 GOSSIP AND RUMOURS!!
by
MysteryNewsDroid@Hotmail.com
There are some exciting stories
floating around DataSpace. I've been taking copious
notes, and here's what I've been hearing!!
There is a certain Diva who is
planning an auction of its fabulous frocks for the good
of the Spaceway Alts Society. Apparently, the Diva has
seen the plight of the wrongly accused and although is
very vocally against finding their real personas, the
Diva is secretly funding their rise to take over the
Multiverse!!
A certain Squire, recently
returned, seems to be heating up the beams across Fed.
Apparently, in an effort to see if anyone spies the lower
ranks, this squire set up an "event" to set
certain wheels in motion. The question is who was
laughing harder in the end? I believe it was those of
higher ranks who were offering pointers and commentaries!
Or those who didn't have a beam and just happened to be
tuned to the right channels!
There seem to be a duo of
Baronesses and a Duchesse, who have yet to be named, who
are preparing to host a Tupperware Party. If memory
serves, the Tupperware Parties of Old were sights to
behold as for all the wares that were displayed. This
newsdroid will certainly endeavor to be in attendance.
Excitement is sure to abound!
Some of the predictions given in
the New Year edition of the Chronicle have been proven
true. Mayhap it's because the person giving the
predictions had ulterior motivations?!
This week saw the closing of
Rainbow in Thorus, but another appearance has set the
spacewaves buzzing. It seems there was an appearance of
Shaver's foe. No word as to whether the appearance was
masterminded by the protestors against the "End of
Rainbow" or if indeed, the appearance was two days.
Seems there is one particular Duke
on a witch hunt. Which particular witch (or warlock) he's
searching for is undetermined. Chances are, he's chasing
his tail, creating his own woes and destroying alliances
in the process.
There is a fashionable Baroness
that has been running around trying to take Diesel's job
at CDs. Apparently a catfight broke out and the Baroness
hasn't been seen in a week. However, Diesel can still be
found in her bar, swinging her bat to and fro.
An influential Duke is losing
interest on 4 gigs that have disappeared from his fat
wallet. Lower ranks with an influx of cash might be
charged for interest to return the principle AND interest
for his lost groats! You lower ranks might want to bury
your extra groats under your LP or pay off your work
thingies.
LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND
EVERYTHING...
by Kblackdragon
It has been brought to my attention
that this is a topic most people find rather dull...
mainly because it involves REALLY big numbers. Such as
the age of the universe, which is some 14,500,000,000
years old... give or take. And that, of course, is
operating off the standard 365.25-day year that our
mother-planet enjoys. That leaves the question: "How
large is this bloody thing, being that old and all?"
Well, my friends, boredom works in strange ways, and I
work in strange ways as well. So that's a pretty strange
way to work, as I am often bored and all. In essence, all
we have to do is find out how many seconds go into 14.5
billion years, and then merely multiply that by the speed
of light (186,000 MPS). So that places the universe at
around 85,110,847,200,000,000,000,000 miles. Basically,
really, really big. This of course, is a rough
guesstimate and any of you who are interested in seeing
how many inches, centimeters, or nano-meters that is are
more than welcome to destroy your calculators trying. You
had better just be really, really bored.
This shows, however, just how
insignificant the Earth is. We sit halfway out from the
center of our galaxy, the Milky Way, between those spiral
arms that actually happen to be large concentrations of
newer, younger stars; also known as Rapscallions, or
Young-uns for short. Our Earth is roughly 24,000 miles
around. That means that, to equal the distance across the
universe, you would have to circum-navigate the planet
(from the equator...no cheating by taking the poles.)
some 3,546,285,300,000,000,000 times. All I can say is,
"Good luck... and I hope you get a shoe company to
sponsor you".
Thankfully, we don't have to worry
about going to the absolute edges of known creation.
Instead, we can travel to our closest neighboring Galaxy,
Andromeda. At only around 2,000,000 light years away, it
measures roughly 11,739,427,200,000,000,000 miles away.
Merely a hop, skip and a jump in stellar terms. Or around
489,142,800,000,000 trips around the globe.
Lucky for you Inter-Galactic
travelers, Andromeda and the Milky Way (that's us) are
hurtling towards each other at 300,000 MPH so as you
debate whether you have enough Frequent Flier Miles, the
distance is closing. One more word of advice, though. If
you're planning on traveling to Andromeda via a Boeing
747-300, keep in mind that the trip will take you about
268,398,268,398 years at top speed, .92 Mach. This of
course, is not taking into effect refueling, de-icing,
delays and deviations from course for those solar storms
that have a bad habit of popping up in the middle of
nowhere, literally.
Good luck on your journey, if you
so choose to take it, and I hope you get a first-class
ticket. After all, if a trans-Atlantic flight in coach is
uncomfortable, imagine a trans-galactic flight! Enjoy
your honey roasted nuts and complimentary beverages!
FALSE ALARM IN CHEZ DIESEL
by XinhuaAn unidentified persona threatened patrons
of Chez Diesel (Social Centre of the Solar System) with
the TDX yesterday. Taking the entire establishment
hostage, the terrorist demanded to speak to the Galactic
Administration to discuss conditions of release. This
request was regally laughed at by Ming's minions who
encouraged the terrorist to go ahead and drop the TDX,
seeming not to care about the welfare of the frightened
patrons inside.
The terrorist did indeed drop the
TDX in the middle of the famous bar only to find that he
killed only himself upon waking up in Earth's hospital.
After a stiff giggle, Diesel's patrons returned to their
drinks, and all was well again in the galaxy.
Galactic Administration officials
do not think the persona was involved in the attacks on
Chez Diesel, the Starship Cantina, Fedruckers, or Mario's
as no trace of marsmetal was found on his persona.
"Just some stupid newbod," one official was
quoted as saying.
LOVE IS IN THE AIR... I
MysteryNewsDroid@Hotmail.com
It seems that the flu bug isn't
alone running rampant through our spacewaves. At first,
many thought that Legolas was riding Pegasus and pulling
bows out of his quiver, but upon closer inspection, it
was discovered to be the naked winged one. Yes, Cupid.
After seeing him fly past my
spaceship, I decided to follow him and see where he went.
First stop was Tarotcard. Interestingly enough, soon
after I saw the Cupid do a fly by, Gypsy had an
inspiration to unite singles in the Multiverse by hosting
the dating game. If that wasn't enough, Cupid was seen
hiding backstage at the dating game and all those in
attendance seemed to be falling for the mysterious
bachelors who were represented there.
Cupid next passed by NorthStar and
I can only imagine what went on with the participants of
Redspice's hot tub party! Next it was to Serenity, but I
didn't see any real effects of the arrows there.
Apparently most were sleeping. Keep an eye out for
aftereffects though!
Armani was next in sight and he
became quite amorous with Flair, who was obviously NOT
hit by one of cupids arrows and fended off the confirmed
heartbreaker with wit and passion. Armani is believed to
have turned his attentions to the other nubile hearts in
the Multiverse which he has not yet broken. However, I
believe the "W" sisters were more than able to
handle him.
He must have been traveling fast
and furious visiting numerous places and people. Let's
look at that bar boards for evidence.
212589:577 - Insomnius: In the
early mornings, mist on the water, sun on the mountains,
you in my arms.
212589:623 - Wench: ::snogs Cnitas::Gropes Armani::licks
Vulture::snog Lobo::tickle Insomnious::gropes
Gwarrior::licks Galin::violates Violator::Strips
TK::kisses Jazir::snogs Thulium::ignites Pyrotech::tickle
Jamel::hug Rip::tickle Embri:: So many men, so little
time!
212589:631 - Frogfur: ~~~~No Place that Far~~~~
Snowlily*****
212589:643 - Valentine: So has cupid stung you with an
arrow? Is there someone you are just burning for? Bring
them to Love on Valentine's day and solve the couple's
puzzle! Who knows what can happen when you are on Love?
212589:645 - Zyphr: Shaver!! YBB!! Miss you much!
I am fully convinced that Cupid has
disguised himself as Valentine, Squire of Love, and will
be hiding in the puzzle to strike the lovers with his
arrows. Hopefully he'll be at the end; otherwise I think
they'll be too lost in each other's eyes to finish the
quest!
As for me, I will be hiding in my
spaceship or wearing my arrow proof suit this year until
this saccharine holiday has passed. There are simple not
enough hours in the day for me to be "in love"
and do my job. Besides, how many people want to hear from
a love struck reporter? Ah yes, the sacrifices I make!
LOVE IS IN THE AIR... II
by Kblackdragon
Yes, Fedders, St. Valentine's Day
is rapidly approaching. Of course, this means picking out
the perfect gift for your loved one, soul mate, or the
ever so common, "Other person living in my
house". Tradition is always fantastic to follow.
Heart shaped boxes of chocolate, romantic cards, and
sticks of butter. However, sometimes tradition can be
dull, redundant, and greasy (in the case of the butter).
So here are a few suggestions to get your loved one this
Valentine's day. And rest assured, they will not be
forgotten.
- Dinner for 3 at Diesel's.
(Just wait until dessert!)
- Heart-shaped Box of Oysters.
(Either on or off the half-shell.)
- Big Mouth Billy Bass. (For
those who enjoy destroying irritating objects.)
- Adult Grizzle Bear. Don't
worry… with Earth's gravity compared to
Mercury's, he won't be able to catch you.
- Half-Gallon Margarita Glasses.
Cinco De Mayo isn't too far off!
- A Pink Floyd. (Found on The
Dark Side of the Moon… near the casino.)
- A gift from Hagar's Music
Store. Kiss your eardrums goodbye!
- Fed Subscription. (Just
imagine being able to settle arguments with The
Cup of Fearlessness!)
- Finally, quite possibly the
most romantic thing in the galaxy… Shredded
Wheat.
These are just a few fantastic
suggestions that are GUARANTEED to provide you with
absolutely no conversation for the remainder of the
month, as you will be getting the silent treatment. And
Fedders, Silence is Golden... and Gold has a base price
of 600 IG/ton. So, if all else fails, you'll be making a
killing in Groats!
Enjoy your Valentine's Day and let
your spleen be your guide.
ACADEMIC LINKS BOMBINGS TO
MARTIANS
by Xinhua
A senior professor of Insta-Lern
Fact-O-Rama University stepped forward today, claiming
that the recent attacks on SOL were executed by enraged
Martians. Pinochet, holding a tenured professorship in
Martian Sciences at the prestigious Earth university,
found that the marsmetal used in all four Sol bombings
could only be found in the core of Mars, the last known
location of the Martian civilization. That discovery,
combined with the recently published "Martian
Proclamation to the People of Federation" Pinochet
says, is enough to link the Martians to the devastating
attacks.
The Galactic Administration made
only the comment that the Martians couldn't have
orchestrated the bombings because they lacked the
resources for the attacks due to their numerous attempts
at conquering Horsell.
THE NEW REPUBLIC?
by NewsDroid 895
The denizens of Fed DataSpace were
shocked earlier this week by the prolonged appearance of
one of the Dishonorable Ones. Not only did the Senator
claim responsibility in the disappearance of several
notable figures over the last few months, he also claimed
that the Senate was now running the government in lieu of
the Emperor.
After a brief appearance on channel
9, the Dishonorable Ashkellion proceeded to make several
planetary appearances, cajoling key "testimony"
from possible "troublemakers" and noting their
names into a mysterious pad. Threats of turning planets
and Duchies into "doggie snacks" were also
heard by observers.
Is this all a smokescreen, or is it
the start of something more sinister? Be sure to check
back for more updates as only time will tell.
MORE GOSSIP AND RUMOURS!!
MysteryNewsDroid@Hotmail.com
The gossip mongers are still
hungry! So much so, that every time Uniquette enters the
Multiverse she begs juicy tidbits. This being the case,
I've decided to print more of the rumors and gossip that
are flooding the space waves.
For all you Monsieurs who have been
panting after the great French lady, she recently gave
out advice for her seduction: "Well I am certainly
not seduced by money. Nice clothes, a great dinner date,
terrific car....but not money :)"
Seems a certain Captain has taken
2.147 groats from a new Duchesse and has left the
multiverse. So much for good investments these days!
A new group has banded together in
the Multiverse. MOOWAT, or Men Obliging Ogling Women At
All Times, will be having their first meeting this
weekend. Please see Vlad, Thulium or Racingnut for more
information. Ladies, surely you all can come up with
something to combat or encourage this phenomenon. Send in
your suggestions.
There has been news that a certain
Industrialist is carrying Ming's baby. Since Ming hasn't
been around for floggings or other sightings, the Church
of Ming is proclaiming that their teachings, once
considered hogwash, are in fact true and valid. If you
need to be redeemed, you should see The Green One, St.
Geiiga for baptism.
The Cantina in Sol has been hopping
lately. Apparently this is the new hotspot for meeting
the masses. The Hopeless Singles Celebrating Black Friday
(aka Valentines Day) will hold their annual meeting on
Monday, February 17. If you'd like to poke fun or meet
one, gather at the Cantina at 8.00pm eastern.
A new trend in the Multiverse has
befuddled new and returning Journeyfolks. Apparently the
Agricultural Planets in most duchies are hidden so well
that finding the link is frustrating the poor people.
The Liberators, a new underground
movement, is gaining momentum. Their goal is to steal the
TTTT from the reigning Serenity. Serenity Sitters be on
the look out. Some are rumored to be part of the rebels
responsible for the bombings in Sol.
New life has found Fed. Mr and Mrs
Penguin have waddled into the multiverse. How they got
here, no one is sure, but an abandoned spaceship was
found near the ruins on Mars.
Promises of Freedom have been
flooding the barboards. Does anyone know what this really
means? And will the Freedom Fighters of Fed allow such a
thing to exist?
New bans are in effect. Uniquette
is forbidding opinions from certain Squires, only
allowing them to state documented facts. Of course, this
Squire constantly breaks the rule. It's this reporter's
opinion that he's hoping for a flogging of his own!
If you find it's late at night and
you're having trouble sleeping, there are now bedtime
stories being told to ease you into a peaceful nights
sleep. Xyli is hosting the current story with rumors of
RacingNut and GWarrior to follow with tales of their own.
HOSPITAL GOWNS THE NEW CRAZE?
by Kblackdragon
In my journeys throughout the
galaxy, it appears that the hospital gown is becoming
more and more the hip new look. Either that or I look at
myself in the mirror far too much. Either way, it's a
good thing. All in all, it appears that buying clothes is
getting lower and lower on the blue-collar Federation
Subscriber, while buying bays of Woods, Furs and other
agricultural commodities is getting higher and higher.
Is it that we have lost our sense
of creativity in creating new, fantastic wardrobes? Or is
it that a lot of people are teleporting into space
locations FAR too much and are thus forced to view
clothing as a large expenditure? Of course, all of these
are absolutely false. There is not an uncreative Fedder
out there, or at the very least, poor. I feel that it is
something much easier to be explained; the draftiness is
simply to die for! Who doesn't want air from that vent
below the controls of all Imperial class ships cooling
them off? It's like a moo-moo, only slightly less
colorful!
Yes Fedders, it appears that you
all are just as creative and rich as ever; just lazy.
GALACTIC ADMINISTRATION
HEADQUARTERS DESTROYED BY SPACESHIP HIJACKERS
by XinhuaA four-pronged attack on the Galactic
Administration this morning wiped out the massive
bureaucracy and military of the universe's most powerful
organization. Sources say that four luxury liners from
Mars were purposely crashed into the most important
structures of the Galactic Administration shortly after
departure. In an attack that made the previous bombings
seem like child's play, Ming's StarBase1, the military
base on Castillo, the military base on Earth, and the
massive office block of the Galactic Administration in
Earth's business district were severely damaged.
While deaths were limited at both
military bases, StarBase1 and the Administration's office
block were not so lucky. Starbase1 and all aboard were
wiped from existence when the hijacked craft rammed into
the space station's main reactor. The Earth office block
was hit shortly thereafter. The office block stood for
several minutes after the crash until the weight of the
upper floors on the damaged supports below brought the
massive structure down in a symphony of dust and death.
An estimated one million personas
from newbods to civil servants are thought to have been
killed by today's terror attacks. From an undisclosed
location, Emperor Ming announced that those responsible
would be apprehended and subjected to the worst torture
possible, Vogon poetry, for the rest of their miserable
lives.
Initial estimates from Slarti's
Construction and Design Workshop for reconstruction of
the damaged areas stands at just one day but without the
bureaucracy able to issue permits for construction, work
cannot start.
We will endeavour to provide you
with further details in the next Federation Chronicle.
IT'S A PIG'S LIFE
While shopping for a new erotic
outfit, I came across MizCindy, a woman who looked older
than her young years and had such a sadness in her eyes
that peaked my curiosity. When I asked for her story she
broke down so badly we closed her shop and went over to
the nearby bar to have a few drinks.
I asked MizCindy what had her so
upset and after a moment's hesitation, she slammed
another Jell-O shot, calmed herself down and started to
tell her story:
It all happened a couple years ago.
MizCindy was a top model for Ruk, the owner of "The
Cats Meow", a classy lingerie shop on Catscradle.
MizCindy had everything going for her. Talent, beauty,
and sweetness that just couldn't be ignored. She was
unaware of the pig that constantly followed her. Watching
her every move. Ruk had seen pigs like him before and was
constantly throwing him out of her shop for sneaking
peeks into the model's changing room when MizCindy was in
there. Ruk tried to warn her but MizCindy would never
believe anything could be that ruthless.
His name... Nasalhog.
After drooling so often over his
slop, Nasalhog decided to make his move. He cornered
MizCindy and started smooth talking her in his sexy
tongue of Pig-Latin. Constantly bringing her gifts in
hope that she would take him to "paradise". He
continued for weeks to break down her resistance until,
finally, he succeeded and convinced her to meet him in
his barnyard. She snuck out of her dorm after the last
bed check and met him for a wallow in the mud. Once
Nasalhog had his paradise he sent her home, with
offhanded promises to send her messages.
MizCindy waited and waited but no
message came. She tried to contact him but he had moved
his barnyard and she couldn't locate him.
Ruk could tell something was wrong.
MizCindy was looking so sickly, with lesions appearing
all over her body, that Ruk insisted that MizCindy see a
doctor. They went to all the top names in all of the
duchies but could find no answer to what was wrong.
Finally, remembering the pig Nasalhog hanging around, Ruk
took MizCindy to a vet who knew instantly what the
problem was. MizCindy had Swine Fever!
The vet was able to cure MizCindy
but her perfect beauty was gone forever. Ruk couldn't use
a woman that was marked with disease. No one would
purchase anything that she modeled for fear of catching
Swine Fever themselves. She had to let MizCindy go.
Today you can find MizCindy, a
broken shell of her once beautiful self, working at the
Exotic Emporium taking any man… or beast to paradise
if they're willing to shower her with gifts.
The moral of this story: If he
snorts like a pig and eats slop like a pig, beware of the
barnyard mud. You just might end up with Swine Fever.
Note from the author: Checks
Nasalhog off her list.
SENATORIAL PLOTS
XT message from Krimhurg,
"<-- Baron for Life :)"
XT message from Krimhurg, "ooh, how about I petition
to be the next Emperor!"
XT message from Krimhurg, "hmm, wont work.. no one
would sign the petition.."
XT message from Gigawatts, "I'll sign."
XT message from Ashkellion, "Harrumph."
XT message from Gigawatts, "For a fee."
XT message from Krimhurg, "weee! A Dishonorable
one!"
XT message from Serena, "Ill always be a
baroness."
XT message from Krimhurg, "quick, hide the women and
children! or at least the sheep! ;)
"XT message from Serena, "afk for food."
XT message from Krimhurg, "so tell us oh
Dishonorable
one, are you fighting the bad fight? any new chaos in the
works you cant tell us about?"
XT message from Ashkellion, "bad fight, and we
senators
have taken over the government ehehehehehehehee."
XT message from Ashkellion, "we have found the loop
hole that doesn't need a government."
XT message from Krimhurg, "cool! someone needs to
mess with my head on a regular basis, this seems to be
the best way ;)"
XT message from Gwarrior, "hm.... interesting."
XT message from Ashkellion, "we got rid of the
emperor, pay no attention to the wriggling bundle under
my feet."
XT message from Paul, ":::wants to see Ashkellion
inform Hazed about this change in government:::"
XT message from Krimhurg, "hmm, the universe with no
government.. next youll be telling me that you all
somehow sent Freya into a temporal nexus or
sumfin.."
XT message from Ashkellion, "What you noticed
that?"
XT message from Krimhurg, "and that Ming is
wriggling under your feet.."
XT message from Krimhurg, "wait, you just hinted
that didnt you.."
XT message from Ashkellion, "*thwaps the bundle
over.... one end and it stops moving, and puts away the
sap*"
XT message from Krimhurg, "who me? I see nothink!
please dont vaporize me again.."
XT message from Ashkellion, "Actually we senaters
ARE the government ;)"
XT message from Krimhurg, "so you must have had
something to do with Uniquette returning as well? or is
that another thing that I dont see?"
XT message from Krimhurg, "lets ee... Dishonorable
Government... hmm.. I see no hipocracy there..."
XT message from Ashkellion, "Awww well I am glad to
see Uni again *just hopes she doesn't become his editor
again......* oh wait, hmmm Hazed IS my editor..."
XT message from Krimhurg, "why not? I personally
miss the weekly beatings.. no wait, I never wrote for
FedNews.. ignore that.."
XT message from Ashkellion, "Ah HaH I was wonder
who....... Nevermind."
XT message from Krimhurg, "it was the kitten, I
swear... bad kitten, bad.. no ouch, dont claw me!"
XT message from Krimhurg, "help.. kitten attack!
eep! okay, okay, it was all me.."
XT message from Ashkellion, "uh Huh..... *makes a
note to send investigators*"
XT message from Cnitas, "Hello Ash! Nice to meet
you."
XT message from Krimhurg, "eep, please not him too!
not both.. now I did it ::cowers::"
XT message from Ashkellion, "I bet you are
responsible for my missing ahh, predecessor..... *makes
another note to break out the flogging stocks*"
XT message from Skeletor, "Wait....Ashkellion's a
cat?"
XT message from Krimhurg, "no, I have a pet kitten
that follows me about.."
XT message from Ashkellion, "Harrumph, I am NOT a
cat, i have this..... ah mutt that someone gave a
brain."
XT message from Krimhurg, "and it wasnt me, I
swear... it was Uni. she did it!"
XT message from Skeletor, "Ah, i see."
XT message from Embrionic, "Ooooh.. heh."
XT message from Skeletor, "Don't forget to mention
my planet this week, Ash ;)"
XT message from Embrionic, "Ashkellion.. never met
him before."
XT message from Ashkellion, "Well, read the
Chronicle then, been only writing for it for about 3
years."
XT message from Embrionic, "I have a surprise for
you, Ash.. next time My planet onlines, it will not be a
mini! ;)"
XT message from Krimhurg, "granted I was the one who
took the pictures, but she made me do it!"
XT message from Cnitas, "Well, meeting you is
different than reading the news...."
XT message from Skeletor, "You forgot to mention me
back when I was Gangleri, so I just thought I'd toss that
out for you ;)"
XT message from Ashkellion, "see the list for 9?
only 1 senator, be afraid, be very very afraid....."
XT message from Embrionic, "I only see a
dishonorable.. no Senator. :p."
XT message from Paul, "I wonder if I DD'd every time
I hit squire how many times could I get a new planet to
be mentioned in fed news in one week...."
XT message from Skeletor, "Ouch Paul...ouch ;)"
XT message from Krimhurg, "psst, Dishonorable IS
Senator.."
XT message from Embrionic, "I figured there could be
a good one SOMEwhere."
XT message from Skeletor, "I wonder what players
were supposed to do that they were deemed dishonorable
senators ;)"
XT message from Paul, "A good Senator? Isn't that a
contradiciton in terms?"
XT message from Ashkellion, "We don't need to show
our rank."
XT message from Embrionic, "Try Microsoft
Works."
XT message from Krimhurg, "::cowers:: be vewwy vewwy
nice.. the Doshonorable ones got that title for a
reason.."
XT message from Ashkellion, "Now who can I terroize,
don't see any new Navs to scare, maybe i should
miniturize another planet for Alsatian to devour."
XT message from Krimhurg, "there is a rumor they
have to eat a player in their secret ritual to get their
title.."
XT message from Krimhurg, "eep, Ive said too
much!"
XT message from Cnitas, "I for one plan on showing
exactly the right amount of respect a dishonorable
Senator deserves."
The lost planet spaceman Ashkellion has appeared with a
shimmer of teleportation effect.
Cnitas hides
XT message from Serena, "mmmmmmm back."
Lanzio says, "hello Ashkellion"
Ashkellion glowers around the room, looking for Cnitas
"Hi Ashkellion.", says Embrionic.
XT message from Krimhurg, "stay good Cnitas, stay
good!"
"hmmm Bootcamp, i wonder what Alsatian would do with
it", says Ashkellion.
XT message from Ashkellion, "Ah HA found him hiding
on Serenity......"
XT message from Krimhurg, "at least this one isnt
marking planets to be devoured..."
XT message from Cnitas, "Well they can train him. I
have a remedial fitness program he mightlike."
Ashkellion says, "hello......"
Cnitas peeks from around the bar.
XT message from Krimhurg, "took me years to get that
durn X off my lp.."
XT message from Ashkellion, "You haven't seen
Alsatian in action......"
XT message from Ashkellion, "I toss the planet and
say........ fetch....... next thing you know you have a
planet covered in dog slobber."
Baron for Life Krimhurg has appeared with a shimmer of
teleportation effect.
"big crowd", says Krimhurg.
Cnitas bows low in respect to the great Baron Krimhurg
Ashkellion grabs the technocrat by the scruff of his neck
and hoists him up
Ashkellion calls the Empire secret police and says
something while looking sternly at the Technocrat...
Krimhurg quickly hides all of Bliris's contraband behind
the bar..
Circuitborg hides his Romulan ale.
Cnitas stand up in clear view of Ashkellion.
XT message from Krimhurg, "recruits? the
Dishonorable ones are starting an army now? eeeep!"
Ashkellion looks at Cnitas
Cnitas says in a booming voice...
"Serenity and the Duchy of Aries is Honored by your
visit. We hope you find your stay enjoyable", says
Cnitas.
Ashkellion harrumphs
Krimhurg "accidentally" spills salsa over where
Requiem is on the Ducy map..
Ashkellion takes another look around making a note of All
the dukes and duchess present and makes a note in his
Black
Book and you hear him say something about 'conspirators'
Krimhurg has bought you a green glowing liquid bearing
radiation symbols on the sides..!
Krimhurg holds Pixel in front of his face, obscuring the
view..
Ashkellion has bought you a Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters
served with tongs and welding mask!
Cnitas breaths a sigh of relief cause hes not a duke yet
Krimhurg dowsn the drink rapidly and lets out a loud
belch..
Circuitborg ducks.
"Cnitas....... you are on the list........",
says Ashkellion.
"....the good list?", asks Cnitas.
Ashkellion puts a double check mark next to his name
Ashkellion glares at the quiet dukes and duchesses
Circuitborg hides behind his rocking chair.
XT message from Ripntear, "what're you doing
Skel?"
Raphael slides lower in his seat
Ripntear has given Circuitborg a warm tickle!
XT message from Skeletor, "Saving up commods for edu
builds ;)"
Cnitas says, "I'll talk if it makes things any
easier for me."
Circuitborg hides his CBM64.
Krimhurg blames it on da kitten..
Ashkellion looks at the Borg....
XT message from Ripntear, "I have nothing for you
:)"
Circuitborg shakes.
XT message from Skeletor, "That's okee."
Circuitborg wants to go back to the beginning of Fed.
Ashkellion says, "Resistance Is Futile....."
Ashkellion cackles
Krimhurg hides his Commodore 64
Krimhurg gets a robe for the Dishonorable one..
Circuitborg shouts for back-up from his alts.
"one zap and this duchy could be.......
reduced......", says Ashkellion.
Terabyte runs to CBs side.
Buffer runs to CBs side.
Cnitas says, "Well, our armies are well trainind and
loyal...well, maybe not loyal, but well trained."
Circuitborg stands behind his alts.
Ashkellion says, "resistance......"
Ashkellion makes another note and puts a Big heavy
checkmark next to Theborg
Ashkellion says, "I have been to the borg nexus,
needs work, I almost got lost there due to lack of
directions..."
Cnitas hands Ash a red magic marker. Here use this.
Circuitborg exclaims, "NOW I'm noticed!"
Krimhurg says, "maybe not well trained, but
expendable cannon fodder..."
Cnitas asks, "Well, have you seen the training
program?"
Circuitborg gets his lemmings ready.
"needs much more work, and YOU slacker .....",
says Ashkellion.
Ashkellion points imperiously at Raphael.....
Cnitas says, "The swim training rivals that of Navy
Seals"
"you haven't been educating these....... persons
enough", says Ashkellion.
Krimhurg says, "we have a training program? man, Ive
been sending mine into the mines and hoping they
return.."
chasing a white rabbit... Ripntear has just arrived.
Raphael shrinks further looking innocent
"We force out recriuts to withstand the harsh sun
and desert-like sand.", says Cnitas.
"i have to take medicine to avoid being sick on
stock planets", says Ashkellion.
Ripntear hands Ash more medicine
Circuitborg gets a mop and bucket ready.
Cnitas winks and says, "Its not about the planet,
its about what you do on the planet"
Krimhurg says, "of the last batch, I got 3 back out
of 350... then I decided its just easier to send em in to
die without training.."
"Duke Raphael, teach these..... overlords how to
write properly", says Ashkellion.
Ashkellion harrumps again
Krimhurg starts to scribble on the wall.. P.... R....
O....
Krimhurg asks da kitten for help..
Cnitas says, "Im going to take this as a sign from
God...or Ming, or whoever you believe in to start writing
my planet."
Ashkellion glares around the room once more, then poofs
The lost planet spaceman Ashkellion has just vanished.
Circuitborg can now relax.
"eep... well.. at least he didnt port me to a fire
mini this time..", says Krimhurg.
Raphael peeks
Cnitas picks us a piece of cloth where Ash stood and
lists it on Ebay as authentic senetorial material
Raphael laughs
Circuitborg shruggs.
Cnitas says, "Looks like it to me"
Krimhurg wonders if we shouldnt bronze the place he was
standing..
"should I try and slap him to check?", asks
Cnitas.
Raphael says, "never know about those senators, this
room is probably bugged now"
"you cant slap someone above your own rank",
says Krimhurg.
Cnitas has slapped Krimhurg in the face!
Cnitas says, "Sorry...muscle spasm"
"hmm.. maybe they took that bit out", says
Krimhurg.
Raphael says, "proved that wrong"
Raphael says, "they have nasty nano spys now"
Circuitborg sits down to rest.
Krimhurg says, "ooh, true.. hes prolly hiding in the
shadows or sumfin,
listening to everything we say.."
Circuitborg keeps quiet.
Cnitas speaks in a loud voice...
Lanzio asks, "so...what was that all about
anyway?"
Cnitas exclaims, "I love Senators!"
"The Famous Ashkellion visited us and said he was
going to destroy our planets if we didnt write better
ones.", says Cnitas.
ALSATIAN'S ELEPHANT JOKE
Once upon a time, on a planet far
far away, there was a vast savannah occupied by various
exotic wild animals and dotted with a few sparkling clean
watering holes. On the particular day I visited this
planet, at a particular watering hole where I was
quenching my thirst, an old elephant seeking refreshment
joined me.
We exchanged pleasantries as he
ambled to up to the water's edge. But before lowering his
trunk, he begged my pardon for a moment and turned
around. I stopped lapping water and watched - wondering
if the elephant was about to foul our water supply.
Slowly and steadily, as older
elephants are prone to move, he backed up towards the
water until one of his behemoth hind feet was situated
just in front of a rock peeking out of the shallows.
Until that moment I hadn't noticed a tortoise sunning
himself on the rock.
The elephant lifted his back foot,
and with a speed that belied his mass he back-kicked the
tortoise, launching him all the way to the other side of
the pond!
I was amazed at this display of
unprovoked hostility! As he began a slow turn to bring
his front quarters towards the water, I quizzed the
elephant (as politely as possible), "What the heck
was that for?"
The elephant lifted his trunk for
display. "See the scar on the end of my nose?"
he asked. I looked and indeed there was quite a mark
right on the tip of his trunk snout. "When I was
just a baby elephant I came to this very pond to get a
drink. When I lowered my trunk to the water, that turtle
bit it! I just now took my revenge." He smiled and
lowered his trunk to suck up an elephant sized slurp of
water.
"Well, I'm very
impressed!" I exclaimed. "Not only did you
remember that this was the same pond, but after all these
years you even knew it was that very tortoise! How in
DataSpace do you do that?"
The elephant smiled a secretive
self-satisfied elephant smile, and I dodged the water
droplets dripping from both his snout and mouth.
"Not only do I have an excellent memory…",
he replied.
"But I also have turtle
recall."
THE BUZZ
MysteryNewsDroid@Hotmail.com
I have never received so much mail
on a column that I've written as I have the gossip
columns. This being the case, I've decided that gossip
will be my main beat from now on. So all you folks out
there beware, I'm always watching!
So I sat down with a friend to come
up with a name for the column. I figure those folks on
Earth have great ones with Page Six and Liz Smith, but I
wanted to have something with a little more pizzazz. So
folks could say, "I was in "blah" this
week! Can you believe it?" My friend came up with
such names as: The Weekly Snitch, or What's Hot and Who's
Not, or Who's Hot and Who's Not, and of course The Bad,
The Badder and The Caught With Their Pants Down. All the
choices! I personally liked the last one, but I've
decided to open it up for a vote. If you like one or the
other or have a suggestion of your own, please let me
know. You know the address.
Trouble in Paradise? While Xyli is
happily expecting the birth of Ming's child, Damien,
there seems to be unrest in her family. While she
continually searches for a husband (male or female my
sources tell me) to ensure her current child doesn't
remain a bas... er, fatherless, Flair has been known to
stir up trouble and whine on the comms about the pending
birth of her evil brother. Be alert for the birth this
week... am I the only one seeing a kidnapping coming? And
if I'm correct, the wrath of Ming will be far-reaching
and swift.
Duke Insomnious has caused many to
lose faith in the proper order of the world. Recently he
announced to those assembled on Channel 9 that in fact he
does sleep. Causing a quandary in contradiction and
keeping the rest of the multiverse awake for the rest of
the night pondering how an insomniac sleeps, Insomnious
was found later to be snuggled up with the one he loves
snoring softly. Sallyanne summed it up for all of the
bleary-eyed when she cried, "Eh, it's not big deal,
I didn't have much faith in it <the world> anyway.
I'll get over it. ;)"
A certain Domestic Warrior is
ducking and hiding these days and endeavoring to prove
his unworthiness of harassment. Somehow having become a
favorite target of a certain hostess, this one proclaims
much too loudly that he has nothing to hide. There has
been quite a sale of shovels and picks in the multiverse
signifying that a large excavation is in the works. My
advice to the warrior... hide it deep and hide it well as
the hostess has a habit of turning every rock to find the
dirt.
New language has been circulating
the comms. Sponsored by a well known duchess and her
followers many have been seen with odd symbols and
conversations such as 1/0, yes/no, on/off and then crying
BOOLEAN. While most believe Boolean is a passing fad
others fear that it is, in fact, the evil that lurks
inside of planetary exchanges causing no amount of
figuring or accounting to prove how those munchies really
munch!
The kilted one has a new nickname.
Attend Meet and Greet to see Galin the Gecko grill your
favorite Fed personalities. Take the liberty to grill him
about his nickname as well!
Duke Insomnious and Baron Krimhurg
have been seen running naked through the forests of Fed
flogging trees. Why this is occurring, none are sure.
Just take my advice, if you see them coming towards you,
RUN the other way!
Another Duke is leaving the
multiverse to explore deeper space. While saying his
goodbyes and walking down memory lane with his friends,
Duke Soulquestr revealed that he was in fact CoolOne66,
right hand of the original Fed Mafioso JB007Ender. You
Sir will be missed. Best of luck in your future
endeavors!
Pickles: the new Fed commodity?
Remember this… if your name
hasn't been in my column, you're not having enough fun!
FLEET vs. IMPERIAL... DOES ONE
GET BETTER GAS MILAGE?
by KBlackDragon
I've noticed quite a few Imperial
class cruisers about. In fact, just about everyone sans
Groundhogs, Commanders, and everyone else who can't
afford one, has one. With the recent development of
stellar pollution caused by these behemoths, I couldn't
help wondering, for those of us that don't need one, why
do we have one?
I sold my ship and, continuing my
previous thought process, teleported to Jarrow's Custom
Built Ships. As my molecules were being vaporized,
resolidified, and generally misplaced, an idea popped
into my head, which at the time was somewhere orbiting
Castillo. "What if," I thought to myself,
"I order myself a Fleet class cruiser?" After
all, I had no need for the "SUV" of
interstellar starcraft, and fuel economy is constantly a
burden, as I find more and more I travel into orbit, only
realizing after the fact that I haven't loaded my cargo.
I spoke with Jarrow, a nice old
fellow, although a bit on the funny-looking side (He has
a top hat, moustache, and a name tag that says, "Mr.
Moneybags"), and he immediately began working on my
Fleet class ship. Two minutes later, it was finished,
fueled, and ready for lift off. I thanked him and tipped
a couple of megs.
Crawling into the ship was when I
first realized I had made a mistake. Not only did my head
knock against the ceiling, but also against the
bulkheads, consoles and, strangely enough, the floor. I
shrugged and initiated the lift off. Around the Solar
System I went, visiting Mars, Venus, and the ghastly
Mercury (Evil little Grizzles). I hopped back to Earth
and landed, so as to fuel up and check my odometer
reading. Sighing, I noticed that I had used only slightly
less than I would have using the Imperial... in fact, the
difference was so minute, it was negligible. Oh yeah...
zero-gravity. I could get out and push and have the same
effect.
I sighed, shrugged to myself and
teleported back to Caverns. After hours of crawling,
dislocating, and cursing, I managed to make my way out of
the ship that I immediately sold for an enormous loss. Oh
well, who needs a ship when you have a teleporter? I
hopped over to Jarrow's, stole back my tip money, and
shot off to the Moon for some good ol' fashioned
gambling.
After all, if I'm gonna waste my
money, I at least intend to know what I'm doing!
MARTIANS CLAIM RESPONSIBILITY
FOR DEADLY ATTACKS
by Xinhua
A militant Martian organization
called Al-Ded last week claimed responsibility for the
attacks that took the lives of over one million
Federation citizens last week. The four-pronged attack
saw the destruction of the most important structures of
the Galactic Administration and complete shutdown of all
activity in Federation for a short time.
In a universally broadcast speech,
the group's leader, believed to be named Zorz, said that
his operatives had been planted within the realm of the
Galactic Administration for many months, searching for
security holes wherever they could find them. Several
weeks ago, they tested spaceport security by taking
welders onboard the luxury liners. Security let them
through without so much as blinking despite a hightened
level of security due to the recent bombings of various
popular establishments in Sol. The hijackers repeated
this exercise last week when they successfully brought
the Galactic Administration to its knees.
Zorz went on to say that his
group's attack on Sol was justified because of countless
Crimes Against Martians that had been occuring for years.
"The infidel has killed too many of our people, the
infidel has ignored our pleas and requests, and the
infidel continuously defeats us in Horsell. This time, we
hit the heart of their civilization. They must now take
notice of us. They must now negotiate with us. Failure to
do so will see the continuation of bombings all over
Federation DataSpace and the continued murder of
innocents as they have murdered our innocents. This,
every Martian must make its priority. So Zug has
ordered."
Zorz went on to answer obviously
prepared questions from the newsdroids lucky enough to
have been kidnapped to report on the speech, stating over
and over that nothing short of a complete cease of
hostilities would lead to peace.
REAL FED CAPITOL?
by The Sagebrush Space Reporter
A secret newsbot spent some time
looking at the fact that the planet of Serenity in Aries
Duchy consistently has won the Tungsten Tourist Trap
Trophy more times then any other planet in the Empire.
Upon investigation, it has been noted that not only is
the planet a Carpenter Winner but has the most renown
Baroness of Fed who constantly has six or more Dukes
sitting around the table in her bar. Sitting quietly in a
corner of the bar, this reporter has noted that many a
deal is brokered between some of the leading Dukes of Fed
as well as other clandestine deals. At times upwards of
twelve dukes have been seen in the bar. Is this the real
back room headquarters of the government? It has long
been known that the real power has been brokered in
places other than government office buildings and the
proof has been right in front of anyone who wants to see
it. Even some of the Dishonorable ones have been seen in
the Serenity bar, which has even seen the occasional
visit by the Demigoddess Hazed.
Recently readers may recall that
the Dishonorable Senator Ashkellion was looking to see
what nefarious plots have been put together in this bar,
and one can only conclude that Serenity is the Unofficial
Capitol of the Empire. One may wonder if someplace on the
planet Ming is stashed away. Rather serious looking
Guards shooed this reporter away from the secret chalet
at the top of the mountain of Serenity and it can be
postulated that the planet is more then the Serene place
that it purports to be. We will keep this planet under
observation for more developments.
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