Inside Scoop page 2

THE SUN CAN'T REALLY KILL YOU

Conspiracy Theory Week 2
by Lagkiller

Last week I was able to bring you my shocking news by distracting the editor with massive amounts of chocolate, but this week Hazed announced a ban on all chocolate inside the Fed Star offices. It would have been a simple thing to distract the editor except the chocolate withdrawals made her... well, I think we all know how the demi-goddess acts when she hasn't had chocolate lately. So this week I had to reprogram one of the newsdroids while it was out on assignment to pull a fire alarm and have the building evacuated, thereby allowing me to bring you the truth.

This week we will explore the so-called deadly properties of the Sun. Everyone knows someone who has flown into the sun and had their ships melted and woken up in the Earth hospital. The feeling of stupidity flowing, the shame of having done something so silly, and of course the need to shout out what happened on the comms. This of course is assuming that you had the foresight to buy into the "insurance" program before you set out. The truth here folks is that the so-called deadliness of the sun is nothing more than the insurance company making money off you folks.

I got in touch with some of the ship builders at Jarrow in an attempt to see how they could build ships that couldn't stand the heat of the sun but could withstand atmospheric re-entry. Under a promise of anonymity I got one of the researchers for Jarrow to tell me the real story.

"The principal is quite simple really. All of our ships are built to exacting standards, they can withstand the heat of nearly any interstellar body, including the Sun. It is even listed in our brochure. The problem is then the insurance company would have only a tiny fraction of their profits. We were paid to install a few orbital platforms around the Sun so as to make the companies able to up their premiums. The ships are left completely intact with no trace of damage and then are brought back to Jarrow for a fresh coat of paint so the person thinks they got a new ship. I mean why else would an insurance premium cost 1/1000 the cost of a new ship?"

"Basically the platforms work as follows. First, the ship enters orbit around the sun. The poor soul inside realizes that they are in orbit around the sun and they start to panic when the first platform fires a quick weapons burst into their engines, just enough to disable them but not do any permanent damage. A second platform begins using a pre-installed override code so that we can hijack the ship's visual and sensor array and make them think the outside of the ship is melting. At which point a small ship launches from Pearl station and quickly arrives to board the ship. From there you are moved to their ship where your memory is wiped and your body put in the Earth hospital; meanwhile your ship is towed back and left in Earth orbit. Simple as that."

After bringing this to the attention of the GA I was given the standard form letter that the Sun is indeed deadly and nothing known to man can withstand the heat.

Now to all of you who think that I am wrong becauses people go dead-dead after flying into the Sun, I would have you direct your eyes (or equivalent) to the insurance contract, section III, sub-section b, paragraph 1, which states "Upon any further deaths without subsequent re-insurance, the insurance company will seize all assets and bank accounts of people who die without insurance. This includes company stocks, bank accounts, ships, planets, and chocolate." I knew Hazed was in on this!

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