FASCINATING
FED FINDS
The Zipper
by Azurldy, Industrialist of Azure, Worrier about
Becoming a Technocrat in Zar, Kid at HeartRight here in my own Duchy of Zar - I
recently found something wild and fun to do in Fed! Do
you remember those old Amusement Parks on Earth in the
twentieth century? On the planet Mtnbrook in Zar,
Heatherjn has created an Amusement Park that is really
delightful! It will make you remember those old holograms
and videos that you saw in history class. You walk down
the Pier, and you can jump off the pier if you are brave
but foolish. You come to the gate of the Amusement Park
and inside, the rides are spectacular! I am going to take
you on the Zipper - so I hope that you aren't the type
who gets sick!
The Zipper
Some may approach this ride warily. The attendant
tries to reassure those with weak nerves by yelling
out, "This here be Heatherjn's favorite ride! If
she can do it, anyone can!" Why not? You walk up
the ramp, waiting your turn to get In the ride. You
may also choose to go back, South. Once you go
forward, you must finish the ride.
>in
The Zipper
The attendant holds the door as you climb into this
oddly shaped car. After he closes the door and
secures it, he gives the car a push to set you
swinging. "You didn't happen to just eat, did
you?" he asks, with a wink, as he turns away.
The car you are riding in jerks and starts to swing
more. You grasp the handholds in front of you as the
ride picks up speed and pulls you Up.
>u
The Zipper
As your car reaches the top of the ride, the bottom
of the car swings up, flipping you over. A scream is
torn from you as you continue flipping, end over end
as the ride pulls your car up over the top and
plunges it down the other side. Just when you think
that you are going to die, the ride slows and stops.
Your reprieve is very brief, however, as the ride
reverses direction. Your car rocks wildly as it is
pulled back Up, in the opposite direction.
>u
The Zipper
Your knuckles turn white as you hang on for dear
life! The car you are riding in flips, and rocks
wildly, tossing you back and forth inside. You could
loosen up and enjoy the ride, but just then your car
flips over the top again. Only, this time it doesn't
complete it's rotation. You are thrown against the
front of the car, staring at the ground... which is
coming at you at an incredible speed! Somewhere
behind you, you hear someone's panicked scream.
Suddenly, your feet are jerked downward and your car
comes to stop at the bottom, rocking wildly in it's
berth. You can see the attendant's broad smile as he
comes to let you Out of the ride. You can also hear
your own scream, still ringing in your ears.
Heather has created a Roller
coaster and a Merry-go-Round that you can ride, just like
in those old videos and holos. Take a friend and visit
Mtnbrook. A shortcut from the LP is out, northwest. But I
urge you to explore and enjoy her creation!
FASCINATING
FED FINDS
The Streak
by Azurldy, Baroness of Azure, Finder of Fabulous Fed
Fascinations, Retired Hauler.
Many of you remember when Tycho
used to teleport to your loc, and clog dance naked in
front of you. Of course, you remember how much you loved
it! Well, Tycho has a new routine, and I feel obligated
to share with you, since it is fabulous, as was his clog
dancing.
Tycho has appeared with a
shimmer of teleportation effect.
Tycho steps out of his teleporter
Tycho strips naked and streaks across the room
You give Tycho a tender hug!
Tycho retrieves his clothing as he steps back into
his teleporter
Tycho has just vanished.
tb tycho gotcha;)
There is a brief hum from your communicator.
Your comm unit signals a tight beam message from
Tycho, ":::tickle::: ya got me;)".
I just couldn't resist a hug - I am
only human, after all. And yes, Tycho, I loved it!
UNFOUNDED
CLAIM TO FAME
Upon entering my office this past
Monday, I was hit in the face with a horrible stench
coming from my desk! I mumbled about the cleaningdroid
missing the spices and fruit pizza I left setting there
Friday night as I walked to my seat. Once there, I found
the odor wasn't coming from the pizza (since it was gone)
but from my mail. I threw it all in the trash to dump it,
but one caught my eye.
Dear Uni and Hazed,
I could nae help, but to notice
that within the news I wuz not labeled with my highly
esteemed title. For you who are wondering my
illustrious title iz, "The Official Weirdo of
Federation". So, if you could find it in your
hearts, or whereever else you may find it to call me
"Federation's Official Weirdo" I'd be
highly glad and honored.
Also, does someone else hold
this crown that keeps me from completing my mission
of Absolute Idiocy and Confusion? If so, I will
ground their brains into a fine margarita type
substance and add some pink dye, and slip it into one
of Hazed's drinks. If Uni iz the one holding my crown
I will simply revive El Senor Reggie and have him
give a nice talking to her. Tsk Tsk.
It'z a sad world in Fed when
Fed'z most clearly not understood person does not
have a wonderful glorious crown of gibberish upon his
red clown hair. After all, Who else had the guts to
name themselves Yoyo? Do you know how many
"Yankin' my string" jokes I get? Hehehe.
Anyways, oidjf dfsdf ;uioasdyf sdfjhsadf g NARF! I am
glad you understand now, but I still do not see the
symbol of absolute power lying within my grasp yet.
I demand to have my title
salvaged from the crapper and back into my pocket. If
not, the consequences shall be harsh and completely
ludicrous.<cacklez>
Your secret lover,
Yoyo
Baron of Tvland
Not yet Official Weirdo of Federation
Voice of Gonzo on the Muppets
Proud Waiter of the Duke Puzzle
Icedrake's Secret Diet
Scaramouche's Hidden Honor
The Illustrious Water to Fireimp's fire.
Used to be Groundhog
Wannabe Navigator
Spawn of Satan and Moses
The one stomping his foot down.
The one who fell down the stairs and now wears a
pillow on his rump
Married to Vamprilla (smooch)
Thwapper Of Peggysus
The Best Wannabe in FreeRain
Editor of the National Enquirer and The Sun
Abducted by Aliens
Probed by more aliens
Mutilator of Cows
Cyber Nerd
The one with so many titles you laugh at the mere
mention of his actual name
THE NED!
PS. Errrr End!
After pulling this letter out of
the crapper, I was stunned on how such a fitting title
could be overlooked. I ran to the Imperial Bureau of PITA
(Petitions for the Insane Titles Association). After
showing this letter to the official in charge at the
time, I asked him about Yoyo. His only response to me was
'who-who?'
ODE TO
DIESEL
As more and more men fight for the
attentions of the one and only Diesel, they're finding it
harder and harder to get close. Feigning a headache,
she's been seen turning the men out in droves. One man in
an attempt to gain her heart has sworn his undying love
to her with a poem:
I think that I shall never
see...
a bar as lovely as CD.
Every cranny, table, corner...
makes me more and more adore her.
I see your bat shine in the light...
of the moons this lonely night.
The arcturian plays a gentle tune...
with the rising of the moon.
Your leather one-piece will inspire...
me to crawl through muck and mire.
Just to glimpse your gorgeous face...
in CDs, my favorite place.
Although we're pretty sure this
will still not get the guy what he wants, we feel he
should be rewarded for his effort. We award Samtrax with
the SAPS (Sweet Affectionate Poems Society) Award.
THE
TRUTH ABOUT LANZARIK
(Editor's note: The
following story comes to us via a very convoluted source
and as such the editor and staff of the Spynet Bulletin
cannot make any assurances as to its complete accuracy.
Although if it isn't completely true, the parts that are
true are probably much truer than the parts that aren't.)
Sipping an ale in CDs recently,
while pondering just how many heads (or equivalent) had
been bashed by the leather clad ones bat, a smiling
little waif of a merchant sat next to me and bought me
another. I thanked him and went back to my pondering for
a moment before he interrupted me, 'Hey, have you ever
wondered where LanzariK got its capital K?'
I blinked, burped, and then turned
my head to look his way. 'Actually, no I haven't', I
stated in as disinterested a manner as possible then
returned to pondering. This time wondering if Selena had
to have help getting out of that suit and thinking about
offering my services if so. That made me smile, which the
merchant misinterpreted obviously. 'Yes it is rather
funny isn't it? So many weird commod names. I mean
exactly what is a katydidic anyway?' The little guy
leaned forward close enough that I could smell the
Colgate on his breath from his last teeth brushing. 'I
know how it was done!'
The little man proceeded to tell me
how he knew a representative of a friend of Ming's
cousin's dog's fourth-owner's roommate's plastic
surgeon's cable guy who divulged that the official in
charge of naming commodities had been a little bit
distracted when he'd finally gotten to naming the current
set of exchange commodities. Apparently Ming's
grandmother's execution was on the Vidi again, and he
wanted to hurry up the job so as not to miss the
beginning which was his favorite part. (Apparently an
elderly women begging her grandson to spare her life held
a certain fascination for him.)
He'd begun picking random letters
out of a hat and putting names to the letters and having
his scribe write down what he'd picked. As he finished
with the last name, Lanzari, he picked up his official
seal, coat, and brief case then while preparing to
teleport home, stamped his seal on the new names so the
scribe could go about putting them into the official
computer. Unfortunately he was a little too hasty and the
current "Official Slogan for Stamps"
("Killing is Power") came out just a little too
far to the left, giving the scribe the impression that
the last commod was to be named LanzariK!
After this the little man smiled
smugly and downed his ale. After finishing it in a few
swallows he wandered over to Diesel and fished around in
his pocket while she tapped her hand with her bat. After
he'd been taken upstairs I pondered the little man's
story. Not very likely to be true, I pondered, but what
the heck. The editor won't know, and things have been
slow lately. At that I took up my pad and began writing
"Sipping an ale in CD's recently while pondering
just how many heads (or equivalent) had been
bashed..."
AIM IS
IMPORTANT
by Krose
In the Arena system this week, the
population of Starbase1 was rudely awakened to the sound
of twin laser fire and other weapons from a guild feud.
Apparently many of the firing guild members were severely
intoxicated and kept firing on the planet rather than on
their opponents.
Officials on Starbase1 report that
missiles did heavy damage to the area around the landing
pad, and a mag gun shell hit the exchange, throwing
commodities all over the place. (The stevedores have
nothing to say about all the commodities disappearing.)
Officials also stated that this was
the second incident of damage to Starbase1 from
irresponsible fighters. Their records show that on
Stardate 210624, Arena was completely cut off from Sol
due to some captain with a level 1 computer and a TL who
decided to take some pot-shots at passers-by at the
Interstellar Link. As you can probably guess, he missed
the target ship and hit the Interstellar Link,
overloading it.
When asked if any new decree was
contemplated concerning the use of weapons in and around
Starbase1 the officials looked nervous. 'At this time we
are exploring all options. His Imperial Majesty's
Bureacracy for Safe Fighting is looking into the matter.'
After digging a little further this reporter discovered
that the officials he'd talked to had been nearly
beheaded when they brought their petition to Ming's MBFSF
officials. A representative of KOOOW (Keep Out Of Our
Weapons), stated that inhabitants of Starbase1 knew the
risks of living there when they chose that planet to
settle on. They had no right to complain or restrict the
use of weapons in and around their planet.
Further statements from the
Officials of Starbase1 seem to indicate they are going to
attempt to put some sort of planetary shield up.
JOURNEY
FACES CHARGES AGAIN
As the sounds of trumpets heralding
the emergence of Beanieworld from Slarti's sounded,
officials going over the paperwork discovered that the
planet owner of Beanieworld, Journey, owed a Squire tax.
The officials couldn't explain why no Squire tax had ever
been owed by a single PO before this, but were totally
unconcerned with finding out. They instead concentrated
their efforts on extracting the charges from Journey.
Apparently, Journey had gotten on
the wrong side of Ming's Bureaucracy once before for not
having a permit to carry an open beer in public. The fact
that such a permit had not existed before Journey's
indiscretion was also a moot point to Ming's Officialdom.
She had served a sentence for this transgression, being
put to work scrubbing landing pads in Sol.
Showing little loyalty to her
friends, Journey quickly informed the officials that her
friend Zoyra was supposed to have paid the taxes for her.
At first Zoyra went along with her story until the
officials applied a little heat (Portable Thermonuclear
Thermal Enhancers) to the right areas. As Zoyra applied
burn ointment, he whimpered his confession that it had
been Journey's responsibility and he'd never been asked
to pay taxes for her.
Journey grew a little wide-eyed at
the sight of the PTTE, and suddenly remembered that her
goat had eaten the tax receipt. Being skeptical, the
officials began messing with the dials on the PTTE
getting it revved up for another temperature raising
excursion this time to strategic portions of Journey's
body. Fortunately, Zoyra had the goat tethered nearby and
quickly produced it for the officials to see.
Looking disappointed, the officials
prepared the PTTE for shut down while examining the goat.
They grudgingly allowed Journey to keep the goat tethered
to her landing pad until it can "produce" the
questioned receipt. Of course this will mean Journey will
also have another LP to clean once this happens.
CASANOVA
OF THE SPACEWAYS
Federation DataSpace was christened
this week by a new Casanova of the spaceways. A
mysterious captain wandered into Fedruckers to join
Galinfenner (who was hung over), Krimhurg (who was going
without), Pandori (who was playing with his triggers),
Uniquette (who was occupied with mail), and Amarushaya
(who was trying to get someone to bring her ice cream).
While captain Atholo picked his
nose and tried to win friends by buying beer (which
caused a shudder from Galin and a wince from Krimhurg),
Uniquette and Amarushaya attempted to be friendly and
introduce themselves. Taking this as a cue of acceptance,
Atholo proclaimed loudly that he was ready for some
"hot women" and set his sights on the angel of
the spaceways. Offering to tend her wings, Altholo was
warned that he should be careful least the angel kill him
("Of course you'd die smiling", said
Galinfenner).
Not quite grasping the meaning
Atholo plucked a feather to pick his teeth with, which
prompted an assault with a snow cone on the part of
Amarushaya. Ever insistent, Altholo then proceeded to
take Amar into his arms and inform her that he was her
"true love" and puckered up for a kiss.
Bequeathing the young man with a slap, Amar soon received
a high five and a thumbs up from a portering Montag, who
disappeared as rapidly as he arrived.
The ever-insistent Atholo
eventually wore the Angels resistance down, and arranged
to meet her in a private location on Mars, or so everyone
thought. Shortly after capturing his prey the captain
realized he had a date waiting for him already and
disappeared, but not before proclaiming that all women
want him. Is this the last we shall hear of this new
heartthrob? Has every woman's dream disappeared for good?
Or shall he reappear again only to call another woman
"sweet cheeks"? Only time shall tell.
NUDIST
FOUND IN CLOTHES
The Federation community went into
a panic early this week when Fed DataSpace's own leading
nudist was found wearing clothes. As markets crashed and
merchants panicked, this dedicated Investigative Reporter
set out to discover why.
We found our victim, err target, on
Requiem when we stumbled through a trapdoor leading into
his secret bar at the Edge of Forever. Upon being
discovered, Krimhurg bolted into a private office while
screaming "GET THAT THING AWAY FROM
MEEE…".
Tracking him down in his hot
springs we then informed him that we were not here to
probe him nor were we from the Humanities Engineers
Leading Physicians and Medical Employees (HELP ME) but
instead were from Fed News, at which point he started
babbling incoherently about how cool it would be to
appear in the News. Did we ever obtain the answer to our
quest? Of course, but it took several hours of listening
to Krimhurg's babble. And the answer to why he was seen
wearing socks? His feet were cold.
WEASEL
DUCHY VERY TENSE
Poco, Duchess of Weasel, was
spotted grumbling and beheading her parliament this week
after several POs in the duchy were observed twitching
uncontrollably, and jumping at the least little sound.
When approached, Poco started going
beserk and nearly had her guards tear apart the
newsdroid! After getting her calmed down a little, we
learned that Poco's blender had been stolen recently and
she was without mind-altering blended beverages. 'The
Parliament was handy so I started with them.' growled the
upset, sober weasel. 'Besides, it's about time I found a
new Parliament anyway.'
Asked if she had any other
suspects, Poco stated, 'I just can't imagine why anyone
would want to keep the Duchess sober. It's hard enough
thinking up Duke swindling conspiracies as it is.' She
sighed heavily at this point and waved her arm as another
member of Parliament was brought to the chopping block.
'Yes, yes, off with her head too. I never liked her much
anyway.' As the sound of the blade kerchunking through
spine reached us, the duchess seemed to light up. She
snapped her fingers and exclaimed, 'I know who did it! It
must be.' She grew quiet so we inquired, 'Was it an
ex-husband perhaps?' She looked at us as if we were
stupid. 'More than likely as there are few people,
objects, or places I've not married yet you dolts!' She
looked off into the distance, 'Yes ever since I stole
some of his rum he's been peeved.' With that she vanished
off to find the culprit no doubt. We shuddered to think
what would happen to the accused when Poco finally caught
up to him.
A Duchy spokesman reported to us
that scientists on Weasel were busy trying to replicate
an exact duplicate of the stolen blender, but so far had
had no luck. 'The intricacy of the ratios between the
various turn gears and exact curvature of the pitcher are
extremely difficult to get just right. Her Duchessness
requires that everything be just perfect and woe to those
who try to pass off a cheap imitation.'
Newsdroids are currently stationed
in strategic parts of the Duchy in order to gather more
information about the Weasel Sober Tragedy. A rumor
reported just as we went to print stated that Poco had
dipped into Bluebeard's rum once, so a team has been
dispatched to check on this. Reports will be forthcoming
as we gather more information.
MYSTERIOUS
BLENDER LOCATED?
Last week we reported that Poco,
Duchess of Weasel, had lost her blender and havoc had
resulted in the duchy. This week a newsdroid doing a
routine check of the bar boards saw the following post:
210814:751 - Kevinwire: Oh no!
Tell me it ain't true. Wait... I saw Baybe passing
Tbar a note! (Anyone need a blender?)
This seemed to be in answer to the
post before it:
210814:740 - Shadow: Psssst...
I heard... that Falacy and Tbar were in a meeting,
and...
Normally such goings on between
Tbar and associates wouldn't be noticed but the mention
of a blender piqued our interest and we just had to find
out. We dispatched a newsdroid to Tbar's residence on
Neverland. The droid soon discovered the duke was not
present. Being resourceful, the droid climbed over the
used peach ice cream containers strewn in the backyard
and pried open a loosely closed window. Making its way to
the kitchen, the droid noticed a fabulously jeweled box
with a large lock on it. Not having the vision
limitations of a skin and bone reporter, the droid used
its pernicious vision implants to delve a bit further.
Nestled inside the box was most certainly a blender! It
was no ordinary blender, ornate, detailed, and lavish
gold decorations covered the outside and provided
settings for jewels. The box sat next to a chained
refrigerator, on which the droid discovered a little bit
of a puddle. Inspection proved the puddle to be peach
flavored ice cream, known to be a favorite of Duke Tbar.
The newsdroid knew it had
discovered something of great importance and hurried back
to news central to report. As of this writing the Spynet
Bulletin is searching for the Duke Tbar, Kevinwire (Did
he posses the blender at some point?), and Baybe (Did the
baroness having something to do with this peach ice cream
incident?) Further sensationalistic goings on will be
reported as soon as our newsdroid can be fully cleaned.
(It fell in the ice cream containers going back for more
dirt and is currently a very sticky mess in the shop).
GALAXY
GALLERY
by Greta Gagdroid
To everyone's surprise, I have
decided to honor the Imperial Emperor Ming this issue.
Why, you ask? In hopes that it will please him enough
that he'll skip me in his next flogging rampage, or it'll
make him sick enough he has to cancel it altogether. If
you really want to honor the Imperial Emperor I would
suggest enjoying this fine meal groveling at the foot of
a life size portrait of his royalness. But because
Venusians still hold a grudge it's best not to bring
pictures of or pay homage to Ming on Venus.
When preparing this wonderful dish,
please pay close attention to the fact that we're making
oyster grizzle – NOT using grizzle oysters as we did
in the Mercury Cave Oyster dish we worked on a few issues
ago.
MING'S OYSTER GRIZZLE
Ingredients:
1 pound grizzle flank steak
2 tbs. light soy sauce
1 tb. dry whoosh
1 tsp. Sugar
1/4 tb. Titan oyster sauce
2 tb. peanut oil
Cut the grizzle flank steak across
the grain into thin pieces. Marinate in the soy sauce,
whoosh, sugar, and ginger. Add the Titan oyster sauce.
Stir-fry the meat very quickly in a hot pan and peanut
oil. It will make its own gravy.
Serve over a bed of rice or
noodles.
UTTER
NONSENSE
A bunch of us were talking on
Channel 9 the other day about combining certain
commodities. Everyone knows that when you add anti-matter
and another commodity the amount of the lower commodity
is taken from the other one. But what of the other
commodities?
For example, electros with
livestock; wouldn't you have a nice meal after that? Or
maybe you're interested in cereals; livestock and
cereals, yum! Then again, you have to be careful about
such things as woods, explosives and nitros. You may have
to repair your warehouse from the fire. Of course, if
you're trying to annihilate the whole planet, then you
may want add radioactives and xmetals. Good-bye
warehouse, good-bye planet!
So remember next time you're adding
those bays to be careful, not careless. The wrong
commodities put together may destroy the planet. Of
course, some people are going to try to, but the services
won't! Trust me, I know...
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