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WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS Earthdate December 2002 |
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WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS Earthdate December 2002 |
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INSIDE SCOOP |
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FATTHINGIES My Workthingies are lazy and overweight. I don't really have any work for them to do, so they lounge around the planet and play with the goods of leisure my economy throws out at them. The only real movement you see out of them was when they lifted their own forks. I managed to get my hands on a couple of factories, but their performance is so poor the factory can barely make its quota of Furs and Woods for its owner to break even in expenses. It's gotten so bad, Chewchicken has started referring to them as Fatthingies! What is needed is a community exercise program for all the Workthingies on my planet; we can all meet on the LP, touch our toes, do jumping jacks and do sit ups until they're all back into shape and eager to work. What a great way to work off the extra pounds from Thanksgiving! Hold on a minute. There's a surgical alternative for this? But it'll cost too much money. Wait, I own the hospitals. Life is good.
ANOTHER
DEADLINE So another deadline sits marked in huge red letters on my calendar. Distressed, I realize I have nothing to write about! It seems that the entire populace of Fed has run out of opinions! Not only have they run out of opinions, I think that most have set their ships on auto pilot as they run off to celebrate holidays of differing varieties. This makes it very hard on me, your favorite (or not so favorite) NewsDroid to come up with something witty to discuss. Okay, let's face it, I have nothing to discuss - witty or otherwise! I almost bought a spybeam and swung it around cyber space to see what kind of trouble I could cause, but alas, I couldn't find the groats, or a ship. Okay, it was just too much trouble! So I tuned on XTs and Comms, hoping for some stimulating conversation, but none was to be found. I was beginning to think that Hazed did indeed bring over the spy proof room and all conversation as we know it had ceased! I went out to the Landing Pad on Earth, found a quiet corner and hunkered down to watch the constellations and ponder the quickly approaching deadline. The Multiverse can be very quiet at times! Just hearing the sound of spaceships flying too and fro unloading commodities from hither and yon was enough to lull me into a deep sleep. I slept fitfully for some time and then awoke with a start. An eerie glow was coming from the direction of the Cantina and there were sounds of a magnificent party. Cottonmouth had indeed taken control and I was dying for a good fizzy drink, and let's be honest, my NewsDroid senses had shifted into overdrive. I hadn't seen more than two people in the Cantina in longer than I could remember. When I got to the ‘Tina, there was indeed a huge party! It was as if everyone in the Multiverse had set aside their differences and was there to celebrate the induction of a new emperor or something of equal importance. I walked from group to group greeting friends and acquaintances, asking what all of the fuss was about, but no one seemed to really know. Drinks were flowing freely and everyone was having such a fabulous time that I decided to join in all the fun. At the stroke of midnight, everything changed. Darkness overtook the Cantina and moods swiftly changed. As the bell tower chimed down to the 12th bell, suddenly everyone ripped off their faces and no one was who they said they were. I awoke sweaty and frantic and looked around feverishly. Thankfully, I was still on the Landing Pad on Earth and ships were gliding by in the darkness. I took off to the Cantina, but no one was there and there weren't signs of a party. I read the boards and didn't find anything unusual or out of the ordinary. Relieved, I ordered a pink fizzy drink from the bar droid and went to pondering my next article.
It's hard to soar with eagles when you are a turkey. I'm not used to an animal getting more attention than me, and just prior to Thanksgiving the turkeys were drawing far too much notice for this hound. Finding the situation both unacceptable and irreversible, I applied my Icedrake-given talents to uncover an alternative. The only one my meager brain could come up with was to turn myself into the Bird of the Season. I haggled at the marketplace on Earth and exchanged a bit of flea-bitten mangy fur for a few tail feathers, stole one of Hazed's red socks and fastened it over my head and ears, and practiced walking on hind legs flapping my front paws in a wingish manner. The gobble sound was a little tough, but I simulated the effect by barking with a mouthful of medium-sized stones. I stumbled around Sol rock-squawking and tossing my sock. Some adventurer gave me a string of yellowed pearls, a trader tossed me a luncheon voucher, and a smart mouthed baron handed over the TDX. The pickings just weren't what I expected and each donation was accompanied by a round of cursing when I gobbled a ‘thank-you' instead of contributing groats in return. The strangest were the people that kept trying to give me a cornbread enema, wrap me in foil, and light a fire under my butt. By the end of the day I wasn't walking too well and all my new tail feathers had completely singed off. The red stocking slipped down over my eyes and I couldn't see the low fuel warning pop up my console, resulting in repeated crashes back to the Mars LP. For the past few days I've been grounded on Mars chewing on my sock instead of feasting with the locals. I've listened to the comm channel chatter about what people are thankful for – friends, family, alcohol and members of the opposite sex. I've had lots of time to consider what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful that Hazed just washed this sock.
THE
BRIGHTEST PLANET For many Christmas is a time of giving, visiting family, and for some it's about receiving and getting the biggest present that'll fit under the tree. For me, it's about seeing how bright I can get my planet; how many times I can overload my power plants; and proving that not only can a black hole suck up light, but you can clog one up too! The Workthingies work around the clock putting lights over everything, under everything, and through everything. They even wear lights! The result is breathtaking and, if you're not wearing proper eye protection, sight-taking. In the past the display did annoy neighboring systems, but they couldn't do much about it as their ships were overpowered by the vast amounts of light. At one point, however, a problem did arise: fuses. The little buggers that come with the lights can barely even handle themselves. Fortunately, there was a heating problem on Providence due to so much electricity being drawn from the power plants. Engineers pulled out the fuses and bypassed them with old, broken guitar strings. Providence became a summer escape for Christmas in less than a minute. Complaint reports will be coming in from all over: "Turn off your lights!" "My citizens are all blind." "People are beginning to wonder if you really do have a problem keeping chili dogs down, Chewbacon." At least, that's what I'm told they say. Each time we open one of the complaints up to read it the light makes the ink fade into nothing in an instant. To all the planets that are angry over the matter: on the first second of December 26, I'll shut off the lights. Until then: I have more lights than you!
FED IN
LOVE OR LOVE IN FED I'm curious. Perhaps most of you knew that about me, or made a logical deduction, but for those of you a little slower, now you know. So I've been back for sometime now and have only seen or heard of three weddings since my return. Tiz and Emcee, Gypsy and Brithbigguy, and Satine and Captdmg. So I'm curious, is love in Fed still a big deal? Or are there others of you out there who are in Fed Relationships and have either been Fed Married for sometime or decided that Fed Marriage is overrated and it's more fun to love more than one? Fed Relationships have always been curious for me. I can understand that it's just our nature, human, animal or alien, to find someone with whom we want to spend our time. More often than not, feelings of friendship can quickly turn to more romantic feelings. It seems a logical progression of life everywhere we go. But in the Multiverse there are so many different qualities that present themselves. In a world of fantasy, I suppose it's the perfect progression that one would be able to find the PERFECT fantasy mate. But does fantasy ever cross the line? Understanding that the Mulitverse is a world of its own, how do most, when they leave their perfect mates for the evening or day, find the reality of the situation? Are we successful at separating the lines or do they blur over into menial tasks that we must encounter everyday when we are away? I'm not quite sure how to answer this question. I suppose it depends on the reasoning for your Fed Relationships. It's been my experience to find the Multiverse a place of relaxation and escape. So many fascinating personas exist and even those who I despise, I love to hate them. Then there are those that I look for and when they aren't around, I long for them to return so I can share a laugh or a story. I think I would be sad if anyone that I had met were to leave. For each and every person leaves a mark on my soul. Even if they make me angry, more likely than not, I find myself pondering their position and learning more about myself or others by looking at their point of view. I don't know how this crazy thing works, but it does. Maybe that's what it's all about: meeting people, learning about them and yourself, opening yourself up to other possibilities. Maybe it's not just about hauling or reaching the next rank. Maybe -that- is the end game. Would you like to share your Fed Relationship story with me? If so, please send me an email with your story and it will be featured in an upcoming article.
MARTIAN PROCLAMATION TO THE PEOPLE OF FEDERATION The Federation Chronicle is proud to present the full text of a Martian Proclamation to the people of Federation DataSpace that first appeared in the Starship Cantina on Earth a few days ago. An official response from the Galactic Administration is expected any time between now and the end of the universe. --- In the Name of Zug (our god), the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful, "Permission to fight (against Earthlings) is given to those (Martians) who are fought against, because they have been wronged and surely, Zug is Able to give them (Martians) victory" [FedManual 2:9] "Those who believe, fight in the Cause of Zug, and those who disbelieve, fight in the cause of Ming (any leader other than Mars). So fight you against the friends of Ming; ever feeble is indeed the plot of Ming."[FedManual 4:51] Some Baron writers have published articles under the title 'Why are the Martians attacking our past in Horsell' These articles have generated a number of responses, some of which adhered to the truth and were based on Martian Laws and Customs, and others which have not. Here we wanted to outline the truth - as an explanation and warning - hoping for Mars' reward, seeking success and support from Him. While seeking Zug's help, we form our reply based on a single question: Why are the Martians fighting and opposing us? The answer is very simple: (1) Because you attacked us and continue to attack us. (a) You have abused and disabled the power distribution network in our ruins on Mars for your own purposes, disrupting our ability to maintain our present-day underground civilization. Imagine every location in your life unlit due to someone's meddling with delicate technology. (b) You have destroyed our ruins on numerous occasions. Not a year has gone by where an innocent Martian child that has wandered to the ruins hasn't been killed by foolish people that haven't a clue what they're dealing with. We consider the allowance of such rampant stupidity to be a form of genocide as this restricts our procreation and continuance as a species. This is considered, under our laws, as an act of war and a Crime Against Martians. Sidenote: Expect a letter from the Galactic Criminal Court (GCC) very soon. (c) You have continuously defiled our sacred altar by luring newbods into it with the hopes that they'll find the GM or some puzzle object. Again, you have unjustly killed Martian citizens who were only practicing their choice of religion under the altar. (2) These tragedies and calamities are only a few examples of your oppression and aggression against us. It is commanded by our intellect that the oppressed have a right to return the aggression. Do not await anything from us but temporal war, resistance and revenge. Is it in any way rational to expect that after the Galactic Administration has allowed the attacks on us, that we will then leave it to live in security and peace?!! (3) You may then dispute that all the above does not justify aggression against Horsell civilians, for crimes they did not commit and offenses in which they did not partake: (i) In your society, the willing citizens of the Galactic Administration are the ones who pay the taxes which fund the continued attack on us and support your leader, Ming the Merciless. So the ranks of Fed are the ones who fund the attacks against us, and they are the ones who oversee the expenditure of these monies in the way they wish, through their lack of revolt against the current administration. Thus the galaxy has chosen, consented to, and affirmed their support for the oppression of the Martians, the occupation and abuse of their land and property, and continuous killing, torture, punishment and expulsion of Martians. (ii) This is why the people of the galaxy cannot be innocent of all the crimes committed by the administration and upper ranks against us. Vanxer, the Almighty, legislated the permission and the option to take revenge. Thus, if we are attacked, then we have the right to attack back. Whoever has destroyed our ships and planets, then we have the right to destroy their ships and planets. Whoever has stolen our wealth, then we have the right to destroy their economy. And whoever has killed our civilians, then we have the right to kill theirs. Being a temporal species, this includes the ability to wipe out your civilization in the past. You are not safe at anytime or anywhere. The Martian people that were able to destroy other evil Empires like yourself; the people that reject your attacks, wish to remove your evils, and are prepared to fight you. You are well aware that Martian society, from the very core of its soul, despises your haughtiness and arrogance. If you refuse to listen to our advice, then be aware that you will lose this conflict. This is our message to the citizens of the galaxy, as an answer to theirs. Do they now know why we fight them?
THE END
IS NEAR! Fellow Fedders, it has been a long two and a half years for me in DataSpace. I've seen a lot of things happen from fights on 9 to fights in bars. All things come to an end, however. Next week's article will be my last and my last day of Fed life will come soon after. Until then, I've made a list of tasks, with time permitting, to be completed before I give my farewells: 1. Go to each bar in Sol and buy a
round of drinks for people. Some of these I am doing merely out of curiosity, so if anyone has already done something please tell me about it. [Editor's note: The answer to number 13 is: none of them. I do not advise experimentation!]
THE
MULTIVERSE'S NEWEST VILLAIN?? There has been a lot of dying going on in the Multiverse. It seems to be accomplished at the hands of one man. Ron. Haulers everywhere fear him, and he seems to have gained his notorious reputation the good old fashioned way: earning it! I entered the Starship Cantina to gather information. Starship Cantina Batty Dataspace Navigator Vlad is
here. Mystrynewzdroid winks So what do you think? Is Ron a villain??
CHEZ DIESEL PATRONS DISRUPTED BY EXPLOSION Last week, an explosion rocked Chez Diesel (Social Centre of the Solar System) on Mars. The explosion tore through the three floors of the building housing Chez Diesel, leaving nothing but rubble and dazed personas. Although most of the customers in the exclusive bar were spared death, their wardrobes were summarily ruined by spilled drinks and the heat of the explosion! A newsdroid arrived almost immediately to find Freya perusing the rubble with the fluffy white tail of her bunny suit completely singed off! As emergency crews responded, Nightdroid, still holding his full, unsmudged glass of refrigerants, was freed from being trapped under the tremendous weight of an unconscious Diesel. Diesel had been entertaining a customer upstairs when the explosion occurred causing her entire boudoir to land on the bar below and her on Nightdroid! Two Chez Diesel regulars: Xyli and Cen came out with only a few bumps and bruises. Ms. Priscilla's clothes turned against him as his latest fashionable frock of freeze-dried fruitcake was melted by the heat, and he found himself in a rather fruity and sticky situation that he did not enjoy! The two true victims of the explosion were Freya's fabulous black 5" heels. Upon arrival, medical droids immediately rushed the heels to the Casualty Ward on Earth for emergency surgery. In the meantime, Freya has been seen gliding and squishing across Federation Dataspace in a pair of red vibrating jelly heels from Doctor Fogg's Marital Arts Emporium. The pianist was mortally injured but no one really cared; he was quickly replaced by another workthingie from the Venusian mines. Chez Diesel was quickly rebuilt by Slarti's and the clientele quickly returned. Diesel's bouncers have been instructed to be extra cautious in allowing any galactic riff raff in and are now performing random security checks making the queue for entry stretch all the way to the Mars spaceport. The Galactic Administration refused to issue an official statement. Anonymous sources, however, laid the blame on Ming's Imperial Fascist Bully Boy Death Squads who are notorious for a string of violent incidents stretching back to the mists of the DataSpace's founding. After a bit of searching, the press found Diesel's customer that had been with her in the infamous boudoir. From his hospital bed, he commented that while he had received excellent medical care, it was the smell of burnt marsmetal that actually revived him. The Federation Chronicle will endeavor to provide the most up to date news on the situation as it develops further.
Christmas preparations have begun in earnest all around DataSpace. The marketplace on Earth is humming with activity, the mansion is lit up brighter than the face of an trader returning downstairs at CDs, and a fruitcake rumored to have begin life during GEnie Fed has once again started circulating among the newsdroids and nav staff. Even Sol has uncharacteristically adopted the spirit of the season as residents break into unexpected chorus proclaiming love and brotherhood. I've been busy digging up and fetching trees destined for decoration around the galaxy. There have been light strings to tangle and cookies to steal, and it seems like every adventurer roaming Earth wants to see how I look with pipe-cleaner reindeer horns strapped to my head. Many planet owners in Fed seem to have been visiting the workbench lately with visions of sugarplums and promises of finished masterpieces on the way. I've taken the time off to refine my own Christmas list and mail it off to Santa. It's short and sweet this year; I want a time machine and my own personal set of female poodle triplets. If Santa brings me either I'll be a happy pup. I hope each of you has a peaceful and joyous holiday season, and greet the New Year with renewed hopes for the future.
THE
END IS HERE I didn't do any of the things on the list I wrote last week. One of them Hazed fulfilled for me, so learning for myself and getting locked from Fed wasn't necessary. With Christmas near, I'm looking forward to it being over. And with the end of the year near, I'm looking back at everything I've done in the past year: I didn't keep my resolution, my planet never did get finished, I haven't filled my deficits once, and I didn't help a newbie all year. Come to think of it, I cannot even think of one notable thing I've done all year beside sit on my furry rump and listen to the inane chatter on 9. Last year consisted of frantic surplus and deficit hauling, exchange tweaking, and carefully selected factories just to make a groat and return to the rank of Baron. As far as Christmas goes, I have a short list:
Oops, I just noticed I'm almost out of Tang:
If the list above is completely fulfilled, I'll have more time to sit on my rump rather than searching for them, begging Galactic Administration for some of them, etc. The majority of the gifts will be used at any New Year's party I may attend: Spy-proof room to insure privacy, Dancing Space Monkey for entertainment, the Orangutan DJ for music of course, Spank-ray for stuff, Interplanetary Ballistic Missiles for nailing whatever planets the party animals want to annihilate, and Tang for delicious drinks. What better way to leave Fed than drinking spiked Tang and blowing stuff up in the privacy of a spy-proof room? It would certainly be difficult to leave DataSpace with a night like that, though it feels difficult enough. My weeks will be different without procrastinating to write an article for the Chronicle. I'm no good at lengthy farewells, so I'll end here: Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and so long, readers.
HOLIDAYS!! So it's that time of year… Yippee! The Holidays are upon us in full force. It's where we get to run into each other's ships in a great hurry to buy up the new "in" presents to prove to someone how much they mean to us. Now, I have a confession to make. I am the worst procrastinator in the history of the multiverse. I hate trying to figure out what to buy for those I love, like, abide and detest proving that they've been on my mind throughout the year. So here I find myself, on the eve of the last days of shopping and my ships holds are empty. No presents here for anyone. I jumped in my ship and hoped against hope that all the presents hadn't been found in ToyLand. At least I could then take what I could get and make up a story to go along with them to prove my thoughtfulness. So I programmed the route and off I went. >j sol Solar system interstellar link >j toyland CURSES! The gods are against me!! How, oh HOW can Toyland be closed at this time of the year!! Hmmm... Maybe the NorthPole is open for business… >di northpole YIKES! Now what? Where is that Santa Claus when I need him?? Of course, he had that awful sleigh accident last year, wonder if the ole boy is still around. SPYNET REPORT: Subject Santaclaus SPYNET REPORT: Subject Santa Well, neither of these old coots will do me any good either. Well, there's only one way to handle this, early vacation! I program my route to Horsell where I'm sure that no one can find me via email or tb and hit hyperspace. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanza, whatever you celebrate, may you have (or have had) a safe and happy holidays.
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