WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS
Earthdate December 2003


OFFICIAL NEWS


FED FUNNIES


INSIDE SCOOP


What was in December 2003's Inside Scoop:

THE BUZZ
QUIET MUSINGS
ALSATIAN'S CRASH JOURNAL
THE BUZZ
THE GREAT X-METALS CONSPIRACY
THE BUZZ
DEAR BUBBA
ALSATIAN'S FED II FACTS

THE BUZZ
MysteryNewsDroid@Hotmail.com

Silence. Who said silence is golden? All I know is that it's black. Empty like a rift in the multiverse. Lonely. For the past week all I've known is silence. I would wake daily, plug in my comm unit and nothing. No chatter about who is seeing whom. No tidbits about the Wolfpack Duke and his harem. No notices for fighting events. Nothing. Void. What was Galinfenner up to? Had he gone back to the kilt or was he still borrowing leather from Felina's closet? And what was she going to do when she found out that her whips and thigh high boots were missing? What about the Fishy one? Was he getting enough cheese? Was Duchess Sallyanne still collecting her allowance from her self appointed dad, Duke Ops? Where were the Czarina and her trouble making duchymates? Was Xyli with child again? Had the green saint returned? So many questions and yet no ready answers. So this week, I have a request of you. What did you do when the lights went out in Federation? Email me and let me know at MysteryNewsDroid@hotmail.com. Winning entries will get a prize.

~*~

Until next week, make DataSpace your playground. I'm always watching!

QUIET MUSINGS
by Tarlcabot

I got into a discussion the other day with another player, about which rank in the game is the most ‘powerful'. The discussion was interesting, because of the conclusions I was forced to draw in thinking it over. In the past, when one could play Fed for free on AOL, there were times when there were 700-800 players online at any given time. This certainly created a vastly different social and game mechanics dynamic then, than exists now. Back then it could be argued that the highest rank – a ducal rank – was indeed the most powerful. But times change, and so does the dynamics of Fed. I would submit that – as the game stands today – Explorer is the most powerful rank in Fed.

I arrived at that conclusion, by essentially starting at the top, and eliminating the ranks as possibilities, working my way down. The ducal rank is set up in such a way that the Duke/Duchess relies heavily on the collective planet owners that comprise the membership of his/her/its duchy. When there was a plethora of poor people feverishly working their way up the ranks, a Duke could be selective, and – if wise in considering who to allow into His duchy – could create a very powerful group of individuals that were all very active in working and socializing within the game. However, in today's Fed, the supply of poor people – and thence, of potential planet owners – has dwindled to the merest of trickles. It is the sad but true case, that ducal types are brought to the point of pouncing on any new planet owner as a potential member, and being forced to hope that if the new PO decides to join, that he will be a good, active member. Now granted, a Duke could be patient and try to build a duchy as of old, by still being selective, but it is not an exaggeration to say that it would be an effort of months, if not years, before he could build up a decent membership of POs that share his ideals.

So what of planet owners? I am taking the group, Squires through Barons, as a whole. Leaving the purely social aspects aside, they are mainly concerned with their exchanges, and making them produce the greatest amount of groats in the shortest possible time, that they may buy their next requisite builds. They are little better than glorified traders and haulers, with the only essential difference being that they are working in the interests of the exchange they happen to own, rather directly for their own pocketbooks. Think about how a PO conducts his business... he buys commodities and hauls them in (usually himself, as poor haulers are few and far between) to fill ‘defs' in the hopes that his planet will reward the effort, by buying the defs at a profit. He also takes his excesses and hauls them out, to trade on other exchanges. It's your basic trader, with different motivation, and slightly different mechanics of operation.

So let us look at Explorer. The intrepid Explorer has darn near every benefit of the PO, yet amplified, in many degrees. When he buys a commodity, he buys them, 75 tons at time, as does a PO. He is not limited to just one 20-bay warehouse, but may have 10 of them. And yes, I know that there is a limitation on the size of the bay he can build, but think about it. When does a PO ever need to build a bay larger than a ship's cargo bay in size, except when preparing to do a build? Given that the Explorer intends to stay an Explorer, he will never have need of such capacity. The Explorer can remotely buy, to fill his warehouses... something the PO can only do from his own planet. The Explorer also, very importantly, can still own and operate factories while trading. The Explorer is likely the most flexible trader in all of Fed... and isn't trading the focal point of the game?

But some would argue that there is a social aspect that attracts players. That, to some, trading doesn't matter at all. Fair enough, each has his own likes and dislikes. However I would argue that even in a social aspect, the Explorer excels above the other ranks – where rank becomes an aspect of socialization, in Fed. Consider... when a new company owner arrives in Fed, what happens these days? A virtual ‘bidding war' ensues, with planet owners practically begging to give high-profit factories to the CEO. Oftentimes, incentives to choose to build on their planet are thrown in (such as reimbursing the CEO for the cost of the factories). If an Explorer were to so choose to remain an Explorer, he could build factories, let them run on a planet, until the planet promotes and moves on. After which, he can sell off the facs, and move to help yet another planet owner in the same way, indefinitely. That affects a mechanic of the game – the trading aspect – but don't try to tell me that doing so would not make the Explorer a very popular guy... I will laugh you right off of my landing pad.

Well I have run very long-winded in this article, and I haven't even gone into the darker aspects of why Explorers wield the most power in the game, in my opinion. Perhaps I will save that for another article. I am keenly interested in what others may think, about the subject, so if you see me flying about the galaxy, throw me a TB, maybe we can hit up the nearest pub, have a drink or two, and chat...

ALSATIAN'S CRASH JOURNAL
By Fed's Canine Rabid Reporter, Occasional Planet Reviewer, Permanent Resident of the Doghouse, and Keeper of the Crash Journal

Crash Day -14
Meeting with Hazed. Gathered all mobiles able to travel to Mars and faced off with the demi-goddess just after maintenance shutdown. Topic: holidays for mobiles.

For years the demi-goddess has granted short breaks now and then for newsdroids and event hosts, but as the winter season of celebration starts to draw near the mobiles are once again muttering about her lack of consideration for those who, day in and day out around the clock, have to continue to discharge their duties in Sol. They walk up and down the streets, they guard doors, and they wobble and tingle and scratch on command for any DataSpace citizen that happens to wander by. This morning they've collected together to once again petition Hazed for just one little day of relief.

Befitting my status as a former mobile who auto-insures, I'm elected to plead their case.

The meeting was brief, resulting in all the mobiles having to recycle and me having to use that nifty auto-reinsure several times. Hazed is not gentle when angered.


Crash Day -1
Reality and Fogg come up with a brainstorm. Implementation begins immediately after maintenance in the morning.

In the last two weeks resentment has grown among the mobile population. Every time two mobiles gather in one location there's whispering and plotting. Meetings have ensued in those wee hours when Sol is empty of Fedders, and a devious plan is hatched. The hobo has a little bounce to his step this afternoon and the cleaner is traveling at lightning speed discharging his duties. Everyone is really pumped!

Crash Day
Morning maintenance: the scurry to recycle begins. Plan requires more fur than expected, but Mario chips in. Early afternoon – success!

Even before all the planets have opened in the morning, the plan goes into action. Admiral Katov grabs the first rabbit, I get the honor of cornering the cat on its first recycle of the day, and we both rush to Titan – rubbing fur in the wrong direction as fast as we can. We pop the animals into the Transuranics room and Katov scurries back to catch them as they recycle again.

I left the door open a little too long the first time and scurried out of the hospital.

By midmorning Mario and his henchmen started rubbing grizzle fur to aid our efforts. At noon you could hear the faint crackling of static if you stepped out of your ship on Titan. We were tired, but keeping pace with the recycled animals. My fur was standing on end as well and I looked like a four-legged version of Don King.

By mid-afternoon the what passes for atmosphere on Titan was sizzling. We had sacrificed 18 black cats, 23 white rabbits, 4 grizzles, and one aborted attempt at adding a tinguey (it went in alive but static-free).

Finally the static charges of the sacrificed animals reached a point where reaction with the transuranic materials was inevitable. The heavy steel doors of the radioactive rooms focused the force of the reaction outward, towards the portals connecting the outside world to DataSpace, and Fed was ours to enjoy without accountability or supervision!

Crash Day +1
Mayhem in Sol as mobiles leave their locations! No sign of Hazed yet.

The urban spaceman and nurse have stepped out of their assigned locations and are starting a little romance. She finally looks like she has found what she has been looking for all these years and comments are heard from passing mobiles about how they need to get a room at Diesel's. On the other hand, the cleaner has chosen to stop roving Sol and for the first few hours took up kicking all those players still ghosting in the Cantina. The mood is festive and all seem to be enjoying the holiday!

Crash Day +2
Exchanges still producing – Vega and Pirate have taken over hauling. Cat and rabbit in hiding.

During his kicking spree the cleaner forgot to scrub the notice board and odd messages from the mobiles are starting to pile up. Since few of the mobiles come equipped with comm units the board has become our primary source of communication. It looks like the spaceman has moved on to the secretary and there's an awful tirade from the nurse posted.

All of the ghosting Fedizens are gone by now. The insurance companies have filed for Chapter 11.

Crash Day +3
Holiday in the outside world, our first mobile holiday in Fed.

We celebrated Thanksgiving in Fed by running down every marsrat in Sol and barbequing their little legs for appetizers. The cat, rabbit and grizzle are still mysteriously missing, so the rest of our feast came from the local exchange commodities. I'm not sure what the Vega and Pirate shipped to us for our main course, it all looked a little on the rancid side.

Crash Day +4
Dr. Fogg working overtime. Whoosh supply low.

Crash Day +5
Most mobiles recovered from feast-flu. Pirate refuses to haul to exchanges and stockpiles mining commodities in Arena.

The hospital has been overrun with mobiles stricken with food poisoning from the feast. The miner succumbed to an overdose of Whoosh and we just left him in the tunnels. The cleaner refuses to pick up anything and there's a hazard field of discarded soap and coats on the streets of Earth. The last couple of days have taken away some of our enthusiasm for our extended holiday!

Crash Day +6
Very quiet in Sol, almost like having Fedizens again.

Diesel is starting to worry me a bit, she's stepped out to the porch of her establishment and swings her bat in threatening manner at any mobile that looks remotely male. The foreman hasn't been seen for days and rumor has it that he's locked inside her special rooms.

Someone tried to water the flower with the only container of liquid left in Sol. Repairs will have to be made from the acid burns left behind, but no one is working.

Crash Day +7
Fights erupt over sandwich. Mars is bankrupt, starving workthingies mass suicide under altar.

I'm hoarding the last sugar cube.

Crash Day +8
Air handlers on Titan shut down. Hydroponics lab taken over by aphids, drug cartel makes comeback.

Diesel has left her establishment and is now on the prowl in Sol and striking terror in every mobile she meets. All 250 tons of stock left on Titan expired in the absence of any atmosphere. The emptiness of space is now littered with trash wrappers that the cleaner will no longer pick up. It's getting rough in here, we might not survive.

Crash Day +9

Objects and mobiles no longer recycling. Most have succumbed to accidental or intentional demise, population very scattered.

The only things I've seen since yesterday are the cleaner – who has confiscated the weeble for kick practice – and a very desperate looking Diesel. I've gone into hiding, certain that DataSpace will no longer exist within a few more days. I'm hungry and writing my last will.

Crash Day +10
DataSpace takes a reboot.

Sometime today Bella applied her considerable muscle to the transuranics door and opened Fed back up to the outside world. I was in a semi-coma by then and missed much of it, but reportedly Cptmartin was the first Fedizen through the door – and was immediately kicked by the cleaner and assaulted by Diesel.

Hazed showed up shortly after and, after surveying the mess, once again punted all the mobiles into recycle and me back to the hospital in one of the gap-backed gowns.

Everything appears to be getting back to normal, although I noticed the cleaner still has that little gleam in his eye that means it's ready to kick back. The cat is a little harder to find and the grizzle growling a little more than usual. And with any luck, we'll celebrate Christmas by walking up and down the streets, guarding doors, and wobble and tingle and scratch on command!

THE BUZZ
MysteryNewsDroid@Hotmail.com

Tis good to know that some things never change:

Your comm unit relays a message from Devilish, "Shuddup."
Your comm unit relays a message from Pico, "You shuddup."
Your comm unit relays a message from Devilish, "No, You shuddup."
Your comm unit relays a message from Devilish, "I know you are, but what am I."
Your comm unit relays a message from Pico, "::yawns:: This is what it has come to."
Your comm unit relays a message from Pico, "Quite pathetic if you ask me."
Your comm unit relays a message from Devilish, "Aye."

A disturbing report came to light recently. The Casino on the moon is fixed! After Konig finally found the casino (yes it's STILL on the moon) he was warned by recovering gambling addict, Paul, to beware the fixed wheel.

Your comm unit relays a message from Paul, "You should be aware, the wheel is fixed so you lose."
Your comm unit relays a message from Malikmalik, "It is?"
Your comm unit relays a message from Paul, "yes."
Your comm unit relays a message from Konig, "yeah i remember that from when i played along time ago."
Your comm unit relays a message from Malikmalik, "no way."
Your comm unit relays a message from Zyphr, "Aren't all casinos? ;)"
Your comm unit relays a message from Paul, "you can win a few times but over all you lose."
Your comm unit relays a message from Lazerus, "there is a magnet on the table in that casino so watch out."

After receiving some instruction, all beams pointed to Konig to see if he was successfully beating the fixed system.

Your comm unit relays a message from Malikmalik, "gamble 14000 red."
Your comm unit relays a message from Greyspacewolf, "lol...giving tips now Malik?"
Your comm unit relays a message from Malikmalik, "LOL, He just doubled his money:)"
Your comm unit relays a message from Konig, "does that work every time?"
Your comm unit relays a message from Paul, "no."
Your comm unit relays a message from Jazir, "Definitely no."
Your comm unit relays a message from Greyspacewolf, "nope...you'll prolly lose it next time."
Your comm unit relays a message from Konig, "anymore tips."
Your comm unit relays a message from Paul, "take your winnings and leave."
Your comm unit relays a message from Greyspacewolf, "this from the Malik who lost like 350megs gambling?"
Your comm unit relays a message from Malikmalik, "LOL he's on a hot streak."
Your comm unit relays a message from Paul, "someday I'm gonna have to max out my groats in hand and gamble it all on one spin."
Your comm unit relays a message from Greyspacewolf, "and do what with the winnings there Paul?"
Your comm unit relays a message from Paul, "Good point."
Your comm unit relays a message from Malikmalik, "Quit while your ahead, that's my tip."
Your comm unit relays a message from Konig, "thanx, lol."
Your comm unit relays a message from Paladin, "you wouldn't say that if it was you, Malik."
Your comm unit relays a message from Malikmalik, "Well, I have a problem."

And what were the results of Konig's great experiment at the Casino??

Your comm unit relays a message from Konig, "anyone need any hauling done? I need money, and there isnt any jobs."
Your comm unit relays a message from Paladin, "ok..how much did you lose?"
Your comm unit relays a message from Konig, "i made about 60000."
Your comm unit relays a message from Konig, "lost a bunch of trader points though."
Your comm unit relays a message from Paladin, "ouch!"
Your comm unit relays a message from Konig, "yup."

Ming would be so proud!

A cry erupted in dataspace this week:

Your comm unit relays a message from Lazerus, "were the hell did earth go!!!!!!!!!!"

The good news is that Earth hadn't moved, Lazerus was still inside the Wolfy duchy, and although the WoLfPaCk duke is charming, he was unable to weasel the link for Earth from Ming.

From the files of how not to make points with your fedmate:

Your comm unit relays a message from Netmndr, "Hi Babe :)"
Your comm unit relays a message from Ladyagain, "Babe? What am I? A little pig? ;)"

From the files of what did you do when the stars went out in the multiverse:

Your comm unit relays a message from Ibunyc, "i am suing fed ... do you know how much stresss ive undergone in the last week ?"
Your comm unit relays a message from Scottric, "Lol."
Your comm unit relays a message from Sistertwo, "i know some people have Fed withdrawal. woke up sweating and shaking. ;)"
Your comm unit relays a message from Ibunyc, "plus ... my planet didnt continue to make groats."
Your comm unit relays a message from Scottric, "had the shakes there too ;)"
Your comm unit relays a message from Sistertwo, "i was just so restless, no shakes tho. :)"

~*~

Until next week, make DataSpace your playground. I'm always watching!

THE GREAT X-METALS CONSPIRACY
What ARE They Really Used For?
by Tarlcabot

I am a very good, dutiful Planet Owner. I haul in defs, so my workthingies can consume, like good consumers. I haul out my surpluses, in an effort to make the odd groat or two. Your basic Fed existence. Recently, I stumbled across an odd situation. I had made warehouse bays of xmetals and happily went off, to try and peddle my wares.

Those of you who actually work your exchanges are probably already snickering up your sleeves at me...

Also being a good Duchy member, I attempted to help my fellow duchymates, by selling to them,first - but no one was buying. Next, I attempted Sol. Surely, I thought, someone in Sol was buying xmetals... wrong again. Disconcerted, I began a very methodical search. I went down the list of duchy and was typing ‘c pri xmet' like mad... nothing. So there I was, with 3600 tons of xmetals and nothing to do, with them. I began pondering...

Who, exactly uses xmetals? For what purpose? And, if no one is actually buying them, are they used at all?

I finally decided that I essentially had two choices. Either I could drive myself mad, trying to figure it out, investigating all possibilities, or do as any self-respecting newsdroid would, and promptly brush the problem under the carpet and move on to better things, such as who is splitting up with whom, and which player got the best zing on another on channel 9....

Don't you just love the loud bang that resounds from your warehouse, when you mix anti-matter, with anything? ~chuckles~

THE BUZZ
MysteryNewsDroid@Hotmail.com

Is there intelligent life in Fed?

Your comm unit relays a message from Pico, "Its been days and still nobody has anything intelligent to say."
Your comm unit relays a message from Pico, "lol."
Your comm unit relays a message from Phedre, "what else is new?"
Your comm unit relays a message from Phedre, ";)"

And still I haven't received any entries to my FREE gig giveaway. So what else is new?! I'm offering you a chance to get PUBLISHED and get some groats for that build you've been dying to do, but alas, my email box remains woefully empty. Come on folks! I've offered you a chance to win a contest for best outfit, best thing to do while you were locked out of the multiverse and nada! So now, last chance for a gig: What's YOUR gossip?? Send it in, get it published, win some groats. Win the grand prize win a load of groats. What are you waiting for?

Random thoughts from the WoLfPaCk Duke:

Your comm unit relays a message from Greyspacewolf, "I had to turn down the invitation to BE the stripper ;)"

Your comm unit relays a message from Greyspacewolf, "You might get angry army rangers visiting you in the middle of the night to perform a castration."

Your comm unit relays a message from Greyspacewolf, "Just need a camcorder and a willing partner."

Your comm unit relays a message from Greyspacewolf, "YES!"

Your comm unit relays a message from Greyspacewolf, "phshaw! Who wants to get their hands dirty?"

You know that old tree in the forest question?? Here's a new spin:

Your comm unit relays a message from Circuitborg, "In space no one can hear you scream! True! No one is listening. ::scream::"
Your comm unit relays a message from Paladin, "quiet!"
Your comm unit relays a message from Newbod, "I'll pretend I didn't hear it."
Your comm unit relays a message from Circuitborg, "Now that's a surprise. There is life in Fed."

The planet Remix opened again this week. Rumor has it that the overlord has been missing in action to escape the wrath of his Duchesse wife. Having been blessed with a 24 hour kitchen pass, Farrell disappeared without a trace for over 720 hours causing much distress for not only the Duchesse, but also for her many minions and her adopted father, Duke Ops. Farrell is currently being held in the dungeons of Glenlion until he fesses up about his whereabouts.

Speaking of missing, the Whipping Hostess has gone AWOL. Her closet has been ransacked and Galin has been seen sporting new leather goods. Rewards have been offered and posted, but the signs seem to go missing as soon as they're hung. Even more odd is some prints found around Felina's windows. The prints are definitely bunny-like raising fresh concern regarding whether the bunny Mashimaro has escaped the asylum and once again has not been taking his meds.

~*~

Until next week, make DataSpace your playground. I'm always watching!

DEAR BUBBA
Advice For The Lovelorn And Other Bits Of Wisdom
By Bubba Beeblebrox

Dear Bubba,
I'm bored. It seems that all I do, anymore, is haul in defs, haul out surpluses, and wait for my treasury to grow enough to do another build. Is this all there is, to Fed life?

Signed,
Frustrated Fedder

Dear Frustrated,
My dear boy, you are so far behind the times that it would be laughable, if it weren't so pitiful. Let Uncle Bubba clue you in...

What you need to do is what every good citizen of Fed does – suck up to the Barons and Baronesses that abound in the game, and get them to finance your builds for you. There are so many of the Baronial types around Fed, that there is absolutely no reason that you should not be doing AT LEAST one build a day. My word, I know people that have done 3 or 4 builds a day. Get on the ball, boy! Get to the point where you are a Baron, yourself, and then you can do what REALLY is important, in Fed... finance other poor saps, to get them to a Baronial rank, so that you can share your miseries, with them.

Love,
Bubba

ALSATIAN'S FED II FACTS
by Fed's Canine Rabid Reporter, Occasional Planet Reviewer, Permanent Resident of the Doghouse, and Purveyor of New Fed Rumors

Getting the attention of Hazed the last few weeks has been only slightly harder than trying to burn wet snow. She's been in Chez Diesel quite a bit lately, and of course I assumed it was because she had sorely missed the companionship of her canine newshound.

The first time I saw her I sat politely at the side of her booth, stirring up dust motes with my frantically wagging tail until she noticed me – oh, about 3 hours. She managed a vague wave in my direction, never missing a pen-stroke on the documents she had surrounded herself with.

Maybe she needs some help cleaning up all these papers, I thought. So I grabbed one nearest the edge and scurried several dozen feet away, head down and butt up in an invitation for a rousing game of keep-away.

She noticed my efforts, waved again, and returned to her work without even acknowledging there was a game afoot. She didn't even bother to wave with all her fingers that time.

It was time to pull out the big guns. In my case those big guns are my favorite rawhides, thoroughly chewed until both ends have been reduced to slobbery glue. I dug up my favorite and dropped it in her lap.

The insults that flew in my direction along with the rawhide made me think Hazed must have switched to a diet of sour milk and paregoric, and I got another one of those not-quite-all-the-fingers wave.

Well, if the demi-goddess wasn't here to play maybe she needed some help with her work. I found I could filch papers from the bottom of her growing pile without her noticing at all, and some of those papers really needed my special kind of editing help. In particular there was one entitled "New Fed FACS for Publication."

I helped that document a lot.


New Fed FACS for Publication
Stardate 212907:720


When will the New Fed be released?
For canines, it will be the week before Christmas. For players, it will be released just prior to the Martian invasion.

Will it have all the features of old Fed?
Of course, it could. But many of those features are useless to canines so we've dropped bars, cats, hospitals, board jobs, ranks, planets without trees, the loo on Earth, Dr. Fogg, Martians, political parties, all receptionists, any mobile that carries a tool or blunt instrument, and the Cantina. Commodities will be reduced to only woods and hauling will be referred to as Fetch Sticks.

What can we do in new Fed?
You can hunt for treats to feed the German Shepherd. You can also offer your leg for some loving at any time.

How much will it cost to play the new Fed?
You have to bring an ERS-7 or newer model of an Aibo Robotic Dog with you to start the game. Said Aibo should be sacrificed to the Incoming Players Committee (Alsatian). They are available for $1599 US, or $40 US a month for the rest of your life (in dog years). Groats are not accepted.

What kind of characters can I play in the new Fed?
Female canines only. You can choose among fancy Poodles, sleek Dobermans, exploring Beagles, or subservient Labradors. The Character Selection Committee (Alsatian) must approve your selection before you can start play.

What if I want to be a cat?
You will automatically DD every time you log in. Deaths will no longer be by Arix knife, but will be slow, drawn-out, and a very painful processes. Make sure you deposit your Aibo before you die.

Will macros be allowed in the new Fed?
Only one, the give biscuit to Alsatian macro.

Can I still play the old Fed?
Is there anyone still out there playing it now?


On other subjects, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. If you need some Christmas cheer, check out the Physics carols on IRS (south of the landing pad) or the Twelve Days of Christmas on Honshu (east and north of the landing pad).


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