THE VIRAL
MARTIAN INVASION
by DannyI was sitting in CDs, as I usually am, and I
began to feel sick. I didn't know what I had caught, but
I knew it must have come from Diesel (she seems to catch
everything). So, after waiting about 30 seconds to get
better, I want out to seek expert medical treatment. With
two gigs in my pocket I figured I could get great medical
care.
Most POs would first go to their
own hospital, but I didn't. They have horrible bedside
manner there, unless you're dead. So I went out in search
of a top quality doctor. First I went to the Earth
hospital. When I got there and found my way to the center
of the labyrinth, I asked to see the best doctor in the
building. I got the most moronic man I'd ever seen before
that point. The first thing he told me was that I was
sick, the second thing he did was to ask why I was there.
I explained to him that he answered his own question and
he ran some tests on me. Some is the wrong word. He ran
over 750 thousand. He took out more blood than I knew I
had. And his conclusion: I was sick. But at least he
figured out what I was sick of, the Martian Death Flu, a
rare disease that affects people on Mars. He also told me
that there was no way to treat it... unless I had
directions to an obscure asteroid with the most advanced
medical facility in the galaxy and a lot of cash. Of
course I got directions and landed in front of a gigantic
hospital building, pockets bulging.
When I entered the hospital I found
the secretary and asked to see the best doctor in the
place. The next appointment was about 13 years after the
sun went up like a death star, It was easy to get someone
bumped by threatening to cough on her though. The doctor,
who was obviously a genius, also told me I was sick but
explained to me what the cheapest treatment was. All I
needed to do was take a small pill. So, desperate, I took
the 1.3 billion-groat pill, and immediately found myself
in the revival ward of the Earth hospital surrounded by
insurance agents. Wanting to know what had just happened,
I want to see Dr. Jack Kavorkian MCMXIVIII again. He told
me that he had given me a concentrated form of a
substance called "InstaDeath". I couldn't
complain because at least I was cured. Broke, but cured.
ACT OF
RANDOM KINDNESS
Upon arriving in my office one day,
I found an envelope on my desk reading "Urgent
– I need help". Being the curious News editor
that I am, I ripped it open to find the following letter
inclosed:
Dear Editor:
I had no idea who to contact
about a very strange event that took place in
Federation on 5/26/97 or whatever stardate that
equates to.
I was zipping along happily
trying to build up trader credits, when I was
summoned to a planet in Sol. Being the adventurous
sort I went. Upon arriving at the LP on a planet
whose name will remain undisclosed, somebody gave me
20 megs and said, "Have a nice day."
I did not even have a chance to
express my thanks before - poof - the gift bearer was
just gone. Alas, I did not have my logs on yet, so I
was unable to trace back through them. I do not know
who the vicarious gift bearer was.
I have a great new ship thanks
to him or her. The burning question is what did I do
to deserve it? I attended a party on Starbase1. I
spent most of my time there listening quietly to the
conversation of some high ranking Fedders and trying
not stare at the gaping hole in TBar's hospital gown.
Other than that, I did nothing unusual that day. If
the gift was not an act of random kindness, I would
like to know what it is I did so I can do it again.
Moonwisp
Sending Newsbots out to investigate
this phenomonon but it was useless. There were no clues
left anywhere. I'm pretty sure they only searched
Clueless.
With no information to be found, it
was decided to show Moonwisp's letter as a form of thank
you to the person responsible for the gift. If there was
ulterior motives please contact Uniquette@earthlink.net so that Moonwisp can be informed of her
debt to you and begin working off the payments by washing
your ship or whatever you have planned.
UPDATE
ON KINDNESS IN FED
After exhausting efforts to locate
the Planet Owner charged with handing out free groats and
making poor Moonwisp fret that she may have forgotten
what happened at the party after too many drinks, we are
proud to announce we have found him! Yes, that's right,
folks. Our NewsBots did their job.
Dressing our undercover Bots in
flimsy dresses and sexy outfits, we stationed them on
random planets throughout the universe. The Bots were
oblivious to the fact that their appendages were attached
in the wrong places for such outfits and we had hoped
that the PO in question would be blind enough to not
notice. After a full week of surveillance on these
planets, we finally got the break we were hoping for. He
sent me a letter.
Moonwisp will be happy to know that
she did not receive the groats from the after party
frolics she may have forgotten, but that it was a random
act of kindness from Squire Aarron after all. Aarron
notes in his letter that the universe would be a much
better place if more would take a moment from their
hauling to do something nice for another.
Pictures of our alluring NewsBots
will be on sale, soon, at a bookstand near you.
MARRIAGE:
PAST AND PRESENT
by Danny
Marriages in DataSpace today are
widespread and common, normal and casual to us, but they
contrast to the marriage rituals of mid and late 20th
century Earth. If you paid attention in your Earth
History class in high school you know what I'm talking
about, but since it was one big nap to you I'll take it
upon myself to explain.
Marriage was developed as a
religious bonding long, long ago. It only occurred when
two people were completely devoted to each other, and it
could not be broken under any circumstances. That's why
so many ancient kings killed so many ancient queens. Then
a new concept was developed. Divorce; the termination of
marriage. That was a huge leap toward the marital
philosophy of today. Eventually divorce became more
accepted until the late 20th to the early 21st century
when it evolved more like today's. In the late 20th
century people could get married, take holy vows, then
divorce a month later. Here, to help you understand, is a
dialogue of the 20th century courtship and wedding of the
fictional couple John and Jane:
John: Jane, would you like to
go to the movies with me?
Jane: Sorry, washing my hair every night for the rest
of my life. Have a nice day!
Two weeks later
Jane: Oh, no! The prom's tomorrow and I have no date!
Whatever will I do?
[phone rings]
Jane: Hello?
John: Uh...Jane...do you wanna go to the...
Jane: Yeah! Woo hoo!
Five years later
John: It's great that we've been going out for five
years. Will you marry me?
Jane: Yes!
One month later
John: Since it's been a month, let's set a date.
Jane: Well, I don't wanna rush anything...
Seventeen years later
Priest: John, will you take Jane blah blah blah holy
stuff for as long as you shall live?
John: I do.
Priest: Jane, will you (same thing as John's) as long
as you both shall live?
Jane: I do.
Priest: Then I proclaim you man and wife!
Five years later
Jane: John, I think we're wrong for each other. You
killed two of our seven children and you've been
arrested five times since you started drinking
heavily.
John: So?
Jane: I'm leaving you! Here are the divorce papers.
John: Okie dokie.
Now here's the same marriage
ritual, for the same two people, but in Chez Diesel in
present stardate.
John: Heh there, groovy chick.
Jane: Wow, what a cheesy pick up line. Wanna get
hitched?
John: 'Kay
Jane: Heh, random guy off the street!
Random Guy Off the Street: Yeah?
Jane: Marry us!
Random Guy Off the Street: OK. Do you?
Jane: Yeah.
Random Guy Off the Street: Do you?
John: Me? Yeah, I guess.
Random Guy Off the Street: You're married. The
divorce lawyer is next door. Now buy me a beer.
Jane: John, I hate you.
John: I never liked you much anyway.
Jane: I want a divorce! We're no longer married!
John: Okie dokie.
So there you have it. Some may
argue that today's is better, some may say the ancient,
archaic ritual is superior. But now that you know of the
option from the past, you can make an intelligent
decision whether to get hitched now or wait through the
prime of your life. And you got a free history lesson.
FASCINATING
FED FINDS
The Entertainment Channel
by Azurldy, Baroness of Azure, Finder of Fascinating
Things in Fed
I was just waking up one evening in
my bedroom on Azure, when my comm unit came alive on
channel nine. Now sometimes channel nine is a hugfest,
sometimes an argument, sometimes a running commentary on
how to advance your planet, but tonight, it was – entertaining!
Your comm unit relays a message
from Reduit, "Biz---save me!!!".
Your comm unit relays a message from Bizcarp,
"Hey Red...whatcha need?":)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Heatherjn,
"No one can save you, Reduit... ;)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Reduit,
"I'm in trouble......again......".
Your comm unit relays a message from Kayfive,
"LOL - He's beyond Help Biz ;)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Teran,
"Red! LOL what now? hehe".
Your comm unit relays a message from Bizcarp,
"Red ....you mean STILL don’t you??".
Your comm unit relays a message from Reduit, "I
swear I didn't do it! It was my evil twin!".
Your comm unit relays a message from Kayfive,
"Heather asked him "one of those
questions" ;)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Bizcarp,
"Uh huh...RIGHT Red:)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Heatherjn,
"He's always in trouble... but just now, all he
has to do is tell everyone that I don't have a
mustache and he'll be fine. :)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Reduit,
"You shaved, Babe?".
Your comm unit relays a message from Bizcarp, "
Red!!!!".
Your comm unit relays a message from Heatherjn,
":::thwapps Reduit...again!:::".
Your comm unit relays a message from Bizcarp,
":::whispers "Heath! you know he loves
that!!! ".
Your comm unit relays a message from Reduit,
"Too late, Biz!!".
Your comm unit relays a message from Heatherjn,
"You know... it's a good thing I love him so
much. ;)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Bizcarp, "
It's true...only a saint like yourself could put up
with him!;)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Reduit,
"<<---thinks he may be getting bashed
here......".
Your comm unit relays a message from Heatherjn,
":::grins::: I like that... a saint like me...
Yes, I definitely like that. :)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Bizcarp, "
thought you might girlfriend;)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Teran,
"Saint Heater? hehehehehehe".
Your comm unit relays a message from Nickdanger,
"Saint Heater?".
Your comm unit relays a message from Heatherjn,
":::hugs Biz... then thwapps Teran::: Shhh!
;)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Nickdanger,
"What's that, the patron saint of
furnaces??".
Your comm unit relays a message from Bizcarp, "
No no Red....we KNOW you would enjoy that ....we
would never do it..;)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Reduit,
":::grabs staplegun:::: Here, Heather, let me
straighten your halo.....".
Your comm unit relays a message from Bizcarp, "
::quickly grabs the staple gun from Red..and uses it
to securely tack the Duct tape over his
mouth:::::)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Reduit,
"Ouch! The Pain!!......I LIKE IT!!!".
Your comm unit relays a message from Heatherjn,
":::pulls out her NEW roll of industrial
strength duct tape...::: Hmmm..... ;)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Reduit,
"After you tape me up, Heather, pull it off real
fast, will ya???? Please!!!!".
Your comm unit relays a message from Heatherjn,
":::puts duct tape on Reduit's legs, then pulls
it off, as instructed::: <g>".
Your comm unit relays a message from Reduit,
"Such abuse! More! More!!".
Your comm unit relays a message from Nickdanger,
"Thwaps Reduit just to stay in form??? Is this
the new Beat Reduit And Lose Unsightly Fat Exercise
Program???".
Your comm unit relays a message from Heatherjn,
"Thwapping Reduit is MY job!".
Your comm unit relays a message from Reduit,
"<<<-----is thinking of selling
thwapping tickets.....".
Your comm unit relays a message from Bizcarp, "
great idea Red...I'll be your agent;)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Reduit,
"Usual split, Biz? You get 90 and I get
5?".
Your comm unit relays a message from Bizcarp,
"No no Red...new deal...I get 100...you get
none..".
Your comm unit relays a message from Reduit, "At
least it will be easier to keep up with that way,
Biz.".
Your comm unit relays a message from Bizcarp, "
My overhead has gone way up....;)".
Your comm unit relays a message from Nickdanger,
"that's why it's called overhead, Biz
dear!".
Finally, still laughing hard, I
picked myself up off the floor and caught my breath as
channel nine slowly got back to "normal".
|
