WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS
Earthdate December 1998


INSIDE SCOOP


FED FUNNIES


OFFICIAL NEWS
by Hazed


What was in December 1998's Official News:

THE MONTH IN BRIEF
AN IMPERIAL STATEMENT
ECONOMIC BLOCKADES
BUG REPORT OF THE MONTH
101 WAYS TO DIE
101 WAYS TO DIE: PART TWO
THERE ARE PRIZES FOR STUPIDITY
HONORARY PLAYER OF THE MONTH: ISAAC ASIMOV
REAL LIFE NEWS: DISASTROUS ENVIRONMENTAL
PROJECT
REAL LIFE NEWS: EAT MY SHORTS

THE MONTH IN BRIEF

The biggest news of the month was the return of the Duke puzzle, at last, at long last, after an absence far too lengthy - and this time it was back to stay. Just in time for Christmas.

Along with the puzzle, the new code brought other changes and new features, including the return of the TIMEOUT feature to stop you staying in Fed longer than you intended; the axing of limbo space and the change in order of planets being loaded when the game fires up; unwelcome visitors being kicked off your planet when you closed it; a change to the frequency and size of lumps output by factories; and the WANTED command finally becoming usable again (so long as you weren't in Sol), the display being restricted to the duchy you were in.

The new code inevitably brought with it problems, bugs and crashes - but then nothing is ever perfect!

Christmas came, the geese got fat, and the old man's hat overflowed with groats. Santa visited Fed, the Christmas planet kept puzzlers puzzled, Hazed hid some presents on the web site, and ibgames suggested books, CDs and videos you could buy for yourself as a gift (read the recommendations at http://www.ibgames.net/shop/). Special Christmas events offered lucky winners prizes of Fed calendars.

Elsewhere on the web site, Alan Lenton completed his four-part series of articles about Federation's move from AOL to the web, and published it on his web site. You can read all four articles at http://www.ibgames.net/alan/.

AN IMPERIAL STATEMENT

In a completely unprecedented move earlier today The Emperor Ming the Merciless summoned all news sheet editors to personally attend a press conference given by him. Droids were specifically barred from attending, and one that sneaked in disguised as a human was melted down and cast into souvenir ashtrays on the spot.

Since the invitation was delivered by a squad of imperial marines, who immediately the escorted the editor to the venue, it wasn't clear at first whether this was a real press conference, or merely Emperor Ming rounding up all possible voices of dissidence. Fortunately it turned out to be the former - otherwise your erstwhile editor would have been shorter by a head!

The Emperor read out a prepared statement in a merciless voice, and then abruptly turned and left his hapless minions to answer questions from the assembled hacks.

'Members of the gutter press', Emperor Ming began, 'We face an unprecedented crisis. The time-travelling Martian scum have once again reared their ugly snouts, in spite of being soundly thrashed by my loyal dukes last year. The situation has become serious and is disrupting my enjoyment. I have therefore decided to offer further promotions to Duke for any Baron who disposes of these perfidious creatures.'

At this point in his speech the Emperor paused dramatically - 'Who will rid me of these turbulent Martians!', he declaimed.

Returning to his prepared speech the Emperor continued, 'The basic information on this problem is available to Barons from Naval Intelligence, and assistance is available, via the DNI, to planetary scientists and technicians who will build the necessary facilities to allow barons to timewarp into the Martian time-line.'

The Emperor scowled at the assembled hacks. ' I would like to make it clear that promotion is only available to those who complete their allotted tasks and return alive. I have no use for dead Barons.' With that he slammed shut the book from which he had been reading, and stomped out of the audience chamber.

As he departed there was an immediate hubbub of shouted questions, all which were regally ignored.

The Emperor's press secretary then took the podium and attempted to placate the crowd with a few further crumbs of information. Most of what he had to say was lost in the noise, but it was noted that before a Baron could travel through time he or she would need to have the wherewithal to travel both there and back stockpiled. Apparently the elite Temporal Guard was getting annoyed at having to bail out impecunious time travelling Barons...

Your editor suggested that the Martians had been being a nuisance for some time now, and questioned why the announcement was being made at this time. The press person hotly denied that there was any link between the announcement and the upcoming public hearing before the star chamber of Emperor Ming's prime minister. Further questions on this issue were ignored, but it was clear that few were convinced.

Eventually the meeting was broken up by Imperial marines and the participants ordered to publish the details of the Emperor's speech.

ECONOMIC BLOCKADES
by our Economic Correspondent

You are a Duke. You run a successful and happy duchy. But you have had a tiff with another Duke and you want to express your displeasure. What do you do?

Well, you could buy yourself a big twin laser and challenge the offending Duke to a duel. But that's the crude way to do it. It's uncivilized. Besides, you might get a scratch on the paintwork of your shiny spaceship.

So you need a non-violent method of showing the rival Duke you are not happy with his, her or its behavior, and that means using economic means. No, not dumping macros! I am speaking, of course, of setting up an economic blockade on your enemy duchy - or, as it is more commonly known, an embargo.

What does an embargo mean, and what result does setting one have? A recent Galactic Administration economic summit discussed this matter and decided to implement a set of rules defining exactly what an embargo consists of. This will mean that all duchies operate on a level playing field.

There are several different levels of embargo, and they will be implemented in stages. The first stage, which came into effect last week, breaks the hyperspace route between two duchies. For example, let's say the Duke of Sodom has a row with the Duke of Gomorrah. Duke G puts an embargo on the duchy of Sodom. This means that nobody can jump from Sodom to Gomorrah, or from Gomorrah to Sodom, directly. The link between the two duchies is severed in both directions. If you check the routes from either of the duchies, you will find the other duchy is not on the list. Travelers wishing to move from Sodom to Gomorrah, or vice versa, will have to take a detour via a third duchy.

So that is the first tranche of the embargo effect. Future implementations of this kind of encomic censure will include preventing the import of any goods from the embargoed duchy, stopping taxi ships moving between the two duchies, and dealing with teleporters.

BUG REPORT OF THE MONTH

Amongst all the bug reports due to the new code going in, was a letter saying just this:

Fed is crashing too much.

What can we do but agree?

101 WAYS TO DIE

Just how many different ways are there to die in the Solar System? We always say there aren't that many; Sol is actually a safe place provided you exercise a little caution.

However, in the past, illustrious personages have tried to compile lists of the many and varied ways of ending a life and have claimed there are as many as 101 different ways to die. Historians have found partial lists but piecing them together never produces more than 42 different deaths, and even then some of those listed don't seem to apply to the Universe as we know it.

To aid the historical research, we at the Federation Chronicle intend to compile our own list of the Ways to Die, to see if we can reach that magic number of 101. We will print ten ways to die each week in the news, and we need your help to point out to us any deaths we have overlooked. Send your ways to die to feedback@ibgames.com.

Here is the first ten Ways to Die:

1. Annoy Pegasus (who is reputed to be the meanest son-of-a-bitch in the entire Galaxy).
2. Shake hands with a Zlitherworm.
3. Set the controls for the heart of the sun.
4. Get overly curious about a cat.
5. Visit Diesel when you've got a headache.
6. Slash your wrists with a Swiss Army knife.
7. Get plundered by pirates.
8. Insult Hazed.
9. Enter a radioactive room without suitable protection.
10. Fail to recharge your sonic screwdriver.

We look forward to receiving your further suggestions for Ways to Die.

101 WAYS TO DIE: PART TWO

Last week we listed ten of the supposed 101 Ways to Die in the Solar System, and we asked for suggestions of further deadly things. Here's some of what we've received:

From Megamike:
Dropping an overly powerful explosive (note: Megamike seems to think the explosive device is called TNT...)

From Corey:
Get sacrificed.
Walk into the lines room and get fried.
Walk through too much gas on Venus.

From Audrey:
Be in the ruins while a new JP is trying Snark.
Teleport into space.
Stumble under the altar.
Walk on a tightrope across the pit.
Attempt lifting weights while low in stamina.
Go around pushing brown buttons.
Try to catch a Marillion.
Juggle the TDX (ah, that's the stuff Mike meant!).

Keep your suggestions coming in, and let's see if there really are 101 Ways to Die!

THERE ARE PRIZES FOR STUPIDITY

Once upon a time, Pugwash (who you now know as Hazed, that is, me) and Pegasus (who, as well as now being a mobile, is also Cryptosporidium) got together to present some awards called the Clog-Dropper's Awards. These were given to those who acted in such an idiotic way as to endanger the well-being of their Fed character.

These awards disproved the long-standing rule that there were no prizes for stupidity, although we're not sure that this was a desirable prize since the recipients were seldom proud that their achievements were made public!

Now, I'm not saying that we at the Federation Chronicle plan to revive this dubious ceremony, at least not on a regular basis, but we cannot resist the chance to publicly humiliate someone who has dropped a rather large clanger! So this week's dishonorable mention must go to Squire Starangel - or Explorer Starangel, as he was when he made his gaffe.

The hapless Explorer was ready to bring his planet online, so he checked what the command was and saw that the syntax was quoted as 'ONLINE planetname'. So he dutifully typed just that, and low and behold, he became the owner of a planet called... Planetname!

Take a bow, PO of the planet with possibly the silliest ever name.

HONORARY PLAYER OF THE MONTH - ISAAC ASIMOV
by Barb

Introducing a new section to the Federation Chronicle; once a month we will tell you about a person - living or dead - who has had a great influence on us and that we think you will be interested in.

No one quite agrees on just how many books Isaac Asmov wrote. You can safely say, "hundreds", probably around 500. The simple answer is, "an awful lot". And almost all of them will provide you with hours of wondrously enjoyable reading because Asimov was a master of science fiction as well as mysteries, histories, philosophies and the entire sweep of science. Isaac Asimov was without doubt one of the shining lights of the Golden Age of Science Fiction and remained master of his craft till the end.

What can you say about a man who earned a PhD in biochemistry, was awarded 14 honorary graduate degrees, and an endless list of writing awards and honours? He was a magnificent science fiction writer, a spellbinding mystery writer, and one of the finest, most rational science writers. He was born in Russia in 1920, between the end of the Czarist era and the beginning of the Soviet state. His family soon fled to the United States, settling in Brooklyn, NY. He began writing at age 11 and Marooned Off Vesta, was his first science fiction work accepted by Amazing Stories and published January
10, 1939. Asimov's favourite novel was The Gods Themselves, largely because of the middle section, which was both absolutely brilliant and included non-humans and sex.

He had a wealth of interests including a passionate appreciation of Gilbert & Sullivan, singing their songs with the least encouragement and very proud of his singing voice. He was a member of the Explorers Club, MENSA, the Baker Street Irregulars and an all male club called The Trap Door Spiders. Asimov appreciated his readers and regularly attended science fiction conventions, making himself available to his fans and kindly chatting to and advising even young hopeful writers-to-be. However this man whose vast imagination took us on spaceflights to other worlds suffered from a fear of heights and flying, himself.

When I think of Asimov, his Foundation series and his Robot books come immediately to mind. Often called his "Future History" books, they introduce the concepts of psycho-history, Positronic Robots and the Three Laws of Robotics (the robotic equivalent of the Ten Commandments - an ethical system hard coded into the robotic positronic brain) which revolutionized and affected our perception of robots to this day. With over 500 books plus additional essays and articles to his credit it's a matter of personal taste where to start reading Asimov.

John Jenkins has written reviews for a great number of Asimov's books, both fiction and non-fiction, and collected them together on the World Wide Web as Jenkins' Spoiler-Laden Guide to Isaac Asimov at http://www.blueneptune.com/~tseng/Asimov/Asimov.html. I highly recommend this site as a guide to the work of Isaac Asimov.

Note from Hazed: Asimov's Foundation Series is mentioned in one of the locations on Starbase1, Ming's deathstar in Arena Space. Click here to read about it.

REAL LIFE NEWS: DISASTROUS ENVIRONMENTAL PROJECT

You may remember back in 1991 the ultimate experiment in setting up an artificial ecosystem was started with a huge fanfare. It was called Biosphere 2 (the Earth is biosphere 1). A group of scientists built a complex ecosystem covering 3.15 acres under an airtight glass cover, and 8 of them tried to live in it for two years. Nothing was supposed to go in or out so the system remained completely closed, and it was intended to replicate a tiny Earth, complete with oceon, desert, grasslands and woodlands.

But what happened next? After all the puffery of the commencement of the project, nothing more was heard.

Not surprising, since it was a stunning failure. From the beginning there were unexpected problems and surprises.

Fifty tons of oxygen disappeared mysteriously from the closed system. This reduced oxygen levels to those usually found at an altitude of 17,500 feet - barely enough to maintain human consciousness. Carbon dioxide levels shot up so high it threatened to poison the inhabitants. Levels of nitros oxide (laughing gas) rose high enough to potentially cause brain damage. Finally, oxygen had to be pumped in from the outside to keep the brave eco-experimenters from suffocating. So much for the closed sytem!

But it gets worse. Tropical birds disappeared after the first freeze. A native species of Arizona ant somehow found its way in and killed off all other soft-bodied insects. As the ants proliferated, creatures as large as snakes had to hide from them or be eaten alive. All seven species of frogs went extinct. All together, they lost 19 of the 25 species of vertebrates. Before the two years was up, all pollinators were extinct so there was nothing to pollinate plants, and they couldn't reproduce themselves. All in all it was a colossal disaster.

This project cost $200 million. Scientists hoped it would show how to engineer a system that would provide humans with a self-sustaining life support system. Obviously it didn't, but ecologists do say it's provided insights to help their future understanding.

I got this information from an Internet bulletin on environment and health (see below for details), but it actually has relevance to wider fields; in particular, to space travel. If there is to be any future in colonizing other planets, travelling long distances in space, or setting up permanent space habitats, then they are going to have to try to set up their own closed systems to provide life support. The obvious goal would be to make them self-sufficient so supplies don't have to be continually boosted off to them from Earth. So let's hope environmentalists crack some of the problems and gain an understanding of how to create self-sustaining closed environments.

Besides, it's always fun to read about grand designs that go completely wrong!

Rachel's Environment & Health Weekly - to subscribe email the words SUBSCRIBE RACHEL-WEEKLY [YOUR NAME] to: listserv@rachel.org.

REAL LIFE NEWS: EAT MY SHORTS

(Ok, I stole this headline from New Scientist magazine, but it fits the story so perfectly I couldn't resist...)

Apparently, dirty underwear is a problem in space. When astronauts are on long missions, waste is a problem - it's not considered eco-friendly to just eject it into space, and storing it to bring back to earth for disposal takes up valuable room. So the crew have to wear the same pair of underpants for a week or more, without washing them - water being in rather short supply!

Sounds pretty yucky, doesn't it?

But now, Russian scientists are coming to the rescue. They are developing a cocktail of bacteria that will eat underpants, thus disposing of the dirty laundry neatly. What's more, the methane gas given off by the disposal unit could be used to power the spacecraft.

How ingenious!


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