INNER WORKINGS: NEWSDROID TESTING
by RTG1728
It has been a hectic week at the Star, at least for this newsdroid. Yesterday, April 2, was the day on which droids all over the Solar System who wish to someday climb from the ranks of the humble masses were required to undergo rigorous testing of their programming; this is supposedly to ensure that they are qualified for more advanced work.
This testing was administered by the Galactic Administration Central Testing Authority, and actually consists of two different tests. The first is a general test which measures a droid's ability to do things any experienced droid should be able to do, such as communicate effectively and solve basic logic problems. Your humble narrator took this section of the test some time ago, and found that it wasn't as dreadful as being converted to a hat stand by The Editor.
It is for the second section for which I have been furiously preparing. Separate, specialized tests are given to the poor robots according to their professions. I, for example, will be taking the Newsdroid Test.
Now, dear readers, you may think, "But RTG1728, you are surely the greatest newsdroid ever manufactured. You couldn't possibly be worried about a test of your abilities."
While this may indeed be true, what the Central Testing Authority believes a newsdroid should know, and what a newsdroid actually does in the course of its daily work are quite different things. As far as I can tell from the sample materials sent to me, the test consists mainly of things that a droid working in the real world would look up in the Reporter's Reference Manual rather than store in its memory - correct usage of the words "comprise" and "irony," for example, or how to use correct punctuation.
I will not describe the actual testing procedure, as it is too horrific; this is, after all, a family-read publication. Happily it is all over. Now all I have to do is wait for the results, which will likely take their time in arriving. The Central Testing Authority is very busy.
So what will it be? Is your dear reporter qualified to be a newsdroid? Or will it fail miserably and be sent to the scrap heap? Be sure to read the thrilling conclusion to this story in the coming weeks.
MISSING SLOPPY TICKLES
by Jessecka
During a rousing game of "Tickle Stringbois While He Sleeps", Ferreri and I made an important discovery... where did the sloppy tickles go? Of course, those who played classic Fed know what I am talking about, all those slippery, sloppy tickles and snogs you could give some one. For those who don't know, sloppy tickles, kisses, hugs, snogs, gropes and cuddles were the highlight of a night of partying. This called for a little research. And of course, as always, we had plenty of willing, if sleeping, volunteers in the Lounge.
Jessecka asks, "Let's try it out....who can we tickle?"
Jessecka grins and looks at Stringbois, snoring away.
Ferreri has given Stringbois a cool tickle.
Jessecka has given Stringbois a nice tickle.
Ferreri has given Stringbois an ecstatic tickle.
Ferreri has given Stringbois a friendly tickle.
Jessecka has given Stringbois a firm tickle.
Ferreri has given Stringbois a warm tickle.
Ferreri has given Stringbois a friendly tickle.
Ferreri has given Stringbois an affectionate tickle.
Ferreri has given Stringbois a tender tickle.
Ferreri has given Stringbois a fervent tickle.
Ferreri has given Stringbois a friendly tickle.
Ferreri has given Stringbois a passionate tickle.
Ferreri has given Stringbois a tasty tickle.
Ferreri has given Stringbois an affectionate tickle.
Ferreri has given Stringbois a warm tickle.
Ferreri has given Stringbois a hot tickle.
(Personally, I think Ferreri enjoyed this way more than I did!)
Dunavant wonders why no one ever tickles it...
Ferreri has given Dunavant a warm tickle.
Jessecka has given Dunavant a nice tickle.
Ferreri has given Dunavant an ecstatic tickle.
Ferreri has given Dunavant a friendly tickle.
Jessecka has given Dunavant a friendly tickle.
Jessecka says, "See, no sloppy tickles."
Ferreri says, "Looks like you are right"
Ok, this called for some more, in depth research. I ran to Classic Fed, where I made my first startling discovery... you can not tickle yourself in Classic Fed like you can in Fed II. I called on my darling husband, Djentsch, to travel to Classic with me, and do some field research. Sure enough, sloppy tickles were still there, along with a few sloppy gropes and sloppy snogs, but we don't need to talk about that. We decided to try out a few other things, just to see what the differences in Classic and Two were. Right away, Djentsch discovered a lost command that took him awhile to recover from.
>sulk
You stomp off to a dark corner murmuring about the fact that certain people will be sorry!
Jessecka laughs.
Now it is up to me to try and figure out how to un-sulk my husband, while trying to finish my research in the process.
Jessecka has given you a passionate kiss!
>say i just can't remember how to turn it off
You are sulking, remember?
Jessecka has given you a warm kiss!
Jessecka has given you a warm hug!
Jessecka has given you a tender hug!
Jessecka has given you a warm snog!
Jessecka has given you a sloppy snog!
Jessecka has given you a sloppy grope!
>help sulk
If you're really fed up, use this command to show everyone what a mood you're in.
Usage: SULK
Note: while you are sulking you cannot talk to anyone. To stop sulking, you have to kiss and make up.
Jessecka has given you a passionate cuddle!
>kiss Jessecka
You give Jessecka a nice kiss!
Finally using his head, Djentsch discovered the way to quit sulking, and the real research began - which we decided to leave out, due to the length, and the amount of snogging involved- well, anyway...
So, what did we discover? In classic, there are no tasty kisses, no hearty hugs, cuddles can't be hot, gropes are not ecstatic, no truly scrumptious snogs AND sulking can cause you some serious problems. So, now we must ask ourselves, is it ok to give up sloppy tickles, when we receive all these other, new, wonderful things? That is something you must decide on your own. Me? I kind of miss those sloppy tickles.
Jessecka has given you a sloppy tickle.
THE STATUS OF SCHOOLS
by Kes
As the population of the Fediverse continues to increase, one can only assume that there are children somewhere, on some planet, who are maturing (or at least growing older) and becoming the next generation of spaceship pilots and GA bureaucrats. However, these children are most definitely not seen or heard in our society. We must thank the repressive and most excellent babysitter, the public school system for that blessing. However, with much of the knowledge needed to survive in daily planetary economics coming from hands-on experience or the reading of a manual, what is the public school system's role today other than that of a glorified babysitter?
According to the last published GA budget, education comprises only 5% of the total expenditure of the Galactic Administration. Even that is a large groat amount considering the GA has pretty much the entire Gross Universal Product, minus the amount of the entertainment industry, which is pretty much ignored for the purposes of revenue reporting anyway. Education includes more than the public school system, however, within that budget the schools take up the majority of the money. That's 2-3% of the galactic budget that could be saved if we abandoned the school system in favor of something more useful to today's children.
That something is a system of work programs and job training preparedness in line with the most likely careers of each student. We are a forward thinking society, we should encourage our children to think and plan ahead to the day when they will be the starship captains and futures traders. This will actually help generate revenue if children follow an apprenticeship based system of learning. Plus, instead of robots, which are expensive to buy and maintain, real live humans could be answering the phones and serving the morning cup of coffee.
Now, there are some who might say that this sort of idea is too akin to the problems of child labor way way back around the turn of the 20th Century. "Please, think of the children," they might add. But really, our children are prisoners of the school system right now. We should let them out into the world where they can frolic and play at liberty, as long as they've collated my shipping records and stapled them in quadruplicate.
FROM THE SOCIETY NEWS DESK: NEWS AND GOSSIP
By Lady Lulu 'Buffie' Capturfilingham
Tasty Morsels
Hello again Dahhhhhhlings! Thank you for all the tips I received this week. A small sampling is detailed below. Please keep them coming - I so love to hear the gossip.
One of my sources tells me that a certain Industrialist has been seen cavorting in a quiet bar on Selena. Trust me, though... he is not alone. He has had frequent visits while in this bar from an as-yet-unnamed Trader. What they do in this bar is beyond the scope of this reporter. My question to this Industrialist is... Why be so reclusive? What do you have to hide? Stay tuned for further details.
My sources have also tipped me off to a certain feud that is developing between two prominent male Fedders over a certain female Fedder. This episode is as old as Federation itself and somebody always ends up unhappy. But, I have heard that this particular female Fedder was overheard talking to a friend of hers saying that she is close to making up her mind. My dear, why do you have to make a choice at all? Silly girl!
Also, I still have not received any news about Marcia. And she has not contacted me. I am a bit miffed. Dear, where are you hiding? I don't bite and would love to give my readers an exclusive interview with the fabulous Marcia.
Finally, my sources tell me that the marriage of Maggie and Elijah is still intact. Elijah must have cast a spell over Maggie to keep her with him so long. Something tells me that Maggie will soon have had enough of the most charming Elijah. This might be her longest marriage, so she is treading onto new territory. And keep this in mind: Three more husbands and Maggie will tie the record of marriages currently held by Abigail Wentworth-Parker-Adams-Higgenbotham-Devon-Gambolputty-de von Ausfern etc etc of Ulm. And word has it that Maggie is eyeing the record - she loves a challenge. Who would be next? With the influx of new Fedders, the smart groat says that she could easily shatter the record.
THE BIG DAY AND LESSONS LEARNED
by Jesecka
Shortly before reset on Monday, several soon-to-be Manufacturers gathered with friends and family, eagerly awaiting the reset that would push them into Fed II history. It was a bittersweet morning, as many were saying their last goodbyes to factories they had held since the start of their companies. Full of hope for a relief from the current workthingie shortage, and anxious to start on their next big goal, everyone waited, holding their breath, for the reset that would change their lives forever.
As quick as the reset started, it was over, and as dizzy new Manufacturers begin to trickle back into the game, they began to discover something was terribly wrong... a mix up in GA Headquarters over the new factory restrictions caused several factories to be seized unlawfully. A quick call out to Bella made everything all right in short order, with her assuring everyone that the companies would be credited the money needed to re-purchase those factories taken by mistake.
When things began to settle down, I started to seriously think about my up coming promotion, and where I wanted to be financially when this came about. As everyone knows, I don't like to work too hard, and I really enjoy being a Merchant. You can only do one rank for so long, though, before it begins to get old, and you start yearning for more. Being around the fast-paced talk of the Lounge, with the talk of politics, and wage wars, had put a fire in my blood. I wanted to be a part of this new and exciting thing.
Having already begun to study up on the ranks before me, I had amassed several warehouses of goods to hold until I formed my own company, deciding to store my money in commodities for a rainy day in the future. I also had looked into factory plans, and what I might want in the way of factories, so that I could begin to collect some inputs for those factories, and already have them on hand for my Big Day. I was having some difficulty finding a few of the commodities that I wanted, which seem to be the more common inputs. But, carelessly it seems now in retrospect, I pressed on, determined to store as much as I could that day.
Now, I have always tried to be a respectful Merchant, knowing my trades can seriously affect the futures contracts of Traders all over the galaxy. Not being one to be selfish, I normally check with everyone before beginning my trading day, so that I know what to try and stay away from - I don't want to hurt anyone with a furious day of buying and selling. I guess I have never taken into account that my actions not only affect the Traders around me, but also the Indies and all those brand new Manufacturers. As I pressed on, gathering what synths I could from this exchange, and snagging lasers from another, I began to fill my warehouses with the goods I would need when I formed my company. I was getting goose bumps and feeling so proud of myself.
Retiring to the Lounge for a much-needed rest, having filled several warehouses with the inputs I would need, I basked in the warm feeling of accomplishment. Soon, my feeling began to cool, as I started listening to the grumbling beside me and around me. It seems I wasn't the only one to find the exchanges hard to handle that day. Maybe it was the loss of factories from the new restrictions. Maybe it was just a bad trading day. Who knows what caused the exchanges to be so bad that Monday, but they were. Unknowingly, I had drained what few inputs could be found on some planets, leaving desperate CEOs scrambling, trying to scrape together what inputs they could to run their factories on. As soon as I realized my folly, I begged for forgiveness, I didn't know I was hurting anyone! But the damage had been done. I should have known. Looking back, it is common sense; everything we do is tied together.
So, I ask that everyone who reads this today, whether you are coming up through the ranks, or you have already been through them, remember that what you do affects the lives of everyone around you. With a workthingie shortage, large factories take away from someone else, who might not be able to afford a high price wage to compete with you. When you dump commodities on a planet, it maybe be hurting that CEO that has his/hers/its factory set there to exchange. When you are storing commodities, and you suck every exchange dry, and you do not really need those at the time, that is taking away from someone who might be in need at the time. When you run across the galaxy, buying and selling with no knowledge at all of the contracts going on out there, then you may be hurting that Trader who is waiting on those last 5 points to promote. Channels have been set up for traders, merchants, and CEOs to join, and be able to discuss what they are doing, give advice, and ask questions. Remember, just take time to think about what you are about to do, and decide if what you are doing might affect someone else. I know I learned that lesson the hard way that day.
A WATER-COOLER MOMENT
Members' lounge
The lounge is where merchants and traders congregate in between runs, to exchange news and gossip, to boast about their successes, and bemoan their failures. Noisy but good-natured banter sometimes gives way to more spiteful teasing, or even the occasional shouting match, but any signs of fights breaking out causes the participants to be ejected by security droids.
Off in the corner, is a fixture, unchanged down thru history. Every attempt at modernizing this essential piece of Office Equipment, has ended in riots of men in 3-piece suits in the streets. The Proverbial Water-Cooler. Standing around this can always be found, 2 or 3 CEO's, repeating and/or creating that one uncrushable ingredient, that oils the machinery of every organization down thru history
As I saunter over, I can hear Bill talking to Mary. "How did the changeover to Manufacturer treat your company, Mary?" asks Bill.
"It was a shaky start, wasn't sure I was going to get my shares bought before the market ended, those brokers and their short office hours, ya know." states Mary.
"Oh, don't I know it, I've always kicked myself for not becoming a GA bureaucrat like my father wanted me to be, but no, I had to strike out on my own, attempt to create my own company from the ground up," grouses Bill.
"Still, the new laws issued by the GA have made it possible to control more of my company, without worrying about those pesky investors so much!" exclaims Mary with a note of hopefulness in her voice.
"I wouldn't get too ecstatic, if I were you," replies Bill. "I've heard some juicy rumors from my sister (who always listens to dad) over in the GA Office of Financial and Fiduciary Office, I'm sure you know her, she works with that old hag who runs that office. She told me last night, just after her 4th kid's birthday party, here let me show you his picture..."
Mary visibly shrinks with fear - Bill has one of the worst reputations when it comes to stories about his family, they can go on for days. Bravely, I step up to save the day (and also, I too want to know about that gossip).
"Bill, hey there old chap, what's this news I'm hearing about concerning our companies?" Bill looks up from the 130,000 pic mobile flip-album he had just pulled out of his back pants-pocket. "Oh, heyas John, oh yeah, like I was just telling Mary here, my sister told me yesterday." Bill then looks around, sure that - as we all know - the GA just has to be spying on everyone, no matter what they may claim! "She's saying, they're about to release some brand-new rules concerning Financiers, and we've all been dreading that."
Both Mary and I gasp. Ever since we first got out on our own and chose this as our life's work, Financiers were a dark cloud, overshadowing our futures. We just knew that if that day ever came, some shady character, most probably a cousin of Mario (about whom we've all heard rumors - he controls the black market that handles all the stuff that finds it's way to Heisenberg's W/H) might buy enough shares in our companies to affect the way we run them.
Could this be his way, of laundering all those groats he's amassed? I was about to launch into my spiel on the internal politics and who washes who's hands in the GA, when the one of the commodities droids announced that a new shipment of Nanos just hit the market on Silk.
And as we all have come to learn, Nanos wait on no-one, grab em when you can, so serious discussions of our future will just have to wait!
FED II LOO REVIEW
by Jessecka
Nomad pointed something out to me the other day as we were chatting, as always, in the Lounge. We were discussing maybe changing locations (the horror of that thought, not being in the Lounge, I still get chills!), and one of his objections to moving to a new bar on Magellan was that the Lounge was much more convenient to the Executive Washroom. And you know us, we love those fizzies, so bathroom trips are frequent. Nomad pointed me to the fact that we only have three Loo locations in Fed II DataSpace. How odd. You would think that with more than 15 planets, we would have a few more choices as far as bathroom services go.
I decided that a Loo Review was in order, and to go along with that, some player input on complaints, amusing stories, and some not so amusing stories. So, before going and exploring the Loos, I posted my email address on the board, along with my notice, and waited for those funny stories to start rolling in...
I don't know, maybe the maildroid was on the fritz. Maybe folks don't want everyone to know what they do in the Loos. Maybe no one saw the notice. Whatever the reason, I had to almost drag Loo stories out of everyone this week. But against all odds, I found a few good ones. Here are my Loo Reviews, along with the stories.
The Public Convenience on Earth
Now, the Ladies Loo here was very nice, all sweet smelling and tastefully decorated. When I walked into the Gents' Loo, I was taken aback at the unfamiliar smells and strange equipment. But this in no way prepared me for the Unisex Loo, which is used by aliens, hermaphrodites, neuters and others who are undecided about their gender. Before rushing out in embarrassment, I caught a glimpse of funny straps, strange hoses, and silver contraptions in the stalls, for the various life forms in Federation DataSpace.
Chriff told me of an interesting time he had in the Unisex Loo, when he got stuck in one of the stalls. This is what he had to say:
Chriff asks, "did I tell you the one time I got stuck in the neuter toilet?"
Chriff drawls, "there are these funny looking straps the one of these toilets used for some alien life form ..."
Chriff drawls, "I was dared to stick my tongue out by some 'friends' ...."
Chriff smiles, "did I forget to say it was really cold out that day :)"
Chriff says, "well the left strap caught my boot laces"
Chriff says, "and my tongue stuck to the right one."
Chriff says, "I don't know where those straps have been and I don't want to"
Chriff says, "well there I am hanging up side down with my tongue stuck out sideways to the other strap"
Chriff says, "luckily the organ player from Chez Diesel ... I guess on a break ... came along and jiggled the handle"
Chriff says, "well I fell to the ground .... we were laughing"
Executive Washroom
The top of the line in Loos, this restroom sports a huge marble hot tub, and a state-of-the-art anti-grav shower. I felt really at home in this Loo even though it was unisex. All the odd gadgets that other beings use are kept well out of sight. The bubble selection for the hot tub is wonderful!
This story is great, and the author wants to remain unknown:
"I couldn't wait to go into the Executive washroom! Everyone kept talking about it, and it sounded great. How embarrassed was I when on my first visit there, I got excited, tried to dive into the hot tub, slipped on the marble, and flew head first into the grav shower?? As I floated there, with the water squirting me from all sides, all I could do was laugh... that or cry from embarrassment!!"
The Toilet on Sumatra
If you go through the crowds of people in Chez Guevara on Sumatra, you'll find the last Loo in my review. One word alone can describe this restroom... awesome! Although small, cramped, and yet again unisex, the other features here are great. Hot and cold running water in the sink, old fashioned ceramic toilet, and even auto hand dryers. Fun! Just check out this story from Catspaws to see how much fun!
It seems the kitty has a thing for flushing toilets. One night, while doing AKs, she got distracted by the Loo on Sumatra, and just couldn't help herself. Mesmerized by the water going round and round, Catspaws sent the Sumatra Water Authority into a frenzy, trying to locate the cause of the sudden drop in water reserves. When they found out the cause, they began to make threats.
Catspaws says, "They threatened to ban me from the planet if I flushed one more time."
Catspaws flushed twice more.
Catspaws says, "The guy chased me across the green waving a plunger in the air."
Catspaws says, "I hit the shuttle pad in a dead run, flew into orbit, fired a volley of kitty litter at his pursuing ship, and made my escape."
Catspaws says, "Now when I go there, I wear a dog suit so they won't recognize me."
I did receive a few complaints about the Loos in Fed II:
Nomad says, "well you would think the loos here would be at least self cleaning"
Squeeky writes:
"The main problem for somebody as small as a mouse like me is that the loos are too large!! If they can build something just a wee bit smaller that would be great especially if its a mouse sized loo and something that would let me use it in peace without any kitties stalking me."
Well, I had loads of fun writing this article, and even got some interesting things about using the bathroom in the fountain. (Guess that's where those bubbles came from.) Thanks to everyone for sending me stuff and helping me out.
NEW TRADER CAUSES GAME CRASHES
by Jessecka
With a wonderful sense of relief, I filled my last warehouse on Monday. It being early in the day, I turned my thoughts toward promoting, finally making that next rank of Trader. Of course, we gathered in the lounge for a celebration following the promotion.
Your comm unit crackles with a message from Djentsch, "tremble in FEAR, Jessecka Promoted to Trader"
Your comm unit crackles with a message from Pablum, "congrets Jessecka"
Your comm unit crackles with a message from Jessecka, "hehehe, what is the world coming to???"
Your comm unit crackles with a message from Pollux, "Congrats jess!"
Your comm unit crackles with a message from Ferreri, "Congrats, Jess !"
Your comm unit crackles with a message from Chriff, "Congratulations Jessecka"
Your comm unit crackles with a message from Jessecka, "Fizzies on me in the lounge!!"
Ferreri exclaims, "Party time!"
Ferreri winks, "then class time, followed by work ;)"
Feeling on top of the world, I logged out for the day, to return later on when I had time to learn the ins and outs of tradering. Imagine my surprise when I returned to find the game had crashed in my absence, and I had lost my warehouse full of Tquarks on Selena! Okay, I said to myself, this is minor, no big thing, you can get through this. Many Merchants don't even bother to fill warehouses, and they do fine, you still have all your other warehouses full. But still, the feeling of unease descended on me, and I felt like the worst was yet to come.
Learning the Trader stuff is not easy. All the formulas to remember, and trying to learn how the exchanges will react during the day can be tough. On my first day of trading, I made one trader point. One Point!! I was so proud of that one point. Then I lost it. Easy come, easy go. Well, on my next day of trading, which was Thursday, I had several nice contracts going, and they looked to be good enough to last until game reset. I was feeling good about things again. Then it happened again.
Yes, as most of you know, we had yet another game crash on Thursday, causing a lot of trouble for a lot of people. And yes, all the Traders who had contracts going could be heard crying in the corners of the Lounge. This second game crash of the week got me to thinking, could it possibly be that when I promoted, I messed up something in the game internally? I mean, everyone thought I would never promote. I was happy at Merchant, helping other Merchants, and trying to get 4000 merchant points (which by the way, I almost did - 3934). So, you would have to wonder if I threw the whole game off by promoting.
If it is all my fault, I am sorry... just please don't let Hazed make me a Ground Hog again!
WHAT WOULD SATAN DO?
by Satan
I, ladies and gentlemen and et cetera, have returned.
You may remember the last incarnation of this column where I, Satan, answered all your most pressing questions and some of your less pressing questions. This was, as many of you pointed out, unlike me. I usually don't give things away for free. However the joy that came from helping people warmed my cold, cold heart. I became a changed Fallen Angel. The world of the Prince of Darkness experienced a faint glimmer of light.
I've spent the past several months traveling the galaxy and giving away free favors. For instance I helped Nightdroid become a real boy, then I helped him become a droid again when he was dismayed by the exponential drop in his killing power. I taught hoards of traders how to make nothing but profit by abusing the exchange system. I brought the NFL back to NBC.
That didn't last long, however. Goodness is dull. So after getting the pent up evil out of my system by inciting about a dozen workers' rebellions and kicking the Pallid Youth in the Lucky Seven I decided to return to this column.
So now, without further delay, to our first letter:
When will I win a million dollars? Because I'm running low on money...
Jolia
Dear Jolia,
It's quite impossible to predict a random event such as a contest victory. I can affect the outcome of contests, sure, but predicting the outcome without cheating is beyond even my set of powers.
However it is quite possible to win a large sum of money through other means. One of those means, for instance, is in the futures market. Every time you make a successful trade it's much like winning a cash prize, a prize which you can then use to enter another 'contest' and 'win' more money. All one has to do to 'win' a million dollars is repeat this process until your goal is attained.
What I'm trying to say, my dear Jolia, is that you should stop whining and get back to work.
Regards,
Satan
Do you have a question for the Prince of Darkness? Of course you do. Well e-mail that question and he might, if you're very fortunate, respond to it in this column. If you're not fortunate he won't. And if the question is particularly stupid fire might become involved.
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