Fed II Star - April 2, 2006

BAR-HOPPING MADE EASY - THE LYNNEA AND ASTERIX WAY!

Zadymka, Honoria, Necrose, myself and Lynnea – the usual suspects.

Take that grouping, add a dash of Robius, a pinch of Jessecka (pun intended – you'll see) and a few others into the mix and you have yourself a "Bridge the Gap" party, where else but the Bridge on Pearl.

Lynnea, tell the good people what our party-goers looked like this time around.

LYNNEA: There was the usual mix of attire at this party. Some wore the ever-popular MOMdescript label.

> ex Zadymka
Zady is wearing the latest MOM Descript jeans in black and a T-shirt that says "Gordie's girl." On her feet are some strappy black sandals. Hiding behind her is her mini droid.

Some wore bubbles.

> ex Founder Jessecka
Covered in pale green bubbles, all the way down to her bare feet with painted red toenails, she smiles at you, tossing her red hair back.

And some that weren't wearing much of anything.

> ex Adventurer Smokey
You see someone who really should know better than to leave home with only his boxers on. But at least the ones he has on are sexy.

Robius and Jessecka arrived earlier, and were obviously in the party mood.

> Jessecka exclaims, "I'm HERE!!"
Jessecka shakes her booty.
Now the party can end, Robius has just arrived.

Well, at least one of the two was. Until she noticed the cameras that is. All thoughts of partying went out the window for Jessecka then.

> Jessecka smiles, "whoa, we have a camera? I love getting my picture taken :)"
Jessecka poses.

My very focused and ethical partner, Asterix lost all memory of our purpose in being here at this point and focused in only on Jessecka.

> Asterix moves in closer to Jess and takes a few more pictures
Robius snuggles up to Jess so he can get in the picture too.
Asterix does his best to angle the camera to keep Robius out

ASTERIX: I um, er... Her bubbles looked very fashionable, and I wanted to make sure we had a good picture of them for the paper.

LYNNEA: And you call yourself a professional!? Luckily for you Jessecka smacked you one. It would have been me if she hadn't.

ASTERIX: That hurt pretty badly, too. Good thing Robius offered me that close-up, though. I got a few great shots.

LYNNEA: Great shots? I didn't see any of those included with the article, are you holding out on me?

ASTERIX: What? No, I'm sure I sent them in, you must not have checked.

LYNNEA: Right, whatever... I noticed that Zadymka had not moved since I had arrived, so I went to investigate. As I got close to her I realized that she was leaning against the wall, taking a nap. How she could sleep in the middle of a party is anyone's guess, but it probably has something to do with that tequila bottle she always has with her. Anyway, I tickled her nose to try and bring her around. Asterix suggested that we should put shaving cream on her nose which prompted an immediate search for some. Jessecka patted down Robius's kilt to see if she could find some there. She did find something, however, it turned out not to be shaving cream. Anyway, Jessecka finally loaned me some of the bubbles she wears which seemed to be just as good.

ASTERIX: I think I remember something about a large can of shaving cream under Robius's kilt, could you check your notes for that?

LYNNEA: Hold on, let me check. Oh right, Jessecka said she had found something about the right size – I don't really think that's appropriate, Asty.

Anyway, I put the bubbles on Zadymka's nose and blew on them gently, which finally brought her around.

> Zadymka says, "all right all right...I'm up"
Zadymka winks, "geesh...girl can't take a pre-party nap around here ;)"

Apparently she had napped well enough as she immediately began to round up male dancers for the evening entertainment. Jessecka gave her approval for Robius to dance again, but that not being quite enough, Zadymka promptly recruited my dear friend and reporting partner, Asterix. Asterix was happy to oblige and began to dance immediately, leaping through the air with the grace of a gazelle.

ASTERIX: That's exactly how it happened, too. I just brought down the house with my ridiculous dance moves.

LYNNEA: Gimme a break Asty, I wasn't being serious. Let's see what really happened.

> Asterix looks at Zady, the color draining from his face
Asterix says, "I.. um... er... don't... think so"

ASTERIX: You didn't have to do that, we could've left it at everyone thinking I'm a great dancer, and nobody would've ever known the difference!

LYNNEA: That wouldn't be ethical. And not to mention, it would be much less fun for me.

So, about this time, it became obvious that Pearl has a pest control problem. A mouse sauntered into the party, just like he belonged there. He brazenly walked right up to me and tickled me repeatedly. I was, of course not in the least bit frightened, and greeted Squeeky warmly.

ASTERIX: If that's your "warm" greeting I'd hate to see what happens when someone you're afraid of walks into a room.

> Lynnea exclaims, "Eeek, a mouse!"
Lynnea scrambles onto a table

LYNNEA: ...

Somewhere around here Honoria made her entrance, and promptly tossed a bag of those suspicious brownies out on the table. Everyone was very unhappy about that!

> Asterix cheers
Lynnea cheers!
Zadymka exclaims, "woo hoo...it's brownie time!"
Boone sniffs at the bag
Necrose helps himself to a brownie.

Well, maybe not THAT unhappy... but sheesh, what is in those things?

ASTERIX: I don't know, but I want more! Though at about this time, it looked a lot like you two might have been fighting. In fact, I have a few scars from trying to separate you that I don't even need to check notes!

LYNNEA: Like you ever check your notes anyway. Oh – nevermind. So, Honoria and I had a bit of a spat, anyone with any sense knows you don't get in the middle of a cat-fight, that's just dangerous.

ASTERIX: Danger is apparently my middle name nowadays, singing while drunk, pissing off vampires...

LYNNEA: Is danger spelled S-T-U-P-I-D?

ASTERIX: Anyway, I rather think I did a great job of bringing you guys back together.

LYNNEA: Ok, speaking of checking notes, let's do a little of that right now!

> Asterix moves in to separate Honoria and Lynnea
Honoria glares at Asterix, "Get out of the way Asterix

But by the end of the night, we had worked everything out and things were just fine between us again, so there's nothing to worry about.

ASTERIX: Unless of course having you two together IS something to worry about!

LYNNEA: Only for you, Asty.

ASTERIX: Well... There was some discussion of a mud-pit, but nobody took advantage of it. What we did all take advantage of was Zadymka's new droid, which brought drinks around to all of us because of the lazy waitdroid staff on Pearl. I think it's the tabi. Everyone spends so much time trying to get them on that they can't seem to concentrate on their work!

LYNNEA: No, again that's just you Asty. No one else has the problems with tabi that you do. And by the way, it wasn't a new droid. That was the same one as last time, that lectured you about how often you call your mother.

ASTERX: Well, she did a great job at training that droid, then. At this point a new friend of mine, Stellaziz came by the party and I told Lynnea that I had helped educate her in the ways of Fed.

LYNNEA: No, we were talking about Bella, and you said you taught HER how to play! How much more conceited could you get?

> Asterix whispers to Lynnea, "I taught her how to play..."
Lynnea whispers back to Asty, "Play what?"
Asterix says, "Fed."
Lynnea raises a brow at Asty and scribbles in her notepad, 'Asty tought Bella to play fed"

ASTERIX: What's the point of taking notes if you can't get anything right?

LYNNEA: If it's in my notes, it's right.

ASTERIX: I knew it, that's the only reason you're around, isn't it? To give me a hard time no matter what I do.

LYNNEA: Hazed did specifically say that was part of my job description, yes.

But getting back on track, Zadymka and I thought that our good friend Globey was being far too quiet. So we wanted to draw him into the action.

> Zadymka asks, "Globey darlin'... care for a shot of tequila?"
Lynnea winks at globey and gives him a come hither look.

I wanted to dance with Globey, but Zadymka hogged him all to herself, which I thought was pretty greedy of her. She does have P.I.T.A., her mini-droid to dance with, after all.

> Zadymka says, "I think Globey wants to dance too"
Zadymka walks across the room and picks Globey up
Zadymka picks Globey up and rolls him across the floor
Zadymka says, "Oops! Guess that wasn't a good idea... he's looking a bit green now.
Here Globey have another shot of tequila... it'll cure what ails ya!"

And as you can see, he was clearly not comfortable with her dancing style.

> Lynnea murmers, "Poor Globey"

ASTERIX: That Globey, he can really hold his liquor. It's impressive, unlike some so-called "intrepid" reporters.

LYNNEA: Yeah, whatever Asty. Squeeky, not wanting to be outdone by the inanimate globe, decided to do a few fancy dance steps of his own. He hopped up on a table and did the wild thing!

> Squeeky starts doing the hamster dance.

He turned out to be quite the dancer and most everyone approved wildly.

> Honoria claps for Squeeky while keeping her balance.
Zadymka exclaims, "Whoa! Now that's something you don't see every day! A mouse doing a hamster dance!"
Lynnea claps her hands to a beat. "Go Squeeky...it's your birthday."

As Squeeky's rendition of the Hampster Dance came to a close, Salvador from the shipyards of Zandzabar showed up to the party. Zadymka immediately began boozing him up and attempting to get free service for her ship. She asked him all the pertinent questions. And Salvador must have had all the right responses, as Zadymka seemed more pleased as the conversation went. Here's an example of their exchange:

> Zadymka asks, "So Sal... do you have lots of lug nuts in your tool box?"
Salvador asks, "I wasn't aware that ships had wheels these days?"
Zadymka winks, "You never know Sal...I like to customize ;)"
Salvador says, "I am sure something can be arranged."
Zadymka asks, "That's what I like to hear...by the way Sal...do you happen to dance at all"
Salvador says, "Nope."

At this point, everyone seemed to become interested in the art of spaceship customization, and began to join the conversation.

> Honoria chuckles at Zady's wit, "Do you think he might have some interesting...err...equipment?
Asterix asks, "I think Zady just wants to make sure it's all the proper...size?"
Honoria nods and says in a considering voice, "Size is important."
Zadymka smiles, "Not necessarily size...more interested in the options :)"
Lynnea ponders some options
Salvador says, "I guess I could install some hyper thrusters for you."
Zadymka says, "Oh yes...thrust...in my ship...yes...exactly where I need it...hhhmmmm."

EDIT NOTE: The rest of this conversation has been cut out due to its graphic and sexually explicit nature. For the full, uncensored transcript, ask either Asterix or Lynnea, and be prepared to bribe with a slithy tove.

LYNNEA: Well, this is where Honoria's ridiculously tasty brownies totally distracted Zadymka, and Salvador drifted into daydreaming about Zadymka's special order needs. I think Zadymka will be pleased with the results of the new ship. What do you think, Asty?

ASTERIX: I still don't think I understand what Zadymka really meant when she asked if I was a satisfied customer of Sal's.

LYNNEA: I think you might still be too young for me to explain it to you.

ASTERIX: Well, after this, Necrose finally made his appearance and talked about how hot he gets under his suit of armor, and the conversation quickly moved to how he'll never dress casually.

At about this time, my notes seem like just a bunch of games of Tic Tac Toe, and it seems like I was pretty good.

LYNNEA: Actually, Asty, you were X, and you kept losing. And by the way – that was MY notepad. I just loaned it to you since yours is still lost.

ASTERIX: These are my notes! How would you even know the diff – whatever. This was about when Honoria started to look suspiciously like Salvador, despite still sounding like herself.

LYNNEA: I'm sorry to tell you, Asty, but that actually was Sal. You just couldn't tell the difference.

ASTERIX: Oh!! Well then I'm glad I didn't invite her over for a night-cap!

LYNNEA: I can't believe you call yourself a reporter.

ASTERIX: These are the sorts of things that happen when your job description says, "Throw parties and write about them." Anyway, Honoria was really drunk at this point, so Necrose suggested that someone escort her to the landing pad so she could fly home. She had a better idea.

> Honoria continues weaving toward the door, "Iss a gonna find a couch on wower level

I found Honoria curled up in the captain's quarters one floor down, but the captain was nowhere to be found! I guess Honoria dispatched him in a truly ingenious fashion!

LYNNEA: Oh, I don't think so, Asty. Just because you and Honoria came to some nice little arrangement about minimizing her level of intoxication, doesn't mean I did. Let's see what my uncorrupted version of the notes shows.

> Honoria lowers her zipper more, realizing it is down past her cleavage but shrugs her shoulders figuring it is fine.
Honoria takes another big sip of her wine, "I hhhhave big mouph.
Asterix says, "You don't have a big mouth at all, Hon"
Honoria leans toward Asterix pouting her lips, "Are youuuu shurr
Asterix asks, "Am I sure of what, sweety?"
Honoria raises her brows, "havvee big mouph
Asterix smiles, "No, not at all, Honoria! Your mouth is the perfect size for your head :)"
Honoria downs the last of her wine then looks at the empty glass, "Okayyyy, isf you saysss sooo
Honoria pushes back her chair and stands swaying
Honoria peers through squinty eyes at everyone, "Gottta go now, k
Honoria looks around the room trying to identify the door and then begins heading toward where she believes it is weaving slightly
Honoria continues weaving toward the door, "Iss a gonna find a couch on wower level
Honoria swings around suddenly and waves unsteadily to the room in general, "Bye folks

ASTERIX: Well that's my cue, we're definitely going to be sued for libel now. I'm not involving myself in another fight between you two. Have a great week everybody, and remember, always stick to your job description, which for me means that I have to keep getting drunk and forgetting to write articles!

LYNNEA: And remember! Just because we SAY we are taking a week off, that doesn't necessarily make it true!