 FED FAQ
by Tickenest
Merry Christmas and a Happy New
Year to all you Fedders out there. I'm back from my
Winter Break and refreshed for an action-packed 1999.
First, however, a more somber note. I would like to
publicly apologize for my last Top Ten list back in
December. I mean, let's face it. It was probably the
worst piece of writing ever to appear in the Fed News.
Even Fed Staff was telling me how bad it was. As a
responsible writer, I should be shot for producing such
miserable crap.
On a happier note, though, I am
taking a writing course this term, so there's hope for me
yet.
Anyway, this week I present a brief
Fed FAQ on all those questions you always had but were
afraid to ask...
Q: Why is the Pirate called
"Monty"?
A: Damned if I know.
Q: Is it true that there used to be
players below the rank of Baron?
A: Yes, but no one ever paid attention to them anyway.
Q: Will you tell me how to do the
Duke Puzzle?
A: What do I look like, the Answer Machine?
Q: Ok, then where is the Answer
Machine?
A: Go south from Mercury three times to find out.
Q: Now that the Duke Puzzle is
back, will there be an explosion of new duchies?
A: No. In fact, the new Duke Puzzle is certified
impossible. Any new Dukes will have achieved their rank
through hefty bribes and "hind-quarters
kissing".
Q: Why is there lag in Fed?
A: Lag? In Fed? Heresy!
Q: No, really, there is.
A: That's not a question, but I'll answer it anyway. See,
Fed is powered by a hamster running on a hamster wheel
(hence the name). But sometimes the hamster gets tired,
and Fed lags. (As if you didn't know this one already.)
Q: What's a Tickenest, anyway?
A: Sorry, that's classified.
Q: Where's the spybeam-proof room?
A: Ask the Answer Machine.
Q: How can I get a cushy,
high-paying job with the news staff?
A: Large bribes. Come to think of it, any problem in Fed
can be solved with large bribes.
Q: How can I pick up the
zlitherworm safely?
A: You would have to be God to do that. Or just give
large bribes.
Q: Do I have to be really smart to
succeed in Fed?
A: You're kidding, right?
TOP TEN
REASONS NOT TO PROMOTE TO DUKE
by Tickenest
I, Tickenest, Baron (not Duke) of
Tick, have once again returned to the realm of the
living… err… the writing. First off, apologies
to Isaynee for using the name of his planet in my last
article without permission. Threatening to sue, beat,
maim, tar, feather, and dismember me, along with other
icky things, he settled for a mention in my next article.
So, here it is. Well, actually, it was a few sentences
ago, but who's counting?
Anyway, I've been doing penance for
my crimes against humanity stemming from my last Top Ten
List, and now I feel ready to return to my usual topic.
This week, I take on the hottest (that's not saying much,
though) topic in Fed these days: Dukes.
On Wednesday afternoon of this week
I counted and there were 103 duchies in Federation (I'm
sure that this number will have increased by the time
this is read.) Will I ever become a Duke? Perhaps. Why
wouldn't I? After all, with me being so popular everyone
would be dying to get into the Duchy of Tick. But no, I
don't think it will be happening anytime soon. Here are a
few reasons...
| 10. |
If
you do it, "everyone" will start doing
it... |
| 9. |
It
removes all of the fun and excitement of
teleporting to strange, far-off planets with
unknown location numbers. |
| 8. |
The
rank of Baron might actually gain prestige again. |
| 7. |
Typing
stuff like di duchy and embargo
really takes a lot out of you. |
| 6. |
Sorry,
but you're just not smart enough. |
| 5. |
You'll
still get no respect from the lower ranks. |
| 4. |
Dukes
have to dial "9" before making TBs out
of their own duchy. |
| 3. |
Why
on earth would anyone want to join
"your" duchy? |
| 2. |
The
Martians are developing a horrible inferiority
complex. |
| 1. |
2000
Duchies and zero real planets is no fun for
anyone. |
QUOTES
OF THE MONTH
Your comm unit relays a message
from Bella, "performing a comprehensive survey of
the help channel I can confirm that our players do need
help - mostly of the psychiatric vatiety..."
xt You call me names during the
holiday season?!? What kind of mongoose are you? ;)
Your comm unit relays a message from Rikkytikki,
"<----Grinchgoose."
Your comm unit relays a message
from Ryno, "If you're fat and loud... don't come
near my house tonight... I'm locked, cocked and ready to
rock.... <holds up his "Santa Must Die"
sign>"
Your comm unit relays a message
from Montag, "Hmmmmm, is that stud, or stupid, I
gotta know before I can respond."
This conversation was recorded a
few days after Kalock's DD:
Kalock: "Yea I ment to ask you
could I get my Planet treasuary out of the Galactic bank
for me :) LOL."
Hazed: "The Galactic Administration has very
stringent rules about that."
Kalock: "Guess that account
was closed hey ;)"
Hazed: "Although the money obviously did not get
deleted when you died, the account did. Therefore since
you are now, by definition, a new person, you have no
claim on the money. So it remains the property of the
bank. Why do you think people who own banks are always
such high-rollers?
Kalock: "Yea I figured as much. Ming is rolling in
that money now ;)"
xt you dont like it change the
channel lol
Your comm unit relays a message from Cen, "I would
but the other channels are playing reruns of Little house
on the Prairie merry christmas."
Your comm unit relays a message
from Olias, "I have decided there are too few people
in the Cantina, so I'm afraid I am going to have to start
blowing up planets with my PlanetMunch(tm) ray gun as
incentive to come here."
Your comm unit relays a message
from Killrwhale, "I been thinkin of settin up a
competitor paper...the Underwater."
Your comm unit relays a message from Westmoreland,
"I'll make some bathroom reading with the
Underwear.."
xt what does the average fed player
do online? sleep? Fed is becoming a motel on 9
There is a brief hum from your
communicator.
Your comm unit relays a message
from Kao, "as long as it's not a CHEAP
motel..."
Your comm unit relays a message
from Fine, "got so bored as to sit in exchanges, log
the reports, and figure out about fluxuations, depending
on players on, activity of people selling to and buying
from the exchange, and so forth =P."
Your comm unit relays a message from Barb, "You
cheated, Fine..you thought for yourself!"
Your comm unit relays a message from Fine, "but now
it don't matter, I'm a big fat Baron that just sits on my
gigs and rolls around in them once in a while..."
Your comm unit relays a message
from Whodoo, "I'm just bummed that I can't get my
wt's to go fetch goods for me!"
Your comm unit relays a message from Whodoo, "it's
just so unbecoming for a young baroness to be getting
xmet under her fingernails like this
Your comm unit relays a message
from Kellbo, "alright, let's all point and laugh at
me for having no clue how i won the TTTT"
Your comm unit comes to life with a
Public Service announcement: "Lordkubera has saved
the galaxy from A Fate Worse Than Death!"
Your comm unit crackles with a
message from Mavryck, "woo-hoo!"
Your comm unit crackles with a
message from Mavryck, "err btw who are you?
hehe"
Your comm unit crackles with a
message from Deepspace, "can we take the puzzle out
again?"
"Back in my day, we had to
walk to school through ten feet of lag...", smiles
Nyx.
Your comm unit relays a message
from Jopejope, "Speaking of that, does anyone know
where I can get a good Web page editing device? I need to
update my page :p."
Your comm unit relays a message from Pappy, "I'd
tell you Jope but they would accuse me of snerting the
web editing puz."
Your comm unit relays a message
from Zorra, "Because you don't make any groats when
you're negative Derek."
Your comm unit relays a message from Pintomike,
"It's not as bad comparitively to having commods
rotting in your exchange...:P."
Your comm unit relays a message from Bartholomew,
"The only commods that rot in yer exchange are
stock, fruit, meat and soya...and I don't make any of
them anyway ;p."
Barb has given Willie a sloppy
kiss!
Barb winks and says, "now I think we'd best move
away from kissing willies as a topic"
MOODS
OF THE MONTH
Will embarass himself for groats,
Derekj is here.
Yes! You ARE dreaming that
Wildestar is here.
Probably doing something wrong
Kalock is here.
Betcha can't pronounce Aabbccdd has
just moved northeast.
All duked out, Pintomike has just
arrived.
Just say no? Diesel didn't care!
Lear is here.
Got milk? Good. Cheerio has just
arrived.
The walls blur and shift and
Canadian has just arrived.
IWillNotEatTheGroundHogs
Galinfenner has just disappeared.
CLOTHES
OF THE MONTH
>ex wildestar
Looking into the brightest green eyes, you totally forget
what you were just thinking... what else do ya need to
know????
>ex nonnahs
You see a girl: (o_o) She's wearing this shirt: //| |\\
and these pants: //\\.
>ex grinch
With an evil grin upon his face, the Grinch is here in
Fed space. Give him grief and if you do, he will surely
torment some poor Who.
>ex Tschu
Tschu is wearing the most adorable
teddybear suit. Complete with a cute lil nose and floppy
ears! You just want to take him home and snuggle away!
>ex pvtberserk
You look for Pvtberserk but he seems to have disappeared!
ex lear
a handsome aging noble wearing trendy outdoors gear. You
feel compelled to consider his mental fitness.
ex kaleb
Just a banner that says "to
Hell with Horsell" is draped across stratigic
places....
ACTS OF
THE MONTH
Barb gets up and does the boring
tapdance of joy
Kiri sets her phaser to
"Sanity", and points it at Kellbo
"NOO!!", shouts Kellbo.
Two words: Chicken Suit Kellbo has just left, going east.
WELCOME
OF THE MONTH
Planet of Caddo:
You don't recognize the view, but you can assume this is
a landing pad. A base caretaker glares at you
suspiciously as you stumble about looking for paths. You
peer at him closely, and determine that it's not a he,
but a rather plump and wrinkled old lady.
Wolfyn is here.
The caretaker suddenly yells at you, "South to the
exchange, fool!"
POSTS
OF THE MONTH
211087:077 - Adorasx: Yall BETTER
have a good Christmas this year, or ole Blitzen is gonna
stomp all over yer stockings! ;)
211087:085 - Cen: a doe a deer a
female deer. Ahhhhhh! Its coming right for us! BAMMM!
211087:831 - Bremen: Visit the
village time forgot. Visit Horsell. See for yourself what
everyone is talking about. Information available at the
Travel Agency on Mercury or at your nearest DNI computer!
211094:117 - Adorna: ***NOTICE: I
am holding the Duke Puzzle hostage, until it spills its
guts! >:)
211096:192 - Olias: "And yea,
though I walk through the valley of Death, I shall fear
no evil, for the evil is too drunk and stupid to catch
me."
211101:949 - Jemall: ***Coming
Soon!*** Duchy of Genii... Duchy of Counting Chickens
Before They Are Hatched...
211104:746 - Rikkytikki: I'm sure
you have all noticed that due to a continuous flow of
riff raff, Weasel has shut it's doors! You can no longer
infect our good people with your evil thoughts, and nasty
cow diseases! (so poco is MIA, but the other thing looks
better)
211104:852 - Poco: Sorry about the closure...I seem to
have gone on quite a bender there. Normal governmental
operations should resume as soon as I remember where I
hid all the politicians...If I could only find that rock
I put them under.
211109:748 - Blackbeard: Thank you
absentee PO's, Especially those in Engoria, Deceit,
Harem, Atlantis and Zar. You've filled my coffers 999
tons at a time. ::flushes your groats down the loo and
sneers::
211109:756 - Imhotep: You are most welcome Blackbeard!
:::Bows Respectfully::: Perhaps next time I can save you
the trouble of hauling and just give you the groats up
front, either way, it does not matter to me. :)
211113:157 - Brianna: Would the
owner of a hot-pink spacebuggie, license plate
ZIGGY-ZEE1, please return to Earth LP. It is illegally
parked, and will be ticketed, and towed. ;)
211115:049 - Kenneth: Do not adjust
your minds, there is a problem in reality
211118:174 - Ziggystardust:
>cheat ::laughs maniacally:: I'm now the Emperor...
move over Ming.. All bow before me! ::reads the second
part of the message:: Ohhh damnit!
SHIP OF
THE MONTH
>ex godzuki's ship
A large gray cylinder with martians clinging to it is
speeding at you.
CHRISTMAS
PRESENT OF THE MONTH
Fatherchristmas hands David a lump
of coal for shocking tourists.
COMPANY
OF THE MONTH
SPYNET REPORT: Subject Igor
Rank: Journeyman Reward posted: 0
Spaceship class: Imperial
CEO of Groveling Manservants, Inc.
THOUGHT
OF THE MONTH
Magesmiley thinks Bella must be
thoroughly demented to have come up with this puzzle
DRINKS
OF THE MONTH
Krimhurg has bought you a glowing
green drink bearing radiation labels on the sides.. it
humms softly in the background of your mind..!
Krimhurg has bought you a dark cool
liquid that makes your head swim after the first sip.. as
you watch the glass disolves and the liquid eats its way
into the bar..!
Reduit has bought you a something
that bubbles in the glass, has a hypnotic smell and an
explosive taste!
|
