of the Snark asteroid!
The pirates who inhabit the
asteroid are said to be pleased with the arrangement -
afterall, they are well known to do anything for ready
cash. And the visiting holiday-makers don't upset their
routines; the Snarkians have refused to compromise in any
way to accommodate foreigners and their wants and needs.
This means vacationers are at
considerable risk, because Snark is a dangerous place.
But this doesn't seem to deter adventurous travellers; on
the contrary, it makes the holiday more attractive to
young thrill-seekers.
The entrepreneur has taken steps to
ensure that anyone dying during the holidays is
transported safely back to Earth. The disclaimer
holiday-makers have to sign makes it clear that insurance
is their own responsibility, and warns them not to visit
Snark without full cloning and resurrection cover.
And so this surprise destination is
fast becoming one of the most popular in the Galaxy, with
the guided tour of the missile silos and spoil heaps a
top attraction for the bored young aristocracy looking
for a thrill.
Dates, rates and details on
application to the Galactic Administration Travel Bureau.
FROM
THE POSTBAG: WHO IS CYNTHIA, WHAT IS SHE?
A puzzled Fedder writes with a
burning question that has been keeping her awake at
night: "Who," she asks, "Is Cynthia? Is
she a real person? Her name appears on the back of the
luncheon voucher. Why?"
Cynthia is indeed a real person.
Her full name is Cynthia Paine, and she became famous in
the UK about 15 years ago. Her claim to fame was that she
ran a brothel in a suburb of south-west London. What made
her unusual amongst madams is that she ran a system
whereby she would sell luncheon vouchers to her
"gentleman callers", which the customers would
give to the girls in exchange for sex. The girls would
then redeem the vouchers and Cynthia would give them
their cut of the proceeds.
Alas, poor Cynthia was busted and
charged with assorted offences to do with keeping a
disorderly house (that's the British legal term for
running a brothel), and after serving time in prison was
forced to change her career and become a minor media
celebrity.
Those who wish to know more about
Cynthia and her exploits should seek out a film about her
life called Personal Services, starring Julie Walters. A
fun film.
So why is her name on the back of
the LV in Fed? Well, the connection with Chez Diesel
Executive Services should be obvious...
LETTER
OF THE MONTH
I don't think we've ever had a
letter to top this one...
"Hello, I am XXXXX and
screen name is XXX i sent in a money order yesterday
for 24 dollers and i have not been creided with the
hours that i just bought i would like to know what
you are doing with my money and i would like to know
why i can not get into the game"
Sorry, our crystal balls got broken
so we can't look into the future to see what the postman
is going to deliver in the next few days!!
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