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"Fat people are significantly less likely to die violent deaths than their thinner counterparts." This is the conclusion drawn by Dr Kenneth E Warner of the State of New Mexico Office of the Medical Examiner, as reported in "Omni" magazine. Dr Warner noticed that people who died violent deaths seemed to be predominantly thin. He looked at autopsy records of 726 people who died by suicide, accidents or murder, and found that only 12% were overweight, whereas in the population as a whole, approximately 26% are on the heavy side. |
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I am convinced that this startling conclusion will revolutionise the science of nutrition. Us fatties have for years been bombarded with scare-stories about the dangers of obesity: the risk of high blood pressure, chloresterol clogging the arteries, heart attacks, strokes and so on. At last we can get our own back. 'If you don't eat up all your chips,' we can tell our skinny friends, 'you'll get gunned down by a homicidal maniac.' Or we can warn, 'Put some pounds on or you'll end up slashing your wrists'. We'll see new warning posters appearing in Doctors' waiting rooms, showing skinny people being run over by trucks. "Gorge for health" will be the slogan. All those dreadful products like the Cambridge Diet and the Wonder Grapefruit Pill will stop being advertised: instead the new health-food will be chocolate doughnuts, sold as accident prevention. The implications are wider still. Insurance companies will demand a weight-test and grade their premiums accordingly: the fatter you are, the cheaper the policy. Stout people will be sought after as airline pilots, to operate heavy machinery, or undertake any other high-risk occupation. Dr Warner says he finds these results "startling". He suggests the following reasons: 'We don't see obese people skydiving or riding in hot-air balloons... the stereotype of the jolly fat man may be true... they're just not going to do the kinds of things that'll get them killed in bars'. While this hypothesis may be true to a certain extent, in that fat people probably bounce when they fall from high balconies, rather than breaking like skinny people, it rather misses the point. What Dr Warner hasn't taken into account is that porkies like me eat what we feel like, when we feel like it, without concern and so feel happy and alert. People who are thin, on the other hand, only stay that way by eating lettuce leaves and drinking carrot juice, and denying themselves such gourmet pleasures as bacon butties. This makes them extremely miserable, and they go around in a constant state of depression. They are so busy worrying about the number of calories in the Ryvita they consumed for lunch, they don't look where they're going and fall under a bus. Or they stick their head in an oven at the very thought of eating yet another pot of cottage cheese. The fundamental rule of nature, which states that things that are fun are bad for you, has just been repealed. This is the dawning of the age of obesity. From now on those of the portly persuasion can stop sucking in their stomachs in shame. High street boutiques will not stock fashion clothes smaller than size 18 (except Crimplene frocks and corduroy slacks). Bus seats will be doubled in size; deckchairs will be made out of reinforced steel. Corset-makers will all go out of business, and a new boom industry will fill the vacuum, producing false stomachs and padded thighs. Women's magazines will print articles about how to "stay gross and keep your man" and suggest ways to put on pounds by eating nothing but black forest gateaux. High-fat margarine will be the healthy alternative to butter. And the sooner these changes come fully into force, the better, as far as I am concerned. Perhaps then I won't feel like a freak as I squeeze myself into a bikini on holiday! |
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