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WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS Earthdate April 1998 |
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WEB FED NEWS YEARBOOKS Earthdate April 1998 |
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INSIDE
SCOOP |
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FASCINATING FED FINDS Jello Twister by Azurldy, Baroness of Azure, Novice Shimmerer, Winner at Fed Poker, Finder of Fun Things in Fed One night, I was sitting on the planet Mrin playing poker with the group, and just as I won a hand of poker, suddenly:
It was a slow night in Chez Diesel when a wandering newbod chirped up with a comment. 'I don't know the Hosts and staff very well,' he/she/it said. Leaping to action, Icedrake announced that there was only one thing to do - pull out the old notepad and ask the Dreaded Ten Questions! After rounding up Amarushaya and Barb the questions began, with Fireimp and Pandori chorusing in from time to time...
Barb immediately knew the answer here... 'January 11, 1991,' she said knowingly. 'It was Occy.' As it turns out, Fireimp had it imprinted on his memory as well. He first said it was June 6, 1993 (the player being Otoole) but then it hit him that it must have been June 7; he didn't meet Otoole until his second day! Amarushaya didn't have quite as precise a date, but knew that it was the first time she got snogged without knowing who it was.
After a bit of consultation, Barb and Pandori agreed that the correct answer was, 'When the judges have all the scores ready.' Amarushaya, on the other hand, felt it was, 'Before I can imagine the keyboard getting very sticky.'
Amarushaya grinned. 'To compensate for the smoke I inhale,' she explained. On the other hand, Barb looked confused at this question. 'Air? There's air? No one said to get air,' she sputtered. Checking her contract, she was quickly relieved to see that at no point was she supposed to get air.
Amarushaya: '3.14159'
Pandori, Barb, and Amarushaya all immediately said yes, they did... Pandori tried to be sympathetic, though, and added, 'But you are what you are.' Barb noted that since Icedrake wasn't her superior on the Fed Org Chart, she had no need to fib about the size of Icedrake's butt. Amarushaya blamed it on bifocals.
Pandori decided that for him it was being non-descript, because so many players didn't know (or couldn't be bothered) to change clothes! Barb weighed in with the ever-popular leather mini-skirt. There was a small scuffle when Fireimp suggested that the answer was hazel eyes, as Barb quickly noted that she had hazel eyes. (Icedrake couldn't help but answer his own question here, bringing up the ever-present whip.) Amarushaya mentioned the horrifying description of, "Nekkid."
'Salami sandwiches,' Barb shuddered, perhaps reliving some previous experiences. Fireimp and Pandori both weighed in with specific addresses that they found to be avoidable. Amarushaya warned about when the first question from guests was, 'Will there be jello?'
Pandori immediately sold his soul to make Cryptosporidium spyable. Barb appeared a bit puzzled, since she'd already sold her soul to rock and roll. Fireimp said, 'Ask for a grape popsicle. Souls aren't worth much after c-sex.' Amarushaya just decided to get her Ph.D. Barb finally decided that if she could do it again, it would involve getting a prehensile tongue.
Amarushaya: 'Where is the small
chicken found in the library? Oh man. Something about the
dog in the library... I can't remember my latin or
italian.'
After the scribbling on the bluebooks was concluded, Icedrake gathered them up and read them out loud to the class. Pandori decided that, "900 number," best fit the analogy. Barb used the tried-but-true, "Need a vacation for your hands." Last but not least, Amarushaya's answer was, "Fake." We're not sure what this says about Fed and IB staff, but boy does it say something... We'll be sending all participants for a weekend of psychotherapy and debriefing very shortly.
BORED
POs AND SCI-FI BS It was a quiet and still night in FED. Bozoboyz (Bozo) and Bozowl (Boz) were sitting in some lawn chairs upon the Landofboz LP. The two were having an idle conversation. You know, the ones where the biggest conversation booster always starts out with, "Hey, you know it is supposed to be a cold night". Then a big swig of some weird foreign beer. Then all of a sudden, the silence is broken by the annoying beep of a TB. Bozo says "Hold on, I have to take this", and then he enters a private room and has his conversation. All Boz could hear is something about ship wax and young hooligans, and a sound almost as if Bozo swung his cane and fell over. Before long he came back and asked Boz a question: Bozoboyz: I have a question. what's the best angle to wash the Duchess of Gigglez' ship? BozOwl: I was thinking a 49.67 degree angle... Just might keep you clear of the core reactor. But still allowing you to wash the nook and crannies of the cockpit assembly. Bozoboyz: I was thinking of the 249th angle; because then I don't get caught in the shields if she left them on; also keeping me a safe distance away from any laser-type weapons. But if something malfunctioned I might fall into the reactor. However, a general time warp could pull me out of that situation BozOwl: Or perhaps you could line up your ship's twin lasers on the Duchess’ ship, then set the beam to a wide enough and low enough setting that that only thing it can blast is dust and dirt. So when sweeping the lasers over the hull, the dirt will be eradicated. But you will have watch out for the spybeam, cause the nacelles on that could be weak enough that it wouldn't hold, and then it might blow. And if the nacelles on the beam go up, that would ignite a timewarp bubble, which in effect would blast everything and everyone in a 258 and 1/4 meter radius around the bubble causing them to be sucked into a time/space vortex. Bozoboyz: But I could use my timewarp cannon and set it on low, freezing the ship in time, allowing me perform all of that without risk of anything failing and getting out of there before any malfunctions can happen. BozOwl: True, but if the warp cannon were damaged in the freezing, time wouldn’t return to normal speed. So what you have is pockets of time/space that is not the same as all the other pockets, so in one area you would be going faster than time, and in others you would be slowed. Throwing off all digital watches in the universe. Bozoboyz: I have an in-built 4th dimension disrupter; highly illegal because if used at random could tear the space time continuum into shreds; destroying everything in the universe. So I could not remain frozen. BozOwl: Jerry-rigging a timewarp cannon with a 4th dimensional disrupter would be very hazardous and just might cause an opening into all neighboring universes and dimensions at the same time. Possibly allowing an evil Fed to escape into our reality... Bozoboyz: Not necessarily, I could rig it so that only a black hole type of gateway could be made; causing only a white hole on the other side, not only would it take out any ship in the patch, it could also pull in an entire fleet! and they couldn't travel back. BozOwl: A black hole gate? Tell me how this works. Cause it seems to me a black hole gate with a white hole gate at the other end would suck the two universes together. Reversing the Red/blue shifts of our universe. Bozoboyz: Well; long ago there was a black hole theory; the Einstein-Roswell gate. what it is, is if you can manage to go into a black hole through its equatorial axis and you can travel through the singularity without being crushed, you take that gate back through into the opposite of a black hole, a white hole, all the light that gets sucked into a black hole gets thrusted out the other end. Kind of like a funnel. If a fleet of ships went in, a lot would blow up on the singularity, but some would get hurled into another universe. That universe would have an equal amount coming in and out of it with ours, creating a dynamic equilibrium. Thereby, inter-universal transportation could be achieved. And to those who do not get on the equilateral axis, would suffer a polaric death. BozOwl: I see... But then how would this black/white hole get shifted closed? Would you use a Quantum Singularity device with Dual Over Head Cams? Bozoboyz: No, I would use the timewarp-unfreezer again, the slowness of timewarp would undo itself and the event horizon would collapse in on the singularity, destroying the black hole, and disrupting the white hole. That would seal the 2 holes and re-separate the universes. Hmm... but if the event horizon was destroyed it would be a naked singularity; allowing us to travel through, where the rules of physics break down. When it caved in on itself it would properly seal the universes. BozOwl: But if the Event Horizon would be used, wouldn't that in effect open a portal to a hellish dimension where we would just rip out our eyeballs and claw each other to death? Maybe Event Vertices could be used instead. Bozoboyz: Vertices? BozOwl: Opposite of Horizontal is Vertical... Having essentially the opposite effect. Bozoboyz: :::nods::: BozOwl: Well, any ways. Once the black/white hole is collapsed, how would we deal with the residual 4th dimensional disrupter particles? If they went unnoticed, they might just ignite if they came in contact with a ship's time thrusters. Bozoboyz: The residual particles would self disrupt BozOwl: I see... They would implode right? Or am I mistaken? Bozoboyz: They would implode with the sealing of the universes. BozOwl: Ahh... Once the two universes are sealed, and the time/space/dimensional portals are taken care of, I think the before-mentioned ship would not be clean, but more covered. See, all the time/space shifts would cause the dirt to ionize, and reverse their polar optics. Essentially giving each dust particle a mini-cloaking device. Bozoboyz: :::nods::: BozOwl: Hold up, that takes care of the dirt. What about the planet? If a planet is just a big ball of dirt, would that not cloak a planet? If this would happen, we would have to reverse the process and create a dimensional portal around the ship first. So we could isolate the isenlinear chips in the internal cockpit of the ship. Thus, making the ship the only thing that is affected by the time/space/dimensional portal. Bozoboyz: The dust wears off after a few days, but the dust creates a multi-dimensional panel, the ship views through the 4th dimension; thereby in cloak you can see everything else in your universe that is cloaked, but no one else can. You can view them because basically, cloaked or uncloaked, they exist in time; the only complication that could occur is, the ship could see everything in that area over universal history. Causing the pilot to be blinded. But that has never happened yet and I doubt it will. Bozowl: Hmm. Well this is good and all, but what about... ::crazy new theory interrupted by that annoying TB noise:: I guess that is the Duchess again huh? Bozoboyz: Yup. Either that or my communist accountant messed me up again. If he gets me Imperially Audited one more time... Well, I guess I better get going. Although I think one of them young hooligans is a-watchin' us again... If they are I’ll give them a whooopin' with my hickory stick. ::waves and gives YOU -the- evil eye:: Bozowl: Laters. ::waves:: Boz and Bozo did the secret hand shake of their forbidden mafioso organization, then Bozoboyz rushed into The Bozomobile, where he revved the engine, got it facing straight up, and blew 20 million tons of dynamite up beneath the car. Then suddenly got launched into outer space out of the inner walls of the volcano, leaving a huge hole in the wall. Bozowl scrambled his wits to find him a repair crew on the double, while Bozo was then escorted by the Imperial Fleet to his planet where he then prepared to locate an unsuspecting planet to blow up. (Bozoboyz and Bozowl have no real knowledge of time/space/dimensional portals (although Bozo helps work for www.dimensional.org). Please no emails, and we are not alts so quit saying we are! Young hooligans.)
THE SEARCH FOR THE MISSING KILT Scandal and rumors have rocked the normally quiet calm of Federation DataSpace. It was reported a naked man bearing resemblance to none other than Galinfenner was seen hurrying about Fed followed closely by two women waving towels and screaming for his attention. As speculation rose, so did the rumors. Information was slow in coming, but loyal reporters were able to piece this tragedy together. It seems everyone's favorite Host awoke one morning after a celebratory evening in Chez Diesel, only to find just a note where his kilt should have been. The note seemed cryptic and read as follows:
Psychoanalysts agree that from this note we can determine that an obviously deranged individual perpetrated the crime. While Galin seemed content to search for the missing kilt himself, other staff members had better ideas. A call was hurriedly placed to the Tactical Operatives Yielding Surprise for Reconnaissance, Weapons and Equipment. Hoping to ensnare the kilt thief, TOYS R WE opened a fake store offering a "surprise" for anyone bold enough to wear Scottish apparel while shopping. The Operatives declared victory shortly after they opened, only to be disappointed to discover it was only Fed's favorite Angel dressed up in a Catholic School Girl outfit while shopping for an Easter present for Kissy. As of this printing the kilt has yet to be found, however Galin has been coerced into wearing socks for the time being. Any information as to the whereabouts of the missing kilt should be directed to Fed News Staff care of Uniquette@earthlink.net. We shall post updates, as information becomes available.
As the Federation community discovered Galinfenner's plight, rumors began to surface. Within hours pictures had been obtained showing Cfpmike dressed in an oversized kilt and parading about Sol. TOYS ARE WE leapt into action and set up yet another phony store front in an attempt to ensnare more leads. Terror struck the Operatives, however, when a major company feared a new rival had arrived. Within an hour the Operatives were all but eliminated as a giant purple dinosaur attacked and wiped out the secret official branch. And just as tragically, the pictures disappeared as well. Springing (not so) deftly into action the official in charge examined his list of dishonorable individuals, looking for devious minds. He settled upon a (now unemployed) tag inspector of women's panties. Papers were signed, small animals sacrificed, and virgins disappeared; and the Dishonorable Inspector appeared in Federation DataSpace. The newly appointed Senator immediately went straight to the source, Galinfenner. Unfortunately he found Galin locked in a closet. It seems Galin washed his socks, and they promptly shrunk. The now smaller socks were too small for Federation's Favorite Snogger, though he never seemed to mind. Refusing to acquire new ones or accept ones offered, Uniquette and Amarushaya shoved him into the closet and refused to let him out until he changed. Failing to talk to Galin, Inspector strode out following the leads presented to him. Among the multitudes of rumors about, sources have clued us in on some of the ones this new Senator will be concentrating on. Archer voiced several theories, including his belief that Galin's kilt was either hung on a flagpole or placed beneath the altar on Mars (though he refused to go searching the ruins for it). Kleptomaniac not only swore it wasn't him, but assured everyone it was a VLA plot (though for what purpose he would not comment). Phil hypothesized that 'somebody wanted either A: him to catch cold, or B: what was unner it...' Experts still have not been able to translate "unner it". But Kleptomaniac raised a third opinion as well. He claimed to have information that the black market had acquired Galin's kilt and have smuggled it to another game. This theory left everyone wondering about a poor hapless mudder trying to figure out what a "Kilt of Fenner" does. Which one of these rumors will the Senator deem most plausible? What possible connection could Wolfyn, an admitted kilt snatcher, have? And will the women of Federation get a chance to see a naked Galin (as they have been clamoring to do over channel 9 all week)? Will Galin ever come out of the closet? We hope to have these answers as well as others in the coming week. If you have any leads we beseech you to pass them on to Fed News and The Dishonorable Inspector by sending them to Uniquette@earthlink.net.
While trying out my newly ordered Golf-a-Tron Office Trainer I got an urgent message over the comms:
It seems that Sachi had gotten herself stuck in Limbo Space due to my malfunctioning interstellar link. Thankfully a handful of workthingies with a shipload of tools and powerpacks were able to repair the damage and bring the frightened JP back from the wastelands. Unsatisfied that my link had suddenly just given out, I launched my own investigation into what had happened. What I found was astonishing. Interstellar links all over Federation DataSpace have been dropping hapless victims into Limbo. Why? Simply enough - the IL on each world needed heavy maintenance. And who is responsible for this? The Link Maintenance Authority of course. The LMA has held the monotonous task of making sure every link in Fed stayed in working order. However, when I attempted to contact a member of the LMA, I discovered the agency had gone on strike to protest poor working conditions. They claim that, to cut expenses, the CEO of LMA pulled the tools and materials budget, expecting them to use only their fingers and some rubber bands to perform the maintenance tasks. So where does the strike stand now, only fourteen days since it started? Under heavy pressure from Galinfenner, it's been decided to replace two-thirds of the LMA budget on a temporary basis. However, when I questioned Galin on his role in the strike, he looked at me with a blank stare and said he had not a clue what I was talking about, but if it had anything to do with some spare socks, he could use a pair. The recent theft of Galin's kilt spawned a sizeable investigation. The Dishonorable Senator Inspector has been spotted hopping around Sol, questioning people about what they might know. I quickly found him, and with a joint investigation into both events - the LMA strike and Galin's missing clothes - we are hoping to discover the secret behind both events soon.
FACE ON
MARS PROVED NOT TO BE A LIKENESS OF DIESEL Scientists today announced that the so-called "face on Mars" which many had taken to be a likeness of the famous proprieteuse of Chez Diesel was, in fact, just a hill. The "face" appears in the Cydonia region of Mars and has shown up in photos taken by both amateur sight-seers and official scientific investigators since the planet was first visited in the 20th Century. However, the area has remained uncolonized and until now it has never been examined closely. A Galactic Administration spokesdroid released pictures today from the first expedition to actually land in the region. "The pictures, taken from another angle than previous shots, clearly show it is a butte, a mesa, a knob," it stated. (We leave jokes about whose butt, or whose knob, to less high-minded publications!) Diesel herself had never claimed that the phenomenon was a representation of her face, but at the same time she never denied it when confronted with the "evidence", merely smiling an enigmatic smile. But many claim that the likeness of Diesel's face is proof that she is in possession of time-travelling facilities and has used them to form an alliance with the ancient Martian race which built the now-ruined area of the planet. Advocates of this theory reacted to the new photos showing that it's just a hill by claiming it's all part of a giant conspiracy, and that data had obviously been manipulated to cover up Diesel's involvement in the periodic attempts by the Martians to invade our space-time continuum. The Galactic Administration spokesdroid made the sound that passes for mechanical laughter and rubbished the claims of conspiracies. But then it would say that, wouldn't it?
GALAXY
GALLERY Spring is in the air, the worlds are opening and coming alive, and people are starting to see old friends once more. Wouldn't this be the perfect time to invite company over for a nice dessert so you can chat and catch up on what you've missed since the last time you've seen them? It's rumored that this pie has been the start of many romantic relationships around the galaxy. You may want to invite that one special person over to show them that there is more to you than just hauling. If the taste of the pie doesn't get their attention, you can always use the wire whisk on them.
Ingredients:
First, prepare the Marillion. Using a sharp knife, slice off the wings as close to the body as you can. Be careful: the wings are covered with dust, and you want to preserve as much of this as you can. Place the wings and any loose dust into a processor and process until the wings are ground down to a fine powder. Note that it's essential to use a freshly-killed Marillion, since the wings shrivel up a few hours after death and lose their sweet taste. In a double boiler, stir the gelatin with the sugar and salt until well mixed. Put the egg yolks and milk into a small bowl and stir with a wire whisk or fork until well mixed, then stir into the gelatin mixture. Cook over hot, not boiling, water, stirring constantly, until the mixture thickens and coats a spoon - this should take about 30 minutes. When it's cooked, stir in the vanilla. Cover and refrigerate until the mixture cools and is the consistency of unbeaten egg whites. Put the cream into a small bowl and beat with mixer at medium speed until soft peaks form. Stir in three-quarters of the powdered Marillion wings, then gently fold into the gelatin mixture. Spoon into the shell and chill for several hours. When you are ready to serve the dessert, pile the halved strawberries onto the mixture and sprinkle with the remaining powdered Marillion wings.
OH MY
GOD, THEY KILLED DANNY! Stepping off the intergalactic transport, I looked for my workthingie supervisor. His urgent message of "Oh my God, it's horrible! Oh the humanity! It's...it's so...bad!" puzzled me. Once I found him I got the bad news that the 30-foot pit in my LP was the result of a Captain's hauler mysteriously exploding for no reason. Three equally important things crossed my mind:
I decided to find out using my keen wit, my catlike reflexes, and my hoards of cash. As I was buying my ticket my supervisor approached me, 'Uh... sir... this package came for you. It has no return address, it can be opened from either end, it's ticking, and it smells like C4.' Wondering what it could be I opened it and much to my surprise it exploded into millions of tiny fragments. After buying more insurance and cleaning my former self off the hospital window, I sat in deep thought for days on end. Then it came to me: The ship owner got a bomb too! But who could be sending them? Sifting through the wreckage I found a small piece of the puzzle. A tag that said "Package bomb made by that hermit in the woods of Raptorian who doesn't like the way you let people trade on your world because it's destroying nature." Now all I needed was a weapon, a suspect, and a motive... maybe I'll ask that hermit in the woods. When I came to his cabin I was surprise to see he had a TL on a forklift pointed at my head. Good thing the lasers were far enough apart to miss my head completely and set off the hoards of explosives he was mailing to people hauling and trading on my planet and myself. After leaving the hospital and hosing down the whole Western Hemisphere of Raptorian, I exiled the terrorist, repaved my LP, and added a security system that rivals one found in a 20th century. Trading and hauling would be safe for all from now on... if, of course, there were haulers.
The Spynet Bulletin has learned that Baron Crocodyle has been severed from his tail. Croc turned to us as a last resort to try and find his tail, or a reasonable substitute, as he has been trying since Christmas to get it back. Croc had counted on Santa to bring a better one to him for Christmas, but apparently he was on Santa's naughty list as all he got was a lump of coal. Sources close to North Pole report that Croc had been seen spending time in the company of Mrs. Claus while Santa had been away on business. The Galactic All Points Police have been notified. A spokeswoman for GAPP tells us that the tail in question seems to have been severed with a butcher knife and police have a lead on a female perpetrator at this time. Our readers are encouraged to send in any leads or information they may have via the tip line (Uniquette@earthlink.net).
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OF DIESEL