 WHAT EXACTLY DOES A DEMI-DEITY DO?
by Magesmiley
Several of us were gathered at CDs
the other evening and the topic of discussion turned to
the emergence of the new Demi-Deity Gatekeeper. As this
was a new rank none of us had previously seen, the talk
quickly turned to pondering what the duties of this new
position might be. The following is a list of proposed
Demi-Deity duties:
1. Bussing tables at CDs for Hazed.
2. Scoping out all the good stuff for the staff to spy.
3. Pushing the reset button when Fed crashes.
4. Refilling the Cash Machine on the other side of the
Sun.
5. Close range sunspot observer.
6. Uranium detector - has to tell others when its not
safe to go into rooms…
7. Carving ice cubes into elephant shapes for Hazed.
8. To be used as extra shielding for staff arena fights.
9. Bouncer for Diesel.
10. Staff receptionist.
11. Has to find lost navs and hosts.
12. Official IB Drink Tester.
13. Feeding the hamsters to keep the Fed computer going.*
14. Altar inspector.
15. Zlitherworm feeder.
16. Stands in for late event MCs who are due for
lynching.
17. Scenery.
18. Keeping track of where the pesky grand master has
wandered off to.
19. Figuring Ming's tax revenues.
20. Cleaning out Crypto's Nest.
* There was some debate over
whether he was going to feed the hamsters or act as the
Lead Hamster
Needless to say Gatekeeper is going
to be very busy...
WHAT
YOU REALLY SOUND LIKE ON THE COMMS
or Why all Fedders could actually be dogs with the
ability to type
by Danny
As most of you have noticed and
probably thrown parties celebrating, I'm in a state of
retirement from writing Chronicle articles. But even the
retired need to step forward and tell the DataSpace
population when they sound silly.
People often ask me, "Danny,
what's wrong with the public comms, specifically channel
nine?" Actually nobody's ever asked me that, but
they should, because the answer is "A lot."
For a while nine sounded like an
adult bookstore, so at first I was glad when all the talk
of sex had gone away. A pure person like myself doesn't
like to hear talk of sex, for instance I had someone else
type the word "sex". But once all that was gone
nine got worse: the channel regulars didn't pick up a new
favorite topic of discussion.
Today, other than the occasional
debates concerning the metric system (which is all wrong,
in case Joe and that silly Canadian are reading this)
there are only seven basic messages conveyed on the whole
channel:
1. I am here.
2. Hello.
3. I am leaving.
4. Goodbye.
5. I just did something nearly everyone does every day at
least twice.
6. Congratulations.
7. I have the ability to make a bracket appear on your
screen.
This brings me to the second part
of the title of this article. The first six messages are
the same six messages conveyed by dogs. Whenever a dog
barks they're trying to say one of those first six
things. My theory is all of Fed is just an experiment to
see if typing dogs can interact and make brackets.
Perhaps right now you're yelling
(or maybe barking, who can really be sure) at your screen
that this is a bunch of bull dung. Well tell me if this
sounds like what you might hear on nine at any given
time:
Your comm unit relays a message
from Personone, "hi nine"
Your comm unit relays a message from Persontwo,
"{{{{{{{{{{Personone}}}}}}}}}}"
Your comm unit relays a message from Personthree,
"{{{{{Persontwo!}}}}}"
Your comm unit relays a message from Personone,
"{{{{{{Personone}}}} {{{{Personfour}}}}}"
Your comm unit relays a message from Personfour,
"Your Energy building project has been
completed, number 12,947!"
Your comm unit relays a message from Persontwo,
"Congratulations, Personfour!"
Your comm unit relays a message from Personthree,
"I'm leaving."
Your comm unit relays a message from Personone,
"{{{{{{Personthree}}}}}}"
Your comm unit relays a message from
Personyouveneverheardof, "off"
Doesn't this look familiar? Of
course it does! You're either subjected to it or you're
Persontwo. Still don't believe me? Ok then, consider
these actual statistics I'm calculating from an actual
log I have taken on Thursday, July 8. [Insert your
"You're calculating things like this? Get a
life!" jokes here.] In this log, 45% of the messages
over the comms fall into one of the above seven
categories (don't assume that means 55% of the messages
are actual conversation. I didn't even count the
"Hire me!" and "Join my duchy!"
comments, the conversation is probably more like 10%, but
I don't feel like doing any more message counting today).
And on top of that, in those 45% of messages, there is an
average of 10.55 brackets per message.
So next time you feel like
announcing that you did a build or that your company made
profit, or if you feel like using a bracket, please
refrain. Instead start a meaningful conversation about
something other than sex. And if you do have to use
brackets and announce something, please warn me first.
THINGS
YOU CAN'T DO FOR $14.40
People in Fed alternate between
whining about the cost of playing Federation, since a
charge was imposed, and waxing nostalgic over the good
old days of free Fed. In my view that was the time in
which the arts and graces of chat, friendships, loves,
hates, trading, were lost to macro-demons intent on
promoting at light-speed only to reach the rank of Baron
and then spend their time complaining how boring Fed was.
Face it, Fed is just about as cheap
a giggle, an amusement, a hobby, whatever you want to
call it, as there is. It costs a penny a minute or $14.40
per 24 hours. Herewith, the top 10 ten things you can't
do for $14.40:
10. Stay at the Holiday Inn in
Kokomo, Indiana for even one night.
9. Take a date to "The Spy Who Shagged Me" and
buy a small buttered popcorn.
8. Buy the Katel special-"o-matic" on midnight
TV.
7. Fill your nifty Blazer or Expedition with a tank of
gas.
6. Talk for more than 2 1/2 hours at 1:34 am on a Tuesday
night with the only person who understands you, but lives
in Marshall, Michigan.
5. Buy a decent bottle of single malt Scotch whiskey.
4. Buy 1 share of AOL.
3. Buy 2 buckets of chicken (and no sides) at KFC for the
next Fed Meet.
2. Buy the Rhino Records collected Phil Spector on CD.
1. Pay anyone to spend 24 hours amusing you.
THE NEW
PRECIOUS COMMODITY
by Horatio
It's long been said that the single
most important and valuable resource in the universe to
any venture is people. Without the "little
guys" nothing gets done. Believe it; have you taken
a good look at bureaucracy lately? But I never thought
I'd see the day when planets became a valued commodity.
Way back when, when Fed was on AOL
and my computer was powered by a very strong trained
gerbil (I understand he is now gainfully employed running
the AOL server), we had more planets than we knew what to
do with. Sol was overly full and every duchy was packed
to the gunnels. But now, the tides are turned! Dukes are
going begging for planets, and Sol hasn't been the same.
For all you planet owners out there
who keep hearing "email this Duke" or "TB
this Duke" or "act now and get a free bottle of
Ship-Glos, a $19.95 value yours for free" remember
this little word: capitalism. That's right. For once,
you're in a power position! So, instead of just emailing
or TBing or what have you, hold job interviews for your
prospective landlords. Now, I don't mean start asking for
references and calling their moms to make sure they
always put on clean underwear (although I understand that
that happens anyway). An invasion of privacy is not what
is needed in situations like these.
Think more along the lines of relay
races.
CONSTANTS
AND CLEAR CONSCIENCES
by Horatio
Behind the building where I work is
a microwave relay tower. It's a tall tower, about three
or four hundred feet tall. Up on the top is a bright
white strobe light that pulses every second and a half.
Every second and a half, without fail. It's a constant.
Something that you can depend on. But how much else is
there besides that light blinking every second and a half
that one can count on?
I have to admit that, although on
the whole I am a fairly easygoing guy, there is something
that really bugs me in Fed. Now, I know there are a lot
of you out there who have a long list of complaints, and
I'll address those in a future column (assuming my editor
doesn't have me shot... which is a real possibility, I
think...). But the problem I'm thinking of is truly
dastardly. It's happened more than once, and I will be
extremely shocked if it never happens again.
What am I talking about? Well,
let's put it this way: let's say a guy is seeing a girl.
Happens every day. But that guy's alt (which the girl
doesn't even know about) is seeing another girl! Folks,
please! What is this about? For those of you who are
confused, monogamy is not a kind of wood (for all of you
who said "yes it is," the wood is called
mahogany). So, the focus of this week's chat is the
simple fact that other people have feelings.
Well, they do. And one thing that
deeply hurts feelings is the betrayal of trust. When you
say you love someone, and they return the sentiment, it
means that they trust you. It also bears mentioning that
there is no better way to violate that trust than to
cheat on them. It doesn't matter if you cheat under a
different name; it's still the same person behind the
name. If you're going to commit, do so responsibly. If
you don't think you can hold up your end of the deal,
don't get into it.
I'm sorry if this column ended up
sounding like a lecture, but I've seen too many hearts I
care about broken because of this, and I felt that
something needed to be said. We'll return to
caffeine-enhanced journalism next week. But please try to
remember what I've said. Think about the consequences,
both short and long term. Everything I want to say can
really be summed up into two words:
Love responsibly.
EAT,
DRINK AND BE MERRY
by Horatio
Imagine the diversity of
Federation. Pizza, cheesecake, ale, coffee, tea, wine,
candy, cookies, and pies. Everybody snarfs up these
snacks every day, and usually in quantities sufficient to
feed Cambodia for a century. But when was the last time
you ever heard someone who was just offered a cubic yard
of delicious New York-style cheesecake say, "Oh, I'm
sorry. I can't. I'm on a diet."
Time's up. The answer is: never!
Or at least I've never heard it, and I've been in the
game for a long time. Losing weight is a major pastime in
the real world; an entire industry is based around it.
People run for hours, lift weights, do aerobics, and all
other sorts of activities all for the aim of
"slimming down." I'm also guilty of this. I'm
not built like a gold-medallist downhill skier... in
fact, I'm built more like the mountain. I try to work
out, but I can't take it too seriously. For instance, the
concept of a treadmill completely eludes me. Why run on a
little rubber belt when you can be out in the fresh air,
sweating to death, getting bitten by dogs, bombed by
birds, and run over by cars? There's no logical reason. I
also seriously believe that the fitness clubs get huge
kickbacks from the medical industry.
However, there are no fitness
institutions in Fed! Well, no real ones. The health-food
store and that little fitness club on Earth don't count;
any real fitness club should be deducting stamina points
for every second spent inside. And even if such a place
were created, who would use it? What's the point? In Fed,
if you find yourself gaining a few (hundred) pounds, you
just change your description. The only way that could
happen in the real world is if Time-Life came out with a
book called "Do-it-yourself Liposuction." (This
would definitely be a bad move for them; I know people
who can't make their VCR play a tape.)
So when you count it all, life in
Fed is pretty darn good. Eat what you like, sit in a bar
twenty-two hours a day, and still be able to move. But
for me, back here in the real world, I think I'm going to
go work out.
Yup, right after they start
air-conditioning the great outdoors.
A
CLOSER LOOK: ROLE-PLAY
by Elin
It is fashionable to bemoan the
lack of role-play, usually as compared to some bygone
era. Sometimes it is hard not to agree, as you tune off
to avoid a discussion of Orange County high school
football or whose kid lost a tooth today. In the melding
of relationships between people and personas, I am
perhaps sometimes as guilty as anyone, noting on channel
for example that no, I don't live in Florida anymore.
Let's face it, Fed is a
chatroom, an elaborate multi-roomed chatroom where people
have been known to role-play. So many friendships have
been born here it would be astonishing and indeed very
sad if people didn't sometimes talk to the player and not
the persona, but this should be the exception and not the
rule, or why bother to have a persona at all? You can be
Joe Schmo from Idaho and I will be Drab Debbie from
Dreary Detroit, and gee, what will we talk about?
Now how much more interesting if I
am say the Wicked Witch of the West, and you decide you
want to be pirate who invades my shores. Or anything else
that strikes your fancy, but statistics say male players
will probably be pirates, and there are worse things than
pirates; you know where you stand with pirates. They
invade, they plunder, they argue over booty.
But in my continuing diatribe
against the many forms of sanctimony, I would like to
note that this could be among them. Not knowing how to
role-play is a sort of ultimate sin in a role-playing
game, and the accusation is often spat out at some point
in an argument beyond insulting the other player's
mother.
Look, if your pirate invades my
witch's shores, my witch is entitled to get upset. You
can't say you are role-playing but I can't take a
joke; if sack and pillage are fair play so are curses and
evil spells, the latter is no more evidence of PMS than
the former is of testosterone poisoning.
If I tell you, the player, that
your inability to see how your character's personal
traits legitimately annoy my very huffy persona is
further proof of your inadequacy as a human being, in
which I have firmly believed for some time, this does not
mean I don't know how to role-play. I may have hurt your
feelings. But I see the role you are playing, and I am
saying the role I am playing doesn't like it. This
is a confusion I have seen a number of times in Fed,
especially since many people play personas that are
similar, but not identical, to their real-life selves.
Thank you for your attention. Next
week I break out the Miss Manners alt.
A
CLOSER LOOK: LOVING THE PERSONA
by Elin
Most people, I think, want to be
loved. Those that say they don't possibly think it won't
happen for sad reasons of their own, but look at the bar
posts in Fed to see how important it is to how many
people.
Some people have grumbled at the
sugar-sweet tone that the posts have taken on lately, and
it is true that it is in the long term somewhat akin to
spam, but no more so than the protestations of duchy
loyalty we have always had. They make me wonder a little
though. Who is in love with who here? Is the player in
love with the player? The persona with the persona? Or
the player with the persona?
These are private questions of
course. If a player is in love with what you know to be
your persona and not yourself, only you can know this,
and only you can make sure that they too know this - or
not. Online relationships are tricky things, full of
pitfalls that don't beset the real-life thing, as the
occasional story of a player discovering that his online
lover is a player of a different gender can attest. There
is nothing wrong with a man playing a woman, and even
getting into a relationship, as long as the other party
is aware that that is who you are. It may be true that
someone that would get upset on finding out that the
female persona he has been seeing is a male player is not
totally comfortable with his sexuality, but that is
beside the point. Intimacy requires honesty. He was
entitled to know.
Similarly, sisterhood is a
desirable thing, and Fed provides many opportunities for
female bonding that are not otherwise available. Many
women are isolated by the need to get home and take care
of their families, and thus have little time real-life to
talk to one another. Sisterhood implies acceptance, and
support, and friendship. I have a friend who has always
been there for me through some very tumultuous times, and
though we have never spelled it out I think of her as a
very close sister. I do think however that the sisterhood
that exists in Fed just now limits itself however. Look
at Magesmiley, who has also been my friend through the
same times, and could just as easily be a brother. The
thing about a sisterhood is you exclude men - does this
mean you aren't close enough to any, or don't want to be
close enough to any? I don't know - I am just asking.
I recently saw one player ask
another player for unconditional love. The other player
accepted, but that isn't my point. My first reaction was,
that such a love would have to be amoral, since you are
saying you will love that person no matter what.
Unconditional means, I don't care if I find out tomorrow
you finance a child-sex ring, I will love you. I am
sorry, but such a revelation would affect my feelings for
someone. Unconditional love is something you give your
children.
Then I thought, well, if it is
role-play anyway, the ethical issues disappear. But I
wonder if it is for both of them, that is what I wonder.
Now both of these players were adults, so this does not
actually concern me. I have no intention of trying to
rescue anyone, or convince anyone of the suitability of
the object of their affections. I am merely thinking, as
I always do, maybe a little too much.
I was once in love with a persona,
which I knew to be a persona. There was a considerable
discrepancy however between the persona and the person,
even though the persona was unquestionably part of him.
Perhaps that makes the nature of these questions a little
more clear. I am not saying he was dishonest. He simply
didn't allow himself to be that person most of the time,
and the person he was the rest of the time was quite
different. There is no conclusion this week. I merely
raise some possibly questions, and hope I have said a few
intelligent things about them.
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