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I used to have a job working for a theatre company. This was great fun (if extremely frustrating at times) but one of the bonuses was that I could wear exactly what I liked - outrageous clothes and pink hair were all part of the frantic theatre life. It was a bit of a shock when I returned to the "real world". Now I am working in the City and I have to look respectable. No more hair gel! Goodbye leather trousers! I even had to remove the five earrings from each ear... that was a shock; I thought my brain might leak out of the empty holes. For women working in the City there are two acceptable styles of dress: the "decorative", or the "smart". |
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The "decorative" is favoured by secretaries, receptionists, junior office staff and company whores. It doesn't really matter exactly what you wear (although it is usually the latest fashion) so long as it shows off your legs and your breasts; thus mini-skirts, low-cut blouses, and tight sweaters all fall into this category. Male bosses love hiring women who dress in this manner, so it can be a positive boon when job-hunting. Unfortunately it also has its draw-backs, in that you are unlikely to be considered for promotion; after all, if the boss is happy with your work AND has the added attraction of being able to look up your skirt and ogle your tits, he is hardly likely to want to lose you! For women wishing to be taken seriously at work, the "smart" look is the one to go for. This usually consists of a business suit in a sober colour - black is best, but grey, brown or navy are perfectly acceptable. It is the style I favour - since I certainly don't have the legs for mini-skirts and it is a lot less effort than trying to be a constant fashion-plate! It is also considerably cheaper, because while a business suit might set you back a lot more than the latest ruffle skirt, no-one expects you to wear a different outfit every day. Unfortunately, trousers are a no-no - at least they are where I work - which means one has to wear tights (or stockings, of course, but if I start going on about stockings and suspenders I will no doubt be accused of uploading obscene material!) Now tights are a really peculiar item of clothing. Mostly they come in "one size"; unfortunately I am not that one size! More expensive tights come in small, average and large - but different manufacturers interpret these measurements in different ways. I usually go for large (because that is what I am) but I never know until I try them on quite how well they are going to fit. And sod's law dictates that they are never perfect... they are either too big, so they slip down and I have to constantly yank them up (trying to be discrete about it!) and they form unsightly wrinkles about the ankles and knees that make me look as if my skin needs ironing; or they are just that little bit too small and I have to take extremely tiny steps to avoid splitting the crotch (now I am getting pornographic again... sorry). But not only does one have to choose the right size in tights, one also has a vast range of colours to choose from. When I first started wearing tights as a teenager, the choice was brown or brown. They were supposed to be "flesh" coloured - I guess it was supposed to look as if you weren't wearing any - but my flesh was certainly not that colour! The more adventurous could go for dark brown (usually called "coffee") which made you look as if you had stuck your legs under the grill for a bit too long. Black tights were right out. Only policewomen and traffic wardens wore black tights; on anyone else they were considered extremely frumpish - or decidedly kinky! Then grey tights started to become available, and in the summer you could buy white tights - although why in the summer we were supposed to make our legs look pale and anaemic, and in the winter make them look healthy and tanned, I never have understood! Then some innovative person mistakenly dropped a pair of tights into a vat of dye, and realised that tights could be coloured to match your outfit! Suddenly tights were available in every shade imaginable... red, blue, green, yellow, and all of them disgusting! Next some marketing weasel decided that putting pretty little patterns onto tights would be a good thing to foist on the unsuspecting female punter, and we got diamonds running up the sides in stripes. But since tights always have a tendency to slip sidewise these inevitably end up spiralling round your leg, making you look as if you have corkscrews for legs. But even that is not the end of the problems when choosing a pair of tights. What thickness are they going to be? If you buy nice sheer thin tights, they look great but they ladder the first time you bend your knees. If you buy thicker ones which will last more than five minutes, they look like surgical stockings. Tights are not cheap; at about £1 a pair it would be nice if you could wear them more than once before consigning them to the wastebin. Of course, in winter this is no problem, you just buy thick woolly tights, which has the added attractions of keeping out the cold winter winds, and of dissuading sexual harassment at work. The worst part of dressing for work is the shoes. Women are expected to wear high heels. Now it is a little known fact that the reason men like to see women in high heels is because they know that the woman is completely unable to run away! High heels are extremely uncomfortable, they are bad for your spine, they can deform your feet, they make negotiating London's rutted pavements extremely hazardous, but still people wear them because they think it looks good. I cannot understand how women can function in 4 inch stilettos! Watching them walk is a fascinating experience; with each step they take I expect disaster, but somehow they manage to stay upright. It must be an acquired skill, like tight-rope walking. It is certainly a skill I have never acquired, since I have suffered from a bad back for years and have been told not to wear heels over an inch high. Added to that, in my job I have to stand up at receptions and presentations for great lengths of time, so comfort is all important. Shoe manufacturers have a lot to answer for. They don't seem to even attempt to make shoes that are foot shaped. Instead they expect us women to squidge our feet into peculiar deformed shapes in order to squeeze into the latest fashion. For years now, shoes have been made with pointed toes. Why? My toes aren't pointed... are yours? Are anyone's? It is impossible to buy a pair that are not pointed - you can get differing degrees of pointedness, from the almost-wearable to the lethal weapon, but nowhere can you get a pair of women's shoes that have toe-shaped ends. It is also difficult to find anything with less than a three-inch heel, unless you go for plain black lace-ups which even unfashionable old me wouldn't be seen dead in. Then the same problem as with tights... choosing the right size. Shoes are made in standard sizes, so it should all be very logical... I bought a size 6 and a half last time, I will buy a 6 and a half this time, right? Wrong! On the same day, in the same shop, I have tried on shoes made by the same manufacturer, but in different styles... and had a 6 and a half, 7 and a 7 and a half all fit me. Added to this little problem, I have one foot bigger than the other, so whatever size I buy I am going to end up with the right shoe slightly too big and flopping off whenever I walk, and the left shoe cutting off the blood supply to my toes. I am considering putting a personal ad into a magazine: "WANTED - woman with left foot size 6 and a half, right foot size 7, for friendship and shoe-swapping" but again I would be accused of being pornographic!
In the years since writing this article, I have gone back to a job where I can wear what I want - I work from home. There's no-one to see if I choose to work in slobby clothes, or no clothes at all. Bliss! |
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